Taime “Sex’ Slaughter wrote this Christmas classic back in 1998, so we thought we’d dust it off once again for this Christmas Season.
Wow… to say we were mean back in the day is an understatement.
Oh well, we can’t erase the past. Life goes on.
Metal Sludge proudly presents:
TWAZ DA NITE B4 X-MAS
At Scary Gerry Miller’s House
Twas the night B4 X-mas as I sat here alone
nothing was ringing not even my phone
I looked out my window to see all the clatter
It was Vince from Motley, he looked even fatter
Dressed in a Santa suit full of cookies & beer
I said hey Dr. Feelgood, what have we here?
As I opened my eyes a little bit wider
I noticed he was drinking some very strong cider
More vodka and whisky and bottles of beer
I said hey Vince where are the Reindeer?
He pointed at the roof top covered with snow
It was Nikki, Tommy & Mick doing Blow
They brought me a gift some cocoa and figs
I opened it up, a brand new dark wig
They all started laughing and left like a Rocket
No relation to Rikki, who’s CD was in my pocket
I cranked up the Poison and started to smile
Then the doorbell? It hadn’t rung in a while
It was C.C. and Bobby, Bret Michaels was there
I couldn’t be happier, they all did their hair
Just like the old days with hairspray and gel
But Bobby was drunk and C.C. on krel
Bret was so charming and Rikki was too
They handed me a package wrapped in paper of blue
As I unwrapped the paper I started to cry
It was an old video tape of the movie The Fly
As they all left I heard them let out a cackyl
Then the phone rang it was Jesse from Jackyl
He started with Hi ya’ll I felt so much joy
Then he said how is your penis we know your a boy
The dial tone hit me and I knew he was gone
A band that I loved and that Chainsaw song
I made a lite dinner of ramen and bread
My bald spot is getting bigger on top of my head
I sipped from my bowl and dreamed of the eighties
I pondered this thought, “Am I a man or a lady?”
My fax started faxing so I ran like a giant
It was from Jani & Jerry & Eric from Warrant
I started reading and weaping as the letter got worse
They told me FUCK YOU so I reached for my purse
I decided to call Dana the leader of Slaughter
He answered his line and said what is the matter?
I was crying and screaming like a “Cat in a Blender”
He said “Mark is that you?” then broke into laughter
X-mas has been Hell I think I should call Hanson
Maybe N-sync, The Spice Girls or Marilyn Manson
The bands that I worship have all turned their asses
I’m no longer at Metal Edge and no back stage passes
A Happy Holiday is most likely what I will not get
but a big boot in my ass for talking so much shit
The smiles, the laughter, the rocking round up will die
and I will just suffer, be forgotten and fry
Bon Jovi, Van Halen, Ratt and Metal Wire
The editors page, a memory of me hunched over Rick Steier
Quiet Riot, Stryper & Twisted Sister are washed up
I now join the ranks with the groups who all suck
I’ll fade like blue jeans on Joe Elliot’s body
Or Danger Danger CD sales like Naughty-Naughty
Firehouse, Sebastian and Metallica too
All will forget me like a trip to the zoo!
By: Taime “Sex” Slaughter
