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Kurt Krash Kilmister Mail Bag for April 2011.

Kurt Krash Kilmister Mail Bag for April 2011.

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Well, I’m back!  Who missed me?  A show of hands please!  Come on, put them up high.  Still waiting… nothing yet?  COME ON, just one fucking hand!  I’ll check back later.  The truth is, I’m in the middle of a long court case, and wireless internet in my new trailer park home isn’t working great.  Actually, that’s not the truth either, at least completely.  Fuck it.

Anyway I’ve been slacking on the mailbag, but I haven’t been entirely lazy.  I’m just such a perfectionist for a bum.  There are a couple cool 20 Questions interviews coming up soon.  For all the "haters" as they call them, fuck you!  Sludge is rockin’ bitches!  Between 20 Questions, G Spot’s awesome columns, the return of Jizilla, and best of all, the Metal Sludge Mailbag, what else do you need in life?!?!?

Probably a shotgun to the temple, but I digress.  Let’s dig in!  Our first email is from July 2002 Sludgeaholic of the Month Soichi!

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Hello Kurt,

 

First of all,I would like to thank USA for supporting Japan.Mothership carrier Ronald Reagan and other American militaries and citizens who are supporting and donated,you rule!!Also some European countries like England, German ,Zimbabwe,etc. Also Asian county Taiwan,they donated 60 trillion brazillion biliion USD.I dont know how much 60  trillion brazillion biliion but seems a big money.I really appreciate.

 

Mostly I joke a lot,but this time its enough.We lost about 30,000 people by earthquakes and Tsunamis.It was tragedy.We never lost people like that one time.

My son left for Tokyo today and still a lot of earthquakes.He goes to a law school from tomorrow and I sent a lot of water and batteries.

 

I have a lot of friend in Tokyo,they told me that even there are no earthquakes,they feel their bodies are shaking.I am not talking about ‘You shook me all night’ by AC/DC.

 

Fortunately I live south,1300km away from Sendai.A city called Nagasaki.Maybe you know the city,Yes USA bombed my hometown.I never wrote anything in detail on Sludge but I am a second generation of A- bomb.Believe it or not USA supposed to bomb on Mitsubishi shipyard but it was a cloudy day.So they bombed on Christian church by mistake.So USA government picked up a stupid kid to send  St.PAUL,MN to make up for.The kid’s name is Soichi Masuda.It is a fact but you dont have to spread.I really liked people in MN and still thank them.So please dont get me wrong,I love USA and people there so much.I am not blaming,we started and also it was almost 70 years ago.Now we are not enemies,we are friend so I am so happy about this.Also I can write English so I could become a SOTY and get to know a lot of cool people on Sludge and your extragavanza.

 

Talking about my city Nagasaki,some forum and exhibition called Swingin London 50’s~60’s.I could not believe but Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin supposed to visit my little hometown on April 3rd.So I tried to get a connection to get a tickets only for 300 people.I packed all of Zep merchandize including my leather jacket to be autographed.

 

But sorry to say he cancelled yesterday,I was the 1st one to know.Of course I am not blaming him and his lawyers and people around him.

We tend not to party or fool around the bars these days.So our economies are horrible.

 

I think Mr.Page thought he should have stayed away those festival things.A smart choice.I feel sad a bit but cannot complain.

 

Soichi Masuda (A fool in the rain)

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Thanks for writing Soichi.  It’s incredible just trying to fathom the damage that the earthquake and tsunami caused.  Most importantly, we’re all glad you’re OK.  That’s the most important.

It sucks that Jimmy Page had to cancel.  Hopefully it was just because of a safety issue or something, and maybe he’ll reschedule.  Tell you what, we’ll see what we can do to get another big name like Andrew Elt over there to cheer Japan up!

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Hey guys,

 

My name is Sarah Myers, I’m the Editor-in-Chief of Thirsty magazine in New York City. I’ve been reading your site for years.  I grew up on Metal Edge, and worshipped Skid Row and Guns n’ Roses. I’ve since started my own successful online magazine and have gotten to interview everyone from Henry Rollins to the New York Dolls. I’ve spent a lot of time with Lemmy, and was invited to interview him at his LA apartment in January. I thought you guys would want to link it up on the Sludge! Read all about the Jack and Cokes we drank, cigarettes we smoked, and shit we listened to during our hours together! Lem’s a total badass and a true pirate, but he’s gentleman! I know your readers will love it.

 

Lemmy link HERE  & HERE

 

Nice meeting you guys! Keep up all the good shit! If I run into any gossip, I will surely hit you up! Actually, Doro Pesch got onstage with Motorhead for "Killed by Death" last month in NYC, can you believe that?!

 

Best,

Sarah

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Well, there you go Sarah!  Because of this being in the Mailbag now, I predict Stay Thirsty will become even bigger than Facebook and Google combined.  Remember your friend Kurt when they make a movie based on you.  Brad Pitt would be a great actor to play me.

Every Lemmy interview is a great interview.  He’s the icon of icons.  Ozzy was once the "godfather of heavy metal", but then he did a stupid reality show and ended up neutered by Sharon, so Lemmy should hold that title now.  The great thing about it is he wouldn’t give a fuck.  He’s probably working on the next Motorhead album and heading to their next gig like he always has and always will, until the day he dies, which I hope is NEVER.  Speaking of worshipping Skid Row…

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Hey "Kurt", I read about Sludge’s old pal Sebastian Bachblocking Sludge from "following" him on Twitter and came up with a fun new way to piss him off!  Know what Foursquare is?  Basically, you "check in" to places, unlock badges, discover new places, and so on.  There’s a new feature where you can "comment" on somebody’s check in and they get the notification  of your comment, so I posted "BACH LOVES METAL SLUDGE!" on random check-ins and could only imagine his huge smile when he got a text notification or something saying that.  Anybody else on Foursquare?  Add Sebastian Bach and "SLUDGE" all of his check ins!

-Dustin

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"Before" this email, I thought Foursquare was a "version" of Twister for senior "citizens" or mentally retarded children.  Looks like something I won’t like.  It "took" me years to leave Myspace and join Facebook, so I’ll "pass" on this one.  Why would anybody, let alone SebASStian Bach "want" to join a site to let every nutcase know where you are at all "times"?  Oh well, he’s lonely and confused lately.  After being "owned" by Eddie Trunk on Twitter (and blocking Metal "Sludge"), it’s understandable.  The poor boy is still pissed at Skid "Row" almost 20 years later and can’t shut up about the "band" that made him famous.  Him and his buddy Axl need to kiss and "make up" with the past.  Speaking of Axl Rose (see how this is flowing?)…

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any thoughts from metal sludge on axl n roses embarassment chinese democracy selling for $1.99 now at best buy?  that’s cheaper than any number of greatest hits albums by any washed up hairband you can find!

bob bailey (no i’m not related to bill)

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Axl  N’ Fortus – their latest CD is $ 1.99 @ Best Buy



Whoever bought Chinese Democracy (I downloaded it illegally since Axl has always been a nice guy), enjoy it since it’s the last album you’ll ever hear from Axl’s Solo Band (NOT Guns N’ Roses).  It took 15 fucking years and was the biggest letdown in the history of music.  The shock from that alone is enough to push Axl back in his cave for another 15.  Mark it down.  You won’t hear another album.  If I’m wrong about that, I’ll be dead in 15 years anyway and miss Suckler’s Revenge II.  Sounds like the end of it with how everybody’s salary is being cut anyway.  D.J.!  Bumblefoot!  The 16 other guys in the band!  Time to jump ship before the Rosetanic sinks for good!  Speaking of the Titanic… ah fuck it.

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Hey, where the fuck is that Mailbag? And clean up your locker. Some of the staff complained your area smelled like piss again and you left fast food wrappers everywhere. Seriously dude, sleeping in the break room is not cool.

Also, what happened to all the meter money from the change jar? It’s empty again, and your always at that coinstar thingy.

Later/Management

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Ahhh, fuck. I don’t need this shit. Break time.

Come join me HERE as I ditch some stress for a minute.

Ok, I am back.

We had one Sludgeaholic of the Month already, and now we have a second!  Here’s an email from our August 2005 Sludgeaholic of the Month, Mr. Mattley Crue!  Once the pride of Wegman’s supermarket chain, he now is selling cars at Vision Ford and getting more ink than Nikki Sixx!

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Hi Metal Sludge Mail Bag,

I like to go to the tanning bed and get some awesome color.  I have a lot of tattoos and I feel that I look so much more awesome with a nice golden tan.  Anyways, I’ve recently started jerking off in the tanning bed and cumming all over a towel.  When I leave the tanning bed I toss the towel in the bin so it can be washed.  Do you think this is weird and if so where would be a better place to dispose my load because it would be pretty embarrassing to get caught!  There are a lot of hotties working there!

Thanks for your help!

–MATTLEY

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We’ve all jacked off in some unusual places in our lifetimes Mattley.  Back when I worked at a supermarket, I jizzed in random food and drinks all the time.  There’s nothing to be ashamed of, and at least it saves your Lita Ford 8×10 from being jizzed on again!  Hopefully you’re not jacking off in that new Ford F150 before you sell it!  What’s up with the tanning beds?  Are you trying out for the next season of The Jersey Shore?  If so, you need a better nickname than The Situation.  Any suggestions?  NEXT!

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Hi,

I am a 40 year old man with a love of internet chat rooms, especially ones with large middle aged women. Anyways, do you think its weird that I still wear velcro sneakers? Sometimes if I want to feel cool I criss cross the velcro so I am not like the senior citizens that wear their velcro the proper way with similar shoes. Also, I have a fetish for women with medicated/prescription shoes.

Thanx!

S. Sesh

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You know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think this came from the same IP address as Mattley!  It did?  I’M PSYCHIC!  It’s great that somebody’s still sporting velcro shoes.  It’s only a matter of time before they make a comeback.  Hair metal did, and velcro shoes are next.  If Bret Michaels wore velcro shoes on stage, fat groupies and wannabe rockers would go out and buy them from Payless Shoes the very next day.

This next email comes from my Facebook page.  Not only did Soichi and Mattley Crue get in touch, but old SOTM’s Smilin’ Mike and Guitarboy have gotten back in touch on Facebook too.  Blasts from the past!  For those who consider email as outdated as spandex and Aquanet, you can harass me on Facebook or Twitter, as well as Metal Sludge on Twitter.

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Fifi Larue is a fucking ASS CLOWN.  Hey, feel welcome to use my real name. I don’t care if The Ass Clown Fifi LaRue sees my name. That Ass Clown deleted me off of his fb friend list. I asked him if he had any plans on coming through Michigan and playing any shows….well, that Ass Clown was pretty rude. I was just asking & he went on to say…..yes, if you pay for our trip back and forth, pay for our room and board, pay for our meals and line us up s few gigs… WTF !? I’m not a fucking tour manager . I was just asking s fucking question.. so, I’m thinking that Ass Clown might be looking for someone who knows how to manage a band. Fuck Fifi LaRue! fucking Ass Clown.

—Jeff Freeman

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First of all, anybody named Fifi Larue sounds like they need more than just help planning a tour.  He sounds like he needs to be let outside to take a shit or taken for a walk.  I don’t see how meals would be that big of a deal since it’s just Alpo, Pedigree, or Kibbles N Bits.  Second of all, you have Poison and Motley Crue touring this year and you’re asking about Fifi Larue coming to Michigan?  I know things are bad in the Motor City, but that’s no reason to lose your confidence.  Oh well, everybody has their bizarre fetishes.

Speaking of bizarre fetishes, if you would like to have your 15 seconds of fame (we can’t afford to give you 15 minutes) and the best experience since 1989 by being in the Mailbag, you know what to do!  Fasebook, Twidder, morse code, or smoke signals, you know how to get in touch.  Until next time…

Kurt Krash Kilmister

KKKilmister @ MetalSludge . Tv

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