Metal Sludge The Power and the Glory
METAL SLUDGE CHRISTMAS SONGS!
Merry Sludgemas!
In honor of Christmas, one of the old skool staff original Metal Sludge writers C.C. Van Sixx has dropped in with 3 Christmas songs. What you need to do now is play the original songs but sing the new lyrics we have here. You’ll see that they are a perfect fit.
The 12 Days of Sludgemas
(as sung to the "Twelve Days of Christmas")
The first day of Sludgemas my true love sent to me
One Vince Neil singing out of key
The second day of Sludgemas my true love sent to me
Two Sludgettes
And One Vince Neil singing out of key
The third day of Sludgemas my true love sent to me
Three of RATT are missing
Two Sludgettes
And One Vince Neil singing out of key
The fourth day of Sludgemas my true love sent to me
Four metal heads moshing
Three of RATT are missing
Two Sludgettes
And One Vince Neil singing out of key
The fifth day of Sludgemas my true love sent to me
Five balding singers
Four metal heads moshing
Three of RATT are missing
Two Sludgettes
And One Vince Neil singing out of key
The sixth day of Sludgemas my true love sent to me
Six KISS coffins
Five balding singers
Four metal heads moshing
Three of RATT are missing
Two Sludgettes
And One Vince Neil singing out of key
The seventh day of Sludgemas my true love sent to me
Seven Sludgeaholic’s
Six KISS coffins
Five balding singers
Four metal heads moshing
Three of RATT are missing
Two Sludgettes
And One Vince Neil singing out of key
The eighth day of Sludgemas my true love sent to me
Eight of Bret’s bandanas
Seven Sludgeaholic’s
Six KISS coffins
Five balding singers
Four metal heads moshing
Three of RATT are missing
Two Sludgettes
And One Vince Neil singing out of key
The ninth day of Sludgemas my true Love sent to me
Nine Poison fans a bitching
Eight of Bret’s bandanas
Seven Sludgeaholic’s
Six KISS coffins
Five balding singers
Four metal heads moshing
Three of RATT are missing
Two Sludgette’s
And One Vince Neil singing out of key
The tenth day of Sludgemas my true love sent to me
Ten Slaughter a eating
Nine Poison fans a bitching
Eight of Bret’s bandanas
Seven Sludgeaholic’s
Six KISS coffins
Five balding singers
Four metal heads moshing
Three of RATT are missing
Two Sludgette’s
And One Vince Neil singing out of key
The eleventh day of Sludgemas my true love sent to me
Eleven Warrant fans a watching
Ten Slaughter fans a eating
Nine Poison fans a bitching
Eight of Bret’s bandanas
Seven Sludgeaholic’s
Six KISS coffins
Five balding singers
Four metal heads moshing
Three of RATT are missing
Two Sludgette’s
And One Vince Neil singing out of key
The twelfth day of Sludgemas my true love sent to me
Twelve Jani Lanes a cooking
Eleven Warrant fans were watching
Ten Slaughter fans kept eating
Nine Poison fans a bitching
Eight of Bret’s bandanas
Seven Sludgeaholic’s
Six KISS coffins
Five balding singers
Four metal heads a moshing
Three of RATT are missing
Two Sludgette’s
And One Vince Neil singing out of key
Lyrics By: C.C. Van Sixx 2004
Metal Sludge(as sung to the tune Jingle Bells)
Metal Sludge, Metal Sludge, Sludging night & day
Oh, what fun it is to laugh at bands that wore hair spray (hey)
Metal Sludge, Metal Sludge, Sludging night & day
Oh, what fun it is to laugh at bands that wore hair spray
Surfing through the web
We expose those hidden lies
Of hair bands at their best
And cut them down to size (ha-ha-ha)
Bastards pig tails spin
When Stillbourne starts to write
Our goal is to bring a smile
To Sludge-a-holics far & wide
Oh, Metal Sludge, Metal Sludge, Sludging night & day
Oh, what fun it is to laugh at bands that wore hair spray (hey)
Metal Sludge, Metal Sludge, Sludging night & day
Oh, what fun it is to laugh at bands that wore hair spray
The rock stars write to us
And then we write them back
Some go on the pussy list
And some have huge nut sacks
The captures are the same
Sludgeaholics near & wide
Some rock stars strike a pose
And then some run & bitch & cry
Oh, Metal Sludge, Metal Sludge, Sludging night & day
Oh, what fun it is to laugh at bands that wore hair spray (hey)
Metal Sludge, Metal Sludge, Sludging night & day
Oh, what fun it is to laugh at bands that wore hair spray
Metal Sludge, Metal Sludge, Sludging all the way
Oh, what fun it is to laugh at bands that wore hair spray.
Lyrics By: C.C. Van Sixx 2002
Jani The Frontman
(as sung to the tune Frosty The Snowman)
Jani the Frontman – was a Down Boy who did GO!
With his bleach blonde hair and a bimbo wife
and two frog eyes drooping low.
Jani the Frontman – is a mess today you’ll see
now the money’s spent and Cherry Pie went
starfucking Tommy Lee.
There must have been a million bucks, in Jani’s bank account.
But Big Talk’s talk, your house is gone, and karma came around.
Jani the Frontman – is a Rancid fan these days
No more pussy songs or leather fringe
It’s a Mohawk all the way.
Jani the Frontman – needs to look into a mirror
He better hit the gym before another chin
And stop with all the beer.
Jani the Frontman – likes to cook at Billy’s club
You’re no Wolfgang Puck or Chef-Boyardee
But look like Vince Neil’s bud!
He led his band down Sunset Strip, and onto Platinum sales
But now he takes the stage, dressed like a punk rock whale.
Jani the Frontman – likes to no-show like a bitch
And I’m happy to say that as of today, you no longer –
Dirty, Rotten, Filthy, Stinking, Rich!
Lyrics Written By: C.C. Van Dixon 2002
Wasn’t that great? Look, you know it’s funny, stop trying to fight it.
Now we’ll end this Christmas post with our classic "Twas The Night Before Christmas" which we put up way back in 1998. Gerri Miller had just been fired from Metal Edge and being in the holiday spirit, Taime "Sex" Slaughter thought he’d dedicate this Holiday Classic to her!
Twas The Night Before Christmas
at Scary Gerri Miller’s House
by Taime "Sex" Slaughter
Twas the night B4 X-mas as I sat here alone
nothing was ringing not even my phone
I looked out my window to see all the clatter
It was Vince from Motley, he looked even fatter
Dressed in a Santa suit full of cookies & beer
I said hey Dr. Feelgood, what have we here?
As I opened my eyes a little bit wider
I noticed he was drinking some very strong cider
More vodka and whisky and bottles of beer
I said hey Vince where are the Reindeer?
He pointed at the roof top covered with snow
It was Nikki, Randy & Mick doing Blow
They brought me a gift some cocoa and figs
I opened it up, a brand new dark wig
They all started laughing and left like a Rocket
No relation to Rikki, who’s CD was in my pocket
I cranked up the Poison and started to smile
Then the doorbell? It hadn’t rung in a while
It was C.C. and Bobby, Bret Michaels was there
I couldn’t be happier, they all did their hair
Just like the old days with hairspray and gel
But Bobby was drunk and C.C. on krell
Bret was so charming and Rikki was too
They handed me a package wrapped in paper of blue
As I unwrapped the paper I started to cry
It was an old video tape of the movie The Fly
As they all left I heard them let out a cackyl
Then the phone rang it was Jesse from Jackyl
He started with "Hi ya’ll" I felt so much joy
Then he said, "how is your penis we know your a boy"
The dial tone hit me and I knew he was gone
A band that I loved and that Chainsaw song
I made a lite dinner of ramen and bread
My bald spot is getting bigger on top of my head
I sipped from my bowl and dreamed of the eighties
I pondered this thought, "Am I a man or a lady?"
My fax started faxing so I ran like a giant
It was from Jani & Jerry & Eric from Warrant
I started reading and weaping as the letter got worse
They told me FUCK YOU so I reached for my purse
I decided to call Dana the leader of Slaughter
He answered his line and said, "what is the matter?"
I was crying and screaming like a cat in a blender
He said "Mark is that you?" then broke into laughter
X-mas has been Hell I think I should call Hanson
Maybe N-Sync, The Spice Girls or Marilyn Manson
The bands that I worship have all turned their asses
I’m no longer at Metal Edge and no back stage passes
A Happy Holiday is most likely what I will not get
but a big boot in my ass for talking so much shit
The smiles, the laughter, the rocking round up will die
and I will just suffer, be forgotten and fry
Bon Jovi, Van Halen, Ratt and Metal Wire
The editors page, a memory of me hunched over Rick Steier
Quiet Riot, Stryper & Twisted Sister are washed up
I now join the ranks with the groups who all suck
I’ll fade like blue jeans on Joe Elliot’s body
Or Danger Danger CD sales like Naughty-Naughty
Firehouse, Sebastian and Metallica too
All will forget me like a trip to the zoo!
Thanks to Sludgeaholics and Sludgettes far and wide for making it another great year! You all rule — each and every one of you.
Happy Holidays from the entire staff at Metal Sludge!
Ten Years and still sucking even during the Holidays.
