with…

Crash Kelly frontman Sean Kelly &
Sixty-10 bassist Bunnie Blue!

Being that St. Patrick’s Day and Easter both fall within the month of March this year, we wanted our latest edition of Ask the Stars to represent both the Leprechauns and all the Easter bunnies out there. We originally tried to get Thin Lizzy frontman Phil Lynott and Cheap Trick drummer Bun E. Carlos to be our mystery celebrities this month, but Phil’s dead and we couldn’t find any contact information for Bun E. Carlos. So we got the next best thing…

Representing the Irish for our March 2005 edition of Ask the Stars is Sean Kelly of Crash Kelly, and on the side of the bunnies is none other than Sixty-10 bassist Bunnie Blue! Yeah, we know Sean’s Canadian, but he’s of Irish descent and we were in a pinch. Both bands have done 10 Questions with Metal Sludge, and Crash Kelly even got signed and Sean graduated to a full-fledged 20 Questions interview with us on February 1, 2005!

Anyhow, here they are to give advice to the Sludgeaholics and to answer all of their fucked-up questions. Enjoy!

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Dear Star,

I’m a 23 year old married female. Unfortunetly my husband was sentenced to 3 years in prison. Well I had my brother and his girlfriend, and his friend move in. Well the friend and I started having sex, all is good till recently. He turns into a complete DICK!!! Treats me like shit. I’ve kicked him out twice but he always finds a way to make me give in. Please help!!!

thanks
just make him go away

Wow, you sure can pick ‘em! A husband who’s in jail AND a man on the side who treats you like shit… nice!

Frankly, you probably get off on the drama of the situation, so I would suggest adding another “exciting” man to the romantic mix… maybe a heroin addict, or a violent drunk!

You know what, if he is a DICK then stay away from his! Ask your brother for support.

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Dear Random Sludge Star,

I suffer from something called ?Pee Fright.? More or less, sometimes when I have to take a piss in a crowded public restroom, everything ?freezes up? and I have to stand there like a jackass while everyone pisses around me. Even if I have to go really bad, it all just locks up and won?t come out. This never happens at home or even at work. It usually only happens in crowded bars after I?ve had a few drinks. Sometimes I have to stand there for several minutes until the people going around me leave and a new batch of people come in. But once I actually do piss and ?break the seal,? so to speak, I have no problem for the rest of the night. It?s usually just the first time I hit the head. Are there any tricks or anything you can recommend to overcome my Pee Fright? I?m sure someone?s going to notice and think I?m a freak just hanging in the men?s room and checking out cocks or something. Please help!

Sam in San Antonio

Dear Sam

Oh yes, the “fright”… a horrible affliction, to be sure!

Here’s a sure fire cure… think of Niagara Falls! If you can hear the soothing sounds of all of that water pouring down them rocks, you’ll be whizzing as fast and wrecklessly as CC Deville during his solo guitar spot!

Another quick fix is to fixate on one tile on the wall while you’re waiting to break the seal…it will get your mind off of the fact that people think that you are waiting for glimpses of man meat.

Sam, you know at some of the old ball parks, everyone goes in what in essence is a long sink. That even gave me stage fright. Just look up to the ceiling and think of a waterfall. Down the hatch!

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Hi Star,

I just don’t know what to do. I am 24 years old and still a virgin. Guys don’t even look at me. I think it’s because of the fact that I have a fat neck and I sort of resemble a mountain. It’s very sad living my life this way. But I am in love with Wade. Wade is an outstanding young man. I think it’s his magic legs that really get my vaginal area moist. I just want to reach down there and touch myself when I see him, especially when he is running the 400 meter hurdles in the special olympics with his walker. So can you guys like give me some tips on how to talk to Wade?

Thanx.
PG24

Dear PG24,

Might I suggest beer… beer has been helping the less attractive of God’s creatures have sex for many years now. And remember, a little extra cushion for the pushin’ is no shame… learn to love your plus-size self!

You have to decide if your ready to make the whoopie. Then be as aggressive as your decision dictates. Either way, he should respect that decision. PG-24…cool name!

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Dear Star,

do you have any idea what the lyrics are to pretty boy floyd’s leather boyz with electric toyz? i can understand almost that whole song except for four words and it’s been making me fucking insane. and those lyrics don’t seem to exist anywhere on the internet or on any CD or record inserts.

Hey there,

I was going to help you out with that problem, but then I realized that would involve listening to that album…don’t get me wrong, it’s a fun song, but if I’m going to suffer taunts from my wife about my listening choices, it’s going to be for someone of a higher musical pedigree, like Roxx Gang or Sleeze Beez.

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Dear Star,

I have an Extreme Fetish, which is when I help a chick prepare for, and then she delievers to me, an “Anal Creme Pie” all over my face… Nothing gets me off more, than that warm blast of ass flavored creme pie juice all into my face n mouth…My girl did it a few times for me, but she really isn’t into it, but I sure as hell am and I want more…I love my girl very much, but what can I do to turn her from a Tea n Crumpet girl, into an all out full-fledged XXX Creme Pie Chef?!…Please respond, your answer may just be the icing on the cake.

Yours Truly,
The Creme Pie Kid

Dear Kid,

C’mon dude, admit it…you don’t have a girlfriend! You’re a 45 year old balding male, who likely wears a WWF shirt (and a dirty one at that) and lives in his mom’s basement. You like to listen to KISS’ Asylum while you surf the internet for the weirdest shit you can find, all the while wishing that your mom would have hugged you a bit more when you were young.

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Hi,

How can I lose 20 pounds by summer? I really need to get in shape and am ready to do it hard core. I can?t afford a gym or any fancy supplements or anything, I just want to do it on my own. Tell me what to do. Thanks.

Hey there,

I would suggest cutting out the sugar and the empty carbs, exercise as much as possible and try a little heroin… even if you don’t have the money at first, once you get started you’ll find a way to get your fix (this only works if you don’t mind criminal theft and prostituting yourself)!

Cut your food intake in half. Jog at least three times a week.

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Dear Star,

I am REALLY pissed off! I did my Masters Thesis on 1980s hair metal, and I DO NOT understand why nobody thinks that Winger was one of the best bands of the era, if not ALL-TIME?!?!? Why do they get hated on so much?!?!? To me, Winger should be up there with the Led Zeppelins, Black Sabbaths, the Bulletboys, and Judas Priest! But they’re not. What’s up with the Winger hate?

Sincerely,

John Q. Wingerfan

Dear John,

While Winger should be commended for incredible musicianship, you can blame the Winger hate on one factor… Kip Winger’s ballet-style video moves. In a band full of virtuoso musicians, you have to at least touch the strings of your bass ONCE in a video to make us believe that you can actually play the thing (which Kip can with great abilitly, of course). This has harmed their cred more than any other factor.

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Dear random star,

Back when I was a little kid, they had this cereal at the grocery store called ??Nilla Crunch.? It was part of the Cap?n Crunch family and was basically like Peanut Butter Crunch but it tasted like Vanilla. But then they stopped making it, probably around the late seventies. Why? It was my favorite cereal. Is there anything we can do to get Quaker Oats to start making it again? I?m sure there are a few others like me out there who feel the same way.

Signed,

Craving ?Nilla in New York

Easy, form a marketing campaign to bring to the execs, then promote on TV for everyone to ask for it at their supermarkets…Oh and raise the money to do all that!

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OK WHAT THE FRICK IS CC BANANAS EMAIL ADDRESS????? HE STOLE MY IDEA!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW TO GET IN TOUCH WITH HIM??? MY NAME IS DEE DEE CANTALOUPE AND HE STOLE MY ACT!!! PLAGIARIST!!! WHOS A GOOD ATTORNEY??? IM GONNA SUE HIM FOR BILLIONS!!!

DEE DEE CANTALOUPE

Hmm… I would suggest getting out a Los Angeles area Yellow Pages and looking through the Attorneys section… there should be no shortage of lawyers there used to helping fruity people sort out their issues!

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Hello Star,

My name is Winston and I have fantasies about velcro shoes. Sometimes I rub the velcro part all over my ballsack and I make it bleed. Do you know of any methods to help stop nutsack bleeding?

Thanks a bunch!

Hey Winston,

Tell you what, I’m wearing velcro shoes now… I could help you out by repeatedly kicking you in the nuts. This should cut down on the bleeding, and satisfy both your cravings for pain, and my cravings for kicking assholes.

Find a new hobby??? But seriously, velcro is a great invention.

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lately i have had nightmares that i turn into a jack rabbit and gnaw peoples arms off….. wuddafuck???

jACK rABBIT

You know, I have those same dreams, but no gnawing of arms. All kinds of rabbit are supposed to be cute and fuzzy, except for the ones in Donnie Darko and the Twilight Zone.

www.crashkelly.ca
www.sixty-10.com

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Got problems? We all do, but do you want a random Metal Sludge-sanctioned celebrity to help you sort out your worries, concerns, and fucked-up feelings? Then send your questions to AskTheStars@metalsludge.tv and we’ll see if we can’t find someone to make you feel all better.