Random Thoughts On A Stupid Press Release! 4/26/02

RANDOM THOUGHTS ON A STUPID PRESS RELEASE

This is the press release for the Rock Never Stops tour and is a perfect example of PR bullshit. It might not be the funniest thing I’ve ever written, but it’s just so stupid I had to share it with you. Plus it fulfills my post quota and gets Jani Bon Neil off my back.

I’m doing this because I haven’t read such overrated bullshit since Gerri Miller was the editor for Metal Edge. Hell, as far as I know, she might have written this!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

‘ROCK NEVER STOPS’ TOUR FEATURING HARD-ROCK ICONS TESLA, VINCE NEIL OF MOTLEY CRUE, JACKYL AND SKID ROW TO ENERGIZE AMERICA IN SUMMER 2002!

America is poised to rock ‘n’ roll and have fun again, and leading the charge is the Rock Never Stops tour scheduled for Summer 2002. Starting in May, four very proud hard-rock bands that hail from the USA — PR Bullshit Rule #1: When in doubt, mention the USA and how proud the bands are to be from the USA. Fans eat that shit up, even though it has nothing to do with the tour or the bands.
Tesla, Vince Neil of Motley Crue, Jackyl and Skid Row — will play 40 shows at mostly outdoor venues. They are absolute icons Van Halen are icons. Aerosmith are icons. Kiss are icons. Ozzy Osbourne is an icon. Jackyl isn’t!!! from a time in history that will never be repeated, thank god and fans nationwide are getting their first-ever chance to see them perform together. This is music for the people! As opposed to music for animals or other life forms.

As the enormous popularity of MTV’s Ozzy Osbourne-based reality series The Osbournes, along with VH1 programming, explodes into public consciousness, it proves the relentless, unstoppable success that icons from the this era still enjoy, including the artists on Rock Never Stops! 
PR Bullshit Rule #2: Try to associate with something that is currently successful, even though it has NOTHING to do with the tour. This is also called name dropping.
This is the most worthless paragraph I’ve ever read. The Osbournes have absolutely nothing to do with the Rock Never Stops tour and I believe Ozzy has his own little tour to worry about.

Rock Never Stops headliners Tesla are about to embark on what most sources say will be a wildly successful reunion tour.
PR Bullshit Rule #3: Make it sound like people are talking about the tour, even though nobody is.
Think about it….who’s exactly talking about this tour? Did Ian Robinson do an MTV News report on this and I missed it? Was this covered on CNN? Shut the fuck up. People are talking about David Lee Roth & Sammy Hagar touring. People aren’t talking about a tour featuring Tesla and Jackyl! Tesla had many # 1 debut videos on MTV, and fans will hear these great favorites like “Signs,” “Love Song” and “Modern Day Cowboy.” During the Rock Never Stops tour, Tesla will also debut songs for a new studio album. You can only imagine what you will see and hear!
PR Bullshit Rule #4: Make it sound like if the fans don’t attend, they’ll miss some huge shit, even though there is nothing huge to see.
This is Tesla, not a fucking episode of WWF Raw or Howard Stern. I know exactly what people will see and hear. What people will see will be 5 guys dressed like truck drivers playing the same shit they’ve been playing since 86. Save the dramatic bullshit for a band that is actually dramatic. All five original members — vocalist Jeff Keith, guitarist Tommy Skeoch, guitarist Frank Hannon, bass guitarist Brian Wheat and drummer Troy Luccketta — first got back together in October 2000 for a sold-out show at the Arco Arena in their hometown of Sacramento, CA. Tesla is touring in support of the double live CD Replugged Live. It’s Tesla’s first-ever electric live album. Their groundbreaking “unplugged” live album and home video Five Man Acoustical Jam was reissued on DVD home video early in 2002. Tesla has sold more than 17 million copies of albums like Mechanical Resonance, The Great Radio Controversy, Psychotic Supper, Bust a Nut and the compilation Time’s Makin’ Changes: The Best of Tesla.

Tesla is also leading an incredibly innovative promotion for those who have yearned to live the wild life and “Party Like a Rock Star”! In each market nationwide on the Rock Never Stops tour, in conjunction with rock radio stations all across America, one lucky winner will get to hang out with Tesla for the following:
* Travel in style when a limousine or radio station van picks up the winner at his or her home
* Travel to the venue and hang out with Tesla during soundcheck, and take photos with the band
* Have dinner with Tesla at the venue
* Enjoy the extremely rare opportunity of sitting on the side of the stage during Tesla’s concert set
* Visit Tesla’s tour bus and get photos signed
Wow, how innovative. (Sarcasm mode turned off)
Can somebody explain to me what is innovative about this? Radio stations have been doing shit like this for 20 years.
I like how they say the winners will be picked up in either a limo or a FUCKING RADIO STATION VAN! Gee, a limo or a shitty radio station van.
Note: If you’re traveling in a radio station van, you are not traveling in style.

Vince Neil is a true rock icon. As lead vocalist of Motley Crue — one of the craziest, most popular and influential rock bands ever and still going strong — Thanks for stating the obvious by letting us know that Motley Crue was crazy and popular. I had no idea. (Sarcasm mode turned off) As for Motley still going strong, Soundscans for “New Tattoo” might say otherwise, but who am I to talk shit? Neil sang on hit-after-hit classic albums of the genre including Shout at the Devil, Theatre of Pain, Girls, Girls, Girls and Dr. Feelgood, which hit # 1. These records include era-defining songs like “Looks That Kill,” “Home Sweet Home,” “Wild Side,” “Dr. Feelgood” and “Without You.” During a brief period when the bad-boy rocker was out of Motley Crue and before rejoining, he released two solo albums, Exposed and Carved in Stone. Exposed featured Neil collaborating with guitarist Steve Stevens, best known for his work with Billy Idol. More name dropping. Both Exposed and Carved in Stone were recently reissued. Which means…..absolutely nothing! One can only imagine the arsenal of music Neil will unleash on the crowd. One can only imagine the arsenal of cash Vince will blow in your local strip club as he consumes Kamikazes by the bucket. Motley Crue favorites will make up the lion’s share of his set, thanks for letting us know that. For a second I thought Vince would do exclusively Carved In Stone songs and no Crue fan will leave disappointed! Especially after Vince only plays for 20 minutes and then walks off the stage in a drunken stupor because he’s pissed off that he can’t hear his monitors.

Jackyl carved a niche with their own brand of loud, proud, hard and honest rock ‘n’ roll.
PR Bullshit #4: Make it sound like the band created something that no other band ever did, even though they did nothing of the sort.
The niche they would be talking about is called the “I live in a trailer park and think a CB Radio is state of the art technology” niche. This Atlanta band defied categorization — “grunge,” “alternative” or “hair band” — with the 1992 debut of their now double platinum album. IT’S FUCKING JACKYL!! They sang a song called “She Love Me Cock” and performed with a fucking chainsaw!! That’s easily categorized as fucking hicks who played hairband style music without the fucking hairspray. Just because it came out in 1992 doesn’t make it any less hairbandish. Subsequent albums include Push Comes To Shove, Cut The Crap and their greatest-hits collection Choice Cuts. PR Bullshit #5: List past albums regardless of how few copies they sold.
They performed at Woodstock ’94 along with 40 to 50 other bands and have a track on the triple platinum The Beavis and Butt-head Experience. More name dropping. As if Jackyl was the reason the Beavis & Butthead CD went triple platinum. They had a string of Top Ten hits PR Bullshit #6: Say that every single was a “hit” regardless of it they were or not.
Britney Spears had a string of Top 10 hits. Jackyl has a string of songs that did “pretty good.” from “I Stand Alone,” “Down on Me,” “When Will It Rain” and “Push Comes to Shove” to the ripping duo with AC/DC’s Brian Johnson on “Locked and Loaded.” With two guitars, bass, drums and a chainsaw, “if you will,” Jackyl cranks out “The Lumberjack,” which is a definite “must see”! A must see if the year was 1992. They have been certified by the Guinness Book of World Records as the hardest working band in rock ‘n’ roll, performing 100 shows in 50 days. Doing 30 minutes sets on a flat bed truck a couple times a day, and then doing something like 20 shows in one day, isn’t that hard. Any fucking band could do it if they wanted to, but bands realize that it’s completely meaningless and is something that would only impress…..well, hicks.

Skid Row became immediate sensations upon the release of their self-titled debut album, which has sold more than 5 million copies. The New York-based quintet’s hard-hitting songs on Skid Row include the dramatic smashes “Youth Gone Wild,” “18 and Life” and “I Remember You.” Their second album, Slave to the Grind, debuted at # 1. The winning streak continued with B-Sides Ourselves (a mini-album of cover songs), Subhuman Race and the greatest-hits album Forty Seasons: The Best of Skid Row. Most recently, Skid Row has served as the opening band on the farewell tour by megastars Kiss.
How is it Skid Row got like 5 sentences but Jackyl got a huge paragraph and were made to sound like The Beatles? How is it that Skid Row is even going on before Jackyl?

Look for updates at www.rockneverstops.com. More dates will be announced soon, but here are the confirmed dates for Rock Never Stops so far:

05/17/02 Maryland Heights, MO UMB Bank Pavilion
05/18/02 Bonner Springs, KS Sandstone Amphitheater
06/07/02 Oklahoma City, OK Remington Park
06/08/02 Bradford, TN Skull Bone Park
06/09/02 Noblesville, IN Verizon Wireless Music
06/12/02 Boston, MA Fleet Boston Pavilion
06/14/02 Hampton Beach, NH Hampton Beach Casino
06/15/02 Big Flats, NY Summer Stage
06/16/02 Asbury Park, NJ Convention Hall
06/21/02 Rockford, IL Rockford Speedway
06/22/02 Wausau, WI Mile High Field
06/23/02 Somerset, WI Rivers Edge Amphitheatre
07/03/02 Dallas, TX Bronco Bowl
07/04/02 Austin, TX Thunderhill Racetrack
07/05/02 Lubbock, TX Canyon Amphitheater
07/06/02 Amarillo, TX West Texas A&M University
07/10/02 Weedsport, NY Cayuga County Fairgrounds
07/12/02 Cleveland, OH Nautica Stage
07/13/02 Clarkston, MI DTE Energy
07/14/02 Chicago, IL Oasis 160
07/17/02 Columbus, OH Promowest Pavilion
07/19/02 Comstock, NE 2nd Wind Ranch
07/20/02 Sioux City, IA Chatauqua Park
08/02/02 Orem, UT McKay Event Center
08/03/02 Brighton, CO Adams County Fairgrounds
08/04/02 Albuquerque, NM Sandia Casino
08/09/02 Visalia, CA Visalia Concert Center
08/10/02 Kelseyville, CA Konocti Harbor

That is basically how NOT to issue a press release. When you put out shit that is so exaggerated and full of shit, all it does is give somebody like me the opportunity to laugh at it.

On second thought, maybe more shit like this should come out.
 

I’m out like Skid Row’s set time,

OZZY STILLBOURNE