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CD Reviews 2000

 

 

The Scores:

The Cover

This is the first thing you see in a record store. Does the cover makes your nuts dance? Does it part your butt hair? Does it make sense? Does it relate to the CD title? That’s what we’ll let you know.

1 = Generic as fuck. Probably looks like a computer printout.

2
= This sucks. Who’s kidding who?

3 = Unoriginal and boring.

4 = Not quite average, but a little bit of thought went into it. A little.

5 = Since this is 5, that means it’s average stupid ass. What else would a 5 out of 10 mean?

6 = Decent.

7 = This is cool. It’s thought out and makes sense.

8 = This looks really good and professional.

9 = Almost perfect!

10 = A perfect cover. Probably contains nudity or something vulgar. We enjoy that shit. This is rare though.

The Booklet

Is their lyrics? Photos? Credits? Is it easy to read? Is there cool shit to look at? Here is how we’ll rate the booklets.

1 = A one page panel or something probably made by Perris Records.

2 = Probably some cheap, black & white crap not worth pissing on.

3 = The typical booklet a local band would do.

4 = Almost average, but not quite.

5 =
Typical shit with lyrics, thanks, and maybe a photo.

6 = A bit above average, nothing too exciting, but not bad.

7 = Better than 6!

8 = Not as good as 9!

9 = A high quality booklet worth some money and thought put into it.

10 = A totally devestating booklet the probably features profanity, nudity, or all sorts of colorful shit. Well worth the price of the CD just to see. A Metal Sludge mention also gets an automatic 10.

The Songs

Probably the most important part of a CD, don’t you think?

1 = You’d rather have Mike Tyson punch you in the genitals repeatedly than listen to this piece of shit.

2 =
If you were to try and sell this to a used CD store, they’d slap the lips off your face, belly-to-belly suplex you through 2 flaming tables covered in thumbtacks, twist both your nipples counter clockwise, and then give you a flying reverse upside down DDT into a barrel of broken glass.

3 = This is a CD you’ll hide from your friends so they don’t see it in your CD collection.

4 =
Not worth buying, but if you can steal it, what the hell.  Use it for a beer coaster when you’re done listening to it.

5 =
After a week of listening to this, you’ll get bored with it and move on.

6 = Good enough to listen to for a few weeks to a month.

7 = This is cool.

8 = The bomb diggity!

9 =
You’ll probably play this again and again like a retard until your friends get really sick and tired of listening to it and break your CD player. 

10 =
These albums will blow your face off and you’ll end up looking like Sloth from the Goonies.  Nuff said.

AC/DC – "Stiff Upper Lip"

by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover:  6 Repetitive Beats out of 10. 

Go figure, Angus is on the cover.  This time it’s a statue of him in a downtown setting.  The bottom of the statue says "Stiff Upper Lip."  It’s ok.

Booklet:  2 Repetitive Beats out of 10. 

This booklet is fucking horrid.  This is booklet is pretty much the same shit they put out 20 years ago.  The Back In Black cassette has just as much info.  No thanks, no lyrics, no pictures, just a few credits and a lame ass photo of the bottom half of the Angus statue.  There are only 3 panels on each side, and only one panel has any writing.  This is totally fucking gay for a band that has sold as many records as these guys have.  Put some fucking effort into.

Songs:  4 Repetitive Beats out of 10. 

Every single fucking song has practically the same beat.  For Fucks sake, throw in a drum fill every now and then!  It’s 47 minutes of the same fucking drum beat, with a slightly different riff played over it.  Sometimes the beat is a little fast, and sometimes they slow it down a bit, but it’s all the fucking same.  And most of the riffs just sound a little bit different than their old shit.  There aren’t any songs on here that really punch you in the nuts or anything.   It’s all sort of weak.  After listening to this album nothing really stands out since it all sounds the fucking same.  

Comments:  It’s one thing to stick to your roots and not sell out, but at least fucking throw a curveball into the picture every now and then.  Change up the beat for example!  This album sounds uninspired and unmotivated.  It’s like, "Here’s the same shit we’ve been doing forever.  Rock radio will play the stuff regardless cause we are AC/DC and we can rest on our laurels."  These guys have no original ideas at all.  This album is all weaker versions of shit they’ve released before.  From the cover to the booklet to the songs, it’s all lame.  You’ll be able to find my copy of this CD in your local used CD shop tomorrow.  If you wanna listen to AC/DC, go buy their old shit.


AMERICAN PEARL

by Jani Bon Neil

Cover:  8 Tattoos out of 10.

The cover is of their guitarist from the neck down and you can see all his tattoos. The guy ranks right up their with Nikki Sixx in the tattooed category.  Pretty rock.

Booket: 6 Tattoos out of 10.

The booklet has a few more photos of the band and their tattoos, only you don’t see any of their heads. The lyrics are also here in tiny print and if you want to read them, you have to hold the booklet up like you’re looking at a Playboy Centerfold. It’s good enough.

Songs: 5 Tattoos out of 10.

Their bio says "American Pearl is a straight-up, loud, heavy American rock band."  It should also add, "And you’ve heard it all before." These guys might have a lot of tats, wear leather, and come from Hollywood, but they don’t come off sleazy or dangerous like Motley or GNR. They sound a lot more "friendly." The songs are all basically ready for rock radio.  It’s catchy, but nothing you haven’t heard before or will necessarily remember. There are also a few things here and there borrowed from Guns N Roses.

Comments: I’d like to say that Wind-Up Records sent us a shit load of American Pearl CDs for free, so I’d like to thank them. We’ll always take free shit. 


ARMORED SAINT – "Revelations"

By Ozzy Stillbounre

Cover:  8 Weird Ass Knights out of 10. 

This has some sort of medieval looking Knight or something.  It’s all fucked up looking and it’s pretty metal.  The guy is carrying some sort of crazy brick with an eye in it and it looks like something you might see on acid.  I can hang with this.

Booklet:  8 Revelations out of 10.

This is a decent size booklet that folds out about 20 times and has all the lyrics, credits, thanks, and a photo of the band.  I’m satisfied.  

Songs:  8 Old School Riffs out of 10. 

I can’t really find anything wrong with any of these songs.  The songs all seem to have energy and are a breath of fresh air.  I could do without the Ricky Martin inspired "No Me Digas."  I know Latin music is popular now, but I like to listen to songs where I can fucking understand the lyrics.  Otherwise, it’s all good.

Comments:  I always thought Armored Saint was cool and I dig John Bush’s voice.  This is a cool, ballad free metal album.  What else can I say?


BAR 7 – "The World Is A Freak"

by Jani Bon Neil

Cover:  5 Tesla’s out of 10. 

The cover is ok.  It’s some freaky looking chick with a globe of the world between her legs.  Could have been a bit better.

Booklet:  5 Tesla’s out of 10. 

Not much here.  It’s a college of photos with thanks and credits over that.  No lyrics or shit like that, but it’s decent enough for what it is.

Songs:  8 Tesla’s out of 20. 

Basically this album could be a Tesla record.  It’s very much in the same vein.  A lot of the songs were written by Jeff Keith and Tommy Skeoch, but a few of the heavier songs ("Freaked", "No Show" and "She Don’t") were co-written with a few of the other guys.  There really isn’t a bad song on the entire album.  "4 Leaf Cover" is pretty cool and was stuck in my head for a while, and "Got A New Life" and "Lady Bug" could be straight off a Tesla album.  The last song "American Dream" starts off acoustic and then kicks into an Aerosmith sounding middle section, and then goes back to being acoustic.  Everything is pretty catchy and I can’t really find anything to bitch about.  All in all this is a solid album.

Comments:  Of course Bar 7 consists of former Tesla members Jeff Keith (singer) and Tommy Skeoch (guitarist).  The bass player and the drummer are from the band Flame, and they have some jabroni on guitar.  Bar 7 should just change their name to Tesla because they would sell more records and get paid more.  If you like Tesla, you’ll like this record.


BLACK LABEL SOCIETY – "Stronger Than Death"

by Jani Bon Neil

Cover:  7 Society Dwellers out of 10.

The CD case is red and the cover is a Skull with some sort of design in the background.  This looks pretty evil.

Booklet:  8 Society Dwellers out of 10.  

The booklet has thanks, credits, and lyrics, but not as much profanity as their last booklet though.  However it does have the Bylaws And Code Of Honor for the Black Label Society, which includes "Thou Shalt Not Spilleth Thy Beer," "Suicide Is Not An Option," "Fear No Beer," " Live Life Stronger Than Death," etc.   

Songs:  9 Society Dwellers out of 20. 

These songs are heavy as fuck!  I don’t mean heavy as in Napalm Death or shit like this, just the whole attitude and feel is heavy.  The guitar tone, the riffs, and the drum sounds are just brutal.  When I popped this CD in, it took the wrinkles out of my nut sack, it’s that brutal!  The album’s title track "Stronger Than Death" made my nuts start kick stepping!  And not only is the music a monster, but check out the lyrics in the song called "13 Years Of Grief"…

"Your So Fuckin’ Tough,

So Motherfuckin’ Bad

13 Years Of Grief Is All Your Folks Ever Had

Just An Ignorant Cunt, Talkin’ Such Shit

Trying To Act Like A Man

You Little Fucking Punk Kid"


That’s 3 uses of the word fuck and one use of the word cunt all in one verse!  You have to appreciate that.  Plus cunt doesn’t really get used in too many songs today, so Zakk gets points for that.  And one line in the song "Phoney Smiles, Fake Hellos" goes
"Go Fuck Yourself For All I Fucking Care."  Again, a lot of songwriters only use the word Fuck once in a song, but Zakk will use the word Fuck twice in the same line!!  He gives no fucks!!  The only time the album slows down is with "Rust", which is mellow track, and "Just Killing Time", which is on piano and sounds like something that could have been on Zakk’s "Book Of Shadows" CD.  All the songs are over 4 minutes long, and the track "Love Reign Down" is over 8 minutes long.  These songs all have great moods and really capture what Zakk is trying to get across, which is to drink beer and beat people up.  It’s the perfect soundtrack to powerbomb somebody to!  Almost a full hour of music to kill and drink beer to!!

Comments:  If you liked the first record, then you’ll definitely be into this record.  This is one of those albums you just have to blast really loud and break shit.  


BON JOVI – "Crush"

by Taime "Sex" Slaughter

Cover:  6 Unoriginal Ideas of out 10. 

This CD is an advance promo copy so it’s hard to say what might be on the actual release come June 13th.  The new Bon Jovi offering is called Crush. The cover has 16 small photos some of the guys individually, as a group and then some miscellaneous headlights, buildings and telephone poles.   What the fuck is that all about anyway?  The tray card has 20 small photos similar to the front. Only this time they include photos of a window, a jean jacket pocket and a pair of brown shoes.  Someone is on drugs and I think it’s the entire art department at Island Records.

Booklet:  This doesn’t really come with a booklet since it’s a promo CD.  This whole package is kind of like a cardboard thing you open up.  Inside there are 2 more band photos and a simple paragraph written by JBJ, which talks about what they’ve been up to in the last 5 years.  I believe those initials stand for either Jon Bon Jovi, Jon Benet Jovi or Jastard Boy Jloyd, but I could be wrong.  I can’t really rate this, but fuck it, it’s Metal Sludge, we’ll make up our own rules.  This gets a 5.  Why?  Because 36 small photos of shoes, windows and telephone poles are very annoying to look at. Maybe once the official CD gets released, I will re-review this part.

Booklet Re-Review:  Now that this is officially out, I’ll keep my score of 5.  The booklet has about 95 foldouts, but it’s all those small photos of shoes, windows, and band members.  Lame.  No lyrics, no thanks, and only one panel of credits.  Very lame.

Songs:  7 Unoriginal Ideas out of 10. 

Crush has 12 tracks and the titles are as follows.

1. It’s my life

2. Say it isn’t so

3. Thank you for loving me

4. Two story town

5. Next 100 years

6. Just older

7. Mystery train

8. Save the world

9. Captain crash & the beauty queen from mars

10. She’s a mystery

11. I got the girl

12. One wild night

Let me start by saying, “Jon, have you got any Joan Osbourne, Backstreet Boys, or Lit CDs in your collection”?  I believe so. Track 1 is very Backstreet Boys influenced but not nearly as blatant of a rip off as tracks 2 & 4. "Say It Isn’t So" is a mix between Lit and Third Eye Blind.  This track is catchy for sure but if you sing the lyrics for “My Own Worst Enemy” or that Third Eye Blind song that goes “Do, do, do-Do, do, do” it’s exact.  It fits perfect. "Two Story Town" is Joan Osbourne’s song “What If God Was One Of Us” to the tee. Only with different lyrics of course.  Note to readers: Joan is not related to Metal Sludge staff writer Ozzy Stillbourne. 

Overall the songs are good but it sounds like Bon Jovi is fresh out of ideas.  Track 3 is "Thank You For Loving Me" which the lyrics say “all I’ve got to give to you are these 5 words tonight”, which is basically the same thing as “these 5 words I swear to you” from "I’ll Be There For You."  Let’s dust off the pen and come up with some new shit, Jon. That would be like Warrant writing a song called Apple Pie.  

Comments:  I think you guys need Alec Jon Suck or whatever the fuck his name was. He was keeping it real with the whole Guido Italian look. Also, Jon still has more hair than David Lee Roth, Bret Michaels & Jani Lane combined so he’s got that going for him. The keyboard guy still looks like a dork and his hair is the same only A LOT thinner. Bummer. Richie looks the same and is banging Heather Locklear incase you’ve been under a rock for the last several years. Lastly Tico Torres (drummer) still looks like a dishwasher from a New York deli.


BULLETBOYS – Burning Cats & Amputees:  People With Issues

by Jani Bon Neil

Cover:  5 Dead Pigs out of 10. 

Like most "Greatest Hits" CDs, the cover is a college of past pictures and whatnot.  It seems like after Motley did that with "Decade Of Decadence", everybody does it now.  I believe Mick Sweda put it together, and while it’s not great, it doesn’t totally suck either.  It’s probably the only thing this CD has going for it.

Booklet:  3 Cheap Pieces Of Shit out of 10. 

Actually this isn’t bad for a Deadline Record.  It has a college of photos on one side and credits and the history of the BulletBoys on the other.  Of course like all things Deadline, some of the facts are wrong, but hey, you can’t have everything.  The tray card has a college of porn ads, so that gets it a few points.

Songs:  2 Out Of Key Vocals out of 10. 

I can’t believe these guys actually listened back to this album and thought it was good enough to put out.  Did they sit in the control room and go, "Oh yea, that sounds great, let keep that take."  Marq Torien is obviously tone deaf.  Remember the notes Torien hit on the first 2 BulletBoys albums?  Well that’s a thing of the past.  I now know why this album is called Burning Cats And Amputees because Torien sounds like a burning cat and he carry a tune like an amputee.  The beginning of "Smooth Up In Ya" is a travesty, and the 2nd verse of "F#9" sounds like Torien was being anally raped by Tommy Lee.  I’ve heard 14 year old boys with more control of their voice.  It’s weird though, sometimes he can pull it off, and other times he totally blows it.  It’s hit and miss.  They also did what a lot of bands do when they re-record their old shit, they stray from the original.  Look, I want the songs to sound like they did when I first heard them.  I don’t want new shit, I want the shit to sound the same.  Maybe a little variation here and there, but for the most part stick to the script.  What the BulletPigs did here is change the intros to most of the songs and it just doesn’t sound right.  It’s very obvious that Ted Templeman didn’t produce this album and it shows you how much he had a hand in making the BulletBoys sound like the BulletBoys.  I’d almost say they recorded this album in one take because it sounds that way.  The only highlights of the album is Jimmy D’Anda’s drumming, but still, the production on this album blows goats and if you are an old school BulletBoys fan, steer clear of this and treasure your old albums.

Comments:  This album sucks.


COLD – 13 Ways To Bleed On Stage

by Freelance Reporter Gerri Gargano

Cover: 5 Suicide Preventions out of 10.

The cover isn’t anything exciting. It looks like some kind of note/scrapbook with a spider in the upper right hand corner. What caught my eye was the "Parental Advisory" in the bottom right hand corner. Shit any advisory that stands out like that one does is screaming "TAKE ME THE FUCK HOME WITH YOU."

Booklet: 6 Suicide Preventions out of 10.

I gave this a 6 because it actually is a booklet with the lyrics, credits, and shit. There’s no real good pictures of the band but they got extra points for the little cartoon drawings. For example one of them shows a guy tied up and gagged while a chick holds a pair of scissors in her hand. From the look on the dude’s face either he thinks she’s going to de-bone him or he’s participating in some painful ritual which involves CC DeVille singing and that chick is fucking standing guard cause she knows the rope will rip faster than spandex on a fat chick. Extra points also given for the sharp objects shown throughout.

Songs: 8 Suicide Preventions out of 20.

This band is actually pretty good. When I first heard it I didn’t think I was going to like it but after I listened to them it kind of grew on me like my pubes do. The songs are all pretty "dark." For instance there’s "It’s All Good" which starts out "Take another motherfuckin hit of LSD" and goes on with "well I can’t understand a motherfuckin word you’d ever say." Fuck it’s kind of ironic. Cause if I wouldn’t have the lyrics in front of me I wouldn’t have understood a motherfuckin word Scott Ward said either except for "motherfuckin" and "fuck." But normally I don’t pay much attention to what’s being said. If I like how the band plays then it’s all good. And Cold is good. Other good songs are "Just Got Wicked" and "Witch."

Comments: I liked it. I’m not sure why they haven’t gotten more play but then hey I wonder why I haven’t either so fuck who knows?


ALICE COOPER – "Brutal Planet"

by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover:  7 Billion Dollar Babies out of 10. 

The cover is dark and evil looking and you can see half of Alice’s old ass face.  By looking at the cover you can kind of tell this is going to be a heavy album.  Works for my drunk ass.

Booklet:  8 Cooperstown’s out of 10. 

Not bad for a Spitfire release.  There are lyrics, some spooky photos of Alice, and shit like that.  It also includes a little booklet that pimps out some Kiss like merchandise, such as Alice Cooper teddy bears, chairs, pictures, and shit like that.

Songs:  8 No More Mr. Nice Guys out of 10. 

I’ll have to admit that the old guy can still rock.  This is Alice’s heaviest album to date, and unlike Kiss who tried to relive the past with "Psycho Circus," Alice came up with some new shit and it sounds current.  Alice says this is somewhat of a concept album and he’s trying to paint a grim picture of the world.  That sounds about right but even though Alice has a message, he doesn’t hit you over the head with it like some bands do.  You can still sit back and drink to this album without getting bummed out.  There are some really cool riffs, the drums sound heavy, and Alice still sounds like he always has.  "Cold Machines" sounds a lot like "Beautiful People," and "Take It Like A Woman" is an old school Alice like ballad, or at least as close to a ballad as you’ll get from Alice.  

Comments:  Despite being 105 years old, Alice still has some shit left in him and I’m impressed.  


A TRIBUTE TO DEF LEPPARD – "LeppardMania"

by Taime "Sex" Slaughter

Cover: 7 out of 10. 

Graphically this is 10 times better than the others I’ve seen by Cleopatra. Good use of colors and the Def Leppard style lettering. It looks like a mix between the Pyromania cover and the Hysteria cover. The tray card is a bit better too but still needs a little work. I personally don’t like the bar code and labels logo floating at the top right of the page. Bottom left or right is more traditional and this is a more traditional rock type piece. Save the fancy shit for Kid Bizkit.

Booklet:  5 out of 10. 

This is a 2 page insert. It includes the cover and a page listing song titles, who sang them, which band they’re from and who played the instruments. Opposite of these panels is a synopsis of Def Leppard’s 20 year career in black and white text. It’s overall acceptable but not great. Getting a single quote from each artist who contributed would be a good touch. There are about 15 guys total who perform on it. The buyer would love to read 15-20 lines of why "I as a artist was influenced by Def Leppard". Food for thought for the Cleopatra staff.

Songs:  7 out of 10. 

There are 12 tracks in all.     

They are:

1.  Wasted by John Corabi of Union – did 20 Questions

2.  Rock Brigade by Joe LeSte of Bang Tango

3.  Photograph by Jani Lane of Warrant

4.  Rock, Rock by Kevin DuBrow of Quiet Riot (Lame Ass Remix)

5.  Too Late For Love by Stevie Rachelle of Tuff – did 20 Questions

6.  Foolin’ by Steve Whiteman of Kix

7.  Rock Of Ages by Kelly Hansen of Hurricane – did 20 Questions

8.  Bringin’ On The Heartbreak by Phil Lewis of L.A. Guns – did 20 Questions

9.  Let It Go by Jason McMaster of Dangerous Toys – did 20 Questions

10.  High & Dry by Jizzy Pearl of Love/Hate – did 20 Questions

11.  You Got Me Running by Kory Clarke of Warrior Soul

12.  On Through The Night by Paul Shortino of Rough Cutt

Useless Info:  Half the singers on this CD have done 20 Questions with us.  

This CD sounds a lot better than the Nine Inch Nails shit they tried to do with the Guns N Roses tribute. Randy Castillo played all the drums, Jerry Dixon of Warrant played bass while Erik Turner played all the rhythm guitars. We all know Eric can’t play leads for shit. Enter Traci Guns of L.A. Guns to his duty. Most sounds great but there a few spots where it sounds like Traci was playing with his fingers in a cast.  All of these mixes are like the originals, very rock sounding. However the Kevin DuBrow was remixed by some guy named Fredco. Note to Cleopatra: Please have Fredco’ name removed from the company rolodex. This guy is the reason people wanna commit suicide. 

Singers on this CD for the most part sound like themselves doing Def Leppard songs. There are a few dull moments though. Jani Lane is straining worse than I’ve ever heard him before and Steve Whiteman sounds weaker than usual too. Jason McMaster’s sounds great and so does John Corabi.  Crabby’s track is first and he sounds as expected. Real raw and solid as ever. Not quite a platinum seller but the best sounding tribute CD thus far from our friends at Cleopatra.

Comments:  Go buy it and tell them to put Metal Sludge on their advance CD list. We’ll review all this stuff. 


DISTURBED – "The Sickness"

by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover:  5 Bald Singers out of 10. 

I have no idea what the cover is suppose to be.  It looks like a head or some shit.  I’m clueless, it gets a 5.  

Booklet:  8 Bald Singers out of 10.

The booklet has 12 panels and is pretty pro.  Each band member gets his own photos, there are lyrics, thanks, and typical shit like that.  The singer Dave is bald and reminds me of the guy from Live or Staind.  Does every band have to have a bald singer now?  It seems the balder the singer, the more serious the band.  The bass player is also named Fuzz, which would be perfect if he was in a glam band.  

Songs:  7 Bald Singers out of 10. 

These guys do a cover of the Tears For Fears song "Shout" which is basically ready for radio.  Does every new band have to cover an 80s song just because it worked for Orgy?  It’s safe to say that song will be heard on radio sooner or later.   As for the other songs there are some loops and modern type shit that thrown in but nothing too ridiculous.  I hear a lot of Tool and Pantera influences in these songs. The singer can sing clean, he can scream, plus he does some original noises that sound like birds or some shit.  He has a unique trip going on that is a bit different than what other guys are doing, so I back that.  The rest of the band are good players as well.  There is some creative shit going on here and the songs don’t all sound the same.  This is an angry, aggressive album and most of the lyrics sound very pissed off.  

Comments:  I heard these guys sound good live, but other than the singer, the rest of the band doesn’t have much stage presence.  I remember seeing these guys on HBO’s Reverb with Kid Rock and they were about as exciting as a bucket of paint.  Ozzy Osbourne was on Howard Stern and called Disturbed the "future of metal", but I’m not going to swing from their nuts that hard.  But they are a typical OzzFest band.


JESSE JAMES DUPREE – "Foot Fetish"

by bastard boy floyd

Cover:  2 Chainsaws out of 10. 

This cover sucks.  Fuck, I’m not going to explain it, just take my word for it.  

Booklet:  4 Chainsaws out of 10. 

This actually has some lyrics, but in this case, I wish it didn’t.  None of these songs are worth knowing the lyrics to.  It also has a close up of Jesse as well as thanks and credits.  Yippie.

Songs:  2 Chainsaws out of 10. 

This album sucks.  There really isn’t much more to say.  Some of this is a little more mellow, which means the slower the song, the more irritating Jesse’s voice is.  The only song that is half way decent is "Losing My Mind", but that even sucks.  Every song is worse than the previous song.  After listening to the beginning of track 8, "I Gotcha", I started repeatedly punching myself in the balls with a screwdriver because I hate myself for buying this.  Somebody shoot me.  "Let’s Don’t Go There" is from Jackyl’s "Cut The Crap" record, so why that’s on this album is beyond me.  I’d rather suck on a dead chick’s toes than listen to this. 

Comments:  This album blows cows.  Jesse wrote a few good songs for the first Jackyl record, but since then everything he’s wrote has sucked.  This is no different.  The fucked up thing is that this is an ENHANCED CD!  Why?  The only people who are going to buy this don’t even own computers because they are on CB Radios!  


ENUFF Z’NUFF – "10"

by Donna Anderson

I’m rating this album on a scale of 1 to 10 Burned Bridges, because it seems like Enuff Z’Nuff has basically burned all their bridges, which is probably why they are stuck playing in either tiny bars in Chicago or doing a few gigs in Japan.  

Cover:  1 Burned Bridge out of 10.

The cover is the number 10, and in the 0 is a peace sign. It’s the same cover they had for their first album except with 10 on it. I understand that this is their 10th album so they went back to their first albu, but these guys need to get rid of the Peace Sign already.  It’s totally played out and has been done to death.  This whole psychedelic thing has to go.  That might be what inspires them, but it’s lame now.  Get over it already!

Booklet:  3 Burned Bridges out of 10.  

There are no lyrics and a few small photos, but nothing exciting. Mostly it’s just credits. Paraphernalia had a much better booklet.

Songs:  9 Burned Bridges out of 10. 

I really like this album.  "There Goes My Heart" and "What Can I Do?" are my current favorites.  The music for "Wake Up" is sort of depressing and makes you wanna blow your head off, and speaking of that, the song "Suicide" has sort of upbeat music, but talks about killing yourself, so it’s kind of a weird twist.  Their Beatles influences really come through on several of the songs too.  These are more great songs that will probably never get the recognition they deserve.  All these songs are potential radio hits if somebody would just play them.

Comments:  Enuff Z’Nuff lost some points on the cover and the booklet, but these guys only seems to care about the songs.  Donnie and Chip are great songwriters but they need to put more effort into packaging and giving their "brothers and sisters" a little bit more for their money. You can also put this CD in your computer where it will show you the video for "There Goes My Heart", which believe it or not isn’t that bad.


FIREHOUSE – "O2"

by Freelance Reporter Kip Tramp

Cover:  8 dying careers out of 10.

The cover is pretty cool. It’s basically a close up shot of the Oxygen warning on a gas tank. After the megacheesy Category 5 cover of the band posing as wanna-be cowboys, anything is an improvement.

Booklet:  5 dying careers out of 10.

You get the lyrics, but the layout could give you a headache trying to read them.

Songs:  3 dying careers out of 10.

Despite Category 5’s shitty cover, the music on that disc was actually pretty good. O2, on the other hand, has a cool cover and shitty music. This is one of those "we’ve-got-bills-to-pay-so-we’ll-release-another-album" albums. I’m sorry to say it, but this sucks! This is on par with some Rock On The Decline bands. CJ even raps in one song. What else needs to be said?

Comments: When I’m in the mood for some hair metal, Firehouse is usually a good choice. They were good at what they did, even if what they did could get a little ridiculous at times. The problem with O2 is that the new guys seem to have thrown off the band’s chemistry. No man, woman or child should ever have to hear C.J. rap.


FOZZY – "Fozzy"

by Jani Bon Neil

Cover: 7 Lionsaults out of 10.

The CD cover is a cardboard sleeve that contains the CD inside. That’s pretty fancy.
The cover says FOZZY and looks metal. The wrapping on the CD said "Featuring Chris Jericho and Stuck Mojo", but obviously the CD duplicating fucked up because they must have heard the rumors that Fozzy is really Jericho and Stuck Mojo, but we all know that’s just rumors started by Jericho to get a little press.

Booklet: 9 Liontamers out of 10.

This is a pretty good booklet and has 14 panels in all. Each band member gets a full photo as well as their mascot Arthur. There is also a 3 panel story on the history of Fozzy written by Shoji Mochizuki from Riot Patch Magazine. Also each band member gives out some thanks. I would have given this booklet a 10, but I noticed Metal Sludge wasn’t thanked, so they get a point deducted. I’m sure it was a printing mistake, so hopefully when Fozzy’s 2nd album comes out that printing problem will be fixed.

Songs: 9 Paragons Of Virtue out of 10.

I’ve heard about Fozzy for the last 20 years, but I wasn’t sure what I was going to hear when I got this CD. But after listening to it, I now know why Dio, Krokus, Twisted Sister, Iron Maiden, Motley Crue, Ozzy, The Scorpions, and Judas Priest ripped off their songs. Moongoose McQueen can actually sing pretty good! Not that I didn’t think he could, but I heard so much about his voice that my expectations were really high, but he lived up to them. The production on this CD is really good and all the songs sound just as good as the rip-off versions. Here’s the track listing.

1. Stand Up And Shout, covered by Dio

2. Eat The Rich, covered by Krokus

3. Stay Hungry, covered by Twisted Sister

4. The Prisoner, covered by Iron Maiden

5. Live Wire, covered by Motley Crue

6. End Of Days, Fozzy song that hasn’t been stolen yet

7. Over The Mountain, covered by Ozzy

8. Blackout, covered by The Scorpions. Butch Walker does the solo for this song.

9.
Feel The Burn, Fozzy song that hasn’t been stolen yet

10. Riding On The Wind, covered by Judas Priest.

The two newer Fozzy songs are "End Of Days", which sort of has a heavy Dokken feel to it, and "Feel The Burn" has parts of it that remind me of Saigon Kick.

Comments: I dig this album and I’m not just saying that because we’ve been plugging Fozzy. I can see why Chris Jericho and Stuck Mojo are so obsessed with this band. Even though you’ve heard these songs done before by other bands, these versions are played just as good. You might say to yourself, "I already have the other versions, so why do I need to buy this album?" Simple, because it’s Fozzy!




GODSMACK – "Awake"

by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover: 4 Witches out of 10.

The cover kind is kind of weak. It’s just the band photo with a green tint. It looks sort of dark but it’s boring. They didn’t put a lot of thought into it.

Booklet: 4 Witches out of 10.

The booklet matches the cover because it’s plain as well. No lyrics at all but instead there is a collage of photos. It’s only a 6 panel booklet so for a band that is double platinum it’s pretty lame.

Songs: 7 Witches out of 10.

"Sick Of Life" and "Awake" are the best songs on the CD. Very angry and pissed off. Those are the 2 tracks that stood out the most to me. "Greed" and "Bad Magick" are also cool.
"Vampires" is an instrumental which has dialogue about vampires. The rest of the album sort of blends together for me. It’s all mid tempo metal. It’s I read the review of this album at KNAC and I want to snag a little bit of what they said, "The songs do not clobber you over the head – these are not immediate hooks – but rather grow with repeated listenings. So, like a lot of the better classic metal, it’s a fans’ music that is geared towards the true believers and not towards the mainstream." I’ll agree with that totally. In fact I agree with that entire review because they said everyting I wanted to say. So instead of me writing a bunch of shit, just go read their fucking review, which can be found at http://www.knac.com/Rev_Page?reviewID=7963.

Comments: This album is heavier than their first album. If you weren’t a fan of Godsmack before, this album isn’t going to make you one. When I first listened to it I wasn’t that excited about it but it has grown on me a bit. It also includes an enhanced CD which has lyrics and video interviews.


HAIR OF THE DOG – "Rise"

by freelance reporter Dick Encyder

Cover:  9 Mokur Jahoobees out of 10. 

It’s a drawing of the Marines landing at Iwo Jima planting the flag.  I asked my buddy who’s been a Marine for some 12 odd years if it offended him.  "Fuck no, dude.  That’s cool".  Good enough for me.  Loses one point for originality as I had the Van Halen poster on my wall in ’83 right next to my A-Ha poster.  But I don’t want to talk about that right now.

Booklet:  9 Mokur Jahoobees out of 10. 

Lyrics, photos and credits.  Holy shit!  Is this really a Spitfire release?  One point deducted for drummer Mike Dupke’s gay ass Ace Frehley outfit.

Songs:  9 Mokur Jahoobees out of 10. 

Damn good songs.  Too bad these guys can’t get a proper deal.  Go see these guys now before they get huge.  It’s almost like somebody forgot to tell them that it’s the year 2000.  Not a single track would be considered ‘filler’.  Especially track 5, ‘Mokur Jahoobees’.  The ultimate tribute to the ultimate body part.  There’s an interesting cover of KISS’ ‘I’ from ‘Music From the Elder’.  Not exactly the KISS cover you’d expect.  But it’s tastefully done, with a couple of surprises that only real KISS fans will catch.  All in all, a very proper sophomore release from a band that will be rock stars.   For more information, check out their website at http://www.hotd.com

Comments:  You could pretty much sum up Hair of the Dog as a simple rock band.  Straight ahead fun rock that we all grew up with on the AM radio in the same vein as old Van Halen.  This band just screams out ‘Ice down the keg, send the kids to your mom’s, I’m coming home drunk!’  I’m off to get hammered like a railroad spike.


HALFORD – "Resurrection"

By Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover: 8 Electric Eyes out of 10. 

The cover shows Rob on a motorcycle.  He’s probably headed to a Gay Day Parade.

Booklet: 7 Electric Eyes out of 10.

It’s a 10 page booklet with lyrics and plenty of pictures of Rob and his bald head.

Songs: 9 Electric Eyes out of 10.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to fucking get but I ended up with a pretty cool metal record.  "Resurrection" starts and immediately lets you know Rob is back in the metal mode. Great vocals and cool riffs makes my bitter jaded ass happy. Without giving you all that typical crap that most reviewers write I’ll just say I fucking thought this was a good disc. Buy it.

Comments: I like this CD and usually I hate everything. And since I’m not getting paid by the word this ends my review.




IRON MAIDEN – "Brave New World"

by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover: 9 Eddie’s out of 10. 

Iron Maiden always has cool album covers, and this is no exception.   It’s a futuristic city and the clouds make up Eddie’s face, and he looks rather pissed.  This is pretty metal.

Booklet: 7 Eddie’s out of 10. 

The decent size booklet with lyrics and pictures.  Blah blah blah.

Songs: 7 Eddie’s out of 10. 

When I first scanned through this CD, I thought it sucked.  Nothing really stood out.  But after a few listens and a few beers, it got better.  This is the type of CD that needs to grow on you a bit because while there are only 10 tracks, these songs are fucking long!  There is a lot to digest.  "Dream Of Mirrors" is 9:21, and "The Nomad" is 9:06.  The rest of the songs go from 4 minutes to 8 minutes.  All the solos on this album are pretty cool and I’m starting to dig it more.  Very metal and a breath of fresh air for today’s music scene!  

Comments:  I’m not going to use a lot of fancy words here, I’m just gonna say that this CD is pretty cool.  This has 10 tracks and is 67 minutes long.  Maiden rawks, dude!


KID ROCK – "The History Of Rock"

by bastard boy floyd

Cover:  7 Stoned Pimps out of 10. 

The cover looks like a notebook with Kid Rock giving the metal sign.  

Booklet:  9 Stoned Pimps out of 10. 

This is really put together well.  The booklet folds out into a mini poster that has a college of photos of all sorts of shit.  There are photos with ZZ Top, Mark McGrath, Fred Durst, Eminem, that singer dude from Matchbox Twenty, Jay Leno, Metallica, Jonathan Davis, porn star Houston, and a lot of bitches & ho’s!  It also gives all the info on each song, what album it’s from and shit like that.  Kid Rock also has a little note talking about the album.  I give it a 9 because of the bitches and people flipping the bird to the camera.  

Songs:  8 Stoned Pimps out of 10. 

I love "American Bad Ass".  Maybe because I AM an American Bad Ass!!  I listen to this song over and over again like a retard.  I don’t know why.  I put the song on repeat on my CD player and listen to it for hours on end.  I can’t explain it.  I also like the previously unreleased song "Dark & Grey" which is one of the heaviest songs Kid Rock has done.  When I’m not listening to American Bad Ass, I’m listening to Dark & Grey.  As far as I’m concerned, these could be the only 2 songs on the CD.  The other previously unreleased songs "Fuck That", "Abortion", and "Born 2 Be A Hick".  All the songs from his 1993 album "The Polyfuse Method" have been re-recorded because Kid Rock says he couldn’t find the master tapes.  The songs from "Early Morning Stoned Pimp" were remixed and touched up.   If I ever get past "American Bad Ass" and "Dark & Grey", maybe I’ll review the rest of the songs.  

Comments:  If it’s good enough for the Undertaker, it’s good enough for me!  Whoooo!


L.A. GUNS – "A Nite On The Strip Live"

By Jani Bon Neil

Cover:  5 Vampires out of 10. 

The cover is ok.  It says L.A. Guns LIVE nice and big with "A Nite On The Strip" underneath that and a photo of the band playing.  Most live records have shitty covers, so this is actually ok.  Not great, but not totally lame either.  Shit, for a Cleopatra release this might be a 10!

Booklet:  4 Vampires out of 10.  

The booklet has the credits, some thanks, and typical crap like that.  Inside the booklet it has some pretty weak ass photos and the photo of Tracii looks blurry.  These pics all look like something a fan took.  You could probably go to an L.A. Guns’ fan website and find better photos.  

Songs:  6 Vampires out of 10. 

There are 13 songs on this CD and one track is labeled "Guitar Solo" even though the "solo" is only 59 seconds. What type of solo is that?  Anyways, all the classic L.A. Guns songs are played and at least this all sounds live. It’s basically a good representation of what the band sounds like live.  However, all of Phil’s talking is taken out in between songs, so for the most part it’s just one song after the other.  I like to hear the in-between bullshit because it’s more like a live concert, but oh well. 

Comments:  If you are going to purchase anything L.A. Guns has released other the last few years, I’d recommend this first, simply because this doesn’t totally suck.  This is way better than the "Greatest Hits & Black Beauties" joke these released last year.  They should have just released this instead.  


LIZZY BORDEN – "Deal With The Devil"

by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover:  9 Pentagrams out of 10. 

The cover was done by Spawn creator Todd McFarlane so it’s pretty good.  It has some Satanic looking beast, there are upside down crosses, and it’s very metal.  Just by looking at the cover you know it’s not an MTV boy band and that this is a metal album.  

Booklet:  7 Pentagrams out of 10. 

We got sent a promo, so it doesn’t have a booklet.  By looking at the cover though I’m going to say it’ll have a bunch of evil looking shit on the inside, so it’ll probably be cool.  I’m going to give it a 7 merely by guessing.  How’s that?

Songs:  6 Pentagrams out of 10. 

You can tell just by looking at the song titles that there is a common theme to this album.  Song titles are "Deal With The Devil," "Hell Is For Heroes," "There Will Be Blood Tonight," "Lovin’ You Is Murder," among others.  This is good music to listen to while drinking beers in the cemetery. This is old school metal, that’s for sure.  Kind of like Judas Priest, WASP, etc.  It has catchy choruses but still a lot of metal to sink your teeth into.  The guitar playing is good, Lizzy sounds just as good as always, I can’t really find any faults. This is classic Lizzy Borden.

Comments:  This album will probably do well in Europe where music like this is still cool.  Thanks to Metal Blade for sending me this CD for free!


MARILYN MANSON – "Holy Wood (In The Shadow Of The Valley Of Death)"

By Freelance Reporter Kip Tramp

Cover: 10 pissed off parents out of 10.

The cover has a jawless, crucified Manson that freaked out Circuit City to the point where they censored it.

Booklet: 9 pissed off parents out of 10.

Lyrics, band photos and creepy tarot cards make for a cool booklet.

Songs: 7 pissed off parents out of 10.

Manson took the best elements of Superstar and mixed that with the coolest shit from Animals. This is his best all-around album to date. The music is heavy but melodic and the songwriting is as creepy as you’d expect from this band.

Comments: I was debating whether I should get this album because I was getting a little tired of Manson’s pretentious little charade, but now I’m glad I did. I was really surprised by how good this disc is. From the artwork, to the lyrics, to the music, it’s all well done. Fans should eat this up, however, if you aren’t already a fan I doubt this disc will do much to convert you.


MARVELOUS 3 – "Ready, Sex, Go"

by Donna Anderson

Cover: 7 Freak Of The Weeks out of 10.

The cover is colorful and fits the album title. It shows a stripper looking mannequin with her legs spread and her hand somewhat between her legs. At first I didn’t even notice it was a mannequin because it really looks like a chick. I don’t understand what it means or it’s significance, but it seems to fit.

Booklet: 6 Freak Of The Weeks out of 10.

The lyrics are printed kind of small so it’s sort of hard to read, and each band member is pictured with a mannequin. Slug has been tied up by one, Butch is in bed with one, and Jayce is holding one in his arms. Why I don’t know, but these guys have a good sense of humor so that’s cool.

Songs: 10 Freaks Of The Week out of 10.

This album is full of hits without any filler. My favorite songs are the first 3 on the album, "Little Head," "Grant Park," and "Get Over". Also, Lit’s Jeremy Popoff plays on "Get Over" and Yogi from Buckcherry plays on "Radio Tokyo".
Butch’s lyrics are sort of out there, but it’s still cool. Sometimes I have no idea what he’s talking about though. Before the song "Cold As Hell" there is an answering message from Nikki Sixx which asks them to call him up because he says they "knock my dick in the dirt." That sounds painful. The very last track has a guy reading off the credits, so that’s sort of unique. There is also a hidden track which is a remix of "I’m Losing You." All in all this is a great album!

Comments: These guys are one of the best live bands that are touring right now. Butch Walker is a rock star waiting to happen. They just need more exposure and a record label that support them. If these guys don’t get some success, then the music business is more fucked then I thought.


METALLISKA – "A Ska Tribute To 80’s Metal"

by bastard boy floyd

Cover:  5 Ska Bands out of 10. 

The cover has some lighting, and Metalliska is somewhat written like Metallica, but not so much that Lars will sue them!  

Booklet:  5 Ska Bands out of 10. 

There is no booklet because this is one of those CD packages that you open up.  Everything is all connected.  All the bands have their contact info listed and there are credits, but not much else.  But it’s still better than any Cleopatra CD booklet!

Songs:  5 Ska Bands out of 10. 

This is CD full of ska type bands covering 80’s metal!  There are horns, trumpets, trombones, and other instruments I can’t spell.  It’s different, but I’m an open minded person so I enjoy listening to different stuff.  Besides I’d rather hear a band cover a song and make it their own rather than the shit Cleopatra puts out, which is just straight covers.  

Here is the songs on the CD.

"Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Love" (Van Halen) by The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

"Motorbreath" (Metallica) by MU330

"Kiss Me Deadly" (Lita Ford) by Reel Big Fish

"Cherry Pie" (Warrant) by Nicotine

"We’re Not Gonna Take It" (Twisted Sister) by Less Than Jake

"Big Balls" (AC/DC) by The Pietasters

"Iron Maiden" (Iron Maiden…duh!) by Big D And The Kids Table

"Wanted Dead Or Alive" (Bon Jovi) by The Slackers

"Kickstart My Heart" (Motley Crue) by The Porkers

"Don’t Tell Me You Love Me" (Night Ranger) by Johnny Socko

"The Final Countdown" (Europe) by Furillo

"You Give Love A Bad Name" (Bon Jovi) by Skif Dank

"Ballroom Blitz" (Sweet) by Peacocks

"Talk Dirty To Me" (Poison) by Regatta 69

"The Trooper (Iron Maiden) by Thumper

My favorite song on this CD is "Talk Dirty To Me" because, well because I say so!  Before the solo, the singer goes, "Now pickup that trombone and talk to me!"  

Comments:  This is just like the Metal Rules CD I reviewed that came out last year, but it doesn’t have as much variety as that CD.  But it’s still good for laugh or two at a party if you can get your hands on it.  Plus we were sent this 2 of these CDs for free!


BRET MICHAELS PRESENTS A SALUTE TO POISON – "Show Me Your Hits"

by Jani Bon Neil

Cover: 4 Bandannas out of 10.

The cover is red with black writing and has a topless chick with her hands blocking her tits and it says "Show Me Your Hits." Eh, it’s ok. You generally can’t go too wrong with a topless chick.

Booklet: 0 Bandannas out of 10.

This is one of the worst booklets I’ve seen. Bret has some money so he could of put together a much better package. There are 4 panels including the cover and the back. The back of the booklet is red with the songs listed in black and that’s in it. When you open the booklet on one panel is some brief thanks and it also says the album is dedicated to Poison and his daughter Raine Elizabeth. Then on the other panel is a picture of half of Bret’s face. And that’s it. No info anywhere on who played on this CD at all. It says "A Salute To Poison" but doesn’t say who is saluting Poison! What is this, a game? Are we suppose to guess who plays on what? Instead of half a picture of Bret’s face, how about some fucking info!! No where on the CD does it say that Bret sings on some of these songs, that other bands do some of the songs, or any of that shit. How can you sell a product and not list what it fucking contains? Even when I bought it I had no idea what I was going to get because even on the back of the CD it doesn’t say who plays on what. This is horrible packaging. Maybe Bret had nothing to do with the packaging and it’s Cleopatra’s vault, but still his name is on this.

Songs: 3 Bandannas out of 10.

There are 11 tracks on this CD and it’ll be easier if I go through each one.

1. "Look What The Cat Dragged In" by Slaves On Dope. I was told that this is Slaves On Dope, so that’s how I figured it out. Otherwise I would have had no clue. This is probably the best track on the CD because it’s different and if a band like Limp Bizkit did the song this way, it would be a hit. It has a cool heavy feel to it.

2. "Talk Dirty To Me" by Total Chaos. Typical punk version you would expect.

3. "Fallen Angel" Bret sings with Mark Kendall on guitar. This is sort of a mellow version.

4. "Something To Believe In" which is piano and acoustic guitar.

5. "Nothing But A Good Time" This sounds like the original but more demo-ish.

6.
"I Want Action" is dark with distored vocals and heavy drums. Basically it’s "I Want Action" on crack.

7. "Unskinny Bop" sung by Pauly Shore and it’s pretty lame. He calls it "Unskinny Cock", but I could have come up with funnier shit in my sleep. It would have been much better had Pauly actually written shit that rhymed. It sounds like he just sort of freestyled the lyrics and it’s pretty gay. This should have been more thought out.

8. "Stand" which is acoustic. Nothing special.

9. "So Tell Me Why" Bret sings this with somebody else and it’s slightly more watered down than the original.

10. "Doin’ As I See On My TV" not much different than the Crack A Smile version.

11. "Every Rose Has It’s Thorn" acoustic. This is exactly how you would expect it to sound.

This is sort of a half assed "Latest & Greatest". I don’t know why Bret even bothered to re-record these songs. Maybe he was really bored and a lot of time on his hands. Chances are Cleopatra just threw some money at him and he took it. It’s an interesting listen but nothing that you’ll be missing out on if you never hear any of this.

Comments: I went Bret’s website looking for info on this CD and they aren’t even plugging it, so what does that say? I haven’t heard anything about it or seen any ads for this. Maybe I’m the only one who has it! If you want a collection of Poison songs, you’re best bet is to stick to the Greatest Hits and pass on this ripoff.


MOTLEY CRUE – "New Tattoo"

by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover:  7 Tats out of 10. 

The cover has a dragon on it with a tattoo needle and it all sort of looks oriental.  It’s ok.

Booklet:  7 Tats out of 10. 

The first thing I notice is a little card inside the booklet that is pimping Nikki’s 58.  Dude, nobody cares.  As for the booklet, each guy gets a picture and there are lyrics and credits.  Good enough I guess.

Songs:  5 Tats out of 10. 

I was sick of "Hell On High Heels" before the album was even out.  The song just doesn’t do anything for me.  Believe it or not though, Vince sounds good on these songs and Mick has some cool riffs, but the lyrics and the production suck.  This is without a doubt the weakest Motley album for lyrics.  They all sound forced, like Nikki was trying too hard to write a specific style.  These lyrics sound like outtakes from Girls Girls Girls.  A lot of the lyrics could have been made a lot better with a little more effort.  For example, take these lyrics from "Treat Me Like The Dog I Am":

"Red Rover, red rover

Got a bone but I can’t come over

Never broken, never trained

You got me in the doghouse

On this dog chain"


What the fuck is that?  That sounds like something some lame ass Sunset Strip glam band would put out.  Or how about these lyrics from "Punched In The Teeth By Love":

"Flash a smile like an alligator

Move her hips like a generator

All over town like an oil spill

If there’s meat on the bone she’ll

was her tail"


What’s up with all the dog references?  And saying "Flash a smile like an alligator" is a totally played out lyric.   All that shit has been said before and Nikki has more talent than to shit out lyrics like those.  Also, the production on these songs are weak.  The "Porno Star" and "1st Band On The Moon" demos that Motley.com put up last December were way better sounding.  The versions on the album don’t have the punch and the attitude the demos had and they sound lethargic.  I have a feeling these songs were a lot better in their demo form.   It doesn’t all suck though as "Dragstrip Superstar" is catchy, "Punched In The Teeth By Love" has a cool opening riff, and "Fake" is probably the best song on the CD.  The cover of The Tubes "White Punks On Dope" is alright, but not in the same ballpark at "Smokin’ In The Boys Room."  The two ballads are ok as well, but nothing that takes the wrinkles out of my nutsack.

Comments:  This album doesn’t totally suck but it’s not a classic either.  Since "Generation Swine" didn’t do that great, Motley is now trying to go back and recreate shit they already did, but it just ain’t happening.  At least with Swine they took a chance and tried something new.  This is just generic lyrics and average music.  Each Motley album was always something new and a move forward, however this is the first album that’s a move backward.  It had the potential to be great but somewhere along the way it just didn’t pan out.  


A TRIBUTE TO MOTLEY CRUE – "Shout At The Remix"

by Jani Bon Neil

Cover:  4 Lame Remixes out of 10. 

The cover is ok.  It has a pentagram and some dude with his mouth locked shut.  Whatever.  It makes no sense like most things released on Cleopatra.

Booklet:  1 Lame Ass Remix out of 10. 

Can this label do anything right?  The songs listed in the booklet and on the back of the CD are in the WRONG order!!  Tracks 1 to 3 are right, but track 10 is really track 4, track 4 is track 5, track 5 is track 6, etc.  Does anybody proof read this shit?  Other than that totally unprofessional bullshit, the booklet has the history of Motley Crue, and we all know that already, so overall it’s basically worthless.

Songs:  1 Lame Remixes out of 10. 

I’m not going to lie, these remixes suck.  Most of it is a techno drum beat with vocals over it.  Like all things Cleopatra, this is totally half assed.  This CD not only includes the typical unsigned singers such as Marq Torien, Steve Summers, Joe LeSte, Jizzy Pearl, and Stevie Rachelle, but for some reason is also includes the band Spiders & Snakes and Synical.  Yeah, those 2 bands are really going to move some CDs.  

Comments:  This sucks, save your cash.


NIACIN – "Deep"

by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover:  4 Instrumentals out of 10. 

I have no idea what’s on the cover.  I can’t even describe it, so I won’t even try.  It does say Niacin, featuring Billy Sheehan, John Novello & Dennis Chambers.  How exciting.

Booklet:  5 Instrumentals out of 10. 

The booklet basically has some photos, thanks, credits, and shit like that.  This is an instrumental album, so how much can you really do with a booklet?  I guess it gets the job done.

Songs:  5 Instrumentals out of 20. 

How the fuck am I suppose to rate this?  It’s all fucking instrumentals except for one song!  The bio says it’s jazz-powered pageant of rock positivity.  What the hell does that mean?  This is like shit you’d hear in a fancy restaurant or some upscale club.  Obviously these guys are all great musicians, but unless you are really into this fancy ass musician type shit, this isn’t for you.  It’s like background music with virtuoso playing thrown in every now and then.  There are only keyboards, basses and drums.  No guitars, and the only vocal track is "Things Ain’t What They Use To Be" sung by Glenn Hughes.  They do cover Van Halen’s "Mean Streets" and Billy Sheehan does the intro on his bass, so that’s cool.   "Mean Streets" was basically the highlight of the CD for me.  I’m not really not one to judge this sort of thing, so instead of slamming it I’ll just give it a 10.  I guess it’s cool if you like this boring shit, but you can’t really drink a beer while you listen to it.  Maybe some expensive wine though.

Comments:  This is basically an instrumental record featuring Billy Sheehan on bass, John Novello on the Hammond B3 Organ, and Dennis Chambers on Drums.  Of course they are all great players but I prefer things a little more exciting.  Sheehan does some pretty whacky shit on the bass that was pretty cool though.  Another portion of their bio says it’s a crackling, muscular album of progressive rock filled with power trio of bass/organ/drum instrumentals.  If you are one of those pure musician types you might dig this.  But if you are Mr. 3 cord guitar player then don’t even bother.  I should note that we got this CD sent to us by their label, so that’s why I reviewed it!  Don’t be thinking I’m into this technical shit!


PANTERA – "Reinventing The Steel"

by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover:  3 Cowboys From Hell out of 10. 

I think this cover basically fucking sucks.  It reminds me of a Pantera bootleg.  It’s a bunch of fire with some guy in his boxer shorts jumping through it holding a bottle, but the bottle is blurred out so you can’t see it.  It’s probably Jack or something, but what’s the fucking point?  The album is called "Reinventing The Steel", not "Reinventing Fire", so you’d think it would have some sort of metal or steel theme.  All in all it’s pretty lame and poorly thought out.  

Booklet:  6 Cowboys From Hell out of 10. 

The booklet has what appears to be handwritten lyrics, some thanks, credits, and all that shit.  The CD tray has a picture of the guys smiling and laughing, kind of like "you stupid ass, thanks for buying this weak ass album.  You just bought us more beer and weed!"  

Songs:  6 Cowboys From Hell out of 10. 

These songs are ok, but nothing on this album can match their first 3 albums.  There are no really insane riffs or anything I haven’t heard before.   It’s all kind of average. My favorite tracks are "Hellbound" and "What’s My Name?".   "You’ve Got To Belong To It" has a heavy groove that’s ok, "Goddamn Electric" and "Death Rattle" are sort of cool.  The last 3 songs on the album are kind of weak.  I was expecting a lot more, but maybe because I’m a jaded bastard.

Comments:  This by far isn’t the best Pantera record.  It doesn’t suck, but it’s not anything that knocked my balls off.  It’s sounds like they are going through the motions.  There are only 10 songs and the entire album is only 43 minutes long.  It took them this long to come up with this?  This is the first Pantera album that Terry Date hasn’t been involved in producing, so maybe that has something to do with it.  I rate this album a thumb in the middle.


SAMANTHA 7 – "Samantha 7"

by Jani Bon Neil

Cover:  7 Crack Rocks out of 10. 

The cover is rather colorful and has C.C. and his 2 jabronies on the cover.  It does stand out and grab your attention, and for some reason I like it.  

Booklet:  6 Lines out of 10.  

The booklet is a tad above average, it has lyrics, a few black & white pictures, and a big color picture next to the credits.  I also noticed that it’s not C.C. DeVille, but Cecil DeVille.  Actually, it’s neither, it’s Bruce, but I’ll play along.

Songs:  6 Eight Balls out of 10. 

The music itself is ok, but "Cecil" just doesn’t have a lead singer voice.  And in every song he sounds exactly the same.  The songs I think are decent include "I Was Framed," "I Wanna Be Famous," "Bury Me," "Bonnie Bradley" and "Slave Laura."  The rest of the song fall into the "eh" category.  Nothing that bad, but nothing I want to pull on my dick about.  Also, Jack Blades produced the CD, but production is kind of weak at times.  It had the potential to be a lot better production wise.  There are 11 songs on this CD and it clocks in at 29.23, so most of these songs are under 3 minutes.  

Comments:  Cecil can write good songs, but he should stick to background vocals.  He doesn’t have that strong a voice to be a lead singer.  But if you can find this CD used or in the bargin bin, it’s worth checking out.


SILVER GINGER 5 – "Black Leather Mojo"

by Jani Bon Neil

Cover:  5 Wildhearts out of 10. 

The cover is nothing fancy.  It looks sort of metallic and says Silver Ginger with 5 in the middle of it.  Underneath that is the album title.  You can read everything well and it stands out, but nothing overly exciting.

Booklet:  5 Wildhearts out of 10. 

Anytime the word ‘a’ is written in this booklet, it is represented as a star, and every ‘s’ is represented as the number 5.  5o for the re5t of my booklet review I’ll write like th*t 5o you c*n under5t*nd how it look5.  *fter * while it get5 * little irrit*ting, e5peci*lly when you *re trying to re*d the lyric5.  *nd forget trying to figure out the credit5 bec*u5e there *re *bout * million 5t*rs *nd 5’s *nd it get5 h*rd *s fuck to re*d.  I’d h*te to try to re*d thi5 5hit drunk!  While it’s cre*tive, it require5 too much thinking *nd who re*lly w*nt5 to do th*t?  Oh ye*, there *re 5ome picture5 *nd other th*n the 5t*r5 *nd 5’s, it look5 good.

Songs:  10 Wildhearts out of 10. 

That’s right, 10 out of 10.  There isn’t a lame song on this CD.  If you liked the Wildhearts, you’ll totally be into this disc, and it even features an old Wildhearts song in "Church Of The Broken Hearted."  And if you aren’t familiar with The Wildhearts, then you fucked up and missed out on a killer band.  But don’t fuck up again and miss out on this CD!  The album is filled with great rock anthems and catchy songs without sounding dated.  This just goes to show that you can write catchy anthems without weak lyrics and dated themes.  The lyrics are well thought out and the songs couldn’t be better put together.  And each song sounds different than the last, but they all fit together well.  "Anyway But Maybe" starts out with very heavy double bass and drums only to completely shift in a totally different direction by the time the first verse kicks in.  "Inside Out" and "To Love Somebody" are more on the mellow side.  "I Wanna Be New" is a 2 minute song that roars along rather fast but will still be stuck in your head after the first listen.  "The Monkey Zoo," "Take It All, Why Don’tcha," and "Doggin" are my personal favorites, at least as of right now.  I’m not going to try to explain these songs, I’ll just say find an import store online or go to Japan and pick this shit up!

Comments:  Why does Slaughter have a US deal but Silver Ginger doesn’t?


SLASH’S SNAKEPIT – "Ain’t Life Grand"

by Jani Bon Neil

Cover: 8 Axls out of 10.

The cover is cool and is like one of those caricature drawings you get at a fair. Everything is distorted a bit. 

Booklet: 4 Axls out of 10.

The booklet takes a hit because there isn’t much to it. I was expecting more from Slash. It only has the lyrics to "The Alien," some credits, and thanks. Pretty half ass.

Songs: 7 Axls out of 10.

I like this album a lot more than Slash’s first album.  Tracks I like include "Been There Lately," "Life’s Sweet Drug," and "Speed Parade." This is a good rock record.  Slash can still come up with some pretty good riffs.  Had this album been released about 10 years ago, it probably would have done much better. 

Comments: This album should do a lot better than it’s doing. Slash’s probably doesn’t care though, he’s got enough cash to play and record whatever he wants. 




DEE SNIDER – "Never Let The Bastards Wear You Down"

by Freelance Reporter Axl Bundy

 

Cover:   6 Bikers in Drag out of 10. 

It’s basically just a copy of the tattoo Dee has on his arm. One plus is the title change. Originally Dee had a contest on his web-site (www.deesnider.com) to name the CD. That’s pretty fuckin’ cool, but god only knows why the winning title was "Diamonds In The Dust" possibly the WORST CD title since "Latest and Greatest".  Even though "Diamonds.." is a lyric from the song "What You Don’t Know" off Twisted Sisters ‘Under The Blade’ album (I TOLD you I knew my shit!) as far as an album title it’s just plain GAY!

Booklet:  7 Bikers in drag out of 10.

In some ways the booklet is pretty cool, 10 panels, color, full lyric sheet, he even put pictures of the scrubs in his band AND let them list their own ‘thank yous’ , something you don’t see much on a ‘solo’ CD. There’s also a full panel of 25+ Dee related merch items that you can order at pretty reasonable prices. The bad part is the photo collage is just a bunch of small pix of old brown-haired guys in the studio during the recording of the CD. Considering Dee is promoting this as a ‘retrospective’ of his career, you’d expect at least a few cool photos from the ‘Twisted days, but you won’t find one bit of lipstick or spandex in the collage. Lame. One panel has a swirled collage of just solo/smf era Dee photos which is pretty cool, as you can see his Mohawk and that he still looks cool as fuck, even without the make-up. It’s all-in-all a pretty good package, considering it’s on KOCH records, who are basically another CMC/Spitfire label,  trying to make a quick buck off old names (Dee, Doro, Slash, George Lynch etc..) because they’re too fucking stupid and incompetent to look for NEW bands to sign.
 

Songs:  2 Bikers in Drag out of 10. 

Now this is the part that breaks my heart. The disc starts with the familiar bass riff from ‘Ace Of Spades’ by Motorhead. Why? Because the song ("Hardcore") is about LEMMY man! Motorhead actually recorded this song once for a soundtrack and even Lemmy couldn’t make it cool! The sad thing is that by the end of the CD you’ll realize that ‘Hardcore’ is one of the BEST songs on the disc! Yes it’s that bad. Now lets look at this a little closer. The man that wrote the AMAZING "We’re Not Gonna Take It", "The Price" and "You Can’t Stop Rock n’ Roll" COULDN’T be responsible for this crap, could he? Well at closer inspection I believe I’ve uncovered the culprit at least partially responsible for this farce…Bernie fuckin’ Torme. Who you ask?  Bernie Torme was some hack guitar player Dee played with after Twisted broke up, in a blues/cowboy metal band called Desperado. They had a deal on Elektra, but the album got shelved 2 weeks before it’s release. Now we know why! 6 of the 10 songs were co-written by jackass Torme. I’ll bet it was his idea to do the AWFUL cover of that horrifically shitty old song ‘The Wanderer’ too. The last song "Ride Through The Storm" was even ON the ill-fated Desperado CD. Did Dee think he could slip that crap on there and us SMF’s wouldn’t notice? I’m offended! In actuality only 3 of the 10 songs were written by Dee himself, which is good AND bad. It’s good because the SMF’s can still have faith in their fearless leader, but bad because this was marketed by Dee himself as a "retrospective" of songs he’d written throughout his career, which is a load of bullshit. It’s 6 shit Desperado songs, one shittier cover, and 3 songs that were obviously not even close to being good enough to make it on a ‘Twisted Sister album. Oh yeah, and on top of that the production is weak. I’ve heard Cleopatra tribute CD’s that sound better. Ok maybe it’s not THAT bad, but it’s pretty lame!  
 

Comments:  Well I feel ripped off. Dee said this was going to be a collection of cool old songs from his "career" for the fans. I would expect this kind of blatant bullshit from Jani Lane, but NOT DEE, he would NEVER fuck over his long-time fans right? Wrong. In reality this a poorly recorded collection of ‘Desperado’ rejects. How can he call this a retrospective of his ‘career’ when 80% of the songs were written when he HAD NO CAREER? This record was recorded because Koch offered Dee some cash and he took it and threw together a worthless piece of plastic, which was then of course dedicated to the ‘fans’, who are obviously the only ones that could be fooled into buying this crap. Nobody gives a fuck about ‘Desperado’ (or his other great ‘career’ Widowmaker either).  Dee was the baddest motherfucker on the planet as the singer for Twisted Sister, and returned to glory as the sick fuck ‘Capt. Howdy’ in Strangeland, but their are no signs of that glory on this CD. Possibly the worst reality about this is that Dee says he’ll never record again, so this is all that he feels his fans are worth. I suggest we all just forget this ever happened. Kick back, put on ‘Under The Blade’, and remember the king as he should be, and NEVER speak of this record again.  


SR-71 – "Now You See Inside"

by Freelance Reporter Gerri Gargano

Cover: 5 Politically Corrects out of 10.

What the fuck is it? If I knew I could comment. I looked at it, I turned it upside down and sideways, then I downed a few shots and that didn’t help much. So now, with the shots, and with it upside down, I’m thinking it could be a robot maybe?

Booklet: 4 Politically Corrects out of 10.

Typical credits, thanks, and lyrics. Each band member has a pic so that’s cool. But I do have a comment for Mark. Dude it looks like that Rogaine shit took right off–right off your head and onto your face. What’s up with the sideburns?

Songs: 8 Politically Corrects out of 10.

There are 11 songs on this CD and I like them all. All the songs are very "catchy." I especially like "Politically Correct" which starts out with "I don’t mean to piss you off with things I might say…." They should have left me help out with the lyrics though. I think it should be "I don’t mean to piss you off with things I might say but I sure as fuck hope I do anyway." Butch Walker co-wrote "Right Now" with Mitch Allen, which is getting airplay. The more I listened to the rest of the CD the more I liked it.

Comments:  SR-71 is similar to Marvelous 3, Mars Electric, etc. If you’re into them then you should like SR-71.




UNION – "The Blue Room"

by Jani Bon Neil

Cover:  3 No Doz out of 10. 

The cover is some sort of design with stairs leading up to a window.  I have no idea what the hell this is all about.  Plus Union and the title "The Blue Room" really don’t jump out at ya and sort of look like something that was created in Photoshop.  I’ve seen local bands with better covers.

Booklet:  5 No Doz out of 10. 

When you open the booklet, you see more of the picture that was on the cover, but it still makes no sense to me.  Maybe I need to take some drugs, or I’m just not that deep.  Being pretty swallow and superficial, I’m not really into thinking much and trying to figure out the meaning of things.  So continuing through the booklet, each band member gets a nice full page photo.  Corabi & Kulick must have been feeling generous because they even let Brent Fitz and Jamie Hunting get full page photos as well!  Then the booklets ends with just typical credits.  No lyrics, nothing exciting.  But this is Union, so I wasn’t expecting much  sizzle.  A UPS truck has more flash than this booklet.  

Songs:  6 No Doz out of 10. 

The first single called "Do Your Own Thing" is about people ripping on Gerri Miller, so that automatically gets 6 points taken away!  I don’t care how the song sounds, it automatically gets a smackdown.  The song could have been "Stairway To Heaven" part 2, and I still would have knocked it down because it was inspired by Gerri Miller.  On "Who Do You Think You Are" the chorus has "motherfucker" in it, so that’s pretty metal.  That earns a point or two.  All the songs all have pretty catchy choruses and there are a few cool riffs.

Comments:  This album sounds a lot more like a band than their first record did.  It’s more cohesive and they have more of a sound this time around.  It’s basically a straight ahead rock album.  There are a total of 10 tracks on the album.  


UNION UNDERGROUND "…An Education In Rebellion"

by Jani Bon Neil

Cover: 7 Deadmen out of 10.

This appears to be some girl who looks rather pissed off. It’s got some arty look to it. It lets you know that this isn’t going to be a glam record.

Booklet: 6 Deadmen out of 10.

This is a somewhat simple booklet with lyrics and a band photo. Nothing too exciting.

Songs: 8 very reminiscent of Powerman 5000, and "Killing The Fly" and "Until You Crack" have a very strong Alice In Chains feel to it. A lot of the vocal layers remind me of Alice In Chains. Despite the obvious influences, I thought it was cool. It’s a good mix of modern electronic sounds with memorable riffs and hooks. There isn’t a bad song in the bunch. It’s a very in your face album and the guitars will slap you in the face.Deadmen out of 10.

This CD is a cross between Powerman 5000 and Trixter. Just seeing if you’re paying attention. Actually it’s a cross between PM5K and Alice In Chains. "Drivel" and "South Texas Deathride" are

Comments: Their sound is nothing new but it works for me.


VAN HALEN TRIBUTE "Little Guitars"

by Jani Bon Neil

Cover:  5 Little Guitars out of 10. 

The cover is somewhat a take off of Van Halen’s 1984 album cover.  It has a kid with angel wings making a face.  It says Little Guitars at the top and ‘A Tribute’, but nowhere on the entire CD does it say the name Van Halen.  What’s up with that?  More half assed shit.

Booklet:  2 Panamas out of 10. 

The booklet opens up and only has credits.  You don’t even get a half assed story on the history of Van Halen.  Just credits and that’s it.  Boring.

Songs:  6 Beautiful Girls out of 10.  

This CD is produced by Bob Kulick, and features the following:

1.  Unchained by Jack Russell with Dweezil Zappa on guitar

2.  I’m The One with Mark Slaughter singing and Doug Aldrich on guitar

3.  Dance The Night Away with Joe Lynn Turner singing and Reb Beach on guitar

4.  Light Up The Sky with Doug Pinnick singing and Yngwie Malmsteen on guitar

5.  Panama with Jani Lane singing and George Lynch on guitar

6.  Hot For Teacher with John Corabi singing and Bruce Kulick on guitar

7.  Running With The Devil with Stephen Pearcy singing and Jake E. Lee on guitar

8.  Pretty Woman by Nelson

9.  Atomic Punk by Fee Waybill singing and Brad Gillis on guitar

10.  So This Is Love with Jeff Scott Soto singing and Blues Saraceno on guitar

11.  Little Guitars with David Glen Eisley singing and Mitch Perry on guitar.

As for who plays bass and drums, who cares.  The best song on this CD is Hot For Teacher with Corabi singing because he sounds into it and the song holds up well.  He seems pretty natural going over Dave’s raps.  As for the rest, it’s all ok, but nothing great.  Why is Pretty Woman included on a Van Halen CD?  It’s not even their song, it’s a Roy Orbison song, and Nelson play it the way Roy did.  There was no reason to include that song when there are a ton of other more worthy VH songs.  Jani Lane’s voice sounds weak on Panama, Mark Slaughter sounds ok, and who gives a shit about Fee Waybill, Jeff Scott Soto, or David Glen Eisley?  Are any of those names going to sell CDs?  No.  And Pearcy’s version of Runnin’ With The Devil is horrid and really shows how much he sucks as a singer.  He makes Dave Mustaine sound like Rob Halford.  As for the guitar work, most of them do it ok.  All in all, it’s another lame ass Tribute CD.  

Comments:  I noticed this CD is put out by Shrapnel Records, NOT Cleopatra.  Great, another label has to get in on the Tribute Bandwagon.  This is really nothing you need to hear on this CD.  The versions on "Little Guitars" sound pretty weak when compared to the originals, and those songs were recorded about 20 years ago.  If you want a Van Halen Tribute CD, I’d recommend "Everybody Wants Some" by a bunch of Boston bands.  At least they try to make the songs their own.

Before I start let me explain one thing. I am the biggest Twisted Sister fan alive and I think Dee is one of the best frontmen EVER. Keep that in mind when reading my review. This is going to hurt me a lot more than it’ll hurt you…..  

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