Metal Sludge The Power and the Glory
FREQUENTLY ASKED STUPID QUESTIONS
Updated, 3/5/03
We get emailed and asked all sorts of stupid ass questions every week. So we thought we’d finally put together some of our most Frequently Asked Stupid Questions and present it to the Sludge Army.
1. Who maintains the page? - Steven, Boston, MA.
Steven, your mom runs our page! She updates it every other day after she’s done cleaning the pubs out of bastard boy floyd’s shower drain.
Actually, the main page is mostly maintained by Jani Bon Neil and bastard boy floyd. At least all the little fine touches are. Think about it, would you want Ozzy Stillbourne in charge of that? However, when somebody like Ozzy, Donna, or Taime write a post (as if Taime actually writes), they sometimes post it themselves, or Jani or floyd will do it for them. If too many people run the main page though, it’ll look even more shitty than it does now, so basically Jani and floyd handle it. You don’t want too many cooks in the oven, or whatever that saying is.
2. Who runs the Gossip Board? - Gwen, Anahiem, CA.
Technically, EzBoard does. But the entire Metal Sludge staff has access to the controls of the board. Depending on what’s going on, any one of us can go in and work on it. When we post on the board, it’s always as Metalsludge. However, we’ll eventually register our own names and do it that way.
3. I’m from WFUK radio in Milkdud, Idaho, and we would like (insert Sludge staff member name here) to call into our morning show? Are you interested? - Big Daddy DJ Dickweed, Milkdud, ID.
No. We haven’t paid our phone bill in years so we don’t have service. You can email us questions if you like.
But please talk about us on the air and plug our Sludgendise.
4. Hey, I have a website and I want you to add it to your links section. Wanna trade banners? - Fred, Jacksonville, FL.
How does fuck off sound? Go check out our links section, do you see any banners??? That should answer your fucking question. We don’t have any fancy ass banners plugging anybody’s site. And if you wanna link us, that’s great, but that doesn’t mean we will be linking you. We only link sites that we think the Sludgeaholics might be into. We don’t have any criteria, but we know it when we see it.
5. Do you guys have a section where I can read your past 20 Questions? - Lars, San Francisco, CA.
Do you have a section of your brain that fucking works, Angela? Believe it or not, we get this question more than you would think. We’ll here’s the fucking answer…see where our 20 Questions section is listed on the front of the page? WELL CLICK THAT FUCKING LINK ASSHOLE!!!! Is that hard? Do we need to make you a map? You click the fucking link and it will take you to all the questions we have done. We never erase anything. Also, if you click the 20 Questions picture, it will also take you to the archive. And if you are truly stumped, we have a little thing called a SEARCH ENGINE! Please try to pay attention!
6. Can I call you guys? I’d like to talk with you about a few things. - Dana, Las Vegas, Nevada.
Oh sure, no problem! What we have done is start the Official Metal Sludge Hotline, where bastard boy floyd himself leaves a message! But there is a catch. We made the phone number a little game for you all to figure out. If you pay close attention, the number will be revealed in this story. The story is written by bastard boy floyd. Here it is:
ONE sludgeaholic was walking down Sunset Blvd and saw a homeless guy on the corner. The homeless guy said, “Hey, I have THREE nuts and TWO dicks, would you like to see them?” Upon closer inspection, the bum was actually Gerri Miller, so the sludgeaholic freaked out and ran THREE blocks away. He was now down by the Denny’s on Sunset and went inside. The waiter came over and said, “Welcome to Denny’s, my name is Jani, would you like to place an order.” The Sludgeaholic ordered NINE Grand Slams, cause our Sludgeaholic was fat as fuck and was hungry. Anyways, Jani said, “I wouldn’t get that, cause you’ll be shitting for SIX days straight, plus your almost fatter than I am.” Our fat friend said, “Fuck off frog boy, just because you only sold NINE copies of your last album is no reason to be bitter.” He got up and walked ONE block down to the Guitar Center. While he was there, he saw Mick Mars standing outside. Our Sludgeaholic went up to Mick to get an autograph, and Mick said, “Not today fat boy, it’s my birthday, I’m turning SEVENTY SIX“. Our fat Sludgeaholic smacked the wig off his head and went back towards the Coconut Teaser to see the Union show. However, once inside, he saw that Union had ZERO people inside, so he went outside and dropped dead of a heart attack. The end.
Figure it out and give the new Metal Sludge Hotline a Call!
7. Can I link your site? I think it’s great and would like to use your banner. Is that ok? - Tom, Dallas, TX.
Now why would we mind that? “No, whatever you do, don’t link us and promote our site!” Fuck yes you can link us! Feel free to use our banner and put it all over your webpage. Put it on your car and drive around town. Put our logo on the Goodyear Blimp. Get a Metal Sludge Tattoo on your back. We don’t care!
8. Every week you guys do a SludgeWire and it blows my mind how clever and creative you guys are. Each week it gets better and better! How do you guys do it? – Pamela, Malibu, CA.
You are correct Pam, we’re fucking geniuses. Here’s what we do, so take notes. Jani will go to the typical places we steal the news from and email it out to whoever is available to work on it. Once we get everybody’s stupid comments back, then bastard boy floyd or Jani Bon Neil will usually color code it so the Sludgeaholics know who said what. It’s that easy.
9. How do you guys come up with such brilliant 20 Questions? - Vince, Greenwich, CT.
Well Vinnie, it’s just like your girlfriend after 2 beers…easy as hell. Once some “metal star” agrees to do 20 Questions with us, we each send in as many questions as our feeble little minds can come up with. For some interview subjects, we’ll have 40 questions to choose from. For others, we’ll just barely be able to come up with 20. Once we have all the questions in, we just bitch and argue about what questions to ask. And not all of us are familiar with each interview subject. Some of us might not have a clue about a certain person, so another one of us will take over. It varies from interview to interview.
10. Donna, are those pictures on your page really you, and do you have anywhere I can see some photo of you? I need to jackoff. - Howard, New York, NY.
This by far is one of the stupidest questions we get. If any of you really think that:
A: Those pictures are really her,
and
B: She would actually tell you where to find photos of her,
then you need to send us about $1,500 cash and we’ll hook you up with her home phone number. Thanks!
11. What do you guys use to work on your webpage? I notice a lot of state-of-the-art effects, so you guys must really know your stuff. - Mike, Tempe, AZ.
Yes, that’s true, our page is very cutting edge. Sites are popping up all across the internet trying to copy our advanced design! We either use Front Page 2000 or Dreamweaver. Dreamweaver is the shit, but it’s sort of advanced for some of us at the page. Rikki Rockett uses Dreamweaver on his stuff, so he gave us some pointers.
12. Are your interviews real? - Geoff, London, England.
This is probably the most idiotic question we get asked, so thanks for asking it ya limey wanker. Yes, all our interviews are real! You think we’d make up interviews with Stefan Adika, Chris Van Dahl, and Kristy Krash Majors? Besides, go email anybody we’ve interviewed and they all will admit to doing 20 Questions. Now go have another Newcastle and watch the rain fall on your dismal little island.
13. Yo, I’m in a local band called ShittyPants and I want you guys to do 20 Questions with me. So send me some questions dude! – Roxy Sparkleballs, St. Paul, MN.
Why don’t you just settle down and pour yourself a nice warm cup of Shut The Fuck Up, ok?
We get this stupid question all the time. But here is what we will do. If you are in a local band and want to be interviewed, we won’t ask you 20 Questions, but we will ask you either 5 or 10 questions. You have to get your ass a record deal to get the full 20 Questions! But before you all start emailing us like a bunch of desperate pansies, there is a catch (you knew their had to be a catch!) Read closely.
What you have to do is send us a topless or nude picture of some chick. If it’s topless you get 5 questions, and full nudity will get you 10 questions. It can be a girlfriend, your mom, or even your grandma (cause we all know she’s a freak!) We have no age or weight limit either, so if the only chicks you know are fat Slaughter fans, then that’ll have to do. We always enjoy a good laugh. BUT don’t think you’re going to go to some newsgroup and snag some porno chicks picture! We’re onto you sneaky bastards!
The picture of the chick has to either:
A: In front of a computer monitor with Metal Sludge’s page in the background, or
B: Wearing a Metal Sludge shirt, tank top, or g-string panties.
And girls, don’t worry, the picture WILL NOT be shown on Metal Sludge, but it will be shown to all our friends! Also, you don’t have to show your face, just the goods. But you still need to follow the above criteria.
Any other nude pictures will be appreciated, but if they don’t have the above requirements, you ain’t getting interviewed! So if you’re some rock guy and you really need some press, you should have no problem in getting some slut to take her top off or to spread her legs for your ass to be interviewed. Shit, you already have her buying your groceries and clothes! She’ll do what you tell her to do!
14. Can I write for you guys? - Gerri, Hollywood, CA.
Well Ger, if you wanna write for us, first we need a sample. Don’t email us and ask us if you can write for us without sending us a sample. Send us your work and we’ll put it up in the SludgeHammer and let the Sludgeaholics vote on it. If the Sludgeaholics decide they like it, it gets posted. And maybe if we think you have what it takes, we’ll let ya write some shit. We do have a few freelance writers who send us their album reviews every so often, so that’s a good way to start. But you aren’t automatically going to be writing a SludgeWire or doing a column. You have to pay your dues first, bitch.
And if you even think about asking to get paid, you can pour yourself a nice bowl of dick and get a clue.
15. I love your 20 Questions, why don’t you interview (insert name here)? - Bob, Romeo, MI.
That’s because we purposefully don’t interview people that you want us to, Bob.
First of all, not every rock star has an email address, and that’s how we do our interviews, through email. If you tell us to interview Mick Mars and Mick isn’t online, then we aren’t going to get an interview. Very rarely we will go through a manager if the certain “rock star” isn’t online.
Before you email us your request, check out our list of Pussies who have turned us down. Believe it or not, sometimes we do get turned down and the person you are asking about might be on that list. If you do wanna suggest a “rock star”, at least give us an email address or some way of contacting the person.
And if you are a “rock star” reading this and you haven’t done 20 Questions, what’s your fucking problem??
16. What is your problem with Gerri Miller? - Jenny M, Chicago, IL.
We’d like to thank Gerri Miller for being a stuck up bitch, cause if it wasn’t for her, we wouldn’t be here! We owe it all to her. If you’d like more info on Scary Gerri and our past with her, read Ozzy Stillbourne’s “Inside Gerri Miller’s Mind” as well as his Idiots Of The Web. Or read this interview Gerri did with a Sludgeaholic! That should explain everything you need to know.
17. Wha is youre probablem with Slaughtr? I like them lot an I think u gys are meanie monsters? wha givves..!? – Missy, Shady Oaks Trailer Park, AK.
Well minimum wager, it’s simple. Go read our “Inner Circle” 20 Questions and that should explain it all. Or type in Slaughter in our Search Engine and see what you find. By the way, go buy a fucking dictionary.
18. I work for a magazine and would like to take some comments from your site. Is that ok? - Hugh, Holmby Hills, CA.
Of course! We’ve had a few publications borrow our material, but just be sure to give us credit for it. Mention Metal Sludge and link us at www.metal-sludge.com. Don’t be like Classic Rock Magazine and steal our quotes without giving us credit. That’s gay.
19. Hey, the page hasn’t been updated in 2 days! What the fuck? You guys are getting lazy! - Lama Namaneumi, Tokyo, Japan
Well my rice eating friend, that’s because we don’t get paid for this shit. It’s purely a hobby. Oh sure, we might sell a shirt or two, but it’s not like any of you are paying to come to this site. It’s free and open to the public, just like your dad’s ass was in the Navy. Back in October of 98, the page didn’t get updated for like 5 days! But we’ll always try to update the page every couple of days. Metal Sludge is still updated more than 99% of the other rock sites out there, so relax. We’re not going anywhere. And in the meantime, go read our old shit!
20. I just ordered a Metal Sludge shirt yesterday and it hasn’t arrived yet? When can I expect my order? - Carmen, Dayton, OH.
All our orders generally get sent out within 24 hours of receiving it, but sometimes shit happens. Now we might have control over the rock scene, but we have no control over the United Postal Service. And think about this, if you order stuff from most places it takes weeks to arrive. If you order stuff from Bret Michaels’ Fan Club it’ll probably take years! We’re still fast as fuck, but we can’t control when the order arrives! So now all orders will arrive between 2 to 4 weeks. Also, if you live in the middle of Africa in some tribe, chances are your order might take a little longer to arrive for obvious reasons!
If you don’t like it, then don’t order a shirt. If you’re going to bitch about how long your order takes, then we don’t want your money. Save your money and use it to buy crack then. In other words, your shirt will arrive when it arrives. Thanks.
21. I have tons of cash I want to send you. Where should I send it? - Donald, Atlantic City, NJ
We get questions like this too. “Hey, I have a CD, magazine, video, etc, I want to send you. Where can I send it?” Well if you’d pay fucking attention, you’d see our address on the FRONT OF OUR PAGE! And guess what…if you actually click the title that says CONTACT US on the front page, that’ll also give us our contact info! Imagine that!
22. I’d love to be a Sludgeaholic Of The Month! How do I become one? - Russ, Toronto, CAN.
Now that you mention it Russ, we’ve never had a Canadian Sludgeaholic Of The Month. And we probably won’t.
This is another question that is answered on the page but people are too stupid to figure it out. In both our Sludgeaholic & Sludgette Of The Month section, we mention how you can become a SOTM of the month. So if you have to email us to ask how to become one, you automatically won’t become one. Thanks for being stupid.
23. Can you give me the email address of (insert rock star here) because I just got knocked up and he’s the father of my baby. - Bobbie, Lafayette, LA.
No. We keep all the rock star email address we get to ourselves, unless of course you want to slip us some cash, then we can talk.
24. Have you guys ever seen the Mad Magazine parody called Metal Sludge? - Sonny, Miami, FL.
No, we never have. We have no idea what you are talking about. In fact, we’ve never even heard of Mad Magazine. What’s that?
Actually, the Mad Magazine parody they did back around 1989 rips us off! Even though we didn’t launch this site until 1998, Mad Magazine went into the future, saw our site, and then did a parody of it back in 1989. Thanks for writing.
25. Why don’t you have a Metal Sludge Extravaganza in my shitty little one horse town? – Britney, Kentwood, LA.
We’ll have a Metal Sludge Extravaganza anywhere, but first you need a promoter or a club to email us? If somebody wants to do it, have them email us and we’ll go over the details with them.
More Questions To Come.
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