The Scores:

The Cover

This is the first thing you see in a record store. Does the cover makes your nuts dance? Does it part your butt hair? Does it make sense? Does it relate to the CD title? That’s what we’ll let you know.

1 = Generic as fuck. Probably looks like a computer printout.

2 = This sucks. Who’s kidding who?

3 = Unoriginal and boring.

4 = Not quite average, but a little bit of thought went into it. A little.

5 = Since this is 5, that means it’s average stupid ass. What else would a 5 out of 10 mean?

6 = Decent.

7 = This is cool. It’s thought out and makes sense.

8 = This looks really good and professional.

9 = Almost perfect!

10 = A perfect cover. Probably contains nudity or something vulgar. We enjoy that shit. This is rare though.

The Booklet

Is their lyrics? Photos? Credits? Is it easy to read? Is there cool shit to look at? Here is how we’ll rate the booklets.

1 = A one page panel or something probably made by Perris Records.

2 = Probably some cheap, black & white crap not worth pissing on.

3 = The typical booklet a local band would do.

4 = Almost average, but not quite.

5 = Typical shit which may include lyrics, thanks, and maybe a photo.

6 = A bit above average, nothing too exciting, but not bad.

7 = Better than 6!

8 = Not as good as 9!

9 = A high quality booklet worth some money and thought put into it.

10 = A totally devestating booklet the probably features profanity, nudity, or all sorts of colorful shit. Well worth the price of the CD just to see. A Metal Sludge mention also gets an automatic 10.

The Songs

Probably the most important part of a CD, don’t you think?

1 = You’d rather have Mike Tyson punch you in the genitals repeatedly than listen to this piece of shit.

2 = If you were to try and sell this to a used CD store, they’d slap the lips off your face, belly-to-belly suplex you through 2 flaming tables covered in thumbtacks, twist both your nipples counter clockwise, and then give you a flying reverse upside down DDT into a barrel of broken glass.

3 = This is a CD you’ll hide from your friends so they don’t see it in your CD collection.

4 = Not worth buying, but if you can steal it, what the hell.  Use it for a beer coaster when you’re done listening to it.

5 = After a week of listening to this, you’ll get bored with it and move on.

6 = Good enough to listen to for a few weeks to a month.

7 = This is cool.

8 = The bomb diggity!

9 = You’ll probably play this again and again like a retard until your friends get really sick and tired of listening to it and break your CD player. 

10 = These albums will blow your face off and you’ll end up looking like Sloth from the Goonies.  Nuff said.

ADEMA

by bastard boy floyd

Cover: 5 Korns out of 10.

It looks like a side profile of Joan Jett with her tongue sticking out. It’s kind of arty too. Ok, whatever.

Booklet: 10 Korns out of 10.

This is a great booklet. It’s a 24 panel booklet that folds out to a 14 inch by 18 1/2 inch poster. Of course the poster sort of sucks because it’s an artsy photo of 2 goth looking chicks, but still a lot of effort went into this so I have to give it props.

Songs: 5 Korns out of 10.

Before I start let me give you some of the lyrics for the song “Freaking Out”

I was so much an outcast

No one ever liked me cause I wasn’t wanted

I was so different from the rest of em all

Fucked up on drugs from al the speed

And I Never got no sleep

Cause I kept on trippin over what they said

And everything that my mom said made me mad

And everything that my dad said made me sad

Why am I even trying?

Get the picture? Well the whole CD is basically topics like this. More angry Nu Metal shit. It’s not surprising considering the singer is Jonathan Davis’ half brother. A lot of these songs remind me of Korn.

Comments: This is basically Korn Jr. Or Korn Lite. Same old shit about being betrayed and fucked over in life. Boo Hoo.

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AEROSMITHSONIAN “A Tribute To Aerosmith”

by bastard boy floyd

This CD is released by Perris Records

Cover: 6 Perris Samplers out of 10.

This cover isn’t bad because it shows a chick’s cleavage with Aerosmith written between them. Not bad for a tribute CD, but unfortunately this is the best thing about the entire CD.

Booket: 0 Perris Samplers out of 10.

This is without a doubt the worst layout and booklet I’ve ever seen. It’s an assault on the ocular senses! This makes the booklets that Eric Turner and Jerry Dixon put together for their CDs look like a Backstreet Boys release. In fact the words in my booklet are cutoff! They run right off the page. If you think the Perris Records ads in Metal Edge sucked, wait till you see this. Even the CD itself is just black with writing on it. It looks like a friggin bootleg!

Songs: 5 Perris Samplers out of 20.

Weaker than a punch from Emmanuel Lewis (you know, the kid who played Webster). 10 songs in all with very little production. There is really no reason to buy this because it all straight covers that totally fail in compared to the originals. I think the production of the original songs are even better than this and they were recorded back in the 70s.

Comments: This is almost as much of a joke as the Britney Spears Tribute Album I bought last month (which I bought as a joke, I’ll have you know). In fact I’d rather be reviewing that than this CD. Why do I always buy CDs that suck? I’m a glutton for punishment.

Is it really necessary for Perris Records to put out a tribute album to Aerosmith when there are already a few on the market? The answer to that question is no. The whole tribute CD thing is already played out and I don’t appreciate Perris getting into the mix. If you see this CD in stores, cover your eyes and run the other direction.

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AEROSMITH “Just Push Play”

by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover: 3 Autograph Covers out of 10.

Aerosmith’s past drug use is very evident with this cover because it’s obvious that some brain cells have been destroyed along the way. This fucking cover has basically been done before by Autograph! We even did a post about it which can be found at http://www.metal-sludge.com/AerosmithAutographCover.htm

The album is called “Just Push Play” so I don’t really get what the lame robot chick is about. It’s pretty uncreative and half assed.

Booklet: 7 Rag Dolls out of 10.

This is Aerosmith, so obviously they have the cash to put out a booklet that is good. The only gay thing about it is the centerfold in the middle which is exactly the same as Autograph’s cover. Otherwise, this has all the lyrics, pictures, and shit like that.

Songs: 6 Rag Dolls out of 10.

I dig the first song “Beyond Beautiful” and “Light Inside” is also cool. The rest of the album is a mixed bag. Nothing really sucks and the production is great, but nothing makes my balls go up and down like a yo-yo. “Fly Away From Here” is your typical Aerosmith ballad, and “Luv Lies” sounds like a ballad that would have been on “Eat The Rich.” I’m over the Aerosmith ballad thing. “Just Push Play” has some weird rap/Jamaican elements to it, but Aerosmith has always fucked around with that shit, so I’m not bothered by that. The songs are mostly middle of the road songs. Not too heavy, not too light. And they’re catchy, but after a few listens I was somewhat bored with it. Joe Perry sings one song called “Drop Dead Gorgeous” which is probably the weakest song on the album. Unlike some singers half his age, Tyler still sounds as good as ever. The Best Buy version of this CD contains a song called “Face” which is basically a throw away track.

Comments: I don’t like this CD as much as their last one, “Nine Lives,” but it ain’t bad. It’s definitely not a classic, but better than some of the shit that’s out today.

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ARCADE “A/3 – Live & Unreleased”

by bastard boy floyd

Cover: 6 Ratts out of 10. It’s decent enough. It shows the band live on stage. What else do you expect from a live album?

Booklet: 4 Ratts out of 10. Like Pearcy’s voice, this booklet is nothing fancy. It’s has some photos and a simple layout. It doesn’t list where any of the live songs are played or much details about anything.

Songs: 3 Ratts out of 10. This CD has 13 songs, 6 live tracks and 7 demos. All the songs are from the first Arcade album. Overall it’s ok, I mean shit, it’s Pearcy singing live. The demos don’t really sound that much different than what’s on the album, except the production isn’t as good.

Comments: So far I’ve reviewed a shitty Aerosmith Tribute CD and now Arcade. Somebody shoot me, please. This is basically for the 3 or 4 diehard Arcade fans who really dig this stuff.

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ARMORED SAINT “Nod To The Old School”

by Jani Bon Neil

Cover: 8 Marching Saints out of 10.

It’s a chalk board with the Armored Saint logo on it written in chalk with Nod to the old school below it. Works for me.

Booklet: 9 Marching Saints out of 10.

A really good booklet for this type of thing. It includes the history of the band, plenty of info on the songs, old and new photos, and even school photos.

Songs: 9 Marching Saints out of 10.

This is a 2 CD set which includes 2 new songs, “Real Swagger,” and “Unstable,” 2 live songs “After Me, The Flood,” and “Creepy Feelings,” their 1983 3 song EP, 5 demos, some covers, rarities, and shit like that. A nice overview of Armored Saint’s career. This is a straightahead, no frills metal album. Disc number 2 includes 2 live videos for “March Of The Saint” and “Long Before I Die.”

Comments: If you’re an Armored Saint fan this is a must have. If you’re not, fuck off, you shouldn’t have been reading this review in the first place.

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BEAUTIFUL CREATURES

by Jani Bon Neil

Cover: 8 Fog Machines out of 10.

The cover is glittery and says Beautiful Creatures. It’s simple but stands out. Yet that hasn’t helped their sales any.

Booklet: 5 Mid-30 year olds out of 10.

The booklet just folds open and has some black and white photos, credits, and that’s it. No lyrics, but that’s probably because they don’t want you to read the cheesy lyrics. The photos show off everybody’s trendy black hair and latest Melrose clothes.

Songs: 7 Bang Tangos out of 10.

The songs aren’t that bad to be honest. At times the lyrics are weak and Joe’s voice isn’t the best, but they’re ok. I’ve definitely heard a lot worse. The best part of the whole CD is DJ Ashba’s guitar playing. He’s definitely got some licks and has a cool guitar tone. He’s the best thing about the entire band. Otherwise, this is basically 80s style songs with a current edge. The first 5 songs are the best, and the last song “I Got It All” has a AC/DC vibe to it.

Comments: This should basically please most 80s rock fans, but they’re not the next Motley Crue or Guns N Roses, that’s for sure. The thing that’s going to hurt this band most is shit like Anthony Focx did in his 20 Questions with us. I also heard that one interview said Joe LeSte was 31!! Please, the guy is in his 40s! Stuff like that will hurt this band in the long run. Fans don’t want to be bullshitted, at least not that bad.

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BETTY BLOWTORCH – “Are You Man Enough?”

by bastard boy floyd

Cover: 8 Betty’s out of 10.

It’s a drawing of some chick with an motorcycle engine sticking out of her head. Now it’s one thing to get a piercing or two, but to put a motorcycle engine in your head is taking things too far. But it’s cool and stands out.

Booklet: 10 Betty’s out of 10.

I’m giving this a 10 simply because of the names of the band members! The singer/bass player is named Bianca Butthole, the guitarist is named Sharon Kneedles, the other guitarist is Blare N. Bitch, and the drummer is Judy Molish. Those almost sound like Metal Sludge names. These chicks have about as many tats as Motley Crue and they all look like they could kick my ass. Each chick gets her own page along with a little bio, kind of like our Sludgette Of The Month questions. It includes turn-ons, turn-offs, measurements, hobbies, and shit like that. Plus it has all the lyrics and thanks. A well done booklet which is better than most major releases.

Songs: 9 Betty’s out of 10.

How can you go wrong with a band with a song called “Shut Up And Fuck,” “I Wish You’d Die,” “Size Queen,” and “Big Hair, Broken Heart.” In fact, the 2nd verse of “Big Hair” goes:

“We were at the Troubador

I was a groupie whore

I didn’t care, I was having fun.

Party hard and die young

Jani Lane and Motley Crue

Those leather pants, I’d die for you

Whitesnake, Quiet Riot and Ratt.

You know you can’t do better than that!”

That song is even dedicated to Lita Ford!

Here’s some more cool lyrics from the song “Shut Up And Fuck”

“Some people call me a slut

What can I say I want to bust a nut

I strap on my biggest dildo

It makes me hot when you’re screaming no

I don’t wanna know your name

I just wanna fuckin get laid!”

Now those are rock lyrics! The songs are also catchy with some cool riffs. It’s not just profane lyrics; there is actually some cool shit going on too.

“Size Queen” features a rap by Vanilla Ice who talks about his cock size. Other songs talk about masturbation, fucking and being a part time hooker. The chorus for the song “Rock-N-Roll 69″ goes, “Sex, drums, rock, the devil.” What’s not to like?

Comments: These chicks are like the Motley Crue of chick bands. They smoke The Donnas and have way more attitude than Kittie. Plus I hear they blow up a lot of shit at their shows! Pyro is cool.

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BLACK LABEL SOCIETY “Alcohol Fueled Brewtality Live +5″

by Jani Bon Neil

Cover: 6 Beers out of 10.

This is a drawing of some some skull biker guys in a bar drinking. It’s ok.

Booklet: 8 Beers out of 10.

The booklet has some hand written notes by Zakk, which talks about all the shit they went through on tour, including a mention that a past bus driver threatened to kill him and his family and that he also lost his bullseye guitar. There are lots of live photos and profanity.

Songs: 7 Beers out of 10.

This is a pretty raw live album, which is refreshing from the over polished studio shit most bands put out. This almost sounds like a board tape and that there are about 20 people in attendance. I prefer the studio versions of these songs much more than the live versions though because Zakk’s voice sounds better. Lets face it, Zakk ain’t got the best live voice in the world. He gives Lemmy a run for the money on some of this shit. There is minimum chat, but when Zakk does talk he says something worth remembering. During “Superterrorizer” he says, “Limp Bizkit sucks” and “Drink Beer.”

This also includes a bonus disc which has 5 mellow songs, ala Zakk’s “Book Of Shadows” CD. 2 of the songs are covers, “Heart Of Gold” and “Snowblind”, and the other 3 are “Like A Bird,” “Blood In The Wall,” and “The Beginning…At Last.”

Comments: I can’t think of anything to say here. What would Zakk say? Probably “drink beer” and “fuck, cunt, piss, and shit.” Ok, that’s good enough.

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BON JOVI “One Wild Night Live 1985-2001″

by Donna Anderson

Cover: 6 Lighters out of 10.

The layout is almost the same as the “Crush” cover except this one is outlined in black (instead of white) and features “live” photos. Just by looking at the cover you can clearly tell the order of importance of each band member by counting how many photos they are featured in. Jon is in the most (of course) with 4, then Richie follows with 3, Tico is next with 2, and poor Dave only has 1. There are actually more photos of stage lights and pyro than Tico and Dave combined! Of course let’s not forget Hugh the “unofficial” bass player who has been with Bon Jovi since Alec’s departure about 7 years ago; he’s in a total of 0 photos

Booklet: 7 Lighters out of 10.

The booklet folds out numerous times and has tons of photos of things to reminisce over. There are live performance pictures but there are also ticket stubs, banners, backstage passes, t-shirts; basically everything to remind you of a going to a concert. There is also a long piece that was written by Lonn Friend about Bon Jovi and their fans; however it almost sounds like a eulogy. The list of “thank you’s” is almost as long as Lonn’s piece but the funny thing is that they don’t thank their fans or their families (well Jon thanks both of his brothers but nobody else); it’s almost all “industry” thank you’s. I wonder how their families and friends feel when they don’t get mentioned but a special thanks goes out to “Sharpie Pens”.

Songs: 6 Lighters out of 10.

The album contains 15 songs that were recorded in 6 countries dating back to 1985 (but most of them were recorded in 1995 and 2000). It contains most of the songs that you would expect but also a couple you wouldn’t. They decided to include their versions of “Rockin’ in the Free World” and “I Don’t Like Mondays”. They both sound good but I wish they would have included “Lay Your Hands on Me”, “Born to be My Baby”, or “These Days” instead. There is also a “remix” of “One Wild Night” which is somewhat useless. But there are a lot of songs on here that everyone knows like: “It’s My Life”, “Livin’ on a Prayer”, “You Give Love a Bad Name”, “Wanted Dead or Alive”, “Runaway”, “In and Out of Love”, and “Bad Medicine”. Bon Jovi sounds good on all of these tracks and they don’t sound “over produced” – it definitely has a “live” vibe to it.

Comments: If you consider yourself a Bon Jovi fan it’s a “must have”, if for nothing else than a good trip down memory lane. If you’re not a Jovi fan than don’t bother, this album isn’t meant to win new fans it’s just a good addition to the cd collection for those who really like the band.

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A TRIBUTE TO BON JOVI “Covered Dead Or Alive”

by Donna Anderson

Cover: 3 New Jerseys out of 10.

It’s some sort of western looking skull. Whatever.

Booklet: 2 New Jerseys out of 10.

The booklet only includes a few paragraphs on the band and it’s all the stuff you already know. Very weak like Hugh McDonald’s looks.

Songs: 1 New Jerseys out of 10.

I’m told I’m suppose to list the songs done on this CD. So here are the songs and my comments for each one.

Runaway by some guy from Circus Of Power – This is ok but where did they find this guy?

In And Out Of Love by Stevie Rachelle – This track is ok

You Give Love A Bad Name by Kelly Hansen – This track is also ok

Livin’ On A Prayer by Marq Torien – This version sucks. The verses are ok, but the chorus is horrible. Torien can’t hit the notes. Also they don’t do Richie’s voice box thing which makes the song sound rather shitty.

Wanted Dead Or Alive by Phil “Sleepy Time” Lewis – Phil does a decent job

Lay Your Hands On Me by Jani Lane – I don’t think many people want to lay their hands on Jani anymore

Bad Medicine by Jizzy Pearl – The keyboard intro sounds like it was recorded on something purchased at Radio Shack. Jizzy sounds ok, but he doesn’t say “Bad Medicine” just before the first verse.

Born To Be My Baby by John Corabi – This is ok.

Livin In Sin by Spike – This sucks

I’ll Be There For You by some guy from Bonham – This sucks

Blaze Of Glory by Kory Clarke – This is horendous! The guy isn’t even in key for half the song.

It’s My Life (Remix) by Jason McMaster – Typical Cleopatra remix, and it’s lame.

Obviously none of these songs have the production that the originals do so that doesn’t help. It should be noted that Jerry Dixon played bass, Erik Turner played rhythm (as if he’s capable of playing lead), James Kottak played drums, Danny Wagner played keyboards, and DJ Ashba played guitar. Other than DJ, this is basically current or past Warrant members playing Bon Jovi songs.

Comments: Let it be known that I love Bon Jovi but I hate this CD. This just didn’t do anything for me and I can’t even believe this CD is available to be purchased.

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ALICE COOPER “Dragontown”

by Dana Brittingham

Cover: 8 Big Unit Hotdogs out of 10

Most Alice Cooper albums have a picture of – who else? – Alice, just so you know it’s him. Dragontown is no exception. It shows The Master peering from behind a sword hilt, complete with his trademarked makeup and a typical Alice scowl. Someone should tell him to put that sword down before he cuts himself again! Alice looks scary even without trying, and age only makes him look creepier. It looks pretty cool and should stand out even to the most casual of Alice fans.

Booklet: 9 Mom’s Tuna Casseroles out of 10

The booklet folds out to include lots of pictures of Cooper and an eclectic mix of Neil Zlozower photography, artful graffitti and avant-garde graphic design. It’s dark and spooky, just like Alice, and contains all the lyrics and album credits you could want. As an added bonus, there’s a merchandise catalog insert, offering one-stop shopping for Alice swag, action figures, lunch boxes, teddy bears, and some very pricey autographed stuff for the discerning collector.

Songs: 9 Marriott Weekend Getaways out of 10

To be honest, this has to be the best Alice album out in years. Some of the songs sound like they were leftovers from the Brutal Planet sessions (Alice’s last album) – not that it’s a bad thing. Those tunes are quite heavy. Then there’s an obligatory Alice ballad in the vein of “Only Women Bleed.” This time it’s called “Every Woman Has A Name,” just the latest in a series of Alice’s attempts to prove that he can really try to sing. The rest of the tunes run the gamut of dark, heavy, nu-metalesque to the more lighthearted with pop overtones. The highlight for me is “Sister Sara,” about the family-friendly topic of a nun turned crack whore. It’s cool.

Comments: Alice’s fans are ardent and dedicated, and will gladly lap this up like a bowl of Major League Chili at Cooper’stown… without any of the morning-after regrets. All of his albums have more or less kept up with whatever is en vogue and trendy in rock. The sound is modern; production and musicianship are top of the line. Amazing, since he’s been around for, like, centuries. “Dragontown” marks the return of long-time collaborator Bob Ezrin, who honed Alice’s sound from the early 70’s onward. It’s good to know that Alice can put down the golf clubs long enough to release a kick-ass rock album every few years. He’s a (barely) living legend. Go see Alice Cooper before he drops dead!

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CREED “Weathered”

by Jani Bon Neil

Cover: 0 Strypers out of 10.

Gay! It’s a tree with their faces craved in it. How fucking silly. Can we take ourselves anymore seriously?

Booklet: 7 Strypers out of 10.

The booklet has lyrics and a fold out of mountains and fire. Some sort of dramatic crap. I guess it’s not bad.

Songs: 5 Strypers out of 10.

Don’t think I purchased this! Wind-Up Records actually sent it to us! Don’t ask me why. I’ve never heard a full Creed record so I was just expecting the stuff I’ve heard on the radio. The first track “Bullets” isn’t that bad and is heavier than I thought Creed would be. Of course the single “My Sacrifice” gets played on WWF TV every week so because of that I’ve sort of grown to like it, but only because of the wrestling clips tthe WWF uses to go along with the song.  I skipped over all the slow songs so I can’t even tell you about them. The last thing I want to hear is another “emotional” Creed ballad. I could probably turn on the radio right now and hear one of those! As for the rest of the CD, eh, it’s ok. It’s not a CD that should have sold 800,000 some units it’s first week, but what do I know? 

Comments: If Scott Stapp wasn’t such a dick, this band didn’t think so highly of themselves, and they didn’t rip off every other band that came before them, I might have given them more. But I’ve heard too many horror stories about these guys so fuck ‘em.

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A TRIBUTE TO THE CULT “Fire Woman”

by bastard boy floyd

Cover: 9 Fire Women out of 10.

The cover has a nude Kendra Jade on it but her body is covered up with flames. Unlike other tribute CDs, this has an actual cover that was specifically shot for this CD. In other words, effort was put into it! What a concept! I have to go with a 9 since Kendra is on the cover. However they lose a point because she’s not totally naked.

Booklet: 9 Fire Women out of 10.

Take notice Cleopatra and Perris Records, this is how it’s done! A full 16 pages! It covers the history of The Cult and each band on this CD gets a half page writeup along with a photo. It’s totally pro. Had it all been in color, it would have gotten a full 10, but I can’t complain. This blow away anything Cleopatra has ever done or even thought about doing.

Songs: 6 Fire Women out of 10.

I’m not the biggest Cult fan around, so I’m not familiar with a lot of these songs, so I’m giving them a 6, which is slightly above average. I have no specific reason why I settled on 6, but it seems like a nice number and deserves to be used more often.

This is what’s on the CD:

1. Fire Woman by Jizzy Pearl

2. She Sells Sactuary by Enuff Z’Nuff

3. Sweet Soul Sister by Paul Shortino & Jimmy Crespo

4. American Horse by Jake E. Less/Tattoo Frank

5. Edie (Ciao Baby) by Richard Kendrick

6. Peace Dog by American Dog featuring Jason McMaster

7. The Witch by Levi Levi & Sinderella Pussie of My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult

8. Wild Flower by Gilby Clarke

9. The Rain by Joe Lynn Turner with Reckless Fortune

10. King Contary Man by Jason McMaster

11. Coming Down by Corey Craven

12. Outlaw by Stevie Rachelle with Richard Kendrick

13. Lil Devil by Jim Martin, Anand Bhatt, and Dave Campbell

14. Memphis Hip Shake by O.C.D.

It wouldn’t be a tribute record without Jizzy Pearl or Stevie Rachelle!

Overall the production sounds good and nobody embarrasses themselves. Except for track 14, that song sucks. Everything else is ok.

Comments: I should mention that Versailles Records sent this to us and specifically asked for me to review this CD! I guess they like me, or maybe they think I give easier reviews. I would have prefered they sent me money along with this CD, but what can I do? This is one of the better tribute CDs out there providing you like The Cult. My suggestions are to get some bigger names because nobody gives a shit about O.C.D, Corey Craven, Richard Kendrick, or American Dog. Those guys don’t even have real record deals and why should I or anybody else care about them covering Cult songs?

And get a name for your label that I can actually pronounce!

Versailles is also doing a Tribute CD for Steve Vai/Joe Satriani that will be out in the Summer, and I’m expecting that CD in the PO Box as well.

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THE DONNAS “Turn 21″

by Donna Anderson

Cover: 7 Donnas out of 10.

It’s The Donnas sitting at a table in a club with various drinks on the table. They look dressed up for a night on the town. It fits the album title.

Booklet: 5 Donnas out of 10.

This is a step down from The Donnas “Get Skintight” booklet. That had a million pictures, lyrics and things like this. I gave it a 9 while this booklet gets a 5. This just has lyrics and closeup pictures of the girls, which are the same photos as the cover. Could have been much better.

Songs: 7 Donnas out of 10.

I really like the song “40 Boys In 40 Nights” because it could be the theme for Donna’s Ho-Bag! On their last album they covered Motley Crue and this time it’s Judas Priest’s “Living After Midnight.” They add their own touch to it so it’s kind of cool. The songs are generally about boys, parties, boys, sex, boys, and rock & roll. It’s good, catchy, up tempo party rock with a definite nod towards The Ramones, Joan Jett, and 80s rock like Poison’s “Look What The Cat Dragged In.” The songs aren’t deep or that technically complicated to play, but they’re not suppose to be. If you liked their last album, then you’ll like this.

Comments: This is a great party record to pop in before you hit the bar.

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DOPE “Life”

by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover: 2 Dead Motherfuckers out of 10.

It’s an eye with the words Dope and Life on the cover. Who was the Dope that came up with this?

Booklet: 9 Dead Motherfuckers out of 10.

This is like their last booklet with some cartoon drawings of fucked up shit. It has all the lyrics, pictures, a pentagram, some slutty looking cartoon chicks, and even a skull. I back it!

Songs: 9 Dead Motherfuckers out of 10

I like this album a lot more than their last one. My favorite song is easily track #6, “Die Motherfucker Die” which probably won’t be getting a lot of airplay, but it should. It’s an agressive in-your-face song that make you want to start punching random people walking down the street. Probably one of my Top 5 favorite songs of the year because I’m an angry, pissed off man. The production on this entire CD is good as well. It’s got a current sound along with plenty of aggression, as well as cool riffs, hooks and melodies to go along with it. Other tracks I enjoy include “Thanks For Nothing,” “Now Or Never,” “Slipping Away,” “Take Your Best Shot” and “March Of Hope.” This CD has 13 tracks plus a hidden track called “You’re Full Of Shit.”

Comments: The last record’s vibe was “everything sucks and we’re fucked.” This record’s vibe is “everything still sucks but it could be worse.” It’s a little more positive and diverse a record than the last one. I back it.

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DROWNING POOL “Sinner”

by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover: 4 Bodies Hitting The Floor out of 10.

It’s a hand touching some chicks forehead. The dude’s wrist has a tat on it and it says “Sinner” on his hand. Yeah, what-the-fuck-ever.

Booklet: 6 Bodies Hitting The Floor out of 10.

Easy to read lyrics and a picture of the band. Of course the band has to have a bald guy, a guy with dreadlocks, facial hair, a fat guy, and one guy with “Drowning” on one forearm and “Pool” on the other. Their band look is way too contrived. This type of stuff is getting as played out as the 80s hair band look was. 10 years from now we’ll look at this and laugh.

Songs: 7 Bodies Hitting The Floor out of 10.

“Bodies” is by far the best song on the CD. You’ve heard that song so I don’t need to fucking explain it to you. The rest of the songs are “nu-metal” type shit. That’s the word for this, right? Nu-metal. Isn’t that the popular word for today? Nu-metal. So there, it’s nu-metal. Now you know. If you want to know more in depth analysis of these songs go read what Paul Gargano had to say in Metal Edge. He said something like they were the greatest thing in the world since blowjobs. I’d also like to say that Scott Stapp is a bitch. I know that has nothing to do with anything but fuck off, this is my review.

Comments:

Wind Up Records has pumped a lot of money into Drowning Pool with TV commericials every 5 minutes during wrestling and the Howard Stern show. “Bodies” is even the theme for the WWF’s Summerslam. You know that also cost them money. So it’s no suprise these guys went gold within 2 months because the had the money behind them to do so. But they’ll probably need to go 10 times platinum before they see any cash.

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FLOTSAM AND JETSAM “My God”

by Ozzy Stillbourne

You know what I realized? I hate fucking reviewing CDs. I either like something or I don’t. I hate trying to write all indepth about a fucking CD. It’s either good or it sucks. And I like this CD. But since “the man” wants a CD review I’ll do one. Just thought I’d share that with everybody.

Cover: 8 Jason Newsteds out of 10.

It’s a fucking skeleton dressed up like an Arab guy in the dessert. Anytime you have skeletons dressed up on an album cover that has to be good for at least an 8.

Booklet: 10 Jason Newsteds out of 10.

All you need to know is that Metal Sludge gets thanked in the credits! It says, “Thanks to Metal Sludge & Donna for her kind review of our private parts.”

Metal Sludge Getting Thanked In The Credits = 10.

Other bands take note.

Songs: 6 Jason Newsteds out of 10.

This is definitely an old school metal album, with crazy riffs and topics about society. “Dig Me Up To Bury Me” start things off with a kick to the balls and is probably the best song on the CD. There are 12 songs including an instrumental at the end, so that’s pretty old school Metallica. There is also an hidden acoustic track on the CD, which is probably best left undiscovered.

Comments: This is excellent, no-apologies, thrashed-out power metal with the sort of attention to detail one expects from seasoned pros. If you’re looking for that kind of (nowadays) traditional metal, this is about as good as it gets.*

* I stole that entire last section from KNAC. I told you I don’t like to write reviews, and that guy from KNAC basically said what I would’ve said, so I just used what he said. Deal with it.

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HALFCOCKED “The Last Star”

by bastard boy floyd

Cover: 9 Halfcocks out of 10.

The cover made me buy this CD! Really. I was standing at the store and this CD jumped out at me. I saw a hot blond chick holding a mic and all sorts of colors. Then I picked it up and looked at the back and it’s a picture of the band and the lead singer chick has a bikini top on underneath a red furry coat. That’s good enough for me! So I bought it without knowing a single thing about the band. I had no clue what I was getting. I recognized the producer’s name, Spider One, from Powerman 5000, so I figured this must be a rock CD. I took a chance and it paid off.

Booklet: 8 Halfcocks out of 10.

Each member has a page with their photo while looking into a mirror. It has the all the lyrics, thanks, it’s colorful, and I dig chicks in leather.

Songs: 8 Halfcocks out of 10.

I dig this band. My impulse purchase paid off. Their bio says, “Their music incorporates all these elements no one else is doing right now – Blondie, Cheap Trick, early G‘N R, big hooks and no rapping.” That sounds about right to me. A fun, upbeat rock record with good hooks. So that’s my review.

Comments: Halfcocked also has a song on the WWF’s “Tough Enough” soundtrack. Word on the street is they put on a total rock show so I back that.

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HALFORD “Live Insurrection”

by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover: 9 Gay Bikers out of 10.

It’s Rob in front of a huge ass crowd. Works for me.

Booklet: 9 Gay Bikers out of 10.

The booklet is perfect for a live record. It lists all of Halford’s tour dates, a variety of live photos, the gear his band uses, thanks, and shit like that. It even says, “All songs recorded throughout Halford’s 2000 & 2001 “Resurrection” World Tour. We’re included several “bonus” tracks which were recorded either at soundchec before an evening’s performance or on a “non-show day.” “Light Comes Out Of Black” & “Life In Black” were slipped into the “live” sequence with some studio magic because that’s where we believed they worked best – we believe you’ll agree. “The One You Love To Hate” is a combination of Rob & Bruce’s soundcheck and live performances from the London (LA2) show.” What does that fucking mean? It means that they fucking recorded some stuff and added some crowd noise. At least they admit it so I guess I have to give them respect for that even though I think that’s gayer than Rob.

Songs: 7 Gay Bikers out of 10.

There are 3 real studio tracks, which are “Screaming In The Dark,” “Heart Of A Lion,” and “Prisoner Of Your Eyes.” “Screaming In The Dark” is definitely the best of the 3. It’s very metal and makes me want to drive into a wall. The other 2 tracks are ok. The live songs all sound really good, but that’s because they’ve been fixed up. But still, this is 25 live songs that cover Rob’s career. You got your old school Priest shit, the Fight shit, and the Halford shit. Hours of metal to satisfy anybody will a mullet.

Comments: The CD is a little too polished for me. I’m not into live albums that have “studio magic.” I don’t want David Copperfield doing anything to the CD, I want live shit. I want fuckups, mistakes, and off key vocals. Wait a minute, it almost sounds like I just described a Slaughter CD. Nevermind then. But other than that I can’t really bitch too much.

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HEAVEN & EARTH “Windows To The World”

faithfully submitted by Dick Encyder

Well, your favorite axe-slinging black belt is back with a brand new album. Stuart Smith’s new album is a band effort this time around. Rather than having 109 people contributing to this record, Stuart has stolen Kelly Keeling from, well let’s see. For who hasn’t Kelly Keeling been the singer? By the way, I almost ended that last sentence with a preposition, but caught myself. Arlan Schierbaum on keyboards and Richie Onori on drums round out the band. Who’s playing bass? I don’t know. The Doors didn’t have a bassist, why should a musical genius like Stuart Smith need one? Continuing in the great tradition of Stuart’s British heritage (and my last review), I’ll be grading this disc on the Newcastle scale once again.

Cover: 6 Newc’s out of 10.

I have no idea what the hell I’m looking at here. It’s called ‘Windows to the World’, but if I look out the window, I don’t see anything like that! I hate to get off on a tangent, but I get the impression the guys in the band were looking at possible album cover photos one night while hitting the golden champain from a keg a little too hard, came upon this picture that wound up on the cover and said, “Well, this will get the fans talking!” I got news for you guys. I was talking. I was saying, “What the fuck is that (imagine me pointing at a CD there)”. It gets a 6 out of 10 because if you look at it at just the right angle, it kinda looks like a photo of two butt-cheeks in a mirror. I shit you not.

Booklet: 8 Newc’s out of 10.

Not quite as cool as the debut CD, but still has all the pertinent information. The title track refers to the internet’s influence on our lives, and all the photos are cleverly connected by dot-to-dot like lines as if they’re all linked a-la the World Wide Web. Metal Sludge gets their props, so that’s an automatic point right there. I just wish he had as many in-studio photos of him bumming around with guys like Richie Sambora and Glenn Hughes. Looking at those pictures of the last disc had me thinking about how much drugs and alcohol had been consumed by everyone in that collaboration.

Songs: 7 Newc’s out of 10.

I don’t like Kelly Keeling’s voice. It’s a personal thing. The songs are all superb again, and with anyone else on vocals I’d have to give it an 8 or 9 out of 10. It’s something about the way that Keeling is always throwing in what I can only assume he thinks are cool sounding screams and howls in between choruses and verses. It just doesn’t work for me. Stuart still shreds on guitar and the band is as tight as a virgin on prom night as usual. The songs themselves have a much more classic feel than the hard rock feel of the debut. As a matter of fact, this is the best Deep Purple album they never wrote. Stuart’s solo on the opening track ‘Dogs of War’ made me take my guitar out back and burn it out of the knowledge I could never play that solo if I tried. My two favorite tracks easily would have been huge MTV hits ‘back in the day’. ‘Worlds Apart’ and ‘If Only Love’ are so chock full of melody and musical candy you’ll get a cavity.

Comments: All in all an excellent follow up for Stuart here. You can find out more on Stuart and Heaven and Earth at http://www.stuartsmith.com

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ICED EARTH “Horror Show”

by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover: 10 Wolfmans out of 10.

This is a classic looking metal cover that reminds me of something Iron Maiden would do. There is a castle, graves, some sort of evil creature hanging out in the sky, and all sorts of Dungeons and Dragons shit. Perfect to scare your parents with.

Booklet: 8 Frankenstiens out of 10.

This booklet has the lyrics along with drawings of famous monsters such as Jack The Ripper, Frakenstein, Mummies, Dracula, Ghosts, Count Chocula, Wolfman Jack, Mick Mars, and shit like that. Ohhh, spooky!

Songs: 8 Mummies out of 10.

This is a concept album all about famous monsters. Song titles included “Wolf” about werewolfs, “Jack” about Jack The Ripper, “Frankenstein” about…you figure it out, “Dracula” you get the idea. Why it might sound a tad silly singing about this stuff, and it sort of is, this is an old school metal CD with lots of double bass drums and headbanging, even though guitarist Jon Schaffer can’t headbang anymore because his neck is all fucked up. If you long for Metallica before they cut their hair and Iron Maiden before Bruce Dickinson was bitter, then you’ll want to pick this up.

Comments: I generally don’t like concept albums because I’m too stupid to figure out the story, and I don’t like to think. But I can handle this.

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JUDAS PRIEST “Demolition”

by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover: 3 Rock Stars out of 10.

No thought went into this. It says Demoliton in the middle with Judas Priest above it. And there is some sort of red shit. Great, wonderful, swell. I would have settled for a picture of the 80s WWF Tag Team “Demolition” over this.

Booklet: 5 Rock Stars out of 10.

This has full lyrics so you can read all the stupid shit Ripper is singing. The center of the booklet includes a group photo which isn’t doing the band any favors.

Songs: 2 Rock Stars out of 10.

This album sucks. The riffs were played out 10 years ago, the production sucks, the lyrics are unoriginal and weak, plus it’s boring and lame. Otherwise it’s great!

Comments: How is it Atlantic Records released this? What pisses me off is that I actually paid for this and then two days later we had a copy sent to our PO Box! Fuck!

Note to Glenn Tipton and KK Downing: Call Rob Halford ASAP!

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KID ROCK “Cocky”

by bastard boy floyd

Cover: 6 Pam’s out of 10.

It shows Kid Rock in the back of some car drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette. And he’s wearing a wife-beater! Go figure…..

Booklet: 8 Pam’s out of 10.

It’s a good size booklet with a variety of photos of recording the album and individual band member photos. 

Songs: 5 Pam’s out of 10.

Are you one of the 10 million people who have “Devil Without A Cause?” Then you already have this CD! Why are you reading my review then? Just add a few more Lynyrd Skynyrd type songs and there you have it. In fact Lynyrd Skynyrd should be charging Kid Rock rent for riding their nuts so much. Most of the songs also go off on little tangents here and there that aren’t really necessary. You have a mellow song like “Lonely Road Of Faith” and then towards the middle it kicks in and he says fuck a lot, then it goes back to the ballad.  Was that part really necessary?  I found myself asking that a lot when I listened to this. There is just a lot of unnecessary shit that a real producer would have probably told him to cut out. But of course Kid Rock produced this himself, so he did whatever he wanted. The lyrics are also pretty weak and sound like he came up with them at the last minute. But if you live in a trailer in Kentucky or Tennessee and don’t have cable, then this might be right down your alley.

Comments: After selling 10 million records last time and currently fucking Pamela Anderson, Kid Rock just isn’t as hungry anymore. Can’t say I blame him. He’s made his money and could probably give a shit if this CD sells 10 copies or 10 million. 

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Cover: 7 Nickles out of 10.

I’m going to automatically give them a 6 right off the bat for not using the fucking shield they’ve been using forever. And anything is an improvement over the “Skrinking Violet” cover. This cover has a moon on it with a chick in a space suit. It looks good and stands out.

Booklet: 5 Nickles out of 10.

Each band member, except Mick Cripps, gets a page of photos. The center of the booklet has the credits and the thanks. Metal Sludge is nowhere to be seen in the thanks so that automatically gets them deducted 5 points.

Songs: 7 Nickles out of 10.

The press release sums it up best by saying, “Produced by former Guns N’Roses guitarist, Gilby Glarke, Man in the Moon is a riff-driven, in-your-face, heavy blues-rock record.” The songs are basically a cross between Led Zeppelin and past L.A Guns songs. Track 3 “Good Thing” is very Led Zeppelin influenced, and Track 4 “Spider’s Web” is basically “Never Enough.” It’s so obvious when Donna Anderson heard it she thought it was a joke. The beginning guitar riff, the buildup, and even the way the first verse goes sounds like “Never Enough”, but with different lyrics. It’s way too obvious. Other than that joke, the album is very solid. It’s way more impressive than most releases by other 80s bands. Tracks that I thought were good were “Man In The Moon” and “Beautiful.” Overall nothing sucked other than the blatant “Never Enough” ripoff. The production is also better than their past efforts.

Comments: This is definitely L.A. Guns best release in the last 10 years. Yet considering some of those years had Chris Van Dahl in the band, that isn’t a hard accomplishment.

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MEGADETH “The World Needs A Hero”

by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover: 8 Vic Rattleheads out of 10.

This is one of Megadeth’s better covers in years. It shows Vic Rattlehead breaking through somebody’s chest and they’re all bloody, which you might expect if a skeleton comes out of your chest. I back skeletons and blood so it’s an 8.

Booklet: 7 Vic Rattleheads out of 10.

It has lyrics, pictures, and everything is easy to read.

Songs: 6 Vic Rattleheads out of 10.

Back in January when I heard this album off Napster, I thought it was ok, now that’s it’s 6 months later, I basically feel the same. Track 12, “When,” is basically “Am I Evil” with different lyrics and a slightly different riff. The music is just different enough that maybe the common fan wouldn’t notice, but the song is layed out exactly the same as “Am I Evil.” Same pacing of the song, same breaks, same everything. I’m assuming they did this intentionally and I hope they aren’t trying to fool anybody with it. The song is 9 minutes long, but it’s sort of like they are trying too hard to be old school metal or something. And instead of coming up with original stuff, they just borrowed from “Am I Evil?” Fuck, why not just cover the fucking song? It sounds too contrived. Same thing with “Return To Hangar.” It’s like, “yeah, our last album sucked, why don’t we write a sequel to one of our most popular songs. The kids might like that.” The song “Promises” also sucks. Mustaine said in an interview he sang the chorus in 4 different languages. That’s great and all, but the song sucks. He could sing the song in Chinese while standing on his head and it would still suck. He needs to learn that he doesn’t have a voice that sings well with soft, acoustic type music. He’s not Jewel. Tracks that are somewhat better include “Recipe For Hate…Warhorse,” “Dread And The Fugitive Mind,” and “1000 Times Goodbye.”

Comments: I heard most of this record back in January when it went up on Napster. The only difference is that they added a few more songs to it. Is this an album in the right direction? Yes. Is it old school Megadeth? Fuck no. Do I really either way? No.

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TED NUGENT “Full Bluntal Nugity”

by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover: 7 Guns out of 10.

It’s a picture from the drum riser of Ted saluting the crowd. Since this is a live record, I totally understand the concept of the cover and back it.

Booklet: 9 Bows out of 10.

The booklet has numerous live photos of Ted and the CD tray has a picture of Ted on stage riding a buffalo! The booklet has 4 paragraphs written by Ted and only like Ted can. He says this CD is, “100% totally live, no overdubs, no studio fix em up, no tattoos, no pierced nuthin, no trix, pure raw crude zero bullshit Nuge CD burning in the not so quiet night…”

Songs: 9 Arrows out of 10.

This is Ted in all his glory at his Whiplash Bash last New Year’s Eve in Auburn Hills, MI. There are 12 songs including “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang,” “Free For All,” “Cat Stratch Fever,” “Stranglehold,” “Fred Bear,” and “Great White Buffalo.” Also included are plenty of Ted’s stage raps which include lots of profanity like “fuck” and “shit.” For being a 3 piece, with Tommy Aldridge on the drums and Marco Mendoza on the bass, the band sounds very tight and on the money. Being that this is 100% live and it includes swearing, I’m giving it a 9 on principle. Plus he’ll shoot my ass if I go any lower.

Comments: Love him or hate him, he’s entertaining. Just like me.

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A TRIBUTE TO TED NUGENT “Bulletproof Fever”

by Jani Bon Neil

Cover: 7 Dead Deer out of 10.

What we have here is a guy using a guitar as a bow & arrow. This looks like something Ted would actually do.

Booklet: 2 Dead Deer out of 10.

I’m just going to use what Taime “Sex” Slaughter said about a past Cleopatra Tribute CD, because all the booklets are basically the same: This is a 2 page insert. It includes the cover and a page listing song titles, who sang them, which band they’re from and who played the instruments. Opposite of these panels is a synopsis of Ted Nugent’s career in black and white text. It’s overall acceptable but not great. Getting a single quote from each artist who contributed would be a good touch. There are about 15 guys total who perform on it. The buyer would love to read 15-20 lines of why “I as a artist was influenced by Ted Nugent”. Food for thought for the Cleopatra staff.

Songs: 6.5 Dead Deer out of 10.

Tracks are:

1. Cat Scratch Fever by John Corabi from Union/Ratt – did 20 Questions

2. Stranglehold by Marq Torien from BulletBoys

3. Hey Baby by Taime Downe from Faster Pussycat – did 20 Questions

4. Just What The Doctor Ordered by Kory Clarke from Warrior Soul

5. Journey To The Center Of The Mind by Phil Lewis from L.A. Guns – did 20 Questions

6. Wango Tango by Stevie Rachelle from Tuff – did 20 Questions

7. Motorcity Madhouse by Kelly Hansen from Hurricane – did 20 Questions

8. Wang Dang Sweet Poontang by Alex Mitchell from Circus Of Power

9. Free For All by Jani Lane from Warrant – did 20 Questions

10. Dog Eat Dog by Jizzy Pearl from Ratt – did 20 Questions

11. Need You Bad by Spike from London Quireboys

7 out of the 11 singers did 20 Questions with us. Our eventually goal is to have some tribute CD be entirely filled with people who have done 20 Questions with us. What a goal, huh?

Believe it or not this isn’t that bad. The guitars are done by Jake E. Lee and DJ Ashba, with Randy Castillo on drums, and who really cares about the bass player. The music sounds decent and most of the singers do a good job with everything. John Corabi sounds good doing Cat Scratch Fever, Taime Downe puts his sleazy vocals on Hey Baby, somehow Stevie Rachelle pulls off Ted’s rap during Wango Tango, and Kelly Hansen sounds energetic doing Motorcity Madhouse. I could have done without “Need You Bad” with Spike singing it. That track sucks. Otherwise, nobody really fucks anything up, so I don’t have much to say.

Comments: Probably one of the better tribute CDs they put out.

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OZZY OSBOURNE “Down To Earth”

by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover: 9 Bats out of 10.

It’s some sort of x-ray of Ozzy, but you can still see his tats and shit. It looks metal enough for me.

Booklet: 7 Ants Snorted out of 10.

The booklet folds out to about 100 pages of various Ozzy photos, which is about 98 pages too many. Ozzy isn’t in the Backstreet Boys so I can do without all the pics. There are also no lyrics and some thanks from Ozzy, but Sharon was probably the one who wrote everything down. You actually think Ozzy can remember who to thank or even remember who half these people are?

Songs: 7 Incoherent Words out of 10.

Most of the songs are all mid-tempo and there really isn’t any particular hooks or riffs that stand out. I’m not saying it sucks, but it’s just average. There is definitely some filler on here and you can tell Zakk Wylde had nothing to do with the writing of these songs. The ballads are the typical Ozzy ballads that we’ve all come to expect. The more rocking songs like “Gets Me Through” is ok, “Facing Hell” isn’t bad, “That I Never Had” has a good groove to it, “and “Alive” and “Can You Hear Them?” aren’t bad either. I would have liked to hear an album that Zakk & Ozzy wrote together, instead of just having Zakk come in as a session player, but what can I fucking do about that?

Comments: I think “No More Tears’ is my favorite Ozzy record and Ozzmois sucked. This CD is in the middle. It has grown on me a bit since I first got it, but it still won’t go down as an all time classic Ozzy record. But it’s probably better than half the shit that’s out there now and should do fairly well.

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OZZFEST 2001 “The Second Millennium”

by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover: 10 Jack Osbournes out of 10.

I don’t know about you but my cover has a demon giving the middle finger! 10! It’s the limited edition cover that you can probably only find in the mom & pop record stores but it’s worth finding. Demons flipping the bird are hard to come by. You just don’t see that as much as you should.

Booklet: 7 Aimee Osbournes out of 10.

Not bad. The booklet folds out but I’m too lazy to count the panels. Just know that there are quite a few along with some color photos of the OzzFest bands. Ozzy with Marilyn, Ozzy with Mudvayne. At least there aren’t any photos of Sharon Osbourne or Ozzy’s kids.

Songs: 6 Sharon Osbournes out of 10.

Black Sabbath, Marilyn Manson, Slipknot, Papa Roach, Linkin Park, Black Label Society, Disturbed, Mudvayne, Drowning Pool, The Union Underground, Nonpoint, Hatebreed, Systematic, and 3 other bands I’ve never heard of are on this CD. All the bands basically sound good, of course. They recorded this over 2 days in June at Alpine Valley in Wisconsin. Plenty of uses of the word “fuck” and during Black Label Society’s “Super Terrorizer,” Zakk Wylde says, “Limp Bizkit still sucks dick.”

Comments: Eh, it’s ok. You’ll listen to this a few times but then you’ll be over. At least Crazy Town wasn’t included on the CD!

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PUDDLE OF MUDD “Come Clean”

by bastard boy floyd

Cover: 6 Ass Smacks out of 10.

This is child porn! It’s a picture of a little kid with his pants and it looks like he’s peeing. This will probably be very popular with pedofiles.

Booklet: 6 Ass Smacks out of 10.

It folds out to 4 panels on each side with hand written lyrics sheets and some photos.

Songs: 5 Ass Smacks out of 10.

Their big hit is the song that says, “I love the way you smack my ass” so I enjoy that, because you don’t hear about ass smacking nearly enough on today’s radio. They have another song called “She Hates Me” which sounds like something Ugly Kid Joe would have done. The rest of the CD is basically filled with songs all ready for Modern Rock Radio. Nothing new, nothing different, just the same old shit you’ve heard before. Generic rock radio 101. And at times the singer’s voice reminds me of Kurt Cobain’s. Maybe it’s just me.

Comments: Not only is Puddle Of Mudd on Fred Durst’s label, and he’s their A & R man, they are managed by Bill McGathy, the radio promotions guy. That explains why they are on the radio every 10 minutes and their video is all over MTV, even though their video is totally weak and boring. These guys will eventually end up in the “Where Are They Now” file with Candlebox and the other past radio hit wonders of the past.

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SALIVA “Every Six Seconds”

by bastard boy floyd

Cover: 9 Salivating Chicks out of 10.

The cover is a chick wearing a necklace that says Saliva and her mouth is half open. It’s pretty simple but for some reason it really catches your eye and I like it. The chick looks like she’d be down for sucking some dick as well, so I’m giving it a 9. I’m easy.

Booklet: 7 Salivating Chicks out of 10.

This is a nice, thick booklet with a ton of band photos. These aren’t the best looking guys in the world, so that might have been a little overkill. There are also no lyrics, it’s just pictures of the band. They get a 7 for being too self absorbed.

Songs: 9 Salivating Chicks out of 10.

I have to say that there isn’t any filler tracks on this entire CD. There is a touch of rap in some songs, but it’s not over done. Plus the singer Josey (not to be confused with Josie Pearl) can actually sing and the harmonies on this disc are great. These are all well crafted songs that are heavy but melodic. It’s a good balance of what popular today along with old school rock. I’ve been playing this like a retard, over and over and over again. I don’t know why I’m not giving them 10 out of 10 except for the fact that I write for Metal Sludge and it doesn’t seem like something we’d do.

Comments: Paul Gargano called this the best release by a new band since Guns N Roses “Appetite For Destruction.” I’m not going to suck Saliva’s dick that hard, but this is a really good CD. It’s a good Summer CD to cruise to. I’m sure these guys will be Platinum before long.

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SEVENDUST “Animosity”

by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover: 8 Apples out of 10.

It’s a kid with an apple on his head and some vultures in a tree. I have no clue as to what this means. I know these guys smoke mad amounts of pot and I think they were smoking something when they came up with this album cover.

Booklet: 8 J.J. French’s out of 10.

Like the cover, there are a variety of pictures that I’m too stupid to figure out. One shows a dirty kid covered in mud and leeches. Nice. There are lyrics, thanks, and even a shout out to 9/11. 

Songs: 9 Tits On A Boar out of 10.

“Animosity” sets the right tone from it’s opener “Tits On A Boar,” a brutal slap of aggressive riffs and rhythmic mayhem which will dispel rumors that Sevendust would be going in a lighter direction this time around. Following is “Praise,” the album’s first single, and is another lit powderkreg seething with a bottom heavy punch. “Shine” is a gem of heaviness and harmony that spotlights the incredible range of vocalist Lajon Witherspoon, while “Crucified” reveals the guitar tandem of John Connolly and Clint Lowery as one of the best in hard rock. On the slow burning “Follow” the band gets an assist from good friend Aaron Lewis of Staind who back the vocals of Witherspoon, creating an instant heavy rock classic.*

*You really didn’t think I wrote that did you? Fuck off, I took that from their bio. I didn’t feel like thinking up my own shit so I just used Sevendust’s press release. But what do I think of the CD? It’s cool, I dig it. It’s a heavy, melodic CD. That’s all you really need to know.

Comments: These guys send us a lot of free shit. CDs, DVDs, videos, etc. Every time we go to the PO Box it seems Sevendust has sent us something, so we have to give them good scores for swinging from out balls. Go out and buy their CD so they’ll keep sending us free shit.

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SLIPKNOT “Iowa”

by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover: 7 Goats out of 10.

It’s a fucking goat. I don’t know what to say. I’m going with a 7 because I don’t want the clown to track me down and beat my ass.

Booklet: 10 Goats out of 10.

The booklet is a trip. It’s transparent but includes all the lyrics. Reminds me of something Tool would do. I feel fucking stoned just looking through it. Plus it smells good. I just sit around and sniff the fucking booklet all day. I don’t know, fuck off.

Songs: 8 Goats out of 10.

Are you looking to slaughter a family of 4 and you need a soundtrack? This is it! 14 songs of hostility. Each song is just as pissed off and angry as the next. The first song on the album sets the tone with the title “People = shit.” 66 minutes of rage. My favorite lyric is, “I wanna slit your throat and fuck the wound,” which I think would make a nice Hallmark card. That line is in the song “Disasterpiece.” In related news, Sugar Ray has a song on their new CD by that same name. How gay is it that I know that? Anyway, I think I like this CD more than their last one. “Everything Ends” is a favorite of mine right now and “The Heretic Anthem” has 666 in the chorus. Perfect for worshiping Satan.

Comments: After a while all this hostility wears me out. 14 songs of screaming and anger is even too much for me, and I hate everybody. I wonder if these guys are going to be this pissed 10 years from now? But I do like this album more than their last one.

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SOIL “Scars”

by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover: 4 Halo’s out of 10.

It’s the name Soil written in the ground. Get it?

Booklet: 6 Halo’s out of 10.

Typical black and white photos with lyrics. Good enough.

Songs: 8 Halo’s out of 10.

I dig this CD. It reminds me of a cross between Drowning Pool and Sevendust. Some of the drum sounds also remind me of Disturbed, which makes sense cause they used the same producer and recorded in the same place. This is basically a straight ahead, no frills metal CD that’s ready for radio. I like every track so fuck off. Plus they have a bald guy in the band with a pierced nose, so that automatically guarantees success.

Comments: Buy some fucking beer and a dimebag and crank it up! Good music to drive and run people over with.

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STEREOMUD “Perfect Self”

by bastard boy floyd

Cover: 2 out of 10.

This is a joke, right? It’s black & white and just says Stereomud, the album titles, in front of a circular pattern. My banners on the page have had more effort put into them than this.

Booklet: 7 out of 10.

A dark, black & white 16 panel booklet with lyrics, photos, thanks, etc. Everything is dark and spooky.

Songs: 6 out of 10.

The songs have a very familiar feeling. Like you’ve heard it before but you don’t know where. Like Deja-Vu. And no I’m not talking about the strip club, but now that you mention it I’d prefer to be there than writing this. See the sacrifices I’m making for you? So back to the CD, it’s commercial hard rock that’s a bit angry and good enough to get played on the radio. It’s not that original but it doesn’t suck. The singer has a good voice and switches from singing cleanly to being aggressive. Most of the songs are mid-tempo and after a while that gets old.

Comments:

Bass player Corey Lowery is the brother of that guy in Sevendust and he used to play in Stuck Mojo. Since every other Stereomud CD said that I figured I had to as well.

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TESLA “RePLUGGED LIVE”

by Jani Bon Neil

Cover: 8 Modern Day Cowboys out of 10.

It’s a photo of the band on stage. Typical for a live CD.

Booklet: 8 Modern Day Cowboys out of 10.

The booklet has 14 pages, including numerous band photos, individual member photos, a written story about how this CD came to be, credits, photos of roadies, and everything else you need for a live record.

Songs: 9 Modern Day Cowboys out of 10.

This is a 2 CD set and I think most live CDs should be 2 CD sets. There are 20 songs total, minimum chit chat, and the band sounds great. They don’t list where the songs where recorded, though Jeff does mention Wisconsin a few times. There is a nice variety of songs here as well. The band sounds tight and if you like Tesla pick this up.

Comments: It’s a live CD? How much can anybody really say? It’s either good or it sucks, and this is good.

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TWISTED FOREVER “A Tribute To The Legendary Twisted Sister”

by Jani Bon Neil

Cover: 8 SMF’s out of 10.

It says “Twisted Forever” with the Twisted Sister logo on the back of a jean jacket. Simple, but what more could you ask for?

Booklet: 9 SMF’s out of 10.

The booklet is very glam! It’s basically all pink with some old TS press. It also has comments from all the bands on this CD about Twisted Sister. Another funny thing they included was “What the experts had to say about TS in 1979″ and includes negative comments from sources in the industry.

Songs: 6 SMF’s out of 10.

The songs I like include Lit’s “I Wanna Rock,” Anthrax’s “Destroyer,” and Twisted Sister’s AC/DC cover of “Sin City.” Songs that basically suck include Chuck D doing “Wake Up The Sleeping Giant,” Joan Jett “We’re Not Going To Take It,” and Sevendust’s “I Am (I’m Me).” The rest of the album falls under the ok category. Sebitchian does a decent version of “You Can’t Stop Rock N Roll,” Nine Days does a radio friendly version of “The Price,” and Motorhead sounds like Motorhead doing “Shoot ‘Em Down.” The other bands on here include Nashville Pussy, Overkill, Cradle Of Filth, Vision Of Disorder, The Step Kings, Fu Manchu, and Hammerfall.

Comments: This is the way a tribute CD should be. Other bands playing songs their own way. No Cleopatra bullshit. For that I salute this CD.

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WARRANT “Under The Influence”

by Jani Bon Neil

Cover: 2 Down Boys out of 10.

How many times can the Jack Daniels bottle be ripped off? C’mon, already.

Booklet: 4 Down Boys out of 10.

Nothing fancy. A 2 page booklet with simple, easy to read credits.

Songs: 5 Down Boys out of 10.

This CD has 9 cover songs and 2 originals. These songs are basically straight covers that are no different than those Cleopatra Tribute CDs. Even the past Warrant songs they covered like “Train Train” and “We Will Rock You” at least had a Warrant touch added to them, whatever that is. But these songs are all played relatively safe with nothing different going on. The best cover song is “Down Payment Blues” and Billy Morris sings that! The rest of the cover songs don’t suck, they’re just nothing special. If you’ve heard Jani sing on those Cleopatra CD, well this is basically the same thing. Plus their song selection is lame. Was covering “Hair Of The Dog” really necessary, especially after Guns N Roses, Britny Fox, and every local cover band has already done it? The two news songs are “Subhuman” and “Face.” “Subhuman” sounds like something off “Belly To Belly” and is somewhat weak like Jerry’s liver. It’s alright. But “Face” is actually a good song! There is no reason that song couldn’t get played on radio other than the fact it’s Warrant. “Face” is just as good as anything else on the radio today, and it was written by Jani and Keri Kelli.

Comments: Jani has always been a good songwriter and “Face” shows that. It’s just too bad he’s a fuckup. Download the 2 new songs and “Down Payment Blues.” The rest you can pass on.

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ROB ZOMBIE “The Sinister Urge”

by Ozzy Stillbourne

Cover: 7 Demons out of 10.

Not as exciting as I thought it would be. It’s just Rob and some designs.

Booklet: 10 Naked Dead Girls out of 10.

This is Rob Zombie so you know you’re going to get all sorts of crazy shit to look at. You have various creatures, pentagrams, lyrics, and even naked chicks. The perfect booklet!

Songs: 6 Corpses out of 10.

I don’t like this CD as much as his last one, but it’s still got some cool shit. Tracks I like to jack off too include “Demon Speeding” and “Scum Of The Earth.” The song “Never Gonna Stop” is a tad weak for me and the single “Feel So Numb” is just ok. Others have said this album could have been much better and I’d pretty much say the same thing. It’s sort of half assed. Ozzy Osbourne sings on “Iron Head” but it’s still lacking something.

Comments: This is good for a few listens then after that it gets played out like fucking a fat chick.