This is the first thing you see in a record store. Does the cover makes your nuts dance? Does it part your butt hair? Does it make sense? Does it relate to the CD title? That’s what we’ll let you know.
1 = Generic as fuck. Probably looks like a computer printout.
2 = This sucks. Who’s kidding who?
3 = Unoriginal and boring.
4 = Not quite average, but a little bit of thought went into it. A little.
5 = Since this is 5, that means it’s average stupid ass. What else would a 5 out of 10 mean?
6 = Decent.
7 = This is cool. It’s thought out and makes sense.
8 = This looks really good and professional.
9 = Almost perfect!
10 = A perfect cover. Probably contains nudity or something vulgar. We enjoy that shit. This is rare though.
Is their lyrics? Photos? Credits? Is it easy to read? Is there cool shit to look at? Here is how we’ll rate the booklets.
1 = A one page panel or something probably made by Perris Records.
2 = Probably some cheap, black & white crap not worth pissing on.
3 = The typical booklet a local band would do.
4 = Almost average, but not quite.
5 = Typical shit with lyrics, thanks, and maybe a photo.
6 = A bit above average, nothing too exciting, but not bad.
7 = Better than 6!
8 = Not as good as 9!
9 = A high quality booklet worth some money and thought put into it.
10 = A totally devestating booklet the probably features profanity, nudity, or all sorts of colorful shit. Well worth the price of the CD just to see. A Metal Sludge mention also gets an automatic 10.
Probably the most important part of a CD, don’t you think?
1 = You’d rather have Mike Tyson punch you in the genitals repeatedly than listen to this piece of shit.
2 = If you were to try and sell this to a used CD store, they’d slap the lips off your face, belly-to-belly suplex you through 2 flaming tables covered in thumbtacks, twist both your nipples counter clockwise, and then give you a flying reverse upside down DDT into a barrel of broken glass.
3 = This is a CD you’ll hide from your friends so they don’t see it in your CD collection.
4 = Not worth buying, but if you can steal it, what the hell. Use it for a beer coaster when you’re done listening to it.
5 = After a week of listening to this, you’ll get bored with it and move on.
6 = Good enough to listen to for a few weeks to a month.
7 = This is cool.
8 = The bomb diggity!
9 = You’ll probably play this again and again like a retard until your friends get really sick and tired of listening to it and break your CD player.
10 = These albums will blow your face off and you’ll end up looking like Sloth from the Goonies. Nuff said.
ANTHRAX – "Volume 8, The Threat Is Real"
by Ozzy Stillbourne
Cover: 7 Moshers out of 10.
The cover looks like a giant 8 ball or something flying through the air. It should probably get a 6, but fuck you, I’ll give it a 7 cause I dig this album.
Booklet: 9 Moshers out of 10.
The booklet folds out into a movie poster that’s pretty funny, plus it has all the lyrics and some other funny shit. I thought it was cool, so fuck you. It gets a 9.
Songs: 10 Moshers out of 10.
Perfect Score! I think these songs fucking kick ass. There are some riffs on here that are brutal and I can’t find anything wrong with this album. It’s not as heavy as Slaughter or Pretty Boy Floyd, but hey, who is? I’m sure Beavis and Butthead would like it, so I’m giving it a 10!
Comments: I think this album is fucking great, too bad a lot of longhairs don’t even know it’s out. I think they only sold like 100,000 copies of this and they are looking to get new distribution for it. It didn’t really get pushed at all. If you’re into metal you should stop reading this right fucking now, and go buy it. It’s as simple as that. If you don’t like it, then go buy yourself an N’Sync album ya little bitch.
DLR BAND – "DLR Band"
by Ozzy Stillbourne
Cover: 5 Kicks out of 10.
The cover has Betty Page with the American flag in the background. Kind of generic.
Booklet: 4 Kicks out of 10.
No pictures, just lyrics and credits. I guess Dave doesn’t want us to take a look at his aging ass. I give him a 4 just for the hell of it. Probably deserves less but who gives a fuck.
Songs: 5 Kicks out of 10.
Cool guitar work. I would have liked to hear these songs 10 years ago when Dave could still hit all the notes. But it’s good to see him at least trying.
Comments: Dave said this album took like 6 weeks for record, mix, and master. And it sounds like it. Just because he could get away with that in 1979, doesn’t mean he can now. Dave’s voice isn’t what it use to be, so it hurts me to hear his voice not sounding like classic Dave. Still it’s easier to listen to than Van Halen 3.
FIREHOUSE – "Category 5"
by bastard boy floyd
Cover: 6 Hurricanes out of 10.
Hurricanes are cool, unless you’re in one, then it sucks. But this cover was a good idea and it fit the album title, so what more can you ask.
Booklet: 4 Hurricanes out of 10.
The booklet looks nice, but I didn’t really need the 4 giant photos of each band member. This isn’t the Backstreet Boys. They look a little over dressed like they are headed to their prom or something. No lyrics, so they get knocked down for that.
Songs: 4 Hurricanes out of 10.
Category 5, in hurricane terms, basically means you’re fucked and it’s a really heavy storm. This album ain’t that heavy. I’d call it maybe "Category 2." Or maybe "Lite drizzy, with an occasional thunder storm." But those titles don’t sound as good as Category 5, so I can see why they went with that. The songs can get stuck in your head and had this album been released 9 years ago, it probably would have done pretty good.
Comments: This is a little more rockin’ than they’re previous releases, but not as much as their first 2 albums. It’s catchy stuff and it isn’t bad. It grows on you after a while like genital warts. Not that I have genital warts or anything, that just what I heard. Overall, I enjoyed the album and it put a smile on my face!
GODSMACK – "Godsmack"
by Ozzy Stillbourne
Cover: 7 Piercings out of 10.
It’s a picture of some chick with all sorts of metal in her mouth. They got it out of some tattoo magazine. I guess it’s ok, but I wouldn’t want the bitch to suck me off. I’d probably get all cut up. Who needs that?
Booklet: 6 Piercings out of 10.
Nothing fancy, lyrics and pictures.
Songs: 8 Piercings out of 10.
Plenty of groove laden rockers! Ha, fuck that. I don’t know what to say, but I like the guitars and everything else sounds good. Lots of drums and guitars. How’s that? Sort of like early Alice In Chains. Buy it and find out yourself ya cheap bastard.
Comments: The drummer use to be in Lillian Axe. He beats the fuck out of the drums live. The singer played all the drums on the album though.
ICED EARTH – "Something Wicked This Way Comes"
by Ozzy Stillbourne
Cover: 8 Headbangers out of 10.
Very 80s Heavy Metal cover. Reminds me of old Metallica or Maiden shit. Very metal.
Booklet: 7 Headbangers out of 10.
A decent size booklet with all the lyrics and typical shit. It includes a photo, and trust me, these aren’t the best looking guys. But I didn’t buy this CD to fuck them so I don’t care about that.
Songs: 6 Headbangers out of 10.
A cross between Maiden, old Metallica, and Queensrÿche. At times the singer sounds like Paul Stanley! I hope when Matthew Barlow, the singer, performs live he doesn’t grab his ass like Paul does. If you like old school power metal then I’d pick this up.
Comments: This is cool but it seems like there is something missing. Maybe I need to drink more when I listen to it. These guys are from Tampa, Florida, which is known for their metal. A worth while buy if you want cool riffs and something to bang your head to.
JACKYL – "Stayin’ Alive"
by bastard boy floyd
Cover: 0 Chainsaw out of 10.
A generic white cover with a stupid fucking Jackyl dressed in 70s clothes. No colors or anything, so obvious they can only afford 2 basic colors. I’ve seen better looking demos from unsigned bands. Another cover that would have been much better off with my picture.
Booklet: 0 Chainsaw out of 10.
Cheaper than a $5 hooker. Jackyl put this out on their own, so it’s safe to say they ain’t got a lotta money left.
Songs: 3 Chainsaws out of 10.
The 3 is for the 3 cover songs on the album. Those aren’t too bad. They aren’t too good, but they aren’t too bad. They cover Aerosmith, AC/DC, and Lynynd Skynyrd. However their 5 original songs suck, and the 3 live songs aren’t that much better.
Comments: This album is a joke. Every since their first album, they’ve gotten worse and worse. Maybe they should just stick to cover songs.
KID ROCK – "Devil Without A Cause"
by Taime "Sex" Slaughter
Cover: The cover is pretty cool. He’s wearing a pimp hat, has some braid type dread locks and has a cigar in his mouth too. Cigars and dread locks are kinda trendy lately but Kid Rock seems to have a strangle hold on being with the now. 8 cigar puffs out of 10.
Booklet: Typical booklet shit. You know credits, thank you’s, song titles, etc.. However there is some cool photos of Kid. He’s kicking it in front of a strip joint, hanging in an alley and chillin’ with the Twisted Brown Trucker Band. The band has a virtual smorgasbord of white trash. A tattooed greaser, a midget, some trailer bitches and some poser dicks from Detroit no doubt. All 8 members make up his backup band. 7 out of 10 gold rapper jewelry pieces.
Songs: A total of 12 songs in all. I have to say he is no Vanilla Ice and definitely not the Beasties. Kid has got his own thang and its cool. ‘Bawitdaba’ is a Metal/Rap mix like no other and ‘Welcome To The Party’ could be right off any Run DMC record. A great selection all the way through. 10 out of 10 trailers cause Kid has a pic of him walking in a trailer park behind the disc.
Comments: Kid has a great mix of Metal riffs, Old skool rap (Run DMC style) and a new flava too. This must be the reason why he has obtained heavy MTV play and Billboard chart topping record sales.
BRET MICHAELS – "A Letter From Death Row"
by Ozzy Stillbourne
Cover: 4 Headbands out of 10.
It has a picture of Bret bald so that’s entertaining.
Booklet: 1 Headband out of 10.
The booklet is cheaper than Bret’s movies. It’s just an in-lay card! You’d think Bret would have done something a little more professional. Fuck, I’ve seen local bands with better shit.
Songs: 1 Headband out of 10.
When did Bret become a member of the Sex Pistols? Some of these songs Bret has a fucked up accent which is really gay. He tried to sound punk or something. Bret can’t sing that great singing normal so there is no reason to try out different accents, ok? The lyrics to Party Rock Band are much better than the actual music and are probably the best lyrics on the album. The song A Letter From Death Row reminds me of an Alice Cooper song, so that’s lame. Overall, Bret better thank god Poison is back together.
Comments: This album did as well as Bret’s movies. Actually, this album made Union look triple platinum. Bret is on the CD itself and sort of looks like Jani Lane. C.C., Rikki, and Randy Castillo also play on some songs on this masterpiece. Avoid this CD like HIV.
SLAUGHTER – "Eternal Live"
by Ozzy Stillbourne
Cover: 4 Fat Fans out of 10.
It should be a lower score, but…wait a minute, fuck, ok…I’ll give it 3 fat fans out of 10. It shows Slaughter walking on water. How fucking funny is that? Dana is wearing a long trenchcoat ala the Trenchcoat Mafia. I don’t know what that means but I just thought I should point that out.
Booklet: 5 Fat Fans out of 10.
The booklet has a bunch of pictures and shit of each member. Some effort was put into this so I’ll give these bastards a 5.
Songs: LMFAO! Please, -10 out of 10.
There isn’t a single live track on this fucking waste of a CD. Has anybody else realized that the new studio track Rock The World sounds just like all the other "live" recordings? What do you think that means? It means the whole fucking CD was recorded in the studio. I heard they took studio tracks from past albums, added crowd noise, and played around with the tracks just enough to make it sound live. If you’ve ever heard a real live record, you’ll notice that live records don’t sound like this. And people wonder why we go after Slaughter. If you’ve ever had the misfortune of seeing Slaughter, you know Mark doesn’t sound like this live. When was the last time you saw Slaughter play "Dance For Me" or "Shout It Out?" Never. Everybody in the business knows this isn’t a live CD. Fuck, bullshit like this is why people laugh at these bands.
Comments: This CD is a total ripoff. It comes with an enhanced CD that shows a poorly edited and produced tribute video for Tim. Gee, don’t put too much effort into the video Blas. I think Tim deserved a better video than that piece of shit. By the way, I got a free copy of this so don’t think I paid for it!
STUART SMITH – "Heaven And Earth"
by Dick Encyder
Stuart Smith was born on May 30th in York, England and was classically trained on guitar from the age of seven. At ten years old his father got a call from his guitar tutor saying "Mr. Smith, I’m afraid I can’t teach your son anymore". When his father furiously asked "What’s he done now?" the tutor replied, "Oh nothing, it’s just that he’s better than me now". Stole that right from http://www.stuartsmith.com
The rest is my own observation. This guy is a legend in the rock community. I’m not currently, nor never have been in the rock community. That would explain why I’ve never heard of him. As it turns out he’s played with everyone from Ritchie Blackmore to blues legend Buddy Guy. Judging by the talent he’s assembled to accompany him on this album, a deal with the devil took place somewhere along the line. Being from England and a heavy drinker, I’m going to rate this album on a Newcastle scale. If you don’t know what Newcastle is, turn off your Slaughter CD, and get to a bar that has beer without a blue ribbon on it, and drink it.
Cover: 5 Newcastles out of 10.
It’s just a picture of Stuart standing in a snow covered field surrounded by trees. He’s just standing there like a dolt. Or the Blair Witch. But it follows the theme of the whole CD booklet, which is a dark gothic look. I don’t know, maybe the guy likes to walk out into snow covered field and stand there for hours. Plus he’s a heavy drinker and I can’t see his eyes, so maybe he passed out. I’m not a doctor.
Booklet: 9 Newcastles out of 10.
Including the cover it’s 14 pages. It’s got the lyrics, the songwriting credits and who played what for each song on the CD. It also has a ton of pictures of all the musicians involved with a caption of who’s who. That’s good for an idiot like me who can’t pick a guy like Marvin Sperling or Chuck Wright out of a lineup. In addition, Stuart’s put full page black and whites of more classic English Goth shit like old churches, graveyards and statues of shit like gnomes. You can never have too many full page pictures of gnomes with bird shit hanging off them.
Songs: 10 Newcastles out of 10.
10 Newcastles you say? Listen to this guy play guitar. I’m talking to you Blando and C.C. This is simply the best blues rock album in the last 10 years, so it gets 10 Newcastles. Go to http://www.melodicrock.com/reviews/stuartsmith.phtml and listen for yourself. He somehow managed to get Joe Lynn Turner to put the bottle down long enough to rock quite nicely on songs like ‘Heaven and Earth’ and the bluesy but ballsy ‘It’s Gotta Be Love’. He got Glenn Hughes to put the crack pipe down long enough to do Blind Lemon Jefferson’s ‘See That My Grave Is Kept Clean’ justice. Kelly Hansen hasn’t done anything worth while in ten years. That explains why he is on the bulk of the songs. Smith uses Hansen on straight ahead groove laden rockers ‘Don’t Keep Me Waiting’, ‘Trouble In Paradise’, ‘Do You Ever Think Of Me’ and ‘Lose My Number’. The capper, and one thing I’ll never understand, is how he got Richie Sambora to stop fucking Heather Locklear long enough to get him to take lead vocals on Deep Purple’s ‘When A Blind Man Cries’. Probably did it in one take so he could get back to doing one-eyed pushups in Heather’s dark cave til it pukes, but it still sounds pretty good too. There’s also two instrumentals, the best of which is called ‘Dreams of Desire’ inspired by Bach. The first time I heard this song I just kept asking myself what the hell am I doing with my life? I’ll never do anything as great as this. Then I went drinking/hogging and felt much better about myself. He’s got a full-length video of this song at http://www.stuartsmith.com/dreamsADSL.ram …that link is for internet connections of ISDN or better, so all you Slaughter fans on WebTV and shit, go to his site and click on the 28.8 link, but it’s gonna look and sound like Mark did in Vinnie Vincent’s Invasion, not good.
Comments: So that’s it. If you like good, straight ahead rock played by talented musicians, this CD is for you. If you like Rammstein, you can’t read this anyway so fuck off. I had to pay $30 for this as an import last February, but it was just released in the United States and you can find it at http://www.nehrecords.com/cgi-local/shop.pl/page%3DList.html with 4 extra bonus tracks for $15.50. Did Gene Simmons sell me my copy?
STUTTERING JOHN – "Everybody’s Normal But Me"
by Jani Bon Neil
Cover: 5 Prozacs out of 10.
The cover shows John walking down the street with a bunch of freaks around him. The cover is better than any of the songs.
Booklet: 3 Prozacs out of 10.
No lyrics, just credits and some thanks. Boring.
Songs: 2 Prozacs out of 10.
I tried to like this album, but everytime I listened to it, the album kicked me in the balls. It just sucks. I like Stuttering John, but this album blows ferret cock. The production kind of sucks too.
Comments: Stuttering John’s first album is way better than this pile of shit. If you’re on the Stern show and you still can’t get people to buy your album, then just give it up cause you really must suck.
ERIK TURNER – "Demos For Diehards"
by bastard boy floyd
Cover: 4 Baywatch Sluts out of 10.
The cover features one of Erik’s paintings. I think he must paint in the dark. My picture would have looked much better!
Booklet: 0 Baywatch Slut out of 10.
Absolutely no effort was put into this. All it has in one inlay card, kind of like a promo CD. No effort was put into telling people who sings or plays on each song, it just has the writing credits. It would have been nice if he had included some dates of these recordings and shit like that. I’ve seen bootlegs put together better. If this is any indication of Erik’s business expertise, it’s no wonder his coffee shop failed.
Songs: 3 Baywatch Sluts out of 10.
The album features 3 songs sung by Jani Lane, some song by Jesse Harte, and who the fuck knows who sings the rest. Butch Walker from the Marvelous 3 has some writing credit, so I imagine he played on some of this. It has 2 of the same songs that are on the Hollywood Underground CD.
Comments: The album should be called "Demos For Dickheads." This is the biggest piece of shit I’ve ever seen. It should be sold as a comedy album, cause I laughed my ass off when I saw this. The CD itself almost looks like a CD-R! It a white CD and it looks like somebody took a Sharpie and wrote "Erik Turner – Demos For Diehards." How fucking cheap can you get?
VAN HALEN – "3"
by Ozzy Stillbourne
Cover: 7 Decaying Hips out of 10.
How can you not like a fat guy getting hit in the gut with a cannonball? Senseless violence always gets high marks. Unfortunately, this is the best part of the entire CD.
Booklet: 5 Decaying Hips out of 10.
It has all of Gary’s gay lyrics and a picture of VH all smiling and looking happy. Unfortunately for them they weren’t smiling for long when they found out how bad this album tanked.
Songs: 1 Decaying Hip out of 10.
Do I really need to comment on these songs? I didn’t think so.
Comments: This album is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good. This is one of the biggest commercial flops ever. It sucked more dick than a $10 Vietnamese prostitute. It was a bigger bomb than the ones the US dropped on Japan. It sank faster than the Titanic. It fell off the charts faster than Owen Hart falling from the rafters. It was……you get the idea.