Jizzy Pearl, likes REAL WORLD, or at least watches it.

       Here is just two minutes of Real World Las Vegas –me, on the couch with a pad and pen, taking dictation…

“Like, will you do me a favor and kick this girl out?”

“Like, tell me what to do?”

“I don’t want there to be, like, some tension…”

“I wanna know, like, where we stand…”

“That’s literally, like, what he does…”

“No, but like, ewwww…”

        Just two minutes. I couldn’t stand it. Can we, as humans STOP SAYING LIKE? We all do it, not just the insipid morons of Real World, WE ALL do it. I hear it at the airport, sitting there listening to what seem like reasonably intelligent people conversing like pre-teen Britney Spears. Adults. Businessmen. It boggles the mind. I’m not saying I’m not guilty of it, I’m TOTALLY guilty of it.  And that’s what freaks me out the most. I do believe we’ve all been exposed to some secret government-created virus that forces us to express ourselves like Snooki. I have tried to curb the habit, God knows I’ve tried. I made a New Years resolution to stop saying likeand its hard, so fucking hard. I imagine quitting heroin is easier. Annoying as your favorite dog farting or someone jiggling the change in their pocket or how old people make that lip-smack sound every other word like they just ate a sour gummy. It sucks it sucks IT SUCKS—and I can’t stand it anymore. I’VE HAD IT! If I say like in an interview I wanna stop the interview and say ‘FUCK!’ but I just keep on going because the fact that I’ve inserted like where like should never have been doesn’t really matter because the likes are flooding the earth, they’re coating the ocean in a brown film of ugly ass likes the likes of which we have never seen. What happened to good English? Remember debate club? Whatever happened to orators like Cicero, Clarence Darrow or Carrot-top?

        Back in the 80’s Frank Zappa wrote a song called Valley Girl and now we ALL TALK like Valley Girls, we are all Moon Units—what has reduced us to talking like 15 year olds…? Lazy? Are we dumber than before? I am going to treatment, Likers Anonymous, the 12 steps are a little different but the end result is the same, I wanna stay clean. I didn’t just get stoned all through high school, I learned English…didn’t I?

        And here’s the best part, you’re probably not even aware that you do it, you think EVERYONE ELSE does it. We all think we talk good like we all think we drive drunk good. And that we’re all great in bed, and our breath never stinks…more fairy tales.  And everyone doesn’t say like 14 times in a sentence like a parrot with Tarett’s. Here’s the test, try to stop. Make a conscious effort to stop saying like and see how hard it is. You—can’t—stop—saying—like. And now that you’re trying not to do it you’ll find yourself 10 times more aware of everyone around you doing it. Your friends, your Loved ones, THE WORLD…

        I know I sound pissy, I know it. And I don’t expect you to jump to my Tune. But as a writer and a listener I feel I need earplugs to shut out the Journal of our Times. I watched Real World Vegas and I don’t fancy this is MY Vegas, this is a world of twits and shallow vacuous Beings, they drink they fuck and they fight so sponsors can sell zit cream and hair gel. They dirty dance and eat each other’s ass and act the Right Fool for OUR PLEASURE. We do not judge, we just watch like Peeping Toms through a darkened window, unseen, excited, impressed. It’s the creepy New World Order at work—Booze it up and stick it in before Uncle Sam picks your pockets and drafts your kids to fight for oil and gas and sassafras.

  The drunker we get the more we don’t give a fuck…am I, like, getting through to you?

Jizzy Pearl

For more on Mr. Like go HERE