Random Thoughts on VH1's 100 Most Metal Moments, 6/6/04

 

57 – Metal In A Centerfold

About Kip Winger and Peter Steele being in Playgirl. The great thing about this is they totally didn’t mention Jesse James Dupree from Jackyl, who also posed in Playgirl. That’s good because the quicker Jackyl is forgotten, the better we all are.

56 – Slave To The Metal

About “Slave To The Grind” being the first metal record to debut on the Billboard Top 200 as #1. Sebitchian talks about it but doesn’t really say anything too stupid, nor does he slap his knee. At least he didn’t mention that they sold “22 million records.”

55 – Every Ex Has His Porn

The Bret and Pam porn! Their porn was probably the worst one of the celebrity videos that came out. It wasn’t “produced” that well, just like Poison’s last CD. By the way, why is Bret being interviewed in a fake plane?

54 – Damn Skippy

About Gene Simmons and Ozzy Osbourne being in the 80’s horror movie “Trick Or Treat.” It had Skippy from “Family Ties” so how it didn’t become huge I’ll never know! (Sarcam mode turned off)

I don’t really think this is a metal moment. More a “horrible movie moment” maybe. I actually never saw this though so I’ll have to rent it. Looks like it’s good for a laugh! Bad 80’s movies rule.

Before the commercial break they ask the question, “What is the least metal moment?”

Tesla says when Bon Jovi and Metallica cut off their hair.

Don Dokken says when Jethro Tull won the Grammy. Scott Ian says Jethro Tull winning the Grammy was a great metal moment because it shows you how stupid people are.

53 – Absinthe-minded

About Motorhead’s Mickey D getting fucked up on Absinthe. An ok story. I’m sure Motorhead have better stories though.

52 – Firestarter

Nikki Sixx lighting himself on fire on stage. We’ve all heard this story before. If you haven’t, then you’re not a Metal Sludge Certified Metal Expert then.

51 – Master Of Plaster

About Cynthia “Plaster Caster.” The original Donna Anderson. She didn’t make a chart, she actually took plaster molds of rock stars dicks. It’s kind of a hands-on version of the Penis Chart, if you will.

Doug Benson, the marijuana guy, is annoying as fuck. If people don’t want kids to smoke pot, just let this guy talk and it’ll scare kids away from pot.

50 – Metal Revival

This is about Dave Grohl’s “Probot,” which is his metal tribute project. I keep meaning to review this CD but I haven’t gotten around to it yet. It’s cool, I give him props for showing his metal roots.

49 – Steamer Of The Gods

John Bonham taking a shit in a groupie’s shoe. Eh, I don’t know about this. Wrestlers have been taking shits in each other’s bags for years!

48 – In The Garden Of Inebriation

Another one that I’m not too sure about, simply because it’s about Iron Butterfly and their song “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” in 1968. It was originally supposed to be “In The Garden Of Eden” but the singer was so fucked up it ended up being “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.” Cool story I guess but too hippyish for me.

47 – Lars Attacks

About Lars going after Napster. We’ve all discussed this a million times and I have no desire to comment on it anymore. Though Phil Lewis admits he downloaded music! Of couse he doesn’t do it anymore.

46 – Headbanger Smackdown

About Riki Rachtman and Dave Mustaine’s little feud they had on Headbanger’s Ball. I never really thought it was that big of a deal but shit talking is shit talking so I’m all for the drama.

45 – From Norway With Love

More Norwegian death metal! This time it’s about Gorgoroth, and who hasn’t heard of Gorgoroth? These fun loving fellows slaughtered sheeps and did mock crucifixions during their show in Poland. The Pope got all pissed off and shit. Big deal.

Mark, the METAL EXPERT, says he gets scared just looking at them. If he gets scared at looking at Gorgoroth, then never show him a picture of Pretty Boy Floyd or he’ll go into shock.

44 – F-F-F-Fire

Joe Elliot’s arms caught fire after lasers exploded on them during the shooting of the “Foolin” video. Don Dokken says it’s not that big of deal and that everybody in rock ‘n’ roll has had his hair burned by flashpots. Maybe that explains why Don is lacking so much hair.

43 – Wild World Of Wendy

This is about the stunts Wendy did in her 1984 video “It’s My Life.” Don Dokken says she had great knockers. So far Don has commented on tits and said that you can rub his crotch for $5. Remind me to keep the ones I love far away from Don Dokken.

Gene Simmons says Wendy was the real deal. Fuck yeah she was since she eventually killed herself. Can’t get more hardcore then killing yourself!

42 – I’m Your Dad, Dumbass

About Beavis & Butthead finding out their dads were Motley Crue roadies. David Letterman actually did the voice of Butthead’s dad. Cool. I occasionally miss these guys. They were nice kids.

41 – Heavy Metal Makeover

About Anthrax destroying a house. Headbanger’s Ball had a contest and the winner had Anthrax show up and thrash their house. I love the shot of Scott Ian sawing away at the house. Wonder what ever happend to this family? From destroying the house they then go and talk about Anthrax appearing on “Married With Children.” That was a good episode too, until Charlie Benante complained that he couldn’t find any Anthrax CDs in the Bundy household.

40 – Ace: The Final Frontier

About Ace Frehley thinking he was abducted by aliens. He actually said on Eddie Trunk’s radio show in 2002 that an aliens landed in his backyard. Ace says he woke up the floor or some shit. John, the glam METAL EXPERT, says this fits with classic alien abductions because the person can’t remember how they got to one place for another. Loss of time is no delusion he says!

No, it’s called DRINKING TOO FUCKING MUCH! Holy fuck, is this hard to figure out? There have been many times in my life where I woke up somewhere and I don’t remember how I got there, but that doesn’t mean I was fucking abducted by aliens. It means I drank too much vodka! Or it’s called doing too many drugs! And just because you pass out doesn’t mean you don’t dream. Seriously, that’s what it is. You blackout, pass out somewhere, dream, and next thing you know you’re thinking you’re hanging out with E.T. Sorry folks, that’s what it is.

Sebitchian says he believes Ace though! He says he believes in aliens. I do too…illegal aliens. They’re all over Southern California.

Gene Simmons says you have to put things in perspective. Ace still believes that Elvis is still alive, Hitler is still alive, and that the CIA is after him. Ace is another good example for the youth of today to stay away from drugs and alcohol!

39 – Motley Ewww

About Nikki and Tommy having a bet during the Dr. Feelgood tour about who could go the longest without showering and still fuck chicks. Nikki won. Strangely, you never heard about female bands doing this sort of thing. I think Vixen would have been much bigger had they done more of this type of stuff.

38 – The Whizzard Of Ozz

Ozzy pissing on the Alamo. We all know this story. I like the old interview they do with Ozzy when he’s in the coffin.

37 – Shooting From The Hip

About W.A.S.P. and Blackie Lawless’ flaming cod piece. One time it exploded on him and set his legs on fire. He said afterwards, “if we wrote better songs we wouldn’t have to do crap like this.” That’s probably one of the most honest things Blackie has ever said.

36 – Sinister Minister

About Marilyn Manson being a minister in the Church Of Satan. Blackie Lawless says Marilyn is far more clever than people think. Of course, it’s all an act, just like what Blackie was doing. It’s a gimmick. Big deal.

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