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Idiots Of The Web – Volume 9

 

IDIOTS OF THE WEB
Volume 9

Just when you think you’ve read all the stupid shit there is to read on the web, something else comes along and makes you go, "What the fuck was that? There’s no way somebody could be that stupid." But the thing is, you can’t really think about it for too long because your brain won’t let you. It’s a self defensive thing because if you try to figure it out or think about it, you’re head will explode and you’ll die. So please, just read this post once, and when you’re done, forget about it. Don’t try to think about it, don’t try to put yourself in anybody’s shoes, don’t try to figure out if somebody like this really exists. Just go on with your day and pretend that the world isn’t filled with Stupid Fucks like this guy.

And who are we talking about today? Playing the part of Stupid Fuck this week is Bruce Forrest. Bruce is a corespondent at KNAC and recently did an interview with Warrant’s Erik Turner. Me and Taime "Sex" Slaughter did a Random Thoughts on it, just like I’ve done many times before, and once it was up, I forgot I even did it. If you’d like to read it, and why wouldn’t you, it’s at Http://www.metal-sludge.com/RandomThoughtsErikTurner.htm. Anyway, we then got this email from Bruce, and unlike other writers or rock stars who have enjoyed us goofing on them, Bruce seems to have gotten his panties wedged way up his ass.

This is the email Bruce sent us from [email protected]. Yes, the guy is on Web TV.

Hey kids, its me, the writer of the Erik Turner interview that you loved so much, you chose to waste a chunk of your precious website to ridicule. I guess it was either me, or another dissection of BangTango, right? Anyways, just wanted to throw out a huge "Thank you" to you rock and roll geniuses for using one of my submissions to rip apart, in an ill-attempt to make your own site look better. Now I have something else to boast about in my otherwise empty life: I made it onto MetalSludge. If I die tonight, at least I know, I have fulfilled all of my dreams. I bow to thee.
Since you’ve wasted so much time and effort on little old me, how about wasting another few moments, and answer me a couple of questions: Why the hatred for Warrant? Is it because they’ve outsold most of the bands whose asses you have your tongue so firmly locked into?
Or perhaps a little jealousy, that Janie Lane was a huge influence on so many other lead singers. For instance, there was a band, perhaps if you try hard enough you may remember them, called Tuff. Yeah, I know, it’s hard to recollect them. Here’s a hint: four talentless, ugly mother
fuckers, couldnt write a tune to save their asses (hence, the lack of popularity, and record sales). Their "singer" stole heavilly from Janie. Oh, wait….maybe it was David Lee Roth the little mamas boy ripped off. Or was it Vince Neil? Come to think of it, the lad was so drowning in
unoriginality, it becomes a little hard to nail down exactly who he was "borrowing from". Oh well, I’m sure he’s sitting somewhere, telling anyone who care’s, how much more HE deserved to make it, than anyone else. Problem is, noone listened to him before, why would they listen to
his punk ass now?
And what IS the deal with BangTango? Someone there a little jealous of Joe LeSte maybe? Perhaps Joe penetrated the birthcanal of one of your girlfriends, and this is your way of getting him back? Funny, you guys talk so much shit on BangTango and Beautiful Creatures, yet tossed off a saladbowl of semen when BangTango joined your joke-of-a-tour-package, alongside Pretty Boy Floyd, and Marilyn Manson, er uh, Faster Pussycat (wow, what a bill! No wonder you made so much fun of that Dokken/Warrant/La Guns lineup). Then when BT bail the tour package,
there you are, right back to talking smack, safely at your keyboard, next to your bottle of Rogaine.
Just out of curiosity, why does Ratt get spared your wrath? They’re not any better than any of the other bands you make jealous bowel movements on, yet "mysteriously" remain unscathed? Hmmmmmm, I wonder……???? Everyone knows their lead singer is a joke, good ol Jizzy Pearl, wanna-be rock star/best-selling writer. Yeah, aren’t we all?
(I love the ‘If you didnt make it, then you were lucky" line, from Jizzys million-copy selling book, that is also suitable for soaking up dog vomit. Actually, it sounds like a weak excuse for someone NOT making it. Could that be a description of Mr. Pearl?) Hey, more power to Jizzy. He couldn’t get anywhere with the yawn-inspiring Love/Hate, with his cliche lyrics, and lack of singing range, but holier-than-thou atitude, so he may as well jump on the opportunity of screaming for Ratt. At least they draw twenty or thirty more people per show than his former talentless band. Hopefully, Jizzy will find time one day, and pull of a Love/Hate reunion. Perhaps they can double-bill with Tuff! Get your tickets now for this amazing event!
Anyways, keep up the great work, kids!!
And thanks again, I really, um, appreciate it!!

First of all, it’s the year 2003. Being on Web TV is equivalent to playing an Atari 2600. Get with the fucking times, dude. Web TV is so 1998. Start slow though. My suggestion would be to open up a Hotmail account first and take it from there. Don’t try anything too tricky or you’ll just get confused.

Speaking of 1998, Metal Sludge has been ripping on all these bands since 1998. It’s what we fucking do. We started ripping on Gerri Miller and worked our way through most of the bands that she featured in Metal Edge. But before I go on a rant, let me go over Bitch Boy Bruce’s email:

Hey kids, its me, the writer of the Erik Turner interview that you loved so much, you chose to waste a chunk of your precious website to ridicule. I guess it was either me, or another dissection of BangTango, right? No, we have plenty of time to rip on them too. Anyways, just wanted to throw out a huge "Thank you" to you rock and roll geniuses for using one of my submissions to rip apart, in an ill-attempt to make your own site look better. Don’t be bitter at me because I’m superior to you and enjoy pissing on your self-esteem. Be bitter at your parents for mixing their genes and spawning you. Now I have something else to boast about in my otherwise empty life: I made it onto MetalSludge. If I die tonight, at least I know, I have fulfilled all of my dreams. I bow to thee. And you should because right now more people have read your name than anything else you’ve ever done.
Since you’ve wasted so much time and effort on little old me, how about wasting another few moments, and answer me a couple of questions: Why the hatred for Warrant? We never said we hated Warrant. In fact, we’ve said that Jani is a good songwriter and we gave his solo CD a decent review, for us anyway. We have no HATRED for Warrant, but I’m starting to get some hatred for you. Is it because they’ve outsold most of the bands whose asses you have your tongue so firmly locked into? Well generally we’re accused of kissing Poison’s ass, and I don’t believe Warrant outsold them. We’ve been accused of kissing Nikki Sixx’s ass and Warrant didn’t outsell Motley. We’ve also given mad crazy props to the Wild Boyz, and yes, dammit, Warrant outsold them!!! But yet again, who didn’t?
Or perhaps a little jealousy, that Janie Lane was a huge influence on so many other lead singers. If you’re such the Warrant fan, then learn how to spell his fucking name. It’s JANI! "Janie" is the chick who got a gun, Jani Lane is the dude who had Cherry Pie. Also, saying that we’re "jealous" of anybody is weak and feeble like your interviewing skills. Why the fuck would we be jealous of Jani? Have you seen the guy lately? We’re not jealous of anybody. We’re just dicks. Actually, it’s not even that. It’s called fucking humor. You know, like a celebrity roast. We’re roasting these guys, and most people get it, but stupid assholes like yourself can’t figure that out. People like you scare me because you lack the common sense that most of us were born with. For instance, there was a band, perhaps if you try hard enough you may remember them, called Tuff. Yeah, I know, it’s hard to recollect them. Not really, they played our MSX show last week in LA and Stevie just wrote a rant about Bret Micheals being an asshole and he sent it to the page. Your point is? Here’s a hint: four talentless, ugly motherfuckers, couldnt write a tune to save their asses What’s Slaughter have to do with all this? (hence, the lack of popularity, and record sales). Their "singer" stole heavilly from Janie. Who’s this Janie chick you keep talking about? Oh, wait….maybe it was David Lee Roth the little mamas boy ripped off. Or was it Vince Neil? Come to think of it, the lad was so drowning in unoriginality, it becomes a little hard to nail down exactly who he was "borrowing from". Oh well, I’m sure he’s sitting somewhere, telling anyone who care’s, how much more HE deserved to make it, than anyone else. Problem is, noone listened to him before, why would they listen to his punk ass now? And this has what to do with us ripping on Warrant?
And what IS the deal with BangTango? They don’t have a deal and Joe drinks a lot. He takes a lot of bad advice, too. Someone there a little jealous of Joe LeSte maybe? Yeah, that’s it. Of all the people in the fucking world I’m jealous of it’s Joe LeSte, a guy who is so broke and clueless bums come up to him on the street and give him money. Who the fuck are you kidding? Perhaps Joe penetrated the birthcanal of one of your girlfriends, and this is your way of getting him back? Metal Sludge has been around for 5 years, and when people think about the "rock stars" we’ve ripped on, who do they think of? Sebastian Bach probably, Slaughter, Jani Lane, Vince Neil, Kiss, and maybe even Gerri Miller, for you old schoolers. Joe LeSte is not on that list because what have we ever really said about the guy? He’s never gotten an F.U. Award. We could give two fucks about Joe LeSte. Who cares? We even gave him props because he at least did our Flint MSX show when he could have stayed home. That was cool of him to do. If you want to bitch about us ripping on somebody, at least pick somebody who’s gotten their ass handed to them. Funny, you guys talk so much shit on BangTango and Beautiful Creatures, yet tossed off a saladbowl of semen when BangTango joined your joke-of-a-tour-package, alongside Pretty Boy Floyd, and Marilyn Manson, er uh, Faster Pussycat (wow, what a bill! No wonder you made so much fun of that Dokken/Warrant/La Guns lineup). Tell me, when does the Bruce Forrest tour hit the road? Name another rock website that put together a tour like we did. You can’t, because it never happened before. Fuck, you think we have anything to be ashamed of? Metal Sludge had three bands on the road playing 35 plus cities for our Sludgeaholics across the nation. When we started this site, we didn’t even think we’d be able to do interviews!!! So for us to have a tour go across the country for Sludgeaholics to have a good time with, we’re proud as fuck and if you think that’s lame, then you don’t even deserve to be writing about this type of music. Then when BT bail the tour package, there you are, right back to talking smack, safely at your keyboard, next to your bottle of Rogaine.
Just out of curiosity, why does Ratt get spared your wrath? Ratt gets spared our wrath? You might want to ask Bobby Blotzer about that. He might think otherwise. They’re not any better than any of the other bands you make jealous bowel movements on, yet "mysteriously" remain unscathed? This just goes to show that you don’t even read our page or know anything about us. Hmmmmmm, I wonder……???? Everyone knows their lead singer is a joke, good ol Jizzy Pearl, wanna-be rock star/best-selling writer. Yeah, aren’t we all? So now you’re knocking Jizzy. You’ve knocked Tuff, Faster Pussycat, and now Jizzy Pearl. Wow, you’re really doing a great job of representing KNAC. I’m sure Rob Jones is proud. I bet a bunch of bands are lining up to be interviewed by you now.
(I love the ‘If you didnt make it, then you were lucky" line, from Jizzys million-copy selling book, that is also suitable for soaking up dog vomit. Actually, it sounds like a weak excuse for someone NOT making it. Could that be a description of Mr. Pearl?) No, it sounds more like a description of yourself. What the fuck does Jizzy have to do with us ripping on Warrant and your interview with Erik Turner? Hey, more power to Jizzy. He couldn’t get anywhere with the yawn-inspiring Love/Hate, with his cliche lyrics, and lack of singing range, but holier-than-thou atitude, so he may as well jump on the opportunity of screaming for Ratt. Anybody who defends Joe LeSte has no business accusing anyone else of having a lack of singing range or having clich? lyrics. At least they draw twenty or thirty more people per show than his former talentless band. And Bang Tango draws how many? Keep digging your hole, and tell Obi hi for us. Hopefully, Jizzy will find time one day, and pull of a Love/Hate reunion. Perhaps they can double-bill with Tuff! Get your tickets now for this amazing event!
Anyways, keep up the great work, kids!!
And thanks again, I really, um, appreciate it!!

Here’s a guy who represents KNAC and he just came off like a total bitch, ripping on Ratt, Tuff, and Faster Pussycat. Yet of course Warrant and Bang Tango are great! What type of journalist with any credibility whatsoever sends something like this out? Seriously. We’re Metal Sludge, we’re supposed to be silly and insulting. And no matter what we said about Gerri Miller, and even Paul Gargano, they don’t send us anything at all. They let is slide cause they’re professionals. Yes, Paul is professional, even if he hates Canadians and doesn’t want to pay them, the guy would still never send out an email like this. And when we rip on MTV, Iann Robinson emails us a well thought out email giving his point of view. That’s how you get people to listen, not by coming off like a 14 year old bitch. Right now this guy’s writing career is about as useful as a parachute on a submarine.

And we get the whole ripping on Stevie and Jizzy thing, because "they run Metal Sludge." Yeah, they run the site along with Rikki Rockett and they get together every Monday to discuss what’s coming up for the following week. Sometimes Scott Ian joins them and Ette drops by and serves them all coffee. Shut the fuck up. Those names have been thrown around since 1999, and while our motto has always been, "why kill a good rumor," it’s starting to get uncreative. Fuck, Jani Lane and Donnie Vie both said similar shit in interviews we put up on the page, so Bruce, what you’re trying to say isn’t anything that hasn’t already been said on our own fucking page! The only thing you just did is probably piss off Jizzy and Stevie and both those guys are known for having tempers and slapping people around for shits and giggles. Hope you run into them soon.

After we got Bruce’s email, we basically sent him this entire thing and he emailed us back this, which is even more ridiculous than what he sent us the first time.

Wow, should I run and hide?
Hey, you get plenty of readership, but only one problem—noone takes you serious. Tell Rikki hi, and Jizzy can go fuck himself, and if any of you three stooges got a problem with it, just let me know. Get over yourselves.
Looking forward to you carrying out your threats, looks like I should leave town, eh Jizzy….or is it fag boy Stevie? Whatever…..glad to know you think my material is good enough for your joke of a website. I’ll keep it coming, okay Jizzy/Stevie/whatever fuckin never-was-has-been!!!!!
Thanks, and have a great weekend, losers!!

p.s.
I have web, cos I’d rather use the money on drugs, so I can be like that punk Jizzy when I grow up. See ya at the next Ratt show, chump!!!

And after that, we got this:

One more thing….does Ratt even HAVE a fanbase? Any of your mega-star MSX shows sell out?
Just wondering…..
Looking forward to appearing on your site again, obviously youre hard up for material.
And tell that skank Jizzy Hi for me!!
Ciao washedup/never-weres!!!

And after that, we got this:

By the way, shit for brains…..bombard me all you want. Theres something called DELETE, so use your time more wisely, and maybe work on your hairplugs, or Jizzy could take some singing lessons.

Bruce, don’t you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you working so hard to give us another? We sent the guy one email, and he sends us three in a row. And he says we have nothing better to do! And this is a journalist who interviews bands for KNAC? Fuck, what can I even say other than why does this guy have a job? This sounds like some guy trying to make a name for himself, or at least we hope that’s what he’s trying to do. At least that way you could sorta make sense of it all, but that’s only if we’re really optimistic.

Either way, he deserves:

In closing, I’d like to say Bruce, please do yourself, the rock community and your long suffering parents a favor and go suck on a high-voltage cable for a little bit. Thanks.

I’m out like Bruce Forrest’s career,

Ozzy Stillbourne

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