Don't Miss
Home / Columns / Idiots of the Web by Ozzy Stillborne / Idiots Of The Web – Volume 7

Idiots Of The Web – Volume 7

 

IDIOTS OF THE WEB
Volume 7

Everytime I think people can’t get any more stupid, they always prove me wrong. And for that I should be thankful because it gives me something to bitch about.

We actually had to fight over who was going to write this post because we all had shit to say about this, but tearing people a new ass is what I do best, so I got the gig.

These are a variety of emails we’ve gotten recently on the post about Jani Lane’s new job in a kitchen.

What you are about to read will make you feel scared for the human race.

These emails are real.

These people actually exist!

They are out there.

And that is scary.

Hello,

Doesn’t it seem possible that the wrong conclusion was jumped to in the case of Jani Lane’s new career? The article mentioned that the club is aiming towards an ‘older’ rock crowd, and the picture has Jani dressed in a chef’s
smock and hat. As far as I know Jani’s never studied the culinary arts and this is all just a publicity stunt. Clubs that serve food in small towns usually just sell burgers and fries, though most serve nothing. Jani most likely signed a temporary contract to lend his name to the club to help get it off the ground. Don’t you think it’s worth looking in to?

Yours truly,

Howard Hammick

No wonder people think actors are stupid.

You know what I think is worth looking into Howard? How low your IQ really is. If a thought crossed your mind it would be one hell of a slow and lonely journey. Here’s some advice, stick to reading a script that somebody else writes for you and try not to think on your own because you’ll hurt yourself that way.

By the way, the picture of Jani as a chef is…

FUCKING FAKE!!

Holy fuck on a stick, I can’t actually believe some people think that is a real photo!!!!! This bitch is in the same boat:

Hey you fuck offs,
Lane can sing, carpentry and cook- sounds like a man who is worth his weight in gold to me!
So what, I think he looks grand in his chef’s gear. You obviously do not know the fucking difference between a chef and a plain cook dickheads! For the moron who did the story look it up in the dictionary. You know the one with all the hard words you can’t read like "Idiot"
Lane can be a chef if he wants to or rock, either way the man has talent, don’t you wish you did??

Ruth Campbell

Ruth, the only reason you are alive is because it’s illegal to kill you.

And she’s not alone. There are a few others on the Gossip Board that actually think the photo is real! How long have you dumb fuckers been coming to our page? Some people even asked if the report was real. Hello, we’re not the fucking CLEVELAND SCENE magazine! They reported it and we fucking put up the link. How hard is that to figure out?

For those of you really stupid people, let me point out a few others things to you:


That’s not really Jani Lane’s body.
It’s Jani Lane’s head on Arnold Schwarzenegger’s body.


That’s really not Jani Lane dressed as Elvis.
It’s Jani’s head on Elvis.


That’s really not Jani Lane dressed as the Marlboro Man.
It’s Jani Lane’s head on the Marlboro Man.


However, this photo really is Jani Lane.

Any other questions we can answer? Any thing else you can’t figure out?

Why do I have the feeling that some people are actually going to go to a record store and look for "The Best Of Jani Lane" featuring "Sometimes These Fries" and "7-11(Isn’t Too Far Away)"?

If at anytime you thought that photo of Jani as a chef was real, never come to our page again. Never. It’s obvious that at birth you didn’t have enough oxygen and you aren’t mentally prepared to handle a page like ours.

And here’s another thing that I don’t get. People who continue to read our page everyday but send us hatemail. They never have anything good to say, but they read everything we put up. Like this jackoff.

You assholes got some nerve talking shit about Jani!!! Just in case you washed up assholes don’t know it, Jani Lane is one awesome song writer and can sing his ass off….lets see you any of you dick heads do that!!!!!!
Also, Jani is one of the coolest and nicest guys I have ever met, so lay of him…….people don’t find it funny!!! WARRANT RULZ!!!

Wayne DuBay
[email protected]

Anybody remember Wayne from past mailbags? Bastard Boy Floyd posted his email address and so many Sludgeaholics emailed him he apologized to us, but then he still sends us hatemail.

Have you got an insult fixation Wayne? Do you enjoy sounding like a stupid bag of shit?

People don’t find what we did funny? Really? That’s why we’ve been getting a ton of emails digging it and the Gossip Board has been talking about it for days. But I guess that doesn’t count, right?

Let me paint a picture here.

If you’re not a fan of Chris Rock, do you fucking go to his website everyday? Do you send him emails saying he sucks? Do you buy his CDs? No you don’t. You don’t care about Chris Rock so you can’t be bothered.

If you’re not a fan of Britney Spears, do you go to her website everyday and let her know that she sucks? Do you go to her concerts and then tell her she’s horrible? No you don’t.

If you’re a gay guy (fag), do you read Playboy every month and then send them letters telling them they should include naked dudes and that nobody wants to see naked women and you’re tired of it? No you don’t.

In other words, you don’t read things or listen to things you don’t like.

People say that we don’t have a life, but I’m not the one who hangs out at places I hate! I don’t waste my time sending useless emails that never accomplish anything. If I think a beer sucks, I don’t keep buying it and drinking it, only to bitch about.

"This beer sucks."

"But Ozzy, you’ve drank that beer everyday for the last 2 months."

"Yeah, but it sucks and I hate it."

Does that make any sense? Fuck no. But people like Wayne Douchebag are like that.

So if you’re not a Sludgeaholic, if you don’t get it, then why the fuck would you continue to waste your time coming here? What do you expect to find when you click on Metal Sludge? Do you expect to click on our site one day and see us say that Warrant is the greatest band ever and that we are dedicating our lives to Jani Lane? Do you expect to us to say that Vince Neil really isn’t fat and is truly a great singer? If you want that shit, you can go to the numerous ass kissing bullshit fan pages around the net. Every record rules, every band is great, blah blah blah. There are websites for you naive, stupid, and humorless people, so why don’t you hang out there?

But when you come to Metal Sludge, you know what you’re getting. We’re not forcing anybody to come here. We’re not at your house with a gun to your head making you type in www.metal-sludge.com. You don’t have to like us, you don’t have to BUY our NEW Motley style Barbed-Wire shirt that is now on sale, but don’t keep crying about the shit we do!

And in the 3+ years we’ve been doing this, you know that we just post the hatemail and goof on it, so what do you think you’re accomplishing? Do you think by telling us to lay off Jani Lane or any other rock star that suddenly we will? Do you think we’ll go, "You know what, Jani Lane is fucking God! Wayne Dubay is right, we should be nicer. Lets plant some flowers and all hug each other." Suck a cock! As it’s been said before, the haters on the west coast can suck our left nut, the haters on the east coast can suck our right nut, and those in between can suck our dick.

Now here are some actual Sludgeaholics who enjoy the Jani post:

Dear Sludge:

I have been a Sludgeaholic for a little over a year now and I’ve never felt compelled to write .. until today! I just read the 7-11 song and nearly pissed myself laughing. I have been a Warrant fan since they first hit MTV in ’89. Still a fan today. But I have to say that was some of the funniest shit I’ve read in a long time!! Hysterical! Thanks for the laugh..

Rob



Sludge,

I’ve been a fan of the site for a couple years now and have e-mailed a few times. I gotta tell you…the Jani Lane, running a kitchen gag…was the best fucking thing yet! What made it funnier was that it’s true! 7-11 is an instant classic! You guys fucking rock! I still haven’t stopped laughing…I’ll probably piss myself if I look at that picture one more time…

Sludgeholic Steve in Grand Rapids




The story on Jani running a kitchen is the funniest damn thing I?ve read in a very long time. I almost did some internal damage laughing so hard.

I think I know why restaurants in Cleveland are doing so badly. By the looks of that photo, I think Jani?s tab has far outweighed the profits. That photo wasn?t showing his new talents as a cook, it was just a snapshot of his lunch.

Grunge and Nu-Metal hasn?t been Warrant?s biggest enemy. The all you can eat buffet has.

Is he trying to beat Vince Neil for the ?Rock n roll fat fuck? crown?
Be sure to keep an eye out for Jani and Vince in the next Richard Simmons infomercial.

Let There Be Sludge

Kip Lynn Tramp


Holy fuck – that Jani Lane shit is funny as hell. Do you think he’ll be serving frog legs???


I swear to you I SWEAR to you with all my heart that I am fucking crying with laughter right now after reading that song. I literally have tears streaming down my face from laughter. Oh what a great way to start my Friday! You fucking kill me. Whoever wrote that is a my hero. I can’t wait to go back and read it again.

I’m at a loss for words. The tears are still flowing..


Hey dudes, spike from the uk here. Just wanted to say that the jani lane thing about working in a fucking kitchen rules. Keep up the good work on all the gossip, it makes my day to see all the OLD metal stars having a rough old time in the real world. Cya later sludge. spike, england

Props to those you have an IQ larger than their shoe size.

I’m out like Jani Lane’s Sunset Strip,

OZZY STILLBOURNE
with help from b.b.f.

748 Total Views 27 Views Today

About Administrator