Metal Sludge The Power and the Glory
Jizzy Pearl wants Serious Rock – NOT Ratt or LA Guns!
Jizzy Pearl in a classic shot!
I want serious rock! None of that pussy glam fag shit I want some serious rock! None of that pussy faggot L.A. Guns Tuff Revlon Red Lipstick bullshit I want SERIOUS ROCK!
Serious rock. Does anyone really know what that is? Is it Rush? Dire Straits? I’m guessing it isn’t anyone from MY era, no G’n’R, LAG, L/H, Danger x2, Britney Fox Vikki Foxx or Foxxy Roxx. Our rock isn’t seriousso I guess we’re relegated to being frivolous, happy go lucky rock, ain’t nothin’ but a good time rock and/or roll. Love/Hate wasn’t serious, all we did was write songs about pot and beer. And occasionally pussy, or gash in the parlance of our times. Then there’s Sex Action Rip n Tear and Bitch is Back…hmmm not very serious either. Poison? Serious? Nope. RATT? Nah…not a very serious time and not a very serious bunch o’ bands. Right?
What then is serious rock? Look no further than Blabbermouth. On any given day behold 10 bands no one’s ever heard of, bands with such names as Eyecryticon, Angaal Gorgroth (Really?), the Dripping Claws of Endor (I made this one up) I’m sure they’re all very good, I’m sure they practice 6 nights a week 4 hours a night, down-picking every note. There’s more double bass in one of their songs than in my ENTIRE musical catalog, but… are their A chords any more serious that MY A chords? It’s all the same notes. “Play faster…faster…” says the guy in Reefer Madness. And play faster they do. And with all of them making the Blackie Lawless Face, the Shrieking Berserker face, or the Undead face, I can’t make up my mind–who’s the shreddiest shredder? Who is Shredivarius?
I had an experience at Hard Rock Hell this last December. We played there along with the college roster of Euro Rock bands, thrash metal, speed metal, death metal, death speed metal, speed thrash Goth metal, death speed Goth black dripping blood metal…and so on. As I exited the cafeteria I saw a very serious band sound checking so I decided to watch, I wanted to know what made THEM more serious than me. Several Vikings, heads down, hair flowing, playing a thousand notes a second. Yes they played faster and I daresay better than I could, all the A notes in tight little clusters but where’s the Love? It sounded like heavy metal Bonanza to me, soulless Grok Rock fueled by testosterone and strong mead. Hail Valhalla and all that shit.
As I watched their sound check I casually turned and spoke to one of my friends and was summarily ‘shushed’ by someone next to me.
“They do the sound check, “She said firmly in broken English, “You talk later.”
Ouch, scolded. Even sound check is sacrosanct when you’re this serious. God forbid I speak and screw up one of their double kick quads; someone could get hurt. It seemed to be going well until the singer grabbed the mic and shouted out those immortal words–
“I WILL TAKE THE RING TO MORDOR!”
Mordor? MORDOR? I was robbed, tricked, I totally gave your band the benefit of the doubt and you give me Mordor? You Trans-Siberian goofball! I started to laugh, I couldn’t help it—which increased the hatred of those around me, men and boys eager to join this Dorkish Fellowship but unfortunately had no sense of humor. Heads turned, hair stopped flowing, I was not of the Body—I sang about stupid frivolous things like chicks and havin’ fun, not important things like Frodo and the Shire. Thor’s hammer was a comin’ down so I split.
Serious rockers, don’t be so serious. Music is supposed to be FUN, escape, release from all the horrible things that Life shits out at you. Music doesn’t need a message, in fact I prefer that it doesn’t have a message. Yes there are better bands than others, yes Rush shits on Georgia Satellites musically, yes Dream Theatre shits on drunken Lynrd Skynrd but so what? As Rodney King said right after they beat him to a bloody pulp, can’t we all just get along?
My brother and I used to share adjoining bedrooms and every day we did do righteous joust in Music Wars. He opened with Rush 2112, I countered with Achilles Last Stand, he played Passage to Bangkok and I answered with Sweet Leaf, he played side one of Hemispheres and I played my trump card, I played KASHMIR which beats ALL, beats Dylan beats Aangal Gorgroth and U2. Nobody beats the Old K. And yes I know that Led Zeppelin stole all of their shit but Goddamn it NOBODY STOLE BETTER. Music is like an intricate Russian doll, many variations and many colors. There’s plenty of enjoyment to be had, play your music, drink a beer and RELAX, just don’t suck or your suck-i-ness will live forever on Youtube and you’ll be forced to change your name from Jism to Jim.
P.S.—just a reminder, you can support the Arts, for only 8 bucks you can own a Jizzy book—some guidelines
If you fancy yourself a poet purchase –I GOT MORE CRICKETS THAN FRIENDS
For the budding Dylan Thomas or Marlo Thomas
If you’re a fan of the gorier splatter prose purchase ANGST FOR THE MEMORIES
Some of these stories will give you nightmares—also good to read while you poop
If you like real short story fiction purchase UNHAPPY ENDINGS
Good well written stuff—also plenty of sex drugs and rock n roll for the Unholy Creep in all of us…thanks guys Amazon.com– keyword JIZZY
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