It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these, but I found a very deserving candidate for the F.U. Award.
His name….Tom Mathers.
Who is Tom Mathers you ask? He’s a bitch. Let me explain.
Tom Mathers runs a “label” who distributes all sorts of played out metal CDs, and he calls it Perris Records. He use to be in a weak ass Sunset Strip band called Cherry Street, and they basically sucked. But I digress. So anyways, Tommy has been doing this distribution thing for a while. Well, a month or so ago, we got an email telling us about this other site also called Perris Records. Bastard Boy Floyd checked out the site and thought it was a joke. It had all sorts of goofy looking guys, and to be honest, most of them resembled Bastard Boy Floyd. Floyd got a laugh at the site and went on with his routine of buying $50 worth of porn every week. Then a few days later we got an email from a guy name Marty Smith, who said he heard that we were goofing on his record label called Perris Records. We said we weren’t goofing on his label, we goofed on Tom Mathers‘ Perris Records. We goofed on Perris in an interview with L.A. Guns’ Jizzy Pearl, who has a “deal” with Tom’s Perris Records. Marty told us that Tom was just a record store and he was the actual label, cause they’ve been in business longer. They deal with country and rap artists. We basically said, “Whatever”, and forgot about it. Then the debate started up on the Metal Edge Bulletin Board and naturally it progressed to our Gossip Board. Emails started coming in defending both sides. After a few weeks of this shit, we decided to put up a POLL and let the Sludgeaholics decide who is the real Perris Records. Are you with me so far? You fucking better be! Then over the weekend, we got a message on our Gossip Board from Marty Smith saying Tom wants to sue them and us for trying to fuck with him! The funny thing is, we have nothing to do with it. We don’t know Marty Smith and have nothing to do with him or his Perris Records. Besides, Tom ain’t suing anybody. But let me show you the post from Marty Smith that was on our Gossip Board, and then I’ll continue our discussion after that.
Here’s what Marty Smith, President of Perris Records had to say.
I appreciate the kindness you have shown on your site towards us. It has been rewarding to see that your poll on which Perris Records is a real label has been in our favor, even when you are a metal site and we are country and rap music. It proves to me that your readers are educated, unbiased, and good human beings. It would have been very easy for them to just vote for heavy metal because that’s what they like.
However, I have some very bad news. It looks like Perris Records is going to be sued and unfortunately for you, it appears that you may be involved as well.
The record store in Texas with the same name as us is not being very cooperative and have threatened us with a million dollar lawsuit. I guess because of the poll you are doing, he believes that you are the owners of Perris Records so he is threatening to sue you as well. I know that as having nothing to do with us, you are not at risk, but I apologize for any inconvenience this will bring to you. I still have hope that it can be avoided so I ask all of you to pray that the lord will help them see the way.
Both businesses have co-existed for many years and I do not know why he cannot continue with this. We are not competing for the same customers since we are two different genres of music. In addition, we are a record label while he is a record store. I hope he will accept the Lord into his heart and work with me, instead of against.
Please read the letter I received and following it I will discuss how this affects Perris at this time. This is exactly how the letter appears. Do not wish Tom bad will because it is obvious from this letter that he may be mildy retarded or at least has a very low level of education. We should be compassionate of this and the fact that he has so much anger inside him that he needs to do this.
Tom Mathers wrote:
LISTEN UP I WILL BE SENDING THE PAPERS OVER I NEED YOU ADDRESS, MY
LAWYER IS DRAWING THE PAPERS FOR YOU TO QUIT USING THE NAME. PERRIS IS A WORLDWIDE LABEL WITH REAL DISTRIBUTION IN CHAIN STORES EVERYWHERE, PERRIS HAS LA GUNS ON THE THE BIGGEST TOUR OF THE SUMMER WITH POISON, RATT. IF YOU THINK I’M GOING TO LET YOU MAKE FUN AND TRY TO TAKE AWAY ANY BUSINESS WITH THIS METAL SLUDE, YOUR WRONG. I HAVE LAWYERS AT MY BECK AND CALL AND THIS WILL STOP.I KNOW YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A LABEL YOU
COULD EVEN SEND ME ANYTHING TO PROVE YOU ARE MORE THAN A BIG PAIN IN MY LIFE.PLEASE EMAIL ME YOUR ADDRESS OR AM I SUPPOSE TO SEND THEM TO METAL SLUDGE SINCE YOU ARE PART OF THESE SICK GAME THAT WILL COST THEM THE ONE MILLION DOLLAR LAW SUIT I’M THROWING AT WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS MESS
OF USING MY NAME.
As you can see, he names you several times and indicates that he will be mailing the papers to your address. Once again, I apologize for this. Like I said, Tom obviously has a learning disability of some sort so please have some compassion.
I am going to try to reason with Tom once more. I know that if he has God in his heart, we can work this out. God wants his children to love each other.
If he is unwilling to work together, I will launch a countersuit. I am not worried because my uncle is a trademark lawyer and he says it will be an easy case.
We have proof that our family has used the Perris Records name since 1964. We have album sale receipts using the Perris Records name since 1989. Our tax statements show that we have donated 50% of our profits to charitable organizations under the Perris Records name since 1991.
The countersuit will include expenses on the cancellation of the Urban-Rural Get-A-Long (hall rental, advertising, permits, supplies, etc.), we will expect reimbursement for the loss of sales during this period, and worst of all, we will be suing towards losing the King of Rap.
The King of Rap has decided not to resign with Perris Records due to this pending lawsuit and how it affects our ability to do business.
As you can see, it is a dark day for Perris Records. However, the Lord works in mysterious ways and I have faith that this is happening for a reason.
Please email me or go to our message board if you need more information. I will try to respond as best as I can.
Sincere apologies and God bless,
President, Perris Records
Now by reading that, who sounds like the real record label “president?” Certainly not Tom Mathers. Do you think any real label would send out an email in all caps? Marty Smith comes off way more professional, and how scary is that? But let me go over Tom’s letter and discuss a few things that I found interesting, mkay?
How can he listen up? It’s a fucking email! Do any of you ever “listen” to your emails? I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth, Tom.
I WILL BE SENDING THE PAPERS OVER I NEED YOU ADDRESS, MY
LAWYER IS DRAWING THE PAPERS FOR YOU TO QUIT USING THE NAME.
Nice run on sentence, Sunshine. What’s up with the CAP LOCK KEY. Oh, I forgot, your SHOUTING cause Marty isn’t LISTENING UP! So your telling Marty your going to sue him and you want his address? Yeah, ok. I’m sure he’ll send it right out.
PERRIS IS A WORLDWIDE LABEL WITH REAL DISTRIBUTION IN CHAIN STORES EVERYWHERE, PERRIS HAS LA GUNS ON THE THE BIGGEST TOUR OF THE SUMMER WITH POISON, RATT.
First, what type of sentence is that? Do you think David Geffen sends out shit like that? Tom, let me fill you in on something…and feel free to take notes. Atlantic, Electra, Warner Brothes (WEA), Sony, Columbia, Capitol, Jive, Mercury, Dreamworks, and RCA are WOLRDWIDE labels. There’s probably some I’m forgetting, but you get the idea. CMC is even more of a label than you are! So let me ask you some questions Tommy Poo:
Did you pay for L.A. Guns’ studio time? When L.A. Guns finished their album, could you have rejected it and told them to start over like John Kalodner can do? Fuck no you couldn’t have!! Perris doesn’t have L.A. Guns on the Poison/Ratt tour, Tracii Guns has L.A. Guns on that tour. Did you pull any strings to get them that gig? Are you booking them too? Fuck no your not!! Are you paying for L.A. Guns to do a video? Are you taking out full page ads for L.A. Guns? Fuck no your not!! And I’m not talking about your cheap ass black and white ads that mention L.A. Guns and like 50 other bands. Those aren’t ads specifically for L.A. Guns. Labels take out ads for their bands, and they generally only plug that one band. They don’t plug 50 bands with one ad. Only RECORD STORES do that shit. Are you coming up with image ideas for L.A. Guns? Are you going to send them to Europe to promote the new album? Are you paying for photo shoots? Are you paying for their tour bus? Are you paying road expenses? Everybody, say it with me…FUCK NO YOUR NOT! L.A. Guns has a distribution deal with Perris, and that’s it. They bring you the album, and you put it in some stores. Your a distributor, not a record label. Just because you put your little Perris Records name on the CD doesn’t mean your a label. Sorry to piss on your candles, but that’s the deal.
IF YOU THINK I’M GOING TO LET YOU MAKE FUN AND TRY TO TAKE AWAY
ANY BUSINESS WITH THIS METAL SLUDE, YOUR WRONG.
Can this fuck speak English? It’s Sludge, with a ‘g’. Ever hear of proof reading? Did you actually read your letter and think to yourself, “Yeah, this is good. They’ll know not to mess with me!” Who’s making fun of you? Marty Smith’s Perris Records deals with rap and country, not metal. Have you been doing too much blow or something? You sound paranoid. Keep your nose clean, Tom. Your only hurting yourself.
I HAVE LAWYERS AT MY BECK AND CALL AND THIS WILL STOP.
As they say in the street……..NIGGA PLEASE! You ain’t got spell check on your computer, so don’t be telling me your got lawyers at your beck and call. I don’t know what your smoking, but I’d appreciate it if you send me some, I’d like to check that shit out!
I KNOW YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A LABEL YOU COULD EVEN SEND ME ANYTHING TO PROVE YOU ARE MORE THAN A BIG PAIN IN MY
That sentence makes no sense. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. Are you a Slaughter fan? Fuck, even Slaughter fans even laugh at your writing! Do you realize all the bands that visit our site? From unsigned bands to huge “metal stars”, they all stop by. Your making yourself look like a complete jackass in front of all the bands you’d like to work with. Way to go Captain IQ!
PLEASE EMAIL ME YOUR ADDRESS OR AM I SUPPOSE TO SEND THEM TO METAL SLUDGE SINCE YOU ARE PART OF THESE SICK GAME THAT WILL COST THEM THE ONE MILLION DOLLAR LAW SUIT I’M THROWING AT WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS MESS OF USING MY NAME.
So tell me, Dr. Evil, how did you come up with “one million dollars?” Lawyers like to get paid, and they’re not going to take a case against somebody if they don’t know they are going to collect. You don’t know us, so how do you know everybody who works at Metal Sludge doesn’t have $100 in the bank? First, you’d have to win your case (which you never would due to lack of evidence), and second, you’d collect $600. No lawyer is going to take a case like that. You have no case against us. You just can’t say, “They put a poll up on their site about me, so I think they might have something to do with it, and I’m going to sue them.” You suing us is as stupid as me suing Budweiser because I passed out drunk and pissed in my bed. Besides, who are you going to sue? What names are you going to mention in your “one million dollar” lawsuit? Bastard Boy Floyd? Jani Bon Neil? Ozzy Stillbourne? Taime “Sex” Slaughter? Good luck with that! And one more thing, you can’t send a lawsuit through the mail!!!!!!! It has to be delivered and handed to someone. Or as they say in the business, you have to serve it to someone. You just can’t send a lawsuit to a P.O. Box you stupid bastard! The fucking Amish even know that!
If your serious about this shit, what you’d probably do is have your lawyer issue the other Perris a cease and desist order or some shit like that. You’d show them proof that you own the name and have it copyrighted, or some legal shit like that. You get the idea. If they ignored that, then you could pursue legal action. But you just don’t sue somebody for “one million dollars” out of the fucking blue. You have to prove you lost business and that people were confused between your Perris and Marty Smith’s Perris. You’d have to prove that Marty purposely tried to hurt your business, which will be nearly impossible to prove. Marty Smith says that most of their profits go to charities, so if they aren’t making much money, how do you plan on collecting your “one million dollars.” You can’t just make up some figure and say that’s what your going to sue for! And you can’t sue us just because we put up a fucking poll! There is ZERO proof connecting us to that other site. We hardly have time to work on our own site, why the fuck would we go through all the effort to create a site just to piss you off?! Nobody knows who the fuck you are anyways, so why would anybody want to fuck with you to begin with? Your not a major player in the industry, in fact, are you even in the industry? Going after you is equal to going after the store manager at my local Sam Goody. You fucking sell CDs for Christ sakes! And if you look at Marty Smith’s site, it’s obvious they know more about HTML than we do, so once again, why create a site that’s better than our own? Don’t flatter yourself in thinking we’d go through all that effort just to make fun of you. Your just trying to get your 15 minutes of fame at our expense, but sorry, it ain’t going to happen. So in laymen terms, you can FUCK OFF!
Later? What the fuck? Don’t be ripping off my lines bitch. And what “President” signs his email “later.” Did Mo Ostin from Warner Brothers do that? Or did Ahmet Ertegun from Atlantic sign his letters with “later.” Do you think anybody with a real label would send out a piece of shit like that. How fucking unprofessional! Marty Smith comes off way more intelligent and professional than you. Marty might have a bunch of Rap and Country freaks at his label, but he sounds more business like than you do. And what are you the “President” of? The U.S? The Salvation Army? Alcoholics Anonymous? Church’s Fried Chicken? No “President” of a real label would send out an email like that. A real label would have their legal department handle it. Shit, even CMC would do that.
Jani Bon Neil emailed you recently and explained our story, and you have yet to reply to us. That’s because your a bitch. You’ve just humiliated yourself in front of all your customers and peers. Gerri Miller has more brains than you do. Maybe we should call you Gerri Mathers, no wait a minute, we’ll call you Jerry Mathers, as in Jerry Mathers who played The Beaver. Except your Jerry Mathers, The Bitchy Beaver Bitch Boy. That’s my pet name for you, since your my bitch now. Be a good bitch and send us one of your Perris Record samplers so I can use it as a beer coaster.
That’s why you deserve the F.U. AWARD! Fuck You, Fuck Your Label, Fuck Perris Records, Fuck Your Sampler CDs, Fuck Your Cheap Ass Black & White Ads, Fuck Your Even Weaker Website, Fuck Your Joke Of A Band Cherry Street, and Fuck Off!
And if your thinking about suing me because of this, you can FUCK OFF some more! This post is only my opinion, so if you don’t like it, FUCK OFF! I’m protected by the 1st Amendment, and what I’m saying is what I believe. I believe you have the IQ of a retard earthworm, so I suggest you do yourself a favor and don’t fuck with us. Go sit down and pour yourself a nice, cold, tall glass of SHUT THE FUCK UP and go sell your used CDs.