Dungeon of Filth #1, 5/23/05

I know some of you have been waiting for my Random Thoughts On Metallica’s Icon show, so thanks a fucking lot for putting pressure on me and making me feel obligated to do this! Assholes.

So yes, I taped the show and just got around to watching it. I’m not going to say that this is a good post because of what I’m working with. You can’t polish a turd, as they say. I’ll do what I can though to make this entertaining. I’ll start off by saying this show really isn’t for the hardcore Metallica fans who know everything, it’s more for the people who watch MTV now, since those kids really aren’t up on their metal or Metallica.

It starts off with Sum 41 playing “For Whom The Bell Tolls.” Dave Brownsound isn’t wearing his Metal Sludge shirt that he bought so right there I know their performance isn’t going to be as good as it should be. During their performance, the faces of each member of Metallica pop up on a screen ala Brady Bunch style, except for some reason they put up Carlos Santana’s picture. Oh wait, that’s just Kirk. Nevermind. Lars has blonde hair now which makes him look like more of a poser than he was before, if that’s possible.

Sum 41 goes into “Enter Sandman” and Metallica makes their way through the crowd to their seats. Their new bass player Robert Trujillo scares me. If I heard a knock at the door and looked out and saw him standing there, I’d call 911.

Sum 41 finishes with a bit of “Master Of Puppets” and then they go off to probably break shit backstage and gang bang Avril Lavigne. They sounded decent enough.

The opening credits of the show are next and it shows some people arriving, such as Kelly Osbourne. She’s starting to look like Anna Nicole Smith. Good for her.

The first person introduced to come out is Lisa Marie Presley. WTF? Of all the people they could have had, why her? Because she has a new CD out? So fucking what. She wouldn’t know the difference between “Damage Inc” and “Nothing Else Matters.” When people like this are a part of the show, it just makes it more of a joke. Her introduction is just as poor as her music and she introduces the first video package.

They go into the Metallica story about Jason quitting the band and James going into rehab. Good stuff, I guess. Kirk says he got really emotional and starting crying when Jason left. Really? Who would have guessed Kirk would be the emotional one? (sarcasm mode turned off) Nothing really to bitch about during this.

Commercial break.

Hey, a commercial for Headbanger’s Ball on MTV2! Too bad I don’t get MTV2. Sucks for me, yet come to think of it, maybe it doesn’t.

After the commercials, we have Staind doing “Nothing Else Matters” acoustically. Figures. Can Aaron Lewis being any more depressed? Does he even have teeth? Has anybody ever seen this guy smile? Fuck, somebody give this guy a hug. I know you’re bald and all, but it’s not that bad dude. You’re a millionaire, be happy and buy some nice clothes. Plus playing this song acoustically is a given. They should have done something a little more unique.

Metallica story part 2 is next. Another decent segment.

The next introduction comes from Shannon Elizabeth. Well of course. When I think of Metallica, I think of Shannon Elizabeth. (sarcasm mode turned off) She says she’s here to represent female Metallica fans and female rock, or some shit like that. I wasn’t really paying attention. Did MTV go, “Hey, who can we get to introduce bands that have no business here and really no career?” Couldn’t somebody have dusted off Lita Ford or something for this? That would have made more sense. Anyway, she introduces Avril Lavigne, fresh from her gang bang with Sum 41, who does “Fuel.”

Fun Fact: She was about 1 when “Master Of Puppets” came out.

I am completely underwhelmed by her stage presence. She makes Stephen Pearcy look like David Lee Roth. I think she just said “Fuck” though. They just showed Lars and I can see his head getting bigger by the second. As if his ego needed to be any bigger. He’s also air drumming. He probably keeps better time that way. Her band doesn’t sound too bad though. They’re doing it justice. Better than I thought simply cause I wasn’t expecting anything. The other day I heard that Avril said she was never influenced by Metallica and just started listening to them. That’s always good to have an artist pay tribute to somebody who was never an influence to them. That’s good ole’ MTV logic for ya.

Commercial.

The Donnas are doing some commercial for surfing. Oh, it’s a new MTV show about girls who surf. Who thinks up this shit? Does somebody sit in a boardroom and go, “You know what we need to get ratings? A show on chicks who surf! That’ll bring in the ratings.” I think it’s more like they sit around and go, “What can we air that will really confuse people and make no sense?”

After the break, I hear what sounds like the beginning of Tuff’s “American Hairband.” Or is that Kid Rock’s “American Badass?” I’m wrong, it’s Metallica’s “Sad But True.” I forgot that Metallica actually wrote that riff and everybody else just ripped it off. Silly me.

Snoop Dogg then TALKS “Sad But True.” I said talk because it’s not even rapping. This is obviously the humor portion of the show. He just talks the first verse and then that’s basically it. I don’t have a problem with Snoop though. He likes bitches and ho’s and would probably throw a damn good party, so I’m down.

Rob Zombie and Jolene Blalock come out next and I think they were smoking something with Snoop Dogg after hearing what they say. Jolene says “In the mid-80s, sandwiched between bands like Ratt & Poison emerged a band who dared not to wear makeup.” Yeah, Metallica waited until the mid-90s before they wore makeup and got trendy haircuts. Rob Zombie says, “Think back to a time before Metallica. Everything sucked. Everybody was a pretty boy. Things were desperate. Everybody had teased hair, spandex, it was horrible. But then one band came along. Four regular guys, T-shirts, jeans….” blah blah blah. Sorry Rob, I think you went to the Sebastian Bach School Of Misinformation. Metallica started in 1981, before Poison, Ratt, and the entire hair band thing took off. It’s not like Metallica came along and wiped out the hairbands or were even an answer to the hairbands. I think that band was called Nirvana. Anyway, they introduce a look back at Metallica.

Lars says Metallica was the “anti-Motley Crue.” Lars never misses a chance to diss Motley. The segment briefly goes over the history of Metallica and it’s good for the people who have no clue.

Chester from Linkin Park and Travis from Blink 182 are up next. Chester looks like a skinny Mike Fasano. Wonder if Chester enjoys “upper decking” like Fasano? Chester says that Metallica is “an important and meaningful band.” Wow. Thanks for the newsflash, Chester. We would have never guessed that. (Sarcasm mode turned off). They introduce Korn who butcher “One.”

Jonathan Davis’ voice sounds weaker than Kelly Osbourne’s album sales. I was expecting more from Korn. They only play half of “One” which is a blessing since they sounded like shit. No wonder Korn doesn’t play on TV. Very lame.

Commercial.

After that, huge Metallica freak Michelle Branch (sarcasm) comes out and introduces a 4 Marines back from Iraq. One Marine talks about how music was motivating to them and then Michelle introduces a segment on the making of the Black album. It’s all the footage they’ve already released and we’ve it all seen before. Lars says he can piss off James Hetfield in 5 seconds flat. That’s about 3 seconds more than the rest of us.

As if Korn’s performance wasn’t enough comedy, Jim Breuer comes out and goofs on Metallica for a bit. He does a James Hetfield impersonation and his Lars impersonation is good. He then has his band do a rendition of Metallica performing “If You’re Happy And You Know It.” Gay. This is what’s called a “time killer.” Here’s a suggestion, if you’re going to try and do comedy, make sure it’s funny. Thanks.

Iann Robison comes out, minus a Sludge shirt, along with Jillian Barberie. She looks like Janine. They say a few words and then introduce a bunch of trailer park residents, uh, I mean fans, who are asked to give one word that sums up their love for Metallica. How gay is this? I feel sorry for Iann because I think MTV makes him do stupid shit just to fuck with him. The fans say stuff like passion, power, sinful, aggression, rebellion, orgasmic, energetic, medicine, gods, greedy, sue happy, sell outs…..oops, I got carried away there towards the end. Sorry.

So far we’ve had soldiers out on stage, a lame comedy routine, and fans on stage saying why they like Metallica. What riveting television.

Right after the fans talk, Limp Bizkit now perform. Now come on, right after Iann Robinson talks they have Limp Bizkit perform? Like MTV didn’t set this up. Everybody knows Iann Robinson hates Fred Durst. Maybe they were hoping for Iann to run out on stage and power bomb Durst through the stage. Unfortunately it appears that isn’t going to happen. Dammit Iann, you missed your chance! Maybe next time.

Limp Nutz perform part of “Welcome Home (Sanitarium).” Actually, they sound better than Korn right now. At least they made the song their own, which I think you should do if you’re going to cover a song. At least make it interesting. They cut to Kirk watching and he looks constipated. Fred Durst will do that to a person. I hate to say it but that was probably the best performance so far, though that’s not saying much.

Wes Scatlin comes out looking like Ted Nugent in cameo and sunglasses. He introduces the next segment on the new album, “St. Anger.” Jason Newsted says we need to root for Metallica and he’ll be up front cheering them on. That’s probably because if Jason wants to see Metallica he’s going to have to buy a ticket like everyone else.

Now we have Saddam Hussien’s friend Sean Penn introducing Metallica. He talks like he’s fucking stoned. Metallica take the stage and do a medley of “Hit The Lights,” “Enter Sandman,” “Blackened,” “Creeping Death,” and “Battery.” I was waiting for Trujillo to do Jason’s “Motherfucker” during “Creeping Death” but of course he didn’t do that. James does say “motherfucker” though in the verse and it didn’t get beeped, so I can appreciate that.

James says a few words and then they go into the new song “Frantic.” This is the part of the show everybody has been waiting for. Wait a minute, they just started running the credits. Don’t tell me they’re going to cut away during the new song everybody wants to hear. So far the song sounds cool. Holy fuck, they did cut away!! The show ends and you only hear about 2 minutes of the new song, if that. Metallica probably wanted it that way. Fuckers. Is it illegal to play an entire song on MTV anymore?

My summary is basically if you missed the show, you didn’t miss much. It could have been a lot better of course, but at least it was metal on MTV. When was the last time you heard a song like “Blackened” performed on MTV? I’m not saying that MTV is all of a sudden great, but at least it was something, even if it was half assed. Better than nothing, I suppose. Same thing with Headbangers Ball coming back to MTV2 this weekend. Some people are going to bitch about what they play, but people bitched about that stuff back in the day too. Just be happy that they’re playing anything remotely metal. Maybe eventually we can get a Metal Sludge Video Of The Week onto the show to really kick ass (hint, hint)!!!

I’m out like Lars’ hairline,

OZZY STILLBOURNE