Random Thoughts on VH1's 100 Most Metal Moments, 6/6/04

73 – Cherry Pie On Top

This is about Warrant’s “Cherry Pie” video and Bobbie Brown.

Erik Turner says, “we’re still touring and playing the song live” with all the enthusiasm of somebody going to the electric chair. Then he says, “it’s all good.” It’s all good, except for the fact the guy who wrote the song is no longer in the band, otherwise things are great!

72 – Live Wire

Resurrection of Nikki Sixx, about Nikki’s OD. It’s basically all the same footage you’ve seen a million times about Nikki talking about it. Tawny Kitaen says God thought Nikki was too cute to die so young so he let him live.

NOTE TO TAWNY: Shhhhhhhhhhhh! Quiet, please. Lets keep the talking to a minimum and just about Whitesnake. No further comments will be necessary. Thanks in advance.

71 – Haunted Hell

This is about Phil Anselmo’s “House Of Shock” which is his haunted house. I wonder how Nikki feels knowing his overdose isn’t as metal as Phil Anselmo’s haunted house?! Scott Ian and Charlie Benante mention that they got to work there and scare people at one time. Then Charlie complained that fans don’t scare as easily as they used to and they just don’t get it like they do in Europe.

70 – Kiss Of Death

Kiss coffins. Frankie Banali says it’s perfect because they’re a band that won’t die and that Gene will make a buck outta anything. See, Frankie has some good lines. Somebody send him a SludgeWire to comment on. We can call him Rudy DuBrow!

Eddie Trunk asks, “Can you imagine going to somebody’s funeral and seeing the faces of Kiss?” Only if they were IN the coffin.

Sebitchian says that the one piece of merchandise Kiss fans really want is a new album! He then laughs and looks around looking for somebody to be laughing with him, but doesn’t slap his knee. Interesting. I guess that wasn’t a knee slapper.

69 – Ghouls Gone Wild

This is about some death metal band from Norway called Mayhem. The singer killed himself, so naturally, another band member ate his brains and also used it in a soup. Then a few years later another band member killed the guy who ate the brains of the singer who killed himself. Got that? Yeah, I know, big deal, right? Sounds like typical band dysfunction to me! You can’t tell me if Jani Lane killed himself that Erik Turner wouldn’t eat his brains, right? I mean, duh!

This didn’t belong on “100 Metal Moments,” it belongs on Jerry Springer. “My drummer ate my singers brains and now I’m pissed!”

68 – Plasmatics For The People

This is about the Plasmatics performing on the Ton Synder show in 1981. She pretty much makes Marilyn Manson look like Jeff Keith from Tesla. Plus she sounds like Chip Z’Nuff when she talks. That’s metal.

 

67 – Rage Against The ???

Rage bassist jumping on top of the set at the VMA’s in 2000. I don’t really think this belongs on the list. This is just a Lame Moment.

The marijuana guy, Doug, is a jackass. I want to literally reach through my screen and beat him with a tire iron. He keeps trying to make stupid jokes that are maybe only funny if you’re stoned. Which I guess explains why he probably thinks they’re funny.

66 – Blame Canada

For Sebastian? Rush? Triumpth? Nope, none of those are right. It’s for Canada not letting Motley Crue across the boarder because of Motley’s “Shout” outfits and having porn. They let them into Canada but kept the porn. Hey, so would I. Don Dokken tries to make a joke about the boarding guards looking at the porn. Don is really trying too hard to be funny. If he’d only try as hard not to look like he shops at Salvation Army.

VH-1 does show some really old ass footage news footage of this incident from 1982 that I’ve never seen before. That was kinda cool.

65 – Strip This Way

Liv Tyler stripping in the Aerosmith video “Crazy.” Big deal.

64 – Cut The Crap

This is fucking stupid. It’s about Biohazard sending a friend into Slayer’s dressing room covered in shit. Why is this even acknowledged? This is just a dumb drunken story. Who gives a…shit? That’s not a metal moment, that’s a fucked up inbred moment.

Jizzy now got passed over for shit. Life’s not fair.

63 – Masters Of Volume

It’s Man O’ War! Eddie Trunk says they’re the most metal, metal band you’ll ever find. He says it’s painful to go to a Man O’ War concert, so it’s kinda like seeing Slaughter then.

They are the loudest band in the world. In 1994, they were certified in Guinness Book Of World Records as loudest band at 160 db. I guess you can’t really talk shit about Man O’ War, because they’re so loud nobody would hear you! Get it? Anybody? Fuck you, I slapped my knee on it.

62 – Appetite For Inebriation

Slash’s speech at American Music Awards 1990 where he kept swearing is next. That was a good time. I liked that. The FCC is all freaked out now about swearing and shit but Slash was doing that back in 1990.

61 – Livin’ On Our Hair

Bon Jovi brings in hairbands in 1984 with “Runaway.” Sebastian sings Runaway…and laughs. He seriously losing his mind. Don Dokken admits they followed suit by going fringe.

Mark, the METAL EXPERT with the Motley shirt on, says Jon Bon Jovi’s influence was enormous! See, that’s why he’s a metal expert. Who else would have know that? Not me! (sarcasm mode turned off)

And everytime they show Jeff Keith from Tesla he’s always hunched over a table looking sad. Somebody get Jeff a hug and a meal. I’ve seen homeless guys look more happy.

60 – Rock Imposter

This is about the guy who impersonated Peter Criss in Star Magazine, saying he was homeless and living under a bridge in LA. John, the glam METAL EXPERT, comments on this. That’s because if anybody knows about being homeless, it’s a glam guy in LA.

I say the fake Peter looked more like Ace than Peter. They eventually sorted, or should I say snorted, it all out on the Donahue show where the real Peter and the fake Peter confronted each other. At the time, I think the real Peter Criss looked more homeless than the homeless guy.

59 – A Real Crap Job

Is this really a metal moment? It’s just about Jeff Keith from Tesla going from being a septic truck driver to being in Tesla. It might be cool but a lot of metal guys have had fucked up jobs. What about Robbie Crane being a boom mic operator for pornos? That’s more metal. Yet again, it’s only Robbie Crane so what the fuck am I talking about? I’m sorry, I was temporarily stupid.

Jerry Dixon says, “when you look under rock in the dictionary, it says Tesla.” This is basically Jerry saying, “please take us on tour!

58 – Raunch Dressing

This is about Tracii Guns putting his ass in a salad. Not tossing a salad, but putting his bare ass in a salad bowl in catering. The Tesla guys also say Tracii has a habit of pulling his pants down and pulling on his thing. Remind me never to shake hands with Tracii Guns.

This story originated from Metal Sludge! It was mentioned in Tracii Guns’ first interview with us. It was question #11.

11. What is the sickest thing you’ve ever done to a female or male groupie?

Tracii: I sat in the salad backstage at a recent show and watched people eat it. I think I have it on video.

Jizzy Pearl comments on this one on his message board: I just heard that Tracii Gunns related the ‘salad’ story on 100 most metal moments. I can attest to it because I was there. We were playing the City nightclub in NY and there were a bunch of ‘nu metal’ kids opening up that thought they were just too cool for us. we were all congretating in this big room with a huge bowl of salad and other shit when I suggested to Tracii that he sit in the salad to fuck with these too-cool NY dudes and their girlfriends. He obliged and you should have seen their faces when Tracii popped up with bits of lettuce and red cabbage stuck to his ass. I also met Ivana Trump that night but did not get any…

Well at least Jizzy semi-contributed to a metal moment.

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