20 Questions with A. Product, 11/2/04

 

20 QUESTIONS WITH…

Rock ‘n’ Roll Party presidential candidate A. PRODUCT!

A few weeks ago, we posted a SludgeWire in which we commented on a rather bizarre press release we got. It was something about AntiProduct frontman A. Product running his own presidential campaign from the U.K. Some of us thought it was a work of satirical comic brillance. Some of us felt it was a desperate cry for attention on the part of AntiProduct. And a good number of the Metal Sludge staff could have cared less either way.

Well, with today being Election Day in the United States, we felt it would be a good time to hit up A. Product with some questions and see what in the hell this was all about. Just who is A. Product and why is he running for president? Read on and find out for yourself!

1. Who are you again?

Well, this time I’m not who I was but who I am then. Once again I was the other one whom I could have been now but not any longer. Now I am your next President. Thanks for asking. You may get up.

2. You?re running as a ?president in exile? candidate. What exactly does that mean and how is it that you became ?exiled? in the first place?

I would love to discuss this topic further at great length but unfortunately due to certain constraints of mitigating lawsuits and binge drinking, I can no longer mention this subject…ever in my life. I’m against terrorism though!

3. We?ve all heard of rock ?n roll parties, but never of ?The Rock ?N? Roll Party? as a political coalition. What?s the history of your party and what ideologies does it embrace and represent?

That doesn’t surprise me. We are the Rock ‘N’ Roll Party, a concerned body of citizens intent on making the world a weirder place. Our motto is “Stupidity is the New Black” and we’re not that far removed from the Dadaists of ancient time.

4. What?s your position on the following issues:

Legalization of same-sex marriage = Sure, why not. Make bottled AIDS avaialble for those of us for whom smoking isn’t quite dangerous enough for any more. Plus, we love them Lezza shots. Pass the beer…
Decriminalization of marijuana = Duhh…
Homeland Security and The War on Terror = I’m really not for terrorism, no siree.
Over taxation of the middle class = I say take out the subtlety and call it Pay To Live. You wanna breathe government air, it’s gonna cost you. Half your income, period, including all the newly liscensed beggars and homeless.
Nuclear proliferation in North Korea and Iran = Bomb ‘em first, let the press worry about the details. That’s why we pay ‘em.
Welfare, Medicare and Social Security reform = Oh boy, I can’t say how much I agree with you there.
Protection of medical professionals from frivolous lawsuits = Libelous catsuits? Definately against terrorism though, fer sure…ALOT!
Allowing Americans to purchase cheap Canadian pharmaceuticals = I’m familiar with pharmaceuticals but what is Canadian? Oh, I’m definately for getting tough on crime, too. Yea, seriously.
Capital punishment = Yea, but we have to get all the small towns too and “liberate” them and all that shit.
People talking on cellphones while driving = We are missing a brilliant money making opportunity here and part of my financial reform plan involves a set of ticketable offences for misuse of cellphones. Women caught attempting to make right hand turns while speaking on the phone will have their children tortured before their very eyes, plus a fine of $100 and 10 points on your mobile phone record. The loud talking in restaurants one? $25 and you CAN MAKE CITIZENS ARRESTS and keep 20%. (You’re thinking “Hmmm, I just might vote for A. Product of the Rock ‘N’ Roll Party for President after all. He’s starting to make sense.”)

5. What the hell are you going to try to do to win over the voters in those battleground ?swing? states, like Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, and (*gasp*) Florida?

Hot campaign “workers” offering oral sex, of course. Specifically designed, plastic trailer home furnishings for Florida though.

A. Product debates that senator guy from Massachusetts

6. Violence continues to plague many American communities, including domestic violence, child abuse, and gang violence. What are the 3 most important things you would do to improve community safety for children and families?

1. Torture of the criminals families as punishment, as dicated obove Let’s see what people’s priorities really are once and for all.
2. Denying any culpability for the misfortunes of people who are continually and systematically becoming the direct debiting paper pushers for a series of money vacuuming corporations making sure that we are all getting fucked continuously with no recourse other than accepting another fisting we never asked to buy but seem to be ever increasingly paying for.
3. No comment but we have a very determined stand against poverty and the environment.

7. The flu season is upon us, and there just happens to be a drastic shortage of flu shots in America this year. This is mainly due to a large batch of the flu vaccine becoming contaminated before it could be distributed throughout the United States. This contamination reputedly occurred where the vaccine was being produced, which just happened to be in England of all places. Now, the UK is known more for rampant cases of Mad Cow Disease and flesh-eating viruses than for developing cutting-edge biologics and preventative medicines. So, if elected president, what would you do to ensure that future batches of the flu vaccine would never again be contaminated by the British?

Blah, blah, blah. Oh sorry, what? Yes, when elected, we will send you all the mad UK cows we can shoot.

8. Of the following, which do you prefer and why?

Dick Cheney or John Edwards = Dick because his parents knew when they named him.
Teresa Heinz Kerry or Laura Bush = He said Bush …heh, heh…
Karl Marx or Leon Trotsky = Oh, well, look at me, Mr. Fancy Pants-I-read a book in college once. Fuck off, you pretentious cunt. (crowd goes wild)
The Libertarians or the Greens = The Libertarians are all a bunch of NME fabricated wish we weren’t so tragic hype comedy. I like the Greens first coupla records but, and this is just my opinion, but from “Saving Private Whales,” I think they sold-out. I’m all for families, though.
Punch-tickets or electronic balloting = I don’t know. We should have a vote.
Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson = Don’t go there, babe.
The FBI or the CIA = Yea, like I’m gonna tell you. Just who sent you anyway?
The American Nazi Party or the Ku Klux Klan = Why, what have you heard?
Jacques Chirac or Tony Blair = Who cares? Who cares, really? “McPresidents” I like to call ‘em.
Throwing up in the Thames or barfing in the Potomac = I thought this was meant to be a serious political forum and not just some other cheap and in-vain publicity stunt to get coverage for my band AntiProduct on www.antiproduct.com.

9. How can you expect to run a campaign from the other side of the globe, yet still have Americans residing in the continental U.S.A. take you seriously?

How can you expect me to take continental Americans seriously while watching you run from the other side of the globe? It’s a circular question with elongated angles.

10. How do you plan to resolve the conflict in Iraq? Some people think the situation there is spiraling out of control and is devolving to absolute anarchy. Surely you must have a solution in mind! Let?s hear it.

Blow ‘em all up. Take out the guess work. We need to get cellphones in these people’s hands as soon as possible so we can make the Cell Phones Give You Cancer But You Kinda Knew It Anyway Announcement pronto.

11. What political figure deserves a smack in the mouth and why?

Sorry, but that would take too long and as well, there are a further series of lawsuits we are being looked into that would disclose me further and thither once. I’m sure you’ll understand.

12. Don?t you think it?s time to lift the embargo and trade sanctions that have been levied all these years against Cuba? They?re not that big of a country, they gave back all their missles to Russia, and Fidel Castro is an older-than-dirt geriatric. Really, how much of a threat can they be? Plus they make good cigars! Shouldn?t we give them a break? Please share your thoughts with us on this topic.

Yea, sure. We could get ‘em all working a dish washers or something.

13. Henry Kissinger once said, ?Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There?s too much fraternizing with the enemy.? Based on this very notion, how do you plan to answer to the call of women who desire more gender equality, especially in regards to salary levels and equal opportunity in the workplace?

Chicks, huh? Can’t live with ‘em and can’t get in too much trouble when ya get busted for screwing ‘em with toys (and, seriously, visa vis my esteemed collegue Bill Clinton, that was some hot ass shit my brutha was taping. Am I shitting you? I think not.) if you’re the President ‘em.

14. Yes or No, has Rock ?N Roll Party candidate A. Product ever:

Molested an intern = Yes. It’s part of the Poltician contract you sign.
Punched a lobbyist = No but we’ve launched a publicist.
Received a death threat = Another part of the Politician contract you must fulfill.
Been invited to Camp David = No, but they’re just intimidated by me.
Performed an acapella rendition of Alice Cooper?s ?Elected? = Yea, we were naked, too, except for our socks.
Played a game of Risk with Vladimir Putin and Horst Köhler = Wow, that’s weird that you knew.
Stood on a real soap box = Only alone at home.
Forgotten to mind the gap = yea, mind the gap, plough the field, sink the pink torpedo, slice the beef curtain, you name it, baby cakes.
Been mistaken for Alex Kane, former guitarist of Life Sex & Death = He’s too good looking and sexy but I see the similarity. If only, though, huh…?
Been shot at = Yes, but no one’s won yet.

15. Each elected president, upon moving into the White House, is permitted to redecorate the premises. If by some strange miracle you are indeed elected president, what new d?cor would you bestow upon your new residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue?

I will make 1600 Pensylvania Avenue make Graceland look subtle and understated by comparison when elected. I will also make every room in the Whitehouse have it’s own built in pyro, smoke and light show in case anyone feels the need to jam some air guitar while sleeping over. I’ll also get Coca Cola put in all the water fountains.

16. For what amount was the largest campaign contribution you?ve received, and what did you do with the funds?

?18.25. Bought some weed.

17. A hypothetical situation: Pretend that, by some asinine miracle, you?re actually elected president. So you?re in your first week of office when suddenly your chiefs-of-staff inform you that forces from the Chinese mainland are attacking Taiwan, North Korea is attacking South Korea, and West Virginia is trying to take over Virginia proper. As commander-in-chief, in what priority would you rate these multiple threats, and how would you delegate the appropriate responses to each of these scenarios? Play along and give us a good answer.

I’ll give you a good answer. Send Eddie Jackson to bore them to death.

18. Do you really think anyone?s actually going to waste their vote on you?

No, I think everyone will waste their vote on someone else.

19. Isn?t this all just some kind of blatant, desperate attempt to attract attention to yourself so that your band, AntiProduct, can get some sorely-needed press by a media that loves to ignore you?

More importantly, are you implying then that you represent the same interests as those media to which you refer? Ah ha! Gothca there… bwahahahahaha.

20. Time for Metal Sludge?s Political Word Association. We mention a name, and you give us your thoughts.

Ted Nugent = too left wing.
Ralph Nader = He was cool until Jedi, but from Clones on it’s been a bit meager.
Kory Clarke = Napolean with stage presence. (Note To Self: Potential Cabinet Member)
Michael Moore = He loves Cheap Trick so he’s cool with me. Nu-Orson Welles?
John Kerry = Herman Munster. Presidient, should I not win.
Bill Maher = No Bill Hicks
Arnold Schwarzenegger = Ronald Reagan
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, the former Iraqi Information Minister = No Marilyn Manson when it comes to spin.
George W. Bush = Ex-President
Hillary Clinton = MILF

The previous was a paid political announcement by the People for A. Product for President.

Well, that was, uh, weird.

Some of you may feel more informed about a candidate you didn’t even know about, while others might feel stupider for having read all that. But either way, we’re all about helping our Sludgeaholics to make informed choices. It is Election Day after all, so those of you lucky enough to be U.S. citizens will probably be turning out to cast your ballot at some point today. And now you have another option at the polls! Aren’t you glad you knew that? See? We’re here to help.

So don’t forget to vote! Otherwise, you might actually end up with A. Product as the next U.S. President, and you’ll only have yourself to blame.

And don’t send us hate mail saying “Hey! You fuckers already did 20 Questions with Alex Kane 2 years ago!” Yeah, yeah, we know. But that was Alex Kane, and this was A. Product. What’s the difference? Fucked if we know, but lighten up a bit. We’ll go back to doing real 20 Questions with random washed-up rock stars again next week, so until then, try to play along at home.

For more information on A. Product and this silly campaign thing he’s doing, please visit AntiProduct’s lovely Web site at www.antiproduct.com.

Oh, we almost forgot, but we’re also supposed to credit “all photos and image treatment Knight Digital Arts,” so there’s their fucking link.