You had to be expecting this, right?

Sebitchian was on MTV’s Cribs and here are my thoughts on this mess.

It starts off with him walking through the woods with his wife. Oops, my bad, that isn’t his wife, it’s his dog. Well they both have the same hair color and overall look so it was an easy mistake.

He’s such a drama queen. Most people just open the door and welcome them into their home but not Sebitchian. He has to make it more theatrical. Did anyone tell him that he’s not on Broadway anymore? PLEASE . . . that’s probably the first time the fat boy has even been back in those woods. Maybe he should take up hiking and drop a few pounds.

He comes out of the woods, sees his house, and drops to his knees as if he were in front of Paul Stanley. Interesting.

He takes us into his house and the first thing you see is a giant painting of himself. It’s huge, like his ego. One word for ya…NARCISSISTIC! There are photos of Sebitchian everywhere. And I’m not talking normal photos, like 4″ x 6″ or 8″ x 10″, I’m talking 24′ x 36″ or larger. The pictures are bigger than Vince Neil’s ass.
MTV does one of their camera tricks where they show everything really fast to make things look huge, when in reality it’s all just an illusion. He says this part of the house is the “greenhouse, platinum house” and of course one of the first things he points out is his platinum records. When Tommy Lee and other rock stars do Cribs, do any of them mention, “Hey, here’s my platinum albums.” No, because they don’t have to. You can see them on the wall so you don’t need it pointed out to you. But of course Bitch, being that he needs to brag to build himself up, shows off his platinum records. And by the way, I didn’t notice 22 Platinum records on the wall that represented the 22 million he supposedly sold. He also says the house is “for my kids” even though during this entire segment there isn’t one picture of his kids or wife on the wall. And I’m not counting that giant “family portrait” of them sitting at the dinner table with an Indian. That doesn’t count.

The house looks like a fucking frat house/museum. For a minute I thought I was watching the VH-1 show Fan Club on Kiss, but then I started seeing more Sebitchian shit and realized that even Kiss fanatics wouldn’t be so twisted as to have Sebitchian shit in their house. In fact there is an Ace Frehley cardboard cutout on top of his TV set. It’s one thing to have maybe a room set up for all your Kiss shit, or maybe a room that has all your past pictures, but not every square inch of your fucking house. His place looks like a giant fucking Spencer’s Gift. Sebitchian probably has more Kiss shit in his house than Gene & Paul combined.

We go into his living room and he says that there is a new music channel called MTV X “mother trucker.”

Mother Trucker = white trash

You know, mother trucker was hardly funny the first time I heard it 10 years ago, it ain’t any funnier now.
On MTV X is a Def Leppard video which Sebitchian mocks, which was somewhat entertaining. Too bad Def Leppard has really sold over 22 million records.

There’s a picture on the wall that David Lee Roth gave him. He said he never thought he’d have a painting/drawing hanging in his place by DLR. He probably never thought the guy’s nuts would be hanging in his mouth either.

And he bitches about Skid Row but all the shit he has in his house is BECAUSE of Skid Row.

He has a bust of Gene Simmons vomiting blood that was somewhat cool but lets face it, if you were living in his house you’d always be puking too. Fuck I don’t live in there and I thought I was going to puke watching him.

Once in the kitchen, Kendra Jade…I mean, Sebitchian’s wife Maria walks in. He introduces her by saying, “This is my chick”, which means, “If there are any girls out there that don’t know I’m married then they’ll just think she’s my girlfriend and I can still get some pussy.” Every rock guy knows that line.

RANDOM THOUGHT FROM DONNA ANDERSON: I think if that bitch can put up with his shit for that many years she deserves to be called something a little better than “my chick.”

As we move onto Sebastian’s kitchen we see just how psychotic he is by showing us a cup he keeps in his freezer with Gene’s Simmons’ stage blood in it. I thought only 16 year old girls kept stuff that “rock stars” touched and threw out into the crowd.

He now takes us to his “CD Room” and shows off his CDs, which is about as impressive as seeing Rosie O’Donnell naked. He brags about how many CDs he has, but Metal Sludge gets about that many sent to us each month. Fuck, we have Blowtorch CDs in our collection! How many people, other than Jim Bob Dwarf, can say that? Fuck Sebitchian’s tiny collection.

RANDOM THOUGHT FROM DONNA ANDERSON: I wonder if Sebitchian has any Poison CDs in his collection?

On the bathroom door is the name Sebitchian Bach from the Conan O’Brien show. I hope he took some souvenirs from that show because we all know he ain’t getting invited back. His bathroom if filled with 70s memorabilia and lots of Kiss stuff. Great, just what I want to do when I’m taking a shit…have Paul Stanley looking at my nuts. No thanks, I’ll pass.

Everything is Kiss. Dude, how can you breath with Gene’s dick so far in your mouth. It’s funny though, his house is filled with a million Kiss items, yet Skid Row toured with them and he didn’t. No wonder he’s so bitter.

You know what Snake Sabo can say that Sebitchian can’t?
“I toured with Kiss.”

Snake can also say, “I write songs and have talent”, but that’s besides the point.

As he leads us into the bedroom, the walls are covered with either pictures of himself or Kiss. You know, on Pamela Anderson’s Cribs, she only had pictures of her kids up and zero pictures of herself, and she’s probably the most photographed woman in the world. Plus even in his bedroom are pictures of Kiss. I think Gene & Paul should file a restraining order against this guy.

Donna Anderson would like to add: As we move into the bedroom we briefly get to see his closet. Of course we don’t see a whole wall of shoes like we see on every other Cribs episode because Sebitchian only has one pair of shoes; those fuckin’ white shoe boots that he’s worn since 1989. Only a chick would notice something like that, but I agree with her. And if you slow this bedroom segment down, you can see Paul Crook from Anthrax trying on Sebitchian’s Jekyll & Hyde stage clothes. I’ll get to Paul in a few moments.

Finally he takes us into his “office”, which is basically a bedroom with a filing cabinet and a computer in it. This must be the office where he makes huge deals for “4 album deals” and things of that nature. There is his computer that he sends out threatening emails to his fans as well as Skid Row Webmasters, and probably even reads Metal Sludge at! In that case, hi Sebitchian, you stupid bastard. Go fuck yourself.
He goes on and on about how much money his comic book collection is worth (that he stores in a fire proof file cabinet) while he’s sitting on a metal folding chair. Hey Bitch, why don’t you save some of the money you spend on framing pictures of yourself and buy a decent office chair that costs more than $15.00!

Asshole.

Now we come to the part of Cribs where we show off the cars. Will we find a Ferrari, Bentley, or BMW in Bitch’s garage?

FUCK NO!

We find a piece of shit 1980s Z28 Camaro!!!!

HA HAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AH AHAHAHA HAHA HAHA

Master P ain’t got shit on you Sebitchian!

If that isn’t proof Sebitchian sold 22 million records, I don’t know what is! (Sarcasm mode turned off)

I feel sorry for MTV’s production crew because there is just no way in hell to make that car look cool. It even has a Kiss sticker on the side of it. MTV tries all their fancy camera work, but it just doesn’t work. That’s like trying to polish a pile of shit. Then Sebitchian says he bought it from Paul Geary from Extreme (GAF – Give a fuck) and that it’s autographed by….Ace Frehley!! Then he goes, “You don’t have one, I do.” Dude, you could have a Camaro autographed by God himself and the bottom line is it’s still a rusty Camaro, the symbol of white trash.

In the driveway is also your typical Vet that you can find at your local grocery story, as well as a 1970 Camaro or some shit.

Now we go to the rehearsal room. He’s singing that Linkin Park song with Paul Crook from Anthrax. How is it that Paul can’t get into any Anthrax band photos but can get in Sebitchian’s Crib episode? Paul’s probably pissed that Scott Ian has his own show on VH-1 so now he wants to weasel his way into Crib episodes. I think I even saw Paul in Sisqo’s Crib which was right after Sebitchian’s!

Bitch calls for his kids to come down stairs and rock out with him. Sebitchian sticks his hand out to slap his son’s hand and the kid walks right by him. Fuck, his kid doesn’t even want to slap his hand. I can’t say I blame him. How fucked would it be if your dad was Sebitchian Bach? Think about that. His kids will probably grow up to be homosexual accounts.

Sebitchian then breaks a guitar on the basement floor even though he doesn’t play guitar and it has nothing to do with anything. I guess he figured he hadn’t done enough embarrassing things this show so he figured he’d make up for it.

We finish this abortion with Sebitchian and Kendra Jr. out in front of his house and he says, “Ya’ll come back now, ya here?”

After watching this, I do understand Sebitchian a lot better now. He’s a giant 12 year old trapped in a 30 something body. He has all the traits of a 12 year old. He collects comics, every square inch of wall space has pictures of either himself or a band, he has the temper and maturity of a 12 year old, and he washes his hair as much as a 12 year old. At least now I have a better understanding of who I am dealing with.

I’m dealing with a 12 year old boy. Now it all makes sense.

I’m out like Sebitchian’s modesty,

OZZY STILLBOURNE