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20 Questions with Stuart Smith, 10/19/99

 

20 QUESTIONS WITH…

Stuart Smith

Stuart Smith

Now some of you might be saying, "Who the hell is Stuart Smith?"  Well, before you read this, you might want to read freelance reporter Dick Encyder’s review of Stuart’s album in our Album Review section.  Once you are done reading that, then come back to this interview.  We’ll wait.

Did you read it?  No?  Then go fucking read it!  Don’t be so lazy, for Christ sakes!

Ok, ready now?  Good.  So not only is Stuart some sort of guitar wizard type guy, he is also married to Heather Locklear’s sister Colleen!!  WhooHoo!  That’s right, and Stuart was even kind enough to send us some photos of him with Heather and Richie Sambora!  In fact, Stuart sent us about 100 photos for us to use along with this interview.  Ok, maybe not 100, but it sure seems that way.  Hey, we can’t complain.  That’s just less work we have to do!  This is the 2nd interview in a row where we were sent photos, so mad Sludge love to Stuart for that.  

Stuart’s a big fan of the page, and I’m sure this is the highlight of his career!  So sit back, relax, and enjoy our special 20 Questions with the one and only, Stuart Smith.

STUART SMITH:  "Bring on the questions Gatekeeper, I’m not afraid". 
*Brave Sir Robin*
(Monty Python & the Holy Grail)

1.  What are you currently up to?  This is the only chance for you to plug your shit!  Speak now or forever hold your peace.
STUART:  I’ve just released my first solo album called "Heaven & Earth" which, (as I can’t sing to save my life), features vocal performances by Richie Sambora, Joe Lynn Turner, Glenn Hughes, Al Mirikitani and Paul Shortino. The CD has been released in Europe and Japan and I’m talking to a couple of labels about Stateside licensing. I’ve also started touring with "Heaven & Earth" which is: myself on guitar, Kelly Hansen on vocals, Richie Onori on drums, Bjorn Englen on bass and Ray Rodriguez on keyboards and don’t think I’m not going to mention all this again somewhere else in this interview.


2.  You are married to Heather Locklear?s sister Colleen.  Does your wife look anything like Heather, and how the hell did you hook up with her?
Trust me, I got the best looking one, (there’s 3 sisters) and what makes you think I’d tell you guys how to pick up women like this without a very large amount of money changing hands?

Stuart and the Locklear Sisters
Colleen, Stuart, Heather, and Laurie Locklear

3.  What hard rock/heavy metal band should give it up and call it a day?
1. Anyone still wearing Spandex.
2. Anyone still wearing Spandex and having trouble getting into it.
3. Did I mention my solo album?



Stuart playing with some chicks with fiddles
Stuart playing with an all female string quartet.

4.  You’ve been on the scene for quite a while.  What’s the biggest pain in the ass about the music industry?
The so called managers, record producers, etc. that are rip off artists and believe me there’s quite a few. Out of necessity I’ve made a point of learning the business so I can read my own contracts and such like. You’re not going to see me on VH1 ten years from now going, "Wah, he stole all my money and now I’m broke". Plus having Richie (Sambora) as a brother in law gives me access to some pretty powerful attorneys so if I can’t beat up someone who tries to rip me off, they will.
5.  Rate the following guitarists on a scale of 1 to 10.  1 being a beginner, and 10 being a virtuoso type.

C.C. DeVille (Poison) = 2
Eddie Van Halen = 10
Tracii Guns (LA Guns) = 8
Mick Mars (Motley Crue) = 5
Steve Vai = 9
Ace Frehley  = 2 
Erik Turner (Warrant) = 7
Kirk Hammett (Metallica) = 7
Slash = 8
Dimebag Darrell (Pantera) = 3

Stuart Red Promo Picture

(Hey, why don’t I get to rate Blando?)

6.  Finish this sentence, ?Anal Sex Is??
Our way to pay women back for all the crap we have to put up with.

7.  Pick one of the following to happen.

A.  Your album goes Platinum and you headline a huge arena tour called ?StuartFest? which makes millions of dollars and your name a household word.  But you have to have anal sex with Tommy Lee for 7 days in a row for it to happen;
Or,
B.  Your album sells 500 copies, you end up playing the Coconut Teaser, nobody knows you, but your ass stays safe.

What date’s that gig at the Teaser again? (What is it with you guys and anal sex anyway?)


8.  What rock album did you buy that you were most disappointed in?
Eric Clapton/Pilgrim (Sorry Eric but it sucked, if I want to fall asleep, I’ll take a Valium. Stick to the Blues). The best album was Jeff Beck’s "Who Else," that was unbelievable. By the way, did I mention my solo album?

Stuart With Jeff Beck
Jeff Beck and Stuart 

9.  Who would you least like to see naked?
Gene Simmons.

10.  Rate the following chicks on a scale of 1 to 10.  1 being a mess, and
10 being a hot bird.
(Oh God, I know half these women)

Heather Locklear (10+) You can pay me later Sis.
Geri Halliwell (5)
Pamela Anderson (10)
Samantha Fox (5)
Jennifer Aniston (10) She’s going out with my next door neighbor so I had to give her that, plus she’s a cool person.
Catherine Zeta Jones (10)
Kate Winslet (7)
Victoria Adams (Posh Spice) (8)
Claudia Schiffer (7 if she’s still married to that Copperfield geek. 10 if not)
Nicole Kidman (9)  Does she like guys?


Stuart and Richie getting ready to swap wives.
Stuart and Richie getting ready to swap wives.

11.  Have you ever asked Richie Sambora if you could swap wives for the night?
Are you kidding? He insists on it. We’re a very close family. Anyway, a little incest never hurt anyone.

12.  Who is the most overrated guitarist?
Far too many. That buffoon in Limp Bizkit for one. He’s got all these different images like the bug eyes, etc. Anything to take your attention away from his playing of the instrument, which is atrocious. God, I can’t wait for the 90’s to be over, let’s hope we get some real music in the Millennium. I’m so sick of these idiots being glamorized by the media as "cool." You can virtually guarantee that if a band has a name that is spelt wrong like Limp Bizkit, Korn, etc., they A). Can’t play to save their lives and B). They’re
going to be very successful in the 90’s. 


13.  What rock star deserves a smack in the mouth and why?
All the musicians from the older bands who could really play, but say in the press how they think bands like Soundgarden, Nirvana and Korn, etc, are cool because they don’t want the fans to think of them as old farts. Also all of the above named bands for thinking that attitude can replace talent.

Stuart and Ritchie Blackmore drink heavily with goofy looking stuff on their heads.
Ritchie Blackmore and Stuart drinking some Newcastles with some goofy hats on their heads.

14.  Was there any rock star/celebrity that you really wanted to meet, and when you did you found them to be a dick?
There’s no rock star I’ve particularly wanted to meet, I’m not really interested in all that. Unless I really admire someone, I won’t go out of my way to meet them, and the ones that I do admire have turned out to be pretty decent people. There was one guy who just did your 20 questions a while back who I used to hang out with years ago, then decided to ignore me when his band took off which I thought made him a real dick. Still, I think the only place he’s big now is in Japan and The Rainbow Bar & Grill so there is karma after all.

15.  For $30,000 cash:
A random person walking down the street will be placed nude in a windowless room in the middle of nowhere.  You are required to walk into the room, lick the persons sphincter three times, and leave.  The person will have just showered and there is no risk of any inadequate wiping.  The person will never see your face.  Would you do it?
If the random person was Salma Hayek, I’d pay YOU guys $30,000 cash, but only if she kept her high heels on. (There you go with that anal thing again. I’ve got to say, I’m getting real worried about you guys.)


16.  Here’s Metal Sludge’s Memory Lane.  What do you remember about the following years.

1978 = Playing with Ian Paice. (Deep Purples drummer)
1984 = Touring German castles with Ritchie Blackmore.
1988 = Got to play on stage with CC DeVille. (High point of my career)
1992 = Got ripped off $55,000 by my first producer. (I’m looking forward to running into him again, preferably when I’m behind the wheel.)
1996 = Playing in the "Aliens of Extraordinary Ability" with Keith Emerson.

Stuart and Keith Emerson
Stuart playing with Keith Emerson

17.  If you could be a tampon for any celebrity, who would it be?
Jessica Rabbit

18.  Think of someone you genuinely hate (we all hate someone, especially when you really think about it.)  Keeping in mind you have no choice but to choose one of the answers, would you elect for this person to?
A.  Get hit by a bus, thus rendered paralyzed for life.
B.  Fall off a lawnmower and subsequently be disfigured for life but live.
C.  Get in an accident that causes the full amputation of all sexual genitalia.
Hell, if I hated someone that much, all three. But why let a bus or lawnmower have all the fun? I studied Karate for 11 years, I’d do it myself. 

19.  Do you get hit on a lot by guitar groupie chicks?
No, I tend to get hit on by the model/actress types. (Not that I’m complaining)

20.  Time for Metal Sludge’s Word Association.  We mention a name, and you give us your thoughts.



Steve Vai : Fast player, Deep thinker.
Yngwie Malmsteen : Now are you talking about Yngwie Malmsteen or Yngwie J. Malmsteen? There is a difference you know. He has to have that J. in there in case he gets confused with the other Yngwie Malmsteen that’s around.
David Lee Roth : Good showman, and I love it if that story about him gatecrashing the Lilith Fair PMS Fest was true.
Lars Ulrich : Great drummer
Ace Frehley : Keep your make-up on, Pleeeeeese
Limp Bizkit : Joke band of the 90’s. You’ll probably see them on VH1’s "Where are they now?" next year.
C.C. DeVille : Family Entertainment
Warrant : Jani Lane, great friend/singer/songwriter
Vince Neil : I can’t hear him, is this P.A. working properly and My God!!! didn’t anyone think to reinforce the stage underneath him?
Kelly Hanson : Oh, you mean the Kelly Hansen that sang on MY SOLO ALBUM?
Brilliant singer and wipe that grin off your face Kelly, it’s your turn next.   I’m sending these guys your e-mail address. If I’ve got to be publicly humiliated I don’t see why you should get away with it.

Stuart Smith

So there you go.  Exclusive photos of Stuart and the Locklear sisters!  Wonder how much Stuart had to pay them to all get in the photo with him?  

Anyways, Stuart is a big Sludgeaholic and he even hooked us up with the Kelly Hansen interview we are doing.  We don’t know if we should thank Stuart for that or slap him, but either way, it’s another interview!  Kelly’s interview will be up soon.

Since Stuart is down with Metal Sludge and has been singing our praises to everyone he knows, we advise you all head over to www.stuartsmith.com and buy is solo album.  You can only get it online for now, so don’t be a douche bag, go order it today!  Hey, it’s only $20, shipping and handling included, plus it’s autographed, so what more could you ask for?  Shit, a Slaughter 8 x 10 is $8, and that’s a cheap piece of shit that will probably evaporate within a year.  This is music that will last your forever, so $20 is a small price to pay for a lifetime of enjoyment. 

Damn, we can make anything sound good.  We should get paid for this!

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