Random Thoughts On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire – Music Edition 2/16/01

 

RANDOM THOUGHTS ON 
WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE 
- MUSIC EDITION

What’s wrong with me? Lately I’ve been posting like a fucking freak. I’m on fire, what can I say?

I’m ready to give my random thoughts on this Who Wants To Be A Millionaire rock stars show, featuring Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray, Lars Ulrich, Gene Simmons, that guy who sings the thong song, 2 Backstreet Boys and some other people I don’t give a shit about.

I know it’s a few days late, but I’m not getting paid to be prompt.  Fuck, I’m like 6 months behind on my Random Thoughts On Metal Edge. I’ll get to stuff when I feel like it so get off my nuts!

I’m figuring that most of you know how the game works, so I’m not even going to go into it. If you don’t, your fucked. Go read the Gossip Board.

As they scroll along the panel, I notice that maybe they should’ve called this Who Wants To Wear A Bad Wig. Gene’s wig is horrible! He has it tied back in a pony tail to make it look like it’s “natural.” Pamela Anderson is more natural than that wig.
Note to Gene Simmons: Dude, you look like George Fucking Washington who dyed his hair black. You have millions in the bank. Use some of that money you have been ripping off from Ace and Peter and use it to buy a fucking quality wig. Why is it nobody in rock can get a decent wig? Is it that hard of a concept? The whole idea of a wig is to make people think it’s your REAL HAIR and not a wig! 

Mark McGrath answers the fastest finger question in 6 seconds, so he’s up first.

By the way, somebody needs to teach the fucking Backstreet Boys how to grow their hair. I never really thought growing your hair was hard, but these guys definitely need some help on it. Yet what don’t they need help with? The fuckers can’t even write their own shit, and now it looks like they can’t even grow their hair properly. Fuck all these guys.

Mark gets the $100 question right, which is basically as hard as a “What is your name?”
A. Dave
B. Tom
C. Fred
D. Mark

Marks get $200 Question right.

The $300 question is, “When a singer performs a few extra songs at the end of a concert, it’s is called what?”
A. Encore
B. Ovation
C. Riff
D. Ego
Well Regis, I would have to say D if you really want to get technical. But Mark answers A and gets it right.

Speaking of egos, they have Gene and Lars on opposite sides, probably because their egos are so large one side couldn’t handle both those egos.

McGrath is up to $500 and gets it right.

So far I’m right up there with Mark.

$1,000 question is about Eric Clapton and he gets it right. Mark was on VH-1 Jeopardy a while back and did really well, so this guy knows his shit.

Mark gets the $2,000 Question right.

$4,000 question about Natalie Merchant. So far I’ve gotten everyone right just like Mark. Somebody send me $4,000.

$8,000 question about what law promotes fair competition among businesses. Mark says he isn’t sure but eventually pulls it out.

$16,000 question starts, “What is the term for the failure of a metal…” and right there I said Slaughter, because I thought they were going to say, “What is the term for the failure of a metal band”, but instead they say metal part caused by stress. Well I was close. Mark is stumped and Lars says, “Just walk away like Newsted did with us.” Mark uses a lifeline which is 50/50. He finally gets the answer which is fatigue. Meanwhile I’m up to $16,000 with all my life lines!

$32,000 question is, “Which of these songs would you be listening to if you heard the lyrics “bustle in your hedgerow.”
A. Give It To Me Good
B. Cry Tough
C. Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich
D. Stairway To Heaven
Obviously that was Stairway To Heaven and I’m up to $32,000. Maybe I should have fucking been on this show.

$64,000 question is about the novel “Room With A View” and what city is it about. Mark thinks it has to do with the Duran Duran video “Room With A View” which was shot in Paris, except the song was called “A View To A Kill” so he fucks himself on this question. He then polls the audience who agree with him that it’s Paris, but they are all wrong because it’s Florence.

Just for the record, I would have used phone a friend.

His charity takes home $32,000.

Next up is Lars who wins the fastest fingers and he acts like he’s never been on TV before. What a dick.

His forehead is so big he could derail a train with it.

Lars goes over how Metallica started and says it’ll be 20 years this October. He says there was no reception in the early days, only hatred. Funny how things come in full circle.

He’s playing for a free clinic in San Francisco. I have a feeling Lars has been to a free clinic once or twice in his life. At least we know Kirk Hammett has.

Remember when Metallica wouldn’t even do music videos. Now Lars is getting it with Regis on a fucking game show.

Lars looks totally puzzled on the first question, which is, “Do you have any morals?”

Actually, it was, “Members of societies that forage for food are often known as hunters and what?”
A. Gathers
B. Riders.
C. Fisherman
D. Singers-songwriters.
I would have picked E. Ted Nugent, but that wasn’t an option. Lars picks A and gets $100.

For $200, here’s a question that should throw Lars off. “If you have musical talent, it is often said that you have a what for music?
Even though Lars has no musical talent, he somehow figures out the answer and continues on.

The $300 question is, “A person that disappears completely is said to “vanish into” what?”
A. Thick Fog
B. Thin air
C. Heavy rain
D. His own private Idaho
I would have picked E Spitfire Records, but that wasn’t an option yet again. Lars picks thin air, which is obvious because he knows a thing or two about things that are thin, such as his hairline and drumming skills.

Lars gets the $500 question right, which I don’t feel like typing out. It’s about exercise, another thing Lars knows nothing about, but he gets it right.

The $1,000 question is, “In the phrase ‘photo op,’ what does “op” stand for?” Before Regis says the answers, Lars goes “Up yours” and laughs like Beavis & Butthead. If Lars really wants a laugh, he should listen to a Metallica soundboard tape.

$2,000 question is on what fish are smoked or some shit like that.

This next question totally baffles Lars. “What classic rock group’s 1989 concert series was called the “Steel Wheels Tour?”
A. The Who
B. Aerosmith
C. The Rolling Stones
D. The Eagles
This question was a joke, but Lars has to go through the answers. He says the Eagles didn’t tour, Aerosmith was making a record….Uh sorry Lars, they put out an album in 89 called Pump. It took Lars way too long to answer this one. 

Now we go to commercial.

They come back from the break and Regis does some chit chat with Lars. Troll boy says his Grandma bought him his first drum kit when he was 12 years old. Just think, she is responsible for putting all of us through these years of hell. I wonder if she’s bummed that Lars never learned how to use it. He also says Metallica sold 80 million records. I can see why Napster is such a big issue for him. Dick.

Lars also has the attention span of a five year old, or a typical coke head. Regis had to ask him if he had a minute. He keeps looking around like he’s on stage or something. Somebody give this guy some Ritalin.

Lars gets the $8,000 question right.

$16,000 Question. Which bodies of water doesn’t border South America? Lars figures out it’s not the Atlantic or the Pacific and guesses that it’s the Gulf Of Mexico. Considering he’s traveled the world a few times, I would hope he’d get this question right.

$32,000 Question. What actress appeared in a Tom Petty video. This is an easy question. Lars gets it.

How did Lars out score Mark McGrath?

$64,000. In which of the following places would you most likely find a piece of apparatus called a pipette?
A. Orchestra
B. Laboratory
C. Television studio
D. Printing house.
Lars looks around like he’s waiting for a bus, or a clue, and Regis asks him if he has a pal at home who might know what a pipette is. Like Lars has any friends he can call! Maybe he could call Shawn Fanning from Napster.

Lars uses a lifeline which is poll the audience. The audience picks Laboratory, he goes with them, and he gets another one right.

Commercial.

I wasn’t really paying attention when they came back from commercial, but I do know Lars mentioned Napster. He said, “You knew it had to come up.” For somebody who is so set against them, he gives them a lot of plugs. Anyway, Lars fucks up and finally gets the boot. He blows it on the $125,000 question.

Time for a new idiot, and Gene Simmons gets the fastest finger question right.

I can’t believe how horrible Gene’s wig looks. Maybe he’s been looking at money so long he just ended up looking like George Washington.

There are some Kiss girls with makeup on in the crowd. Yawn.

Regis shoots the shit with Gene who says he would go see bands as a kid and be disappointed, kind of like what happens when people go to see Kiss today. Funny how things go in full circle.

$100 Question, “At a rock concert, which of the following instruments is typically plugged into an amplifier?” Gene raises his eyebrow like The Rock before he answers the question. Despite not knowing how to play the bass, Gene somehow gets this right.

$200 question, “According to a common phrase, when you stop nagging someone, you ‘get off his’ what?”
A. Leg
B. Back
C. Toe
D. Futon
The real answer is E. Nuts, but Gene picks B and gets it right.

Gene gets the $300 question right

Gene gets the $500 question right, which is, “Paul Stanley is also known as all of these names except one?”
A. Gay
B. Old
C. A old gay man with a bad wig
D. A straight black man
The obvious answer was D. Gene gets it right and we move on.

Gene gets the $1,000 question right. 

Commercial

When they come back, they show a superimposed picture of Gene’s face over Regis. Gene laughs a little too hard at this and to be honest, it’s a tad frightening. 

Gene’s pouting like Paul Stanley during the $2,000 question. It’s about airbrushing, which Gene probably knows a thing or two about, and he gets it right.

$4,000 about Muhammad Ali which Gene gets.

Right now you know Gene is feeling good. He’s thinking he’s the shit. 

$8,000 question, “The mother of what rapper released a rap song in response to her son’s lyrical attacks on her?”
A. Busta Rhymes
B. Jay Z
C. Eminem
D. Kid Rock
Gene picks Eminem and gets it right. Who knew that Gene knew anything about rap?

So far he hasn’t used any of his life lines.

$16,000 question, “The word “pachyderm” is derived from the Greek word for what physical feature?”
A. Long nose
B. Brushlike tail
C. Three toes
D. Thick skin
Gene says very quickly that it’s A and he loses!! Boo-Ya!

HA HA HA HA HA! That’s what you get for thinking you are the shit! He fucking goes out on the $16,000 Question and had this been the real game, he would have left with $1,000!  But since it’s the charity show, everyone is guaranteed $32,000.  Fuck, Gene don’t care because it ain’t his dough.

Well that’s all I need to review.  The rest of the show probably sucks, so I’m done.

I’m out like Gene on the $16,000 question,

OZZY STILLBOURNE