Kopy Kathouse with KISS tribute band KLOWN
KLOWN with manager Bill Acorn.
What the fuck!
That’s what we said, and that’s a good thing. These guys are everything every kid wanted to be that didn’t grow up on KISS. So without further trying to figure out of if they are gay, bi, straight or KISS fans, we’ll let KLOWN tell you.
They are (color coded for your help) MAESTRO (Paul), PYRO (Gene), ASTRO (Ace) & CRISSCO (Peter).
1. This is your only chance to plug your cirkus?
MAESTRO (Paul) & KLOWN: The only KISS tribute band that doesn’t suck. Check out our website @ http://klown1.netfirms.com and buy some merchandise. Also check out some video footage @ http://www.angelfire.com/music6/klown If anyone would be interested in a KLOWN DVD we are in the process of putting something together. $10 bucks. Just contact us at email@example.com
2. Tell us more about your fan base the KLOWN ARMY?
MAESTRO (Paul): They are a small yet loyal group of musical aficionados who have taste and are not tone-deaf retards like most KISS tribute band nerds. They know we rule and we know they know. As long as they keep their mouths shut and worship us from afar it all works out fine. We are only interested in KLOWN groupies so unless you’re going to put out we are only interested in your money and your mindless adoration. We don’t want to hang out with you, we don’t want to sign autographs and take pictures with you, we don’t care how many posters of us you have hanging on your wall. Just shut up and sign the check. THAT’S what rock and roll is all about baby.
Maestro Pyro Astro Crissco
PYRO (Gene): Our fan base consists of two groups of beings coexisting together, people with a sense of humor who like good music, and uptight KISS nerds who think we are somehow violating some kind of sacred respect to the band that milks us of every penny they can (and we willingly pay of course.)
ASTRO (Ace): Anyone that likes to laugh and have a good time falls into our fan base…. I just read where Maestro said “Tone-deaf Retard”, hahahha, sounds like a cool new name for Tommy Thayer’s character in KISS.
CRISSCO (Peter): Our fans mainly consist of people who have a love for Rock ‘N Roll…some love us, some hate us, but they all come back to the next show. Kiss nerds may hate us but we love the band as much or more than them….next question please.
3. Name the highest & lowest points of the KLOWN karrer to date?
MAESTRO (Paul): All the points are high ones. KLOWN have had no low points. We have appeared at and totally dominated some of the highest attended KISS Expo in recent memory. Completely and totally blowing away more established KISS tribute bands that actually pretend to be KISS for a living. We do what we do for fun and really have no time to devote ourselves 100% yet we were still able to outdraw and outrock bands who put way more time and effort into it. I guess we’re all just naturally gifted and don’t have really try to be as great as we are. We have jammed onstage with Jason McMaster from Dangerous Toys/Watchtower/Broken Teeth/SSIK/etc. as well as Wednesday 13 from the Murderdolls/Frankenstein Drag Queens. And we have been given the personal approval of Bruce Kulick and the godfathers themselves…Gene, Paul, and Peter. Ace would also think we were cool.
PYRO (Gene): The high and low point for me was the first show. It was at the first Charlotte KISS convention, the KISS nerds in e-mails and phone calls, trying to stop us from appearing, had bombarded the promoter. Standing backstage right before we went on was one of the best highs I have ever had as far as anticipation. We didn’t know if we were gonna bomb and feel the wrath of the KISS nerds, or convince them with our uncanny musical ability that we came to rock. There was gonna be no in-between. Well we went over great and that was very satisfying, but I was really looking forward to seeing uptight KISS nerds in agony, that didn’t happen, so that was a low point.
ASTRO (Ace): High…Silencing the KISS Nerds who gave us so, so much shit via email and message boards before our first show. They were the same people that wanted their picture taken with us afterwards. Also seeing Bruce Kulick watch me play from the audience. I sat in the nosebleed section of the Charlotte Coliseum every year KISS came to town and watched him, so it was surreal. Low…None really, maybe being so busy in our other bands and not having enough time to do more KLOWN shows.
CRISSCO (Peter): High… when we all got laid because no one knew what we really looked like without our makeup on!! Low…I guess it had to be when small black children through beer bottles at us at the Freedom Drive carnival in
4. When did you start playing your instrument and have you been in any other originals projekts?
MAESTRO (Paul): Been plucking away for many, many years. We’ve all got other musical projects that we devote most of our time to. ANTiSEEN: http://www.antiseen.com The Dead Kings: http://www.thedeadkings.com
Cronic Disorder (who were reviewed in Sludge’s "Rock On The Decline"
section a few years ago) http://cronic3.bravehost.com/
All of these bands are great and deserving of your money as well so check out their websites and buy their records, CD’s, DVD’s, and merchandise. You can also see and hear all three bands in the award winning zombie flick COME GET SOME that is available for purchase at http://www.comegetsomethefilm.com Yeah, you said I only had one chance to plug our shit but eat poop pieboy. We learned from the master himself!!…. Mr. Simmons (Get in touch Gene)
PYRO (Gene): I play drums, bass, and guitar and do some singing. Somehow, I’ve always known how to play drums, I dreamed of a drum set for years before finally getting one. The guitar was a little more challenging, but once I turned to the dark side of the force they were no sweat. I am the drummer for ANTiSEEN, who are quite famous, or infamous in some circles. Also played with BLOODY MARY, and did some shows with CONQUEROR WORM, ALCOHOLICS UNANIMOUS, COCKNOOSE, LIMECELL, and once subbed for an ailing ERIC SINGER, but people gave me hell for wearing his makeup.
ASTRO (Ace): Mom caught me jumping around my room many times, jamming along to KISS ALIVE! while playing a baseball bat for a guitar. Funny thing is, it happened again just last week! Been playing guitar for 15 years or so. When I am not making animals out of balloons, I fiddle with a banjo and dulcimer as well. Wandered around in an old metal band called Deviant for a few years, before KLOWN manager/Jeff Williams and I started a band called The Dead Kings, which is still going strong to this day. While in The Dead Kings, I have played hundreds of shows, scored hundreds of women, and made hundreds of dollars. Since becoming a King I have met Jimmie Walker, Erin Gray, Catherine Bach, and Lemmy, so all in all it’s been a successful trip. Being in The Dead Kings also led me to meet all the other dudes in KLOWN, who are talented and lucky enough to be interviewed by METAL SLUDGE!!! The circle is complete.
CRISSCO (Peter): I started playing when I was 13, didn’t know then or now what the hell I was doing, but I could keep the beat and please the ladies, they love Crisscooo. I started a cover band in 1989 called Rackkaus and later formed Cronic Disorder… well that went to shit, so heres Klown!
Wednesday 13 with KLOWN.
For once in his life Wednesday is the normal looking guy.
5. Let’s do rate a Make-Up 1-10. ONE being a plain-faced joke and TEN being a Van Gogh!
The Original KISS:
MAESTRO (Paul): = 10 (except for Peter Criss on the debut album cover) …that gets a 27.
PYRO (Gene): The quintessential make up job.
ASTRO (Ace): (Way not to rank ‘em Pryo…) 9, slid down a bit only because of the last few years.
CRISSCO (Peter): 9…not quite as good as Klown…well by far.
Insane Klown Posse:
MAESTRO (Paul): = Ronald McDonald is more hard-core. He’s been keeping it real since back in the day. ICP are a bunch of bozos-come-lately and have no flow. Vanilla Ice and Snow could bitch slap them in a freestyle battle royal. Juggalo these nuts.
PYRO (Gene): Forget hip-hop and wrestling, their movie was a classic.
ASTRO (Ace): 5 I used to date a girl who loved to screw while listening to their music…I just remember wishing she would shut that shit off!! I gotta admit, although
I really could care less about their music, the gimmick is a damn original idea.
CRISSCO (Peter): 5 For stealing our makeup idea and getting away with it.
The Ultimate Warrior:
MAESTRO (Paul): = minus 27. How about some real painted wrestlers like The Great Kabuki, Muta, Mr. Pogo, or the friggin’ Road Warriors?
PYRO (Gene): Road Warrior wannabe.
ASTRO (Ace): 0 I am not a wrestling nerd like Maestro and Pyro… heard of him, but never seen him.
CRISSCO (Peter): Well I can’t even give him a zero, not so ultimate after all… steroid freak!
MAESTRO (Paul): = 11.
PYRO (Gene): The quintessential originator.
ASTRO (Ace): 1000teen Remember The Coop! I put out a tribute CD to him a few years back called “Thinking Of Alice”, get one from www.scatboyrecords.netfirms.com The CD had contributions from original members Neal Smith and Michael Bruce, so I guess you could say I dig Alice! “The Eyes Of Alice Cooper” was one of the best albums released last year, but it got buried beneath a huge pile of trendy “Head Bangers Ball I am a 20 year old angry kid that wears mascara” music. I can’t wait for Cooper’s next one, “Dirty Diamonds.”
CRISSCO (Peter): So hot I give her a 10.
Jim Karey in The Mask:
MAESTRO (Paul): = Beetlejuice could kick his ass. How about one you left out? King Diamond gets a 666.
PYRO (Gene): Anything’s better than the ultimate warrior.
ASTRO (Ace): 8.3 Funny as hell on “In Living Color”, but went downhill from there. I heard he digs Cannibal Corpse, so high marks for even knowing what Death Metal is!!
CRISSCO (Peter): 10 and ¾… Karey rules.
KLOWN rocks out with Dangerous Toys frontman Jason McMasters.
6. As sad as it may seem one day there will be tons of kover bands covering Korn, Limp Bizkit, and maybe even Papa Roach. If you had to be a tribute to any modern day band who would it be and why?
MAESTRO (Paul): I guess System Of A Down since they’re about the only "newer" band in recent memory that is interesting to me. They sound like The Dead Kennedy’s and Frank Zappa fucked and had a kid…not really into their political smitical yammering but their music and vocals stylings are very cool and very catchy. If it was any band from any era we would play only songs from Dangerous Toys, Junkyard, and Black N’ Blue…We could be called Dangerous Black Junk or Blue Yard Toys or something equally as stupid.
PYRO (Gene): It would have to be the Darkness, just so we could wear those clothes and watch Astro squeeze on Maestro’s nuts to hit them high notes.
ASTRO (Ace): Turbonegro. My full time band already steals ideas and shit from them all of the time.
CRISSCO (Peter): 3 Doors Down, because they are a killer rock and roll band.
7. Who’s hair looks more realistik, Gene & Paul’s, or the band KLOWN?
MAESTRO (Paul): Our fros rock. Gene looks like a wet rat died on his head. Paul Stanley looks like a cross between Ronald McDonald and an old Jewish lady. Plastic Surgery Disaster indeed. Damn, that’s two Ronald McDonald and 2 Dead Kennedy’s references in one interview. How cool is that?
PYRO (Gene): We don’t wear wigs, so that is a silly question. We were gonna get wigs but we decided early on, if we are gonna be klowns, we are gonna be fuckin klowns. When I go to the grocery store, all the kids know I am in KLOWN. I try and keep my identity hidden but somehow they always know it’s me. Like we are the only KLOWNS on the planet. Like circus clowns don’t eat or go to the store. Go figure.
ASTRO (Ace): Definitely ours. I wonder if Gene and Paul will sell their fake locks at the next Kiss Auction. Talk about the ultimate collectable.
CRISSCO (Peter): Everybody know the Kiss wigs are fake, because the pyrotechnics got the best of them in 76, …um..well mine.
KLOWN = Tele Tubbies?
8. Let’s hypothetikally say that Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley were to become serial killing kriminals. Who would be more likely turn into the in-famous Chikago killer klown John Wayne Gacy and who would be the penis karrying nut job from Milwaukee Jeffrey Dahmer?
MAESTRO (Paul): Penis’ and Paul Stanley go together like peanut butter and buttplugs so I think the answer it obvious. Although I’m not sure if Gene Simmons could or would ever kill anyone. I think he would try to sell them a KISS Kasket and then hire Tommy Thayer or Eric Singer to do the dirty work.
PYRO (Gene): There is only one answer to this question you know.
ASTRO (Ace): Hmmm…I am with Maestro as far as Gene goes, but I could see Paul as a serial killer. Maybe with the nickname “The Jacker”, or “The Fetish Murderer”, or “The Lipstick Slayer.”
CRISSCO (Peter): Well Gene would be Son Of Sam, Paul wouldnt be cuz he’s a woman, and how many female killers do u know??
9. What was the biggest krowd and the largest pay check that KLOWN has ever played for?
made almost a thousand bucks. Damn exchange rates.
PYRO (Gene): Pay check?
ASTRO (Ace): Over 1000 KLOWN ARMY fanatics at the first Charlotte KISS Expo. I made 10 bucks that night that bought 2 hotel priced beers.
CRISSCO (Peter): 75 people at the Waco Turnip Fest; believe it or not, no one got hit by a turnip!!…paycheck… still waiting on it. I think Maestro may be hiding it in his wonder bra.
10. You have had the pleasure of meeting the band KISS. Tell us what they thought about your kuirky idea to klone KISS as KLOWNS?
MAESTRO (Paul): This question is for Asshole…. I mean Astro, the blue KLOWN. He’ll
tell you all about it. 47 times if you let him. I do have a photo of myself in the purple getup that is autographed by Paul Stanley that Asshole, I mean Astro, got for me. Also, Gene Simmons left a message on my answering machine one time saying that he liked the concept. He was with some people one night who knew about us and they showed him our website and got a big kick out of it. We’re still waiting for his to invite us to play his birthday party or turn us all into action figures and plaster our images on condom wrappers and toilet plungers. How about a guest appearance on My Dad The Rock Star??… (Get in touch Gene.)
The guys in KLOWN with former KISS guitarist Bruce Kulick!
ASTRO (Ace): Ok, for the 48th time…. what a purple idiot…my old lady got me a Platinum ticket for a KISS show in
Gene seemed to like the idea and laughed about KLOWN. He said he had heard of us and asked me about our costume designs, etc. I showed Paul a pick of Maestro, he thought it was great, especially with the “star” wig. He ran over to Peter and said “look, me as a clown!”…You could tell he was trying to relax Peter (Get it?..Paul wants to relax a Peter!!), and calm him down a bit. Peter did eventually laugh it off and sign the pic. I will say this too; most of what you hear about these guys is true. In the short time I was around them, you could tell Peter was like a whiny ten year old, and Gene hit on every damn woman in the room, including my wife.
(I couldn’t decide whether to be pissed or consider it an honor. Oh God, I really am a KISS NERD!!) Paul really does through off a he-she vibe, weird to explain.
Thanks to all of the members of the KLOWN ARMY and the as of yet uninitiated for taking the time to check us out!! TO THE SLUDGE!!!!
Tell them Metal Sludge sent ya…. http://klown1.netfirms.com
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