I wasn’t planning on doing this at all, but why the fuck not.

For those of you not aware, and for those of you smart enough not to care, Bon Jovi had a concert on The Fox Family Channel. Actually it’s just their home video and DVD they put out, so this is probably going to be edited down for TV. I’m just gonna watch this and see what I come up with. I’m not going to promise that this is going to be good or even entertaining. You aren’t paying to read this, so if it sucks, all you did was just waste some of your life. Get over it.

You know there is something very un-rock about a concert on the fucking FAMILY CHANNEL. It’s safe to say you won’t be seeing Limp Bizkit on the FAMILY Channel anytime soon. But what’s even worse is that OZZY STILLBOURNE is stuck watching the FAMILY CHANNEL. Shit, I better start drinking if I’m going to sit through this.

The show starts and they show some clips of the band walking to the stage. Jon does rock clich? #1 of the night by doing some air boxing as he walks to the stage. Either that or he’s just gotten senile and he’s seeing things.

It’s a fucking huge big crowd. It’s not as big as a Slaughter crowd, but what is?

The bass player guy Hugh looks like he should be playing more with Debbie Gibson than Bon Jovi.

Livin On A Prayer is first.

Richie’s using a voice box for the intro. All I can think about is him doing that to Heather Locklear with her legs over her head. Bastard.

Jon does rock clich? #2, which is stick the mic out to crowd when you can’t hit the high notes. Jon basically plays it safe with the vocals now. He doesn’t extend himself, which is good in a way because at least he knows his limitations, unlike Vince, Jani, and most 80s rock singers.

You Give Love A Band Aid, or whatever it’s called is next.

David Bryan, or should I say David Rosenbaum (yup, he’s a Jew), doesn’t really look that different than he did 10 years ago. Well except for that bald spot he’s getting on the back of his head. Basically everyone looks decent except Tico. He looks like he was dragged down a dirt road, but he also looks like he could make a few phone calls and have me erased from the planet, so I’m not going to mention Tico again.

Richie is wearing big ass cataract sunglasses even though it’s cloudy and rainy.

I was just thinking that none of Bon Jovi’s press shots have Hugh in them. I can’t say I blame Bon Jovi for not taking any group photos with Hugh. Fuck, I wouldn’t want to be in a picture with that guy as well. Yet it could be worse for Hugh. I understand that just 2 minutes ago, Alec Jon Such was overheard saying “Is this for here or to go?”

Commercial. Time for a beer.

Say It Isn’t So is up now.

Why are there fat chicks dancing on the side of the stage? Slaughter must have had a show in the area.

Donna Anderson just called me as I write this and said that it looks like Richie’s nose is running. I told her it might be the rain but she thinks it’s snot. Good enough for me. Somebody get Richie a Kleenex.

Great, another commercial.

After the commercial it’s Born To Be My Baby.

Next up is It’s My Life, which was co-written by Max Martin, who worked with the Backstreet Boys! That’s why the song has a heavy Backstreet Boys feel to it.

When was the last time you heard somebody say, “a heavy Backstreet Boys feel to it.” I don’t even know what the fuck I’m saying.

Jon’s head is smoking! Seriously, there’s smoke coming off his head. Fuck, he must be singing hard.

More commercials. This kind of sucks. It’s like they play a song and go to commercial. Lame.

We’re back from commercial and Jon has a Bret Michaels bandanna on right now. Rock clich? #3 of the show.

Just Older is up.

I’ve seen certain fans in the crowd who have gotten more shots than Hugh.

I just realized that unlike Warrant, nobody in Bon Jovi has any double chins. Just thought I’d share that.

Jon likes the bed he’s sleeping in, and just like him it’s broken in. I wonder how much Dorthea is in that bed?

Runaway on piano is next. He must be changing it up a bit since he’s been singing this song since like fucking 82. Plus it gives Rosenbaum something to do.

Commercial.

Lay Your Hands On Me

Wow, a few shots of Hugh back to back. Somebody needs to tell him he needs a lot more than those glasses to look cool.

Richie has a stupid looking Dr. Seuss hat on. Hey Richie, it doesn’t work for Bret Michaels and it doesn’t work for you, mmkay?

Jon goes down into the pit and slaps hands with the fans. Oh, I get it, they are laying their hands on him. Well if I was down there, I wouldn’t slap his hand, I’d try to pick his pocket and snag his wallet.

Fuck, how many fucking commercials does this need? This sucks.

Sleep When I’m Dead is next. I’m going to sleep during this show if they keep having commercials every 2 fucking minutes.

Some guy in the crowd is making out with his chick. *cough*whatahomo*cough*

Great another commercial. Somebody shoot me, please.

After the break it’s Bad Medicine.

Jon asks the crowd is there is a doctor in the house. I think he wants to check Hugh’s pulse to see if he’s alive. I’ve seen trees that have more movement then that guy. He probably has one of those electric dog collars around his neck and if he moves too far he gets shocked. Speaking of people who don’t move, Richie pretty much stays in the same spot the entire show. He must be tired from fucking Heather Locklear all the time.

Let me guess, a commercial.

Yup, I was right.

Fuck, I’m not nearly drunk enough for this.

After commercial #132, we come back to find Jon dressed like a gay Confederate soldier, complete with cowboy hat on and bandanna around the neck. That means it’s time for…

Wanted Dead Or Alive

Richie does that part in Wanted where he sings and he sounds better than Jon.

Guess what,

Commercial.

I’ll Be There For You is next and I’m wishing I never agreed to do this.

Jon sings, “I heard your suitcase say goodbye.” How do you hear a fucking suitcase say goodbye? Has anybody heard a suitcase say goodbye? I’ve heard a lot of shit and I’ve never heard a suitcase say anything to me. Maybe I haven’t taken enough drugs.

And has anybody really drown in their tears? If you are crying so much you might drown in your tears, take some fucking Prozac.

Here’s another line, “These 5 words I swear to you.” Jon must only speak in sentences that have 5 words, because he keeps saying these 5 words in a few songs. Jon, please, you’re rich, expand your vocabulary, mmkay?

FUCK! The big scream towards the end of the song Jon totally misses. It was flatter than a bitch on a big wheel. I’m surprised they left that in. Jon probably doesn’t give a shit, he’s rich.

Commercial!!!!

Next 100 Years is up next, and I feel like I’ve been watching this for about 100 years.

NOTE TO SELF: Never watch anything on the Family Channel again.

Jon does a nice Dana Strum impersonation during the solo. No, I don’t mean he went through the bands bags and stole their shit, I mean he was pouting his lips. Rock clich? #4 so far.

Another commercial.

This is truly insane.

Hey, it’s a Heather Locklear commercial. It’s for Superior Preference or some shit. She says her hair color doesn’t fade or something. Great. I wonder if the drapes match the carpet. Probably not.

After the commercial break, there is a shot of the crowd and some chick has THO’s. Titty Hard-Ons. That’s cool.

Keep The Faith is next.

Jon has some maracas, which only makes it sound like there is static in the song. Rock clich? #5.

The song ends, the show is over, and Jon goes to introduce the band. He says, “On the bass…Uh, some guy we’ll never let be in the band. Don’t forget to break down the stage tonight, Hugh.”

Then what happens next is shocking. He goes, “On guitar, Joey Allen!”

Donna Anderson also wants to add that Richie needs to stop dressing in the dark.

Overall this probably wouldn’t have been so bad if I didn’t sit through 2 hours of commercials. I’ll give them their due for leaving in Jon singing flat and not making everything perfect. The band sounded good otherwise and at least they play new shit and don’t rely on their past. I’ll raise a toast to them for busting their ass, but I wish they fucked up more so I could have more to bitch about. Oh well.

I’m out like Alec Jon Suck,

OZZY STILLBOURNE