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Ask the Stars 17 – Ette & Jim Bob Dwarf!

 

Ask the Stars!

with…


January 2002 Sludgette of the Month
Ette &
2001 Sludgeaholic of the Year Jim Bob Dwarf!

For our August 2005 edition of Ask the Stars, we were supposed to have Black Sabbath’s Tony Iommi and Geezer Butler, but they bailed on us. So look who we got instead! That’s right, none other than January 2002 Sludgette of the month Ette and 2001 Sludgeaholic of the Year, Mr. Jim Bob Dwarf! We’re not sure where these guys have been hiding lately, but we dug them up and here they are to meter out advice to their fellow Sludgeaholics. Let’s get to it!


Dear Metal Sludge star(s),

I’m a typical 23 year old girl, 5’2″ and about 150 lbs. I think I’m average but my friends say I’m too fat and that’s why no guys date me, ask for my number and so on. I had a boyfriend for about 2 years, he was over weight as well.

Then he went on some serious diet, lost 80+ lbs and broke up with me. Adidas Superstar Dames He looks great and has a newer girlfriend who he would’ve never gotten before. What can I do to lose this weight?

Iris
Cedar Rapids

Let me start by saying that I think your friends sound like assholes.

EtteMoving on, this reminds me of the time when my friend TCR and I were having dinner with SOTM Soichi in LA at the Rainbow. We were talking about how much fatter Americans are than the Japanese, as we were discussing this Soichi was picking at his food as my friend and I were gourging down cheese sticks as if the guys from Bowling for soup were going to come in and raid our table at any moment.

TCR and I looked at each other with mozzarella sauce dripping down our chins realizing what pigs we were.

My advice? Moderation. Don’t buy into all of these diets like Atkins and all of that bullshit. Just excersise regularly and eat SMALL PORTIONS of healthy foods when you get the munchies.

Unless you’re at the Rainbow eating their cheese sticks, actually they’re like cheese squares.

God, that sounds really good right now.

Iris baby,

Do you have dough? If so, stop eating it!

No, seriously, if you can afford it, first consult with a dietician/nutritionist, and perhaps join a gym where they have a personal trainer to oversee an exercise program and to help guide you through a safe, effective workout regiment. If you?re shy about going to a gym, and if you can afford to spend the dough, look into some home equipment or even a personal trainer who will come by a few times a week and yell at you until you?re in shape. The more drill instructor-like, the better.

After all, fear is a good motivator.

If you can?t afford it, then go read through the Ask the Stars archive and see what other ?stars? have advised. This is a question that pops up every time, and I?m fucking fresh out of ideas.

Hope this helps.


Dear Stars,

Is it normal for the “inside” of my penis to itch?

Thanks,
Joe

Have you ever thought about jamming a pipe cleaner up your urethra?

It’s what all the “hip” kids are doing these days.

Jim Bob DwarfEtte, you?re disgusting. Don?t listen to her Joe.

I guess the question is, what have you been sticking your pee-pee into? A man?s cock-hole is like an inner sanctum, and you have to be careful not to get something in there that will fester and mutate. Maglie Sacramento Kings Who knows what can evolve in there. For example, don?t go sticking your cock in people?s buttholes without at least some kind of protection or plan. You never know what kind of shit you can get in there. And never, never jack off in the shower with soap! I?ve made that mistake a time or two.

Did I really just admit that?

Anyway, I?ve heard the advice that it?s healthy to piss after having any kind of sexual activity. It flushes out the urethra and kills the germs. But I?m no expert. Talk to a family doctor ? they might just refer you to a Urologist, but that?s the place to start.

Did you just call it a “Pee-pee?”.. BAHAHAHAHAHA!


Dear Star(s),

I am a 21 year old male that lives in the great state of Washington. I recently met a girl online and began talking to her. I found out she was only 15 and decided to stop talking to her. Well she kept bugging the crap out of me and asked if we could meet. adidas scarpe So I caved in a said yes and met her. She was with a friend and half way through the night the friend left and the 15 year old came on to me. I ended up sleeping with her even though I did not plan to. In Washington the age of consent is 16 and now I’m kind of scared that her parents might decide to press charges since I guess they found out. What should I do? Should I high tail it to Mexico or stick around and deal with the consequences?

Thinking about running with the Devil

Hi Tripp, glad to see that they’re letting you go online now.

Hey man,

I don?t know what to tell you. Some 15 year old chicks may look mature, but they have a LOT of growing up to do. Chaussures Under Armour Pas Cher Do you really want to deal with those little girl giggles? The difference between a 15 year old a 21 year old is astounding. Now, if you wait a few years, and she?s 25 and you?re 31, then that?s different. But for now, it?s not worth statutory rape and it?s definitely not worth those giggles. Let her grow up first. Go on a MILF hunt instead; you?ll be rocking the world of some chick in her late 30s and she probably will end up dropping some coin on you too. It?s definitely safer. Good luck!


Hey,

My step-mom is total crack whore and really mean to me. She won?t let me see my Dad. Should I kick her ass or something?

Rock on!
Shirl

Is she blocking you from going to the other side of the trailer or what? Just kick her in the piss flaps and tell her to get the fuck out of your way. Or you can try another method and call CPS on her. (Assuming that you’re not some 40 year old still living with your folks) Good luck with that.

How the fuck old are you? If you?re a child, then what are you doing on this site? But if that?s the case, tell someone at school you?re having home problems. Someone like the school counselor, the principal, a trusted teacher. Fuck, even the lunch lady with the plastic gloves and hairnet can intervene.

If you?re an older teen, then it?s time to stop fucking around. Emancipate yourself! Go through the phone book and look under ?attorneys.? Find a firm that specializes in family law. Most attorneys provide at least a free initial consultation. The law is on your side with this one, so make use of it. Or, simply call the police and report your mom. air max pas cher Shitty, but it?s your best interest you should have in mind, not hers. Maybe she?ll get some help.

And if you?re an adult, then stop bitching about it! Move out and get a job. Jeez-o-pete.


Dear Sludge Rockers,

I just turned 18 and met this hot guy who is 41. I look 14 and he looks 25, we have great sex but I feel like he’s using me. He buys me lunch, gets cheap motel rooms and even puts gas in my junky car as he drives off in his newer model SUV. He has kids and only wants to fuck around during the day. Brandon Belt Authentic Jersey I just graduated and he even use to pick me up after school for a 3 o’clock quickie. I think I’m falling in love with him, but I know he’s in a more mature situation at home with his family. What should I do with this old perverted geezer?

Juliette
Northridge, CA

Been there done that. I was 18 he was 34. adidas italia Was in a relationship from hell for 6 1/2 years with this miserable piece of fuck. My advice is to RUN.. run as fast as you can or before you know it you’re going to be single at 27, sitting at a desk eating ding dongs feeling your ass expand while answering stupid fucking questions for some website’s advice column. Don’t lose the best years of your life being strapped down to some dude having a mid life crisis wanting to use you because he has major issues. I mean, come on.. You’re boning a guy that drives an SUV? Pfft.

You?re 18, an age of sexual liberation that you only go through once in life. Nike Air Max 1 męskie Człrne Why deal with some old guy with a nasty ball-bag hanging down? You should see if he has any younger friends and then bang all of them. No one over the age of 33 though, ?cause that?s just creepy.


Dear Sludge star people,

Not to toot my own horn, but I?m a rather skilled greenhouse builder. I?ve been building greenhouses, solariums, sunrooms, and shit like that for many, many years and have quite an extensive repertoire. I do foundation work, frame building, glass cutting, heating and insulation, and know a lot about landscape, horticulture, interior design, and crap like that. I?m not being conceited but I know that I wear many hats, have extensive training in multiple areas of my field, and I definitely know my shit.

Anyhow, let me get to the point so as not to make this too long-winded. I have an acquaintance that owns a greenhouse company. Awhile back, something went down with his main greenhouse builder and he got rid of him. He was in a bind I guess and he asked if I could help him out for awhile while he got his shit together. I was a little wary but said sure, I?d help out. He said he?d compensate me and everything, so it would be worth my while.

So I managed the day to day operations of his greenhouse company, and a week grew into a month, and a month grew into many months, and by that point I was more or less doing everything for him. He did promise compensation but his finances were tied up with another matter and he said he?d take care of me when it was all worked out. But during this time all the greenhouse building responsibility fell onto my shoulders and not only was I taking on more and more tasks, but he was really hard to work with and he flipped out and even screamed at me on more than several occasions. The screaming actually became quite commonplace.

Now I?m afraid many months is going to turn into many years and I can?t see myself doing this any longer. I don?t want to let my acquaintance down but now I?m starting to really feel taken advantage of, especially since I haven?t been getting paid and I have a full time job building greenhouses for another company that pays me well. I know if I just up and quit he?s going to be in a huge bind, but I?m at my wit?s end. What should I do?

Signed,

Mr. Green in da House

Honestly, I think you should think about both of you and get out of the situation. You’re obviously distraught over it. Give appropriate notice and be up-front with your acquaintance, letting him know exactly the reason/s why you don’t want to be involved anymore. Get everything out in the open between you both so there’s no hard feelings about anything, otherwise you’re going to keep on doing what you’re doing and it’ll be like Rick Allen rowing a boat… You’ll just keep going around and around in circles dude. And with that (especially if he’s yelling at you and shit) you’re going to build resentment, and you don’t want that. You’re already recognizing the signs that you have to nip this in the ass before it gets out of control. That’s a good start.

What are you, fucking stupid? Get a grip! Fuck yeah you?ve been taken advantage of! It?s one thing to lend a helping hand, but believe me you, it doesn?t take long for people to peg you for an easily-manipulated sucker and take advantage of your generosity. I mean, look at the facts. You?re busting your ass for what, several hours a day every day of the week ? WITHOUT PAY ? and you?re getting screamed at? That?s not a friend. That?s a bully who?s playing on your emotions and conning you into working for free! Look at the big picture and see the facts. Soldes Chaussures Nike Your skills, talents, and good nature are being abused.

You have every right to walk. If you?re worried about unhappy clients, unfinished projects, or being implicated if there?s a problem with one of those greenhouses down the road, the safest thing is to get something on paper. A contract, or something just to show that you?re not liable anymore after a certain date. This is also the route to go if you have any desire to ever see any coin. My advice? Start with a local law firm that specializes in contract dispute and business law. Talk to someone about your options, and go from there. The law is there to protect you, and it?s better to be safe than sorry. adidas stan smith pas cher

Hopefully you can chalk this one up to experience and learn how to watch out for con artists in the future. Good luck! And don?t be a sucker.


Hi.

I could use some help. I?m dating a married guy and I don?t really know what to do. You see, we have a great relationship and really care about each other. And he and his wife are about to legally separate. None of my friends approve of me seeing him. In fact, one of my best friends has stopped talking to me entirely. I know things with my guy will work out in the end, but I?m really tired of my friends telling me that what I?m doing is wrong. What do you think I should do? My friends mean the world to me, but so does my guy. I don?t want to lose any of them.

Got any suggestions?
Thanks,
A.W.

If none of your friends approve of this guy then step back and try to look at it from their perspective. Check this out..

You’re front and center at a rock show and your friends are way out by the soundboard. You’re buzzin’ on aquanet and fog machine fumes (no, Anthony Focx isn’t there) and you’re thinking this is the greatest thing you’ve ever seen. You’re having a blast rocking out up close thinking this is the shit, while your friends are standing back horrified as the lead singer forgets the lyrics because he’s glaring at the lead guitarist who’s ready to stomp a mud hole in his ass, the drummer’s playing like he’s the reincarnate of Hellen Keller, the other guitarist is puking off the side of the stage and the roadie’s not doing shit about it because he’s too busy snorting coke off of a road case. All the while you’re in complete ignorant bliss because your face is stuffed up in the bass players ballbag so close that you can’t see anything that’s really going on.

What?

Some guys say they?re separating or they intend to separate from their spouse, but they?re really full of shit because they?re happy as fuck to be getting some on the side. If you guys want to be fuck-friends, that?s fine, but if you?re making serious plans for the future, then you?d better make sure that this guy?s spouse is out of the picture first. Otherwise, you?re messing with someone else?s life and could ruin their world if they found out. So you?d best back off until they have those divorce papers in hand. Then you can fuck like monkeys on the garage floor without any regard. Which you?re probably doing anyway. I?m just being a moralist here I guess. Nevermind.


dear star, i am addicted to bing umm Lotto. i hit for a huge fortune (500 bucks!) that was five years ago and mom says the bin eer lotto money ran out years ago. 500 bucks? Come on is this bitch wack or what? should i move in with my net girl or stay with mom and hope for more bin umm lotto winnings?

gooch

I think you should slap your mom for naming you after something that separates your balls from your asshole.

I thought that was a ?taint?? But what the fuck do I know. After all, I?m from Indiana.

?Taint’s? probably his sisters name.


Dear Ask the Stars,

My boyfriend wants to take me on a hot air balloon ride for my birthday, but I?m deathly afraid of heights. How do I politely decline?

Thank you!

Scared in Scranton

How many hot air balloon accidents have you ever heard of? Go on a balloon ride with the guy, hey you can even get freaky while you’re up in the air. Permitted, the guy working the balloon turns around or something first. Or not. Whatever.

One word: Valium! Or some kind of heavy duty tranquilizer. Shit, you don?t even have to get in the gondola. Just stay on the ground and flyyyyyy awaaaaaaaayyyyyy.


Hi,

Several years back a friend and I created a comic book series. He did the artwork and I did the storylines and wrote for all the characters that we created. Anyhow, we had a falling out, he pushed me out of the company, and now he?s got someone else to write for those characters. It?s not that they?re terrible, but they?re definitely not the same. I know I?m not involved anymore, but I feel like the fans are being cheated because the characters don?t have the same ?voices? that they used to. Should I get a voodoo doll of the new person writing for my characters and poke pins in its crotch?

Signed,

Pissed in Parsippany

What you really need to ask is.. “What would Lemmy do?”

I think Lemmy would just go and beat the guy?s ass. Womens Nike Basketball Shoes

But since you?re so into voodoo, why stop with pins? Mangle all of its extremities in an in-sink garbage disposal, burn the torso on a gas range until its charred and black, and then flush it out to sea. That?s a proper, indelicate thing to do to a voodoo doll. Make the bastard suffer good.

Not bastard boy floyd, of course. He?s cool.

Ok then.


Dear Star,

This three legged cat was hanging around my house for weeks and meowing at night. I started feeding it and finally took it in. A few weeks have gone by and I?ve started to notice similarities between this frisky feline and my deceased fianc?e, who passed away a few years ago. Sometimes I talk to the cat as if it were her to see if I can get a response. And I really do think it?s her! There?s many identical personality traits, as well as the fact that she was also missing a limb. Do you think reincarnation?s real? Could this even be possible? Oh yeah, I haven?t made a move yet. I don?t want to move too fast. Should I ask her to marry me?

Thanks,

Hector Florez

Are you for real or what? What were the similarities? Did your ex lick her own snatch? Did she purr? Are you into some type of litter box shit, Axl? What the fuck is wrong with you?

Well, I just happen to know a 3-legged cat and his name is Fred. He whines a lot and frequently falls down, but he?s a lot of fun to watch.

I just asked him if he believes in reincarnation, and he horked up a hairball.

So there?s your answer, I guess. Straight from a 3-legged cat?s esophagus.


Dear Rock Star(s)…

My leg just fell asleep, and I have an itch there like you have no idea. Should I wait until it awakens to scratch it? But by that time it might be gone. Or should I scratch it now even though I probably won’t feel it. What do you recommend?

Gary

How do you know it itches if you can’t feel it? Wow, that’s deep.

That?s a perfect time to get a tattoo! Fuck going to an artist. Give yourself one with an ink pen and a sharpened paper clip like they do in prison. I hear Swastikas are making a big comeback these days in cell block B.

I think it should be a portrait of Patrick Duffy ya know? Cause how many people can say that they have a portrait of Patrick Duffy on their leg?


dear star, i used to be really cool, but now im kind of a dick. what should i do?

a.j.

First off, quit treating the promoters and the opening bands like shit. Second, get rid of the stupid fucking mic stand, you don’t need it. Third, go take a nice refreshing dip in a burning lake of cock for a while. Make sure to swim with your mouth open. Oh, and tell Darrell I said hi.

Speaking of Darrell, I recently saw him on the LA Guns bus after the W.A.S.P. show in Chicago. He had a few choice things to say about someone else I know. But he did tell me to say hello to you, Ette! I heard he hates soup.

Yeah, cause it’s murky and it’s got shit floating around in it. He doesn’t like hot dogs or eggs either. Can’t blame him about the hot dogs though, it’s all pig lips and assholes, and that’s pretty gross.

Who doesn’t like eggs!? That’s fucked up. But again, I digress…


Dear Rock Star du jour,

What is your viewpoint on drug use?

I am a firm believer in RESPONSIBLE recreational use, and believe all drugs have the capacity to cause major problems, but I also believe that all drugs can be used responsibly and safely (as safely as possible; obviously no drug is entirely safe). I think it’s sick and wrong that programs like D.A.R.E. and the like are spreading half-truths and whole lies about drugs; things like that only result in more drug-related crime and deaths/injuries. I believe we should legalize drugs, spread the full truth, and be less condemning in our attitudes towards users because it’s not helping anyone. I’m curious how you feel about this.

Also, I’m a female in her mid-twenties always looking for someone to party or just hang with and the East Coast is boring. Help a sister out.

Regards,
Sugar

I’m going to be serious about this one. I’m mixed about this topic because I hate drugs with a passion. I don’t think the word “responsible” or “recreational” is in an addicts vocabulary and that’s what we’d have to worry about in this situation. We also have to think about what drugs we’re talking about here. Parajumpers Homme If it’s pot, no problem, I definitely think it should be legal, it has medicinal qualities and it doesn’t turn you into a total psychopath.

Crack? Heroin? For one, the government will NEVER make it legal. (Check out Chris Rocks HBO Special: Never Scared. He makes some great points regarding this issue.) It also wouldn’t have mattered if it was legal or not to me when I was 4 years old and walked in on my parents in the bathroom shooting up and nodding off. My parents relationship with drugs when I was a kid really fucked me up. ADIDAS ULTRA BOOST

Legalizing drugs might make sense to the rational person but addicts aren’t rational. Even if drugs were legal, it doesn’t mean they are free of charge, and when you’re hooked on something but you don’t have the money for it, it makes you a desperate person willing to do anything to get your fix and then we’re in the same boat all over again aren’t we?

Money is legal yet banks still get robbed. Drug charges would drop but robbery assault and murder would probably go up. Not to mention every fucking person and their mother would be selling the shit cut with God knows what just to make a buck.

My substance-experimenting days are long over. I pretty much stick to the standards of fancy microbrews or imports and the ever-trusty kind bud. Even my friends on the narcotics squad at the local PD agree that they feel like tools when they bust someone with a big happy blunt. Their goal is to keep the hard stuff out of the elementary and middle schools. People can fuck up their own lives when they?re adults, but kids need to be kids before they have any reason to indulge in any kind of controlled substance. I couldn?t feel more strongly about that.


Dear Star,

My boss has been sending me some really gross e-mails of a sexual nature. At first I thought it was just his sense of humor, but now I?m not sure. It keeps happening and is getting worse and worse. He says some really foul stuff. I?ve asked him to knock it off but it keeps happening and frankly, it weirds me out. How do you think I should handle it? And does it matter if I?m a guy?

Signed,

Harassed in Harrisburg

I think you should quit being so stand-offish and just take one for the team.

Don?t be a wuss! How much do you like your job? If it sucks anyway, you can tell him to fuck off and maybe kick his ass in front of all your co-workers. That would be the manly thing to do.

But if you do like your job and want to keep it, then start complaining up the ladder. If your boss has a supervisor, go to him. If not, try the Human Resources department. If your workplace doesn?t have an HR Dept., then go to the CEO. If your boss IS the CEO, then you can go to the board of directors. And if you don?t have that, then yet again, this is a situation in which having a legal representative on your side can make all the difference in the world. Find someone who deals with harassment of this nature and ask them what your options are. The law is on your side, my friend. May the Sludge be with you.


Hi,

I have such a hard time meeting guys and I don’t know why. I am an attractive woman, nice body and good personality, however, whenever I am out at a bar or what not, hardly any good looking guys approach me and I don’t understand why. It seems the only guys who do approach are the ones that are not very physically appealing. I am above average, but I see the “hot” guys hitting on girls that are less attractive than me. What am I doing wrong?

signed,

Ette and Jim BobOverlooked in NJ

Maybe the girls that you view as being “less attractive” put off a more confident attitude than you and that is what’s actually attracting the guys? Or maybe some guys are just intimidated by really attractive women? Or could it be that the butterfaces just give a better blow job than you because they’re not all caught up in how “attractive” they think they are? Who knows.

I definitely don?t speak for ALL the guys out there. But, sometimes stunningly attractive women are a little too intimidating for even the most attractive men. And the so-so guys figure they have nothing to lose, and if you?re looking available, they might as well give it a shot. So if you feel like you?re not approachable, you probably aren?t coming off that way either.

Perhaps the best way to counter this is to simply make the first move. Some guys even like that! You don?t necessarily have to walk up to someone and start sucking them off, though that would be cool. If you have as good a personality as you claim, you should have no problem making connections. And if all else fails, you can always resort to the sucking-off thing.


I am a actor in a play that was on the verge of becoming ‘the next big thing.’ I had heard that the producer of the play was coming out to New York for business and I wanted to have a meeting with him. My manager said not to do this,, but fuck my manager, I know whats best for me. Needless to say I took the meeting with the producer without my manager present, and told him my ideas for the play. The producer wasnt happy about the direction I wanted to take the play but I told the producer to ‘fuck off’ and that we knew what we were doing. NIKE ROSHE TWO

The next day the play was cancelled and taken off Broadway and my career has been a mess ever since. Im now way past my prime but still trying to hold on to the dream. What would be your advice to restart my career?

Broke on Broadway

I think you should reform Skid Row before I’m scooting around in a “rascal” trying to remember where the fuck I put my teeth. You guys know it’s inevitable. Be like Mike… Just do it.

Fuck, reinvent yourself! Don?t wallow in the past. You could always do the bitter and jaded thing and start your own theatre production company, but here?s another idea: start your own publication! Broadway productions can be made or broken simply by the reviews they get, so no one can be more powerful or intimidating than the press. Maybe you can get a bunch of friends to do all the work for you and you can take all the credit too! But screw it up and you can wind up being the laughing stock of the whole industry. The choice is yours!


Help! I?m starting to get man-boobs. Air Jordan 4 For Kids How do I get rid of them?

Thanks.

Squishy Pete

Keep em. They’re fun.

Fuck, do you know how much pre-op tranny people have to pay for that shit? You have avoided the necessity of all those estrogen shots and years of cosmetic surgery. Be happy! Find a good makeup artist and hairstylist, learn to walk in pumps, and wear your chesticles with pride! Learn to take it in the ass and you can also have a very profitable career. Good luck!

————————————————-

xoxo Ette
www.myspace.com/olivia_ette

Jim-Bob
www.myspace.com/jimbobdwarf


Got problems? We all do, but do you want a random Metal Sludge-sanctioned celebrity to help you sort out your worries, concerns, and fucked-up feelings? Then send your questions to AskTheStars@metalsludge.tv and we’ll see if we can’t find someone to make you feel all better.

 

Ask the Stars!

with…


Naked Beggars singer Inga Brittingham!

For our April 2005 edition of “Ask the Stars,” we have none other than Naked Beggars singer Inga Brittingham on hand to give advice and to answer your fucked-up questions! Now, Inga’s never done a 20 Questions with Metal Sludge before, but she’s come up with some of the sickest responses for our whacky monthly feature, the Rotten Roundup. Plus she’s married to Cinderella bass player Eric Brittingham! We like the way she thinks, so we figured she’d be awesome to meter out advice to the Sludgeaholics in need. nike air max vente Here she is to help you guys out.


Dear Star,

What’s the best way to remove unwanted body hair? I’m a bit sensitive to chemicals and don’t want to get a rash from pouring Nair all over my crotch. Thanks for any help or advice.

S.T.

Dear S.T.,

Ripping straight out would be the best route. It hurts but it’s better than getting burnt. Have you tried those insects that eat the hair. Gosh, what movie was that from…I wish I could get a hold of those bugs.


After reading Motley Crue’s “The Dirt”, I am addicted to reading about rock stars’ sordid and glamorous lives. Have any other metal bands written autobiographies or had biographies written about them that are worth reading? I am currently reading Aerosmith’s “Walk this way”.

Metal Sludge is all the reading material you need to keep up on the latest shit!


I really need some advice. So, I’m going to a concert in a few weeks (happens to be Motley Crue) and I really want to get backstage to meet the band. Do you have any tips (short of giving head to the entire road crew)? Thanks.

~Cyn

Dear Cyn,

Worming your way backstage is always hard. But the better liar you are the easier it will be to get there! Learn maybe the head honcho’s name and drop it, maybe get a press pass made. You Can Dewwww it! And if that shit doesn’t work, you can always try sneaking by. They can’t watch everyone who walks by!!


Priest or Maiden?

Thanks,

Metal Hoops

Dear Metal Hoops,

Priest


Dear Star,

I have a real wicked step mother. I mean like fuckin Cinderella style here. Always bitching, complaining and nagging. She thinks I’m this devil child even though the whole community knows how nice of a guy I am. I don’t know how I’m going to handle living with her until I graduate this summer. What do you suggest I do to put up with this bitch until I move out to university?

thanks, Steve-O

Dear Steve-O,

Did you ever think that maybe you are doing something to make her complain? And is she by any chance getting laid. Maybe you could get your dad to give it up a little. Make sure she is taken care of, ya know what I’m saying!


Dear Sludge Star or starette,

I’m in an 80s rock tribute band in England. Instead of wearing a wig, I want to get big hair myself. Now my hair’s getting pretty long, but whenever I try to get it to go big, it just falls over again. How do I get that huge hair spikey Nikki Sixx look? I’m only 20 so I wasn’t around when it was socially acceptable (if it ever was) to ask this shit!

Thanks,

Jonny

Dear Jonny,

Who is your hairdresser? Have you asked a hairdresser. You can’t just have long hair. You have to have some sort of cut. My friend Lora Seligmann, hairstylist extraordinaire! She can give you some advice! Look for her on Myspace, she’ll love to help ya! He he he!!!


Dear star,

over the past few months, I have fell in love with one of my female friends, she knows how I feel but says she is involved with someone else, which is true but her closest friends tell me her boyfriend is a “fag”! She says she can’t rule out the possibility of us ever being more than friends, but I don’t know what to do now, I feel so strongly about her and would do anything to make her mine. Can you please give me some advice on what to do…. I am only 15 by the way.

Holy cow, by the way, there is going to be a lot more things for you to worry about then being with some chick at 15. Girls are way too fickle at that age as well as guys. You will change your mind as soon as you bump into some finer chick. Don’t forget she is dating a “fag”. And if she goes after you, what do you think that that may mean? Some chicks dig fags, that is why they are called “fag hags”.

Here is a question: What is her dad like? Whatever her dad is like is exactly what you need to be, that what the chick wants. It’s all psychological bullshit.


Dear Star,

My boss yelled at me the other day. He does it a lot for seemingly no reason and it’s getting kind of old. I was thinking about killing him, but don’t want to spend the rest of my life in jail if I get caught. How can I get him back good?

Thanks,

Tommy

Dear Tommy,

First of all, your right don’t kill. Second of all, you should start your own business and just steal all of his ideas and clients. I bet he’ll love that!


Dear Random Metal Sludge Celebrity,

My boyfriend is so mean! Everything was going great and then he forgot to give me anything for my birthday. When I asked him about it, he said that most normal people should stop expecting everyone to make a big deal about their birthday around the age of 12. What should I do? Everything else is fine, and he’s good to me, but that was just plain mean. Should I dump him, or is he right? Should I just figure my birthday really isn’t that big of a deal anymore?

Laura, Milwaukee, WI

Dear Laura,

It’s really not the most important thing on earth that he gives you something for your birthday. Joe Vellano If you ask me, that actually is a little selfish. Here’s the real question: Does he love you? Does he normally do cool things for you? If so, then shut up and deal. If he isn’t, yeah, dump him.


dear metal sludge ask the stars,

A long time ago I dropped acid and had a blast. Then I tried it again a few weeks ago and it didn’t do much for me. Very boring. Did I just get some bunk tabs, or do I already have a tolerance and need to take more next time?

Thanks,

Steve S.
in Lincoln, NE

Dear Steve S.,

I’ve always learned that not all things are created equal. And neither was your acid. I myself stick to all natural items.


Dear star,

I need to make dinner and here’s all I have: a bag of frozen peas, a box of bisquick, a can of spam, and a tub of margarine. What can I make with that? Or should I just order a pizza?

J.L.T.

Dear J.L.T.,

By the time you read this, I would hope that you would have some other options. But, I would butter a pan, mix the bisquick to make biscuits throw it in the bottom of a 9×13 pan, throw the peas on top and then slice the layers on spam on top of the peas, and cook for about 25-30 minutes. And voila: no wasted food, and a filling meal!! I would probably wash it down with some beer, though. Only because I’m kinda thinking the shit might be a little old.


Help! I’m obsessed with Johnny Monaco from Enuff Z’Nuff. I saw him play the other night and he’s so hot. I’ll see him again soon when he’s off tour. How do you think I should approach him and proposition him? Do youthink it matters if I’m a guy?

Signed,

Bill from Chicago

Hey Bill,

It can’t hurt to try! I would see if he has a Myspace profile and check to see if he is bi/gay/ straight/ whatever, then go for it!


Hi,

What’s the best way to dump my chick? It’s not that she’s done anything wrong, but we’ve been dating for a few years, I’m kinda bored with her, and I want to bang other girls. nike femme How can I let her down easy? I don’t want her to swallow a bottle of sleeping pills or slit her wrist in the bathtub or something. Thanks for your help.

Bored in Boca Raton

Dear Bored,

Yikes, if she is that sensitive, you might want to try some different tactics. See how she reacts when you tell her you want to bang some other chicks. If she totally flips, tell her she’s nuts and then accuse her of cheating. Flip it around a little. She’ll think you’re messed up and want to leave you if you keep it up!

If that doesn’t work, you might want to pick up a disgusting habit that she can’t stand, and just don’t stop doing it. nike air max 1 pas cher That will really make her hate you!! I think that would get me out the door!

Inga Brittingham
www.nakedbeggars.net


Got problems? We all do, but do you want a random Metal Sludge-sanctioned celebrity to help you sort out your worries, concerns, and fucked-up feelings? Then send your questions to AskTheStars@metalsludge.tv and we’ll see if we can’t find someone to make you feel all better.

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