Random Thoughts on VH1's 100 Most Metal Moments, 6/6/04

 

14 – 4,600 Served

Gene Simmons says he banged 4,600 different girls. Erik Turner says, “46 million dollars and 46 hundred girls. Not a bad life.” They go to Mini-Kiss, who look hilarious but they have absolutely nothing interesting to say.

Sebitchian says, “If I was a chick, can you leave the makeup on, just for me.” And then he laughs, of course. He says, “That would be an experience. Fuck Gene, what are you doing?” acting as if he wants to fuck Gene too. You know, why aren’t I surprised at that statement?

Gene says at the end, “I don’t care if you are better looking than me, by the end of the night I will get your girlfriend.” Sure Grandpa, whatever you say.

13 – Eruption…

About George Lynch doing his solo on top of a live volcano in Hawaii for the video “Just Got Lucky.” George’s boots were actually melting and 25 minutes after they stopped filming, the volcano erupted. Not much to say on this one.

12 – Appetite For Destruction

Axl and his temper tantrums. This one deals with the St. Louis riot. He’s such a fucking bitch. He really doesn’t deserve to be allowed to be on stage.

11 – Hard Drive Honeys

Another Poison groupie story. This time about them putting in various groupies into a computer so when they hit a city, they’d know what chicks to look up. This happened back in the late 80s. These guys were always using technology to help them get laid. I don’t know why this is #11 and the video camera thing is #98, but what do I know? I think this is the only time you can say Poison was ahead of it’s time. You have to respect them for that.

10 – Return Of The Thunder God

About Rick Allen losing his arm. That really sucked for him because it meant he could only beat women with one arm then!

Oh yeah, like I’m a dick for saying that. He gets arrested for domestic violence but I’m a dick for saying it. Please.

9 – Fish ‘N’ Chicks

This has to do with the Led Zeppelin Mudshark story which occurred at the Edgewater Hotel in Seattle. You can fish right out your hotel window and supposedly they caught a mudshark and then fucked a groupie with it. That’s the story anyway. The band actually says they don’t remember. Their tour manager says it was a red snapper, not a mudshark. I

8 – Battle Of The Bulges

This is about that stupid website Metal Sludge. This should be good!

It basically revolves around Donna’s Penis Chart. Tawny Kitaen says, “It’s a dot com I wish I had actually gone onto before I married David Coverdale.” Phil Lewis says, “It’s not bad, I got quite a good writeup.” Brent Muscat comments on his review too.

Riki Rachtman says, “The first time I came in contact with Metal Sludge and read things about me…and lucky the sex part, which I really didn’t write myself, was like fairly complimentary so that part felt good.” Sounded like Riki had more to say too so I wonder what that was. Somebody at VH-1 needs to send us the raw footage of where everybody is talking about us!

Brent Muscat mentions that Donna’s Chart says Sebastian is very well endowed, and why Brent remembers what Donna said about Bach I don’t know, but I’ll just assume he’s such a fan he remembers everything we write.

Then this is the best part! This couldn’t have gone better had we actually been part of the VH-1 crew that was filming this. They actually go to Sebastian and he looks totally defeated and says, “Uh, I’m not going to get into that.” There’s no laughing or knee slapping now! Everything isn’t so funny anymore, is it Mr. Funny Pants? I’d almost pay to see the raw footage of this. He can’t avoid Metal Sludge no matter where he goes. But the thing is, it was one of the few positive things said about him on our page. The chart says he’s got a big cock, so that’s something to be happy about. At least they didn’t ask him, “why did you blow off a fan in a wheelchair” or “Thrown any bottles at anybody lately?”

Dee Snider says, “The site made metal history,” and Brent follows up by saying, “Metal Sludge and the internet definitely changed the way bands tour, nowadays. Now you ask a girl if she has an email address, and she says yes, then you run the other way.”

All in all a great little segment and we ended up getting something like 5,000 hits in 30 minutes each time it aired on both costs! And the great thing about this is VH-1 airs stuff forever so this will always be around. You can relive Sebitchian uncomfortableness forever!

And that wraps up VH-1’s “100 Metal Moments!” Thanks for reading and…….uh, wait, I guess there are a few more to go over. I thought the show was done with us. Ok, I’ll finish up these last few.

7 – Gross vs. Grosser

The Ozzy vs. Nikki contest, where Ozzy snorts ants and then Nikki tries to out gross him by pissing and going to lick up his own piss, but Ozzy pushes Nikki out of the way and licks up Nikki’s piss. That’s a hard one to beat.

FYI: Now it’s Tracii Guns who licks up Nikki’s piss.

I kid, I kid.

6 – Hellbent For Leather Boys

What? Rob Halford is gay? Huh? When did this happen? I’m always the last to know.

This is about Rob Halford coming out as gay. That never bothered me, though seeing him walk in a gay day parade is a little weird. Donna Anderson sucks cock too and where is her parade?

5 – Tap Into Metal

About the movie Spinal Tap. You can also see Spinal Tap on tour this Summer. I think it’s billed as the Rock Never Stops Tour.

4 – The Debaunchery Code

Motley Crue’s “The Dirt” being released. This was a good fucking book. Sebitchian says, “The Dirt is one of the greatest books ever written by humans.” Last time I checked, only humans wrote books. Haven’t read too many books written by monkeys or cats. Maybe I’m not looking hard enough. He also says, “The Bible is a good book but The Dirt is right up there.” The Sebastian reads from it, and laughs. Good to see he got his sense of humor back after #8.

I almost don’t want to see “The Dirt” be made into a movie because I don’t think they’ll cast it right. I think they should just get 4 unknowns so while you’re watching the movie you’re not going, “Hey, it’s Ashton Kutcher pretending to be Tommy Lee.” That would be a very nonmetal moment.

3 – Devil Horns Salute

About Dio originating the Metal Horns! Ronnie says Dio’s Grandma is behind the horns. It supposed to protect you from evil, or if you point the horns directly at somebody, it’s supposed to send evil. Of course Gene Simmons says he invented it on the cover of “Love Gun” and I’m surprised he hasn’t tried to patent the metal horns so he can make a buck off them.

2 – Fingers Of Fury

About Tony Iommi losing the tips of two of his fingertips. He had to wear two little caps over his fingertips so he could play. It’s the reason why Black Sabbath sounded like they do since they had to tune down because he had to lessen the tension, which gave Sabbath a more doomy sound. Just goes to show you everything happens for a reason!

1 – Will Solo For Food

Number 1 is Hear ‘N’ Aid. A take off of We Are The World with a ton of metal guys singing and soloing. This was back in 1985. They released a single called “STARS” and the song was like 8 minutes long. Ronnie James Dio was in charge of it all. The thing I was always amazed about this was that all their egos fit into one room! You had Kevin DuBrow, all of Dokken, Vince Neil, Queensryche, Bon Jovi, and everybody else who was cool at the time. That’s a lot of fucking egos!

Makes us think we should put together the Top 20 Most Metal Sludge moments we’ve had on our page. That would require work though, but maybe we’ll put something together in time for our 7th Anniversary.

I’m out like Jizzy Pearl being in the Top 100,

OZZY STILLBOURNE