The Scores:

The Cover

This is the first thing you see in a record store. Does the cover makes your nuts dance? Does it part your butt hair? Does it make sense? Does it relate to the CD title? That’s what we’ll let you know.

1 = Generic as fuck. Probably looks like a computer printout.

2 = This sucks. Who’s kidding who?

3 = Unoriginal and boring.

4 = Not quite average, but a little bit of thought went into it. A little.

5 = Since this is 5, that means it’s average stupid ass. What else would a 5 out of 10 mean?

6 = Decent.

7 = This is cool. It’s thought out and makes sense.

8 = This looks really good and professional.

9 = Almost perfect!

10 = A perfect cover. Probably contains nudity or something vulgar. We enjoy that shit. This is rare though.

The Booklet

Is their lyrics? Photos? Credits? Is it easy to read? Is there cool shit to look at? Here is how we’ll rate the booklets.

1 = A one page panel or something probably made by Perris Records.

2 = Probably some cheap, black & white crap not worth pissing on.

3 = The typical booklet a local band would do.

4 = Almost average, but not quite.

5 = Typical shit with lyrics, thanks, and maybe a photo.

6 = A bit above average, nothing too exciting, but not bad.

7 = Better than 6!

8 = Not as good as 9!

9 = A high quality booklet worth some money and thought put into it.

10 = A totally devestating booklet the probably features profanity, nudity, or all sorts of colorful shit. Well worth the price of the CD just to see. A Metal Sludge mention also gets an automatic 10.

The Songs

Probably the most important part of a CD, don’t you think?

1 = You’d rather have Mike Tyson punch you in the genitals repeatedly than listen to this piece of shit.

2 = If you were to try and sell this to a used CD store, they’d slap the lips off your face, belly-to-belly suplex you through 2 flaming tables covered in thumbtacks, twist both your nipples counter clockwise, and then give you a flying reverse upside down DDT into a barrel of broken glass.

3 = This is a CD you’ll hide from your friends so they don’t see it in your CD collection.

4 = Not worth buying, but if you can steal it, what the hell.  Use it for a beer coaster when you’re done listening to it.

5 = After a week of listening to this, you’ll get bored with it and move on.

6 = Good enough to listen to for a few weeks to a month.

7 = This is cool.

8 = The bomb diggity!

9 = You’ll probably play this again and again like a retard until your friends get really sick and tired of listening to it and break your CD player. 

10 = These albums will blow your face off and you’ll end up looking like Sloth from the Goonies.  Nuff said.

HOLLYWOOD UNDERGROUND (1996)  

by bastard boy floyd

Cover: 3 Pills out of 10. 

Not half bad.  At least not have bad for Jerry Dixon.  It shows a bunch of images of Hollywood.    Probably would have looked better if the cover included my picture.

Booklet: 3 Pills out of 10. 

Jerry put a little more effort into his CD booklet than Erik Turner. He at least lists the fucks who play on this bitch, but he still doesn’t say what songs they are on or when they were recorded.  If I’m going to pay $12 for a CD, I want all that stupid useless info.

Songs:  2 Pills out of 10.   

Some of these songs were written by all of the original Warrant except Jani.  That’s probably why the songs never made any albums.   Famous singers like the dude from Roxy Blue sings on a song or two, and so does Jesse Harte.  A total of 12 songs.

Comments: This was put out by Warrant’s Jerry Dixon.  Jerry did a better job of putting together his CD than Erik Turner did.  Worth a laugh or two if you can get this for free.   

---

MARVELOUS 3 – “Math And Other Problems” (1997)  

by Donna Anderson

Cover: 3 Southgangs Out Of 10. 

It’s just red with a picture of them.  Very low budget.  

Booklet: 6 Southgangs Out Of 10. 

Each song has a little summary as to what it’s about along with the lyrics.  Plus there are a few pictures.  

Songs:  9 Southgangs Out Of 10. 

The songs aren’t as catchy as “Hey Album,” and the lyrics are kind of goofy.  It’s like they write songs about everyday stuff.  One song is about being in line at a retail store and liking the chick that runs the cash register.  The last song on the album called “Katrina” about being stalked by a lesbian is great!  My favorite tracks are “Last Sleep” and “Katrina.”

Comments: Southgang, excuse me, I mean the Marvelous 3 have definitely progressed since they released this record.  But it might take you a few listens to get hooked on this CD.  At first, I wasn’t into it as much as the first one, but now, I listen to it all the time.  

---

POISON – “Crack A Smile” (1996)

by Jani Bon Neil

Cover: 5 Bandannas out of 10. 

Bret looks like Kid Rock on the cover.  This is only a promo cover though, so I have no idea what the real cover would have looked like.

Booklet: 4 Bandannas out of 10. 

There is no official booklet, just an inlay card, but as inlay cards go, this is pretty good.  It tells you what’s up and shit like that. 

Songs: 7 Bandannas out of 20. 

It also comes with 6 acoustic songs from MTV Unplugged from 1990.  Just what the world needs to hear, Poison acoustic.   The songs are much more typical Poison than their Native Tongue release, but a few songs do suck.

Comments: There’s a reason why this never got released.  But it’s better than Bret’s solo shit.  Plus you get the acoustic shit from MTV which has never been released before.  If your a big Poison fan, then you’ll probably want this. 

---

WARRANT – “86-96 Live” (1997)

by Jani Bon Neil

Cover: 2 Bobbie Brown’s out of 10. 

Very weak cover.  They must have been drunk when they decided on the cover.  It just says Warrant with some fucking lame design.  Helen Keller could have come up with something better.

Booklet: 7 Bobbie Brown’s out of 10. 

It shows lots of photos of Warrant back in the day when they all weighed under 150 pounds and still had their hair.  It also lists all their albums and tells you who played on what.  Pretty good, at least coming from these guys.

Songs: 7 Bobbie Brown’s out of 10. 

The reason being is that at least this is a live album.  No studio bullshit, this is a totally live recording.  Probably because Warrant can’t afford to go into the studio and do overdubs, but that’s besides the point!  You can easily tell the difference between a live album and a studio “live” album, because no studio album would let Jani sound like this.  It would have gotten a higher score, but they included live shit off Ultraphobic, so that automatically deducts a point.  Everything sounds good, missed notes and all.  

Comments:  If your a Warrant fan, there is no reason not to like this CD.  However, there aren’t many Warrant fans left, so that sucks for Warrant.  And unfortunately for Warrant, they released this on CMC, and it only sold like 70 copies or something.  This album had no advertising whatsoever, and there are still people out there that don’t even know Warrant released a live album.  That’s CMC for you.  Why couldn’t that have happened to Slaughter instead?