Random Thoughts on VH1's 100 Most Metal Moments, 6/6/04

89 – Come On Feel The Breeze

Jizzy also got denied by Quiet Riot playing a nudist colony, which is what #89 is about. Back in 1998, Quiet Riot played a nudist colony. Luckily for everybody in attendance, Quiet Riot kept their clothes on.

When did Frankie Banali end up looking like Jim Bob Dwarf? Frankie Banali looks like our own Jim Bob Dwarf in a way. I say if you put them both together you’d think they were related. I say we need to do some DNA tests and get some confirmation on this.

88 – Heads Will Roll

Vince Neil & Lemmy making cameos in John Wayne Bobbit’s porno. I never saw it. I wasn’t exactly in a hurry to see a porn with a guy who got his dick chopped off.

87 – Queen Cobra

Sex change! This is about Mark Free from King Kobra becoming a woman! Hey, what about Jackie Enx from Rhino Bucket? See got dicked over, uh…well, yeah, whatever.

Look, Erik and Jerry from Warrant comment on this! The first appearance any members of Warrant have made so far and it’s for the guy who had a sex change! That’s great! “Hey, who can we get to comment on the sex change? Let’s get Erik & Jerry from Warrant!” Good for them.

Eddie Trunk says he always thought Mark Free had a very feminine look. Yeah, him and every other band on Sunset Strip!

By the way, Marcie now works at a banking firm. So next time you go to get your check cashed at the bank, the chick behind the counter could be the former singer of King Kobra. Think about that next time you’re at the bank.

86 – Page Unledded

This is about Coverdale/Page forming. And when you think of Coverdale/Page and who should comment on it, you naturally think of….Mini Kiss! What the fuck? Who invited Mini Kiss to talk about anything?

Tawny Kitaen actually has a good line and says that Page and Clay Aikens would be more metal than Page/Coverdale. I like bitter chicks.

85 – Lethal Lungpower

Now this is metal! It’s about Sam Kinison’s video “Wild Thing.” I think Sam should be higher. If he was still alive I bet he would have done 20 Questions with us. He ruled. If Vince Neil keeps gaining weight though, he could start the first ever Sam Kinison tribute band.

84 – Alice In Waterland

Alice In Chains at the waterpark for Headbanger’s Ball in 1992. Just wondering, but who decided that Alice In Chains at a waterpark is more metal than Quiet Riot playing a nudist colony or that it’s more metal than Faith No More fish dying which is more metal than David Lee Roth having midget bodyguards? How do you decide shit like this?

VH-1 writer #1: “The dude from King Kobra becoming a woman should definitely be 84. It’s more metal than Lemmy being in a porno.”

VH-1 writer #2: “You’re fucking high! Queen Kobra is only like 87, at the highest! Quiet Riot playing a nudist colony should be 84.”

VH-1 writer #3: “84? For playing a nudist colony? Dude, that’s not metal! What crack are you smoking? 84 HAS to be Alice In Chains at the waterpark. Jerry Cantrell wore speedos! If that’s not 84, I don’t know what is!”

I’d love to sit in on the meetings on who decides all this. Talk about a great job! Sit around and drink beer, because you know whoever came up with this list had to be drinking, and just rank this stuff. Somebody hire me for this!

Wife: “Honey, how was your day?”

VH-1 Writer #4: “Ahh fuck, I had a horrible day. It was rough. I got into a huge fight about if David Lee Roth having midget bodyguards should be 92 or Slash having a booze roadie should be 92.”

83 – Burning For You

This is just stupid. It’s about the loon who carved Slayer in his arms with a razor. Fucking idiot.

82 – Anarchy In Ireland

Dave Mustaine talking about war for Irish Independence and saying stuff on stage he shouldn’t have said. Nothing too exciting other than riots and death threats.

81 – Groupies Down Under

Def Leppard having groupies under their stage. This was a good idea. Just goes to show you that as long as you’re a famous rock star like Joe Elliott, you can have a mullet and still fuck tons of chicks!

80 – Kitten Scratch Fever

Ted Nugent becoming a chick’s legal guardian so he could fuck her! He was 30, and he hooked up with a 17 year old Hawaiian girl. So what’s the problem?

Sebitchian comments and says, “he’s the motorcity maddad” and then he laughs and slaps his knee! Who actually slaps their knee at their own joke? Instead of slapping his own knee, he should just do us all a favor and slap his own face.

79 – Meow At The Moon

Ozzy again. This time it’s Ozzy shooting up his house and killing 17 of his own cats. Frankie Banali comments on this and I have to say Frankie is full of one-liners and comments. Somebody get Frankie a column.

78 – Heavy Metal Hood Ornament

This is about the original Bobbie Brown, Tawny Kitaen! She actually doesn’t look too bad when they interview her now. At least she looks better than her mugshot I saw a few years ago.

77 – Crotch Shock Rocker

Marilyn Manson humping a security guards head. Look, Don Dokken comments on this! Good to see he got a new wig for this. Don says for $5 you can rub his crotch. Don, this is VH-1, please keep your sexual fantasies to yourself. Fuckin freak.

76 – Dave’s Devil Juice

Back to DLR. This is about his devil statue he had on stage that pissed Jack Daniels during the “A Little Ain’t Enough” tour. Sebitchian says, “What can you say about Dave that hasn’t been said already about Dave by Dave!” Then he laughs like it’s hilarious. I think Bach is becoming like Dave. They’re pretty much the only ones laughing at their jokes. Maybe that’s what happens to aging rock stars?

75 – A Little South Of Profanity

Steven Tyler getting arrested in 1974 in Memphis for swearing on stage. Maybe in 1974 this would have been a metal moment but now it’s nothing. Even back then, it was nothing. Eh, next.

74 – Check Out My Ass

The Darkness? You’re kidding me, right? This is about The Darkness renting an ass, no not C.C. DeVille, but a real live donkey, because Blender gave them $848 to buy anything they wanted. This is #74? This just happened back in September 2003!

I think Jizzy hanging from the Hollywood sign should at least be #74. He’s the only person to hang from the Hollywood sign just to promote his band and nobody has done it again since they put sensors and shit up there and you can’t get to it. Jizzy got robbed by an ass.

This is basically called, “The Darkness are popular right now, we need to get them on the list!” Kinda like why we’re #8.

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