Random Thoughts On MTV's 20th Birthday Party! 8/8/01

I don’t even know what that banner is, but it looks evil. Thanks to “Satan” for sending it in.

This was Jani Bon Neil’s idea to do this post. Don’t think it was mine! So if it sucks blame Jani. Email him! And blame Jani Lane too while your at it. Don’t think I sat and watched all fucking 3 hours of this bullshit. I went to the bar like I do every night but I set my VCR to record it. That way I could fast forward through all the shit I didn’t want to watch (i.e. rap and Kurt Loder).

So let me hit play and here we go.

It’s Beavis and Butthead! Somewhere Kip Winger just threw his remote at his TV. I liked B & B though. They were just ripping off our gimmick though. I know they came first, but they still ripped us off. If that doesn’t make sense, maybe it’ll make dollars. Fuck you.

So the show starts and Carson Daly says he was 8 when MTV started. Now he’s 28 and all his fans are 8.

Fuck Kurt Loder! Can somebody tell me why this guy still has a fucking job? This guy was old 10 years ago! Mick Mars looks at this guy and goes, “Man is he old.” Kurk Loder was the reporter on hand for the Boston Tea Party! He’s got to be collecting social security by now. He’s a douche bag. If I could, I would take his left leg, bend it backwards, and wrap it around his fucking neck. And he’s interviewing Boy George. Now Boy George is glam. He makes the Look What The Cat Dragged In album cover look grunge.

Great, the show has been on for a minute and they already are talking to rapper, Method Man. What type of lame way to start off a show is this? An interview with Boy George and Method Man? And Chris Connelly just said, “Off the hook.” This is going to be a long 3 hours.

Great, anther interview. Oh, it’s Fred Durst. Go figure that he would be at something like this. So far it’s all been interviews. How exciting. Where’s my beer?

Sludge 41 start off the show, or Sum 41, whatever the fuck they are called. A bunch of brats jumping around all hyper. They play their 15 minutes of fame song and then go into “No Sleep Till Brooklyn” and Tommy Lee gets wheeled out on his own drum kit! This kind of brings back memories of when Tommy was white and he use to drum. Oh for fucks sake. They are now going into “Shout At The Devil.” I think this is the worst sounding version I’ve ever heard since…..uh……since Motley did this last Summer with Vince! Tommy spins a stick and they go into “You’ve Got Another Thing Coming” by Judas Priest. And Rob Halford walks out wearing bullets! How metal can you get? Can anybody tell me the last time Rob Halford was even on MTV? Well at least Rob is on the stage and it’s not rap.

Darson Caly or whatever his name is comes out to do an interview and Tommy says fuck right off the bat. Rob said Sum 41 is the next great heavy metal band. Somebody please inform Rob that Sum 41 isn’t a metal band. Then Tommy licks Carson’s face! Didn’t he do that to Pam when they first met? So does that mean Tommy wants to fuck Carson? Does he want to marry Carson? At least he didn’t lick Rob because Rob would have returned the favor.

We come back from a commercial with Nelly. Time to hit fast forward.

John Norris has the worst wig since Don Dokken. He’s gotta be gay. John Norris that is. Don Dokken isn’t gay. At least that I know of.

Kid Rock and Tony Bennett do an interview. Nothing says MTV like Tony Bennett.

The original DJs are introduced and everyone basically looks the same except Nina Blackwood! Fuck. I think she thought she was going to a funeral. Yet the MTV we had 20 years ago did die, so maybe Nina was onto something. Basically all the original VJs come out, say stupid shit and look like jackasses.

Now we have a retro flashback when MTV really showed videos.

Fast Forward.

THOUGHT: Naughty By Nature is to rap by Ugly Kid Joe was to rock.

Time for a Hanson interview. Wow, the singer looks like more of a chick than he did 3 years ago.

TLC performance and they totally suck. Nice lip-synching. Fast forward.

John Norris scares me. He looks like the type of guy that should be driving a van near a school playground.

They go to Aerosmith in St. Louis and Steven talks a bit on stage and they go into “Walk This Way.” Joe Perry still looks hip, but Brad Whitford is looking about 85. Say what you want about Aerosmith but at least Steven Tyler still sounds like Steven Tyler. He sings better than guys half his age.

Next up is a bunch of artists saying Happy Birthday to MTV. Nothing like having the entire music business on it’s knees swinging from your dick. Holy Fat Spice! Sporty Spice is one fat bitch. Debbie Gibson sort of goofs on the chicks who moves their hands around while they sing. I back Debbie Gibson talking shit.

Time for commercial. Unplugged 2.1 premiers with performances by REM, Staind and Lauren Hill! That is my hell. When I die and go to hell that is what will be playing on a loop. Unplugged performances by REM, Staind, and Lauren Hill.

They come back from commercial and say everybody is going nuts but the place looks as excited as people standing in line at the DMV.

Joan Jett and Rob Zombie are together. Gee, who would have guessed Joan was a lesbian? She says she’s been in The Rocky Horror Picture Show on Broadway and looks like she wore her stage outfit to the show. She looks repulsed that she’s next to Rob. Rob looks like a bum and then they cut to Nina Blackwood and Mark Goodman who introduce Billy Idol.

Steve Stevens is on guitar and still looks the same and Vince Neil is somewhere at a Hooters drinking his sorrows away. Looks like Steve made the right move when he left Vince’s band, huh? But Steve Stevens needs to get rid of that fucking toy gun shit. When was that ever cool? How fucking hard is it to put a toy gun up to a guitar? Billy Idol looks decent and sounds good but the bass player needs lipo. The drummer is Brian Tichy and he needs a shave.

The crowd looks dead though. That’s what you get for having all VIPs in attendance. Larson Haly comes out after Billy’s performance and is all excited. The guy probably is stoked to be away from boy bands.

Sugar Ray is now live and they go into “Fly.” The entire crowd looks like it’s filled with 18 year old chicks. No wonder Sugar Ray’s albums are all mellow now, they get too much fucking pussy.

Hey, it’s that fat tattoo’d guy Ian who does the news on MTV2. I like that guy because he talks shit during his news. He could write for us. And he’s with Dee Snider and Huey Lewis. Huey obviously made a deal with the devil because the guy looks the same as he did 20 years ago. Dee says he can’t find a video on MTV anymore. Dee talks about his tribute record with Anthrax, Sevendust, and Lit. He says Christina Aquilera stole his look and they show a picture of Dee and Christina. Christina must have been drunk on dick to think that look was actually good.

Now we have a look back at the years 1986 – 2000. Those were the years MTV started to go to hell in a Helena Handbasket because that’s when they started messing around with TV shows.

Fast forward.

Janet Jackson performs, or should I say lip-synchs. Why would you want to pay $100 for a ticket to watch somebody fucking lipsynch? What’s the point? OZZY’S TIP: Turn on the CD and save yourself some money.

Can I say that I basically hate Perry Farrell. Hated him then and I hate him now. The dude bugs me. Matt Pinfeld is with him and talks about a bunch of stuff nobody understands or cares about.

The next performance is Kid Rock. He’s has an acoustic and does “Cowboy” and “Only God Knows Why.” Now by doing this, I’m thinking he might eventually do something rocking and explosive. Instead he throws the acoustic over his shoulder and brings out the 94 year old Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top. His new song is about “What if Kid Rock was President.” It’s a blues based song that SUCKS! I’m doesn’t suck, it SUCKS! And that’s with Sebitchian Bach style capital letters. What is this? If this is an indication of his new album he’ll be on “Where Are They Now” by 2003. See what happens when you fuck Pamela Anderson? You just don’t care anymore. She fucked the talent right out of him. The song is way too long and he bores everybody to death. What a great way to set up your new album Kid Rock! (Sarcasm mode turned off)

Kari Wuhrer and Ken Ober are out from Remote Control. I actually liked that show and Kari has nice tits. She seems whacky but I’d fuck her silly.

NOTE: Bastard Boy Floyd actually owns Kari Wuhrer’s solo CD! He’s proud of it! He’ll be happy to show it to you if you ask. Now that’s scary. Floyd has some real issues he needs to address. Where he finds that shit I don’t know.

Fast forward through more bullshit.

Rob Halford and Jesse Camp are together! Well not sexually. At least I don’t think so. Jesse says he’s clean and sober now. That’s funny, I thought he was clean and sober then! Oh sure, blame the alcohol for acting like a jackass.

Douchepece Mode performs I can’t grab the remote fast enough.

I stop fast forwarding for a second and I see I’m in the middle of a Hip Hop Medley. I think I’m going to Hip Hop out of here.

My cable goes out because some fucking storm knocked it out, or somebody tripped over the plug, so when it comes back I see Riki Rachtman interviewing Slash. Slash is talking about Michael Jackson as if his balls are made of diamonds. And why doesn’t Riki have a Metal Sludge shirt on? Now that I think about it, why doesn’t Riki have a Cathouse shirt on? He just blew a huge opportunity to plug his fucking club. Riki Riki Riki. Do I have to help you out with this shit? What type of Media Whore are you if you aren’t promoting your own club?

Now we go to Bon Jovi performing for some chick who won a contest. I thought Jon Bon Jovi was from Jersey? So why the THE FUCK did he do the song intro with a Southern accent? Did I miss something? The guy is playing in Philly talking like he’s in Jackyl. Well at least Richie dressed with the lights on today and doesn’t look like a friggin’ goof. They play “You Give Love A Band Aid” and the whole place is filled with chicks.

After that, John “You think anybody notices I have a wig on” Norris is with Carmen Electra, Dave Navarro, and Puffy Diddy, or Pee Daddy, or whatever the fuck he’s called. Puffy says hi to his mother and Carmen looks at Navarro and goes, “Too bad we can’t say hi to our mothers.” Way to bum every one out Carmen! Keep your mouth shut and your clothes off next time, ok?
She says she just finished a movie with Tara Reid and Molly Shannon. You’ll be able to rent it at Blockbuster a week after it comes out. She also has a show in Vegas…I think it’s at The Crazy Horse. Or at least it should be.

Mary J. something or other performs and I hit fast forward.

Method Man comes out and then Fred Durst comes out and they do that one song….whatever the fuck it’s called. The one that goes, “Shut the fuck up.” Halfway through the artist known as Pauly Shore comes out, dances like a white boy, and leaves. That pretty much sums up his career right now.

Nsync tells MTV Happy Birthday and all I can think about is where Justin’s mouth has been on Britney.

Blink 41 performs and then MTV cuts them off and goes to Flea & Anthony Keides with my favorite, Kurt Loder! His questions suck. The questions are always, “You think videos have helped music?” No Kurt, videos hurt music and MTV sucks! What type of fucking question is that? What do they expect people to say at an MTV event? All MTV does is pull on their dick and let everybody know how “great” they are. “So Flea, tell us about how MTV saved the Red Hot Chili Peppers career and how much you owe us.” This whole show is like, “Hey, kiss our ass or we’ll ruin your career.”

Wait a minute, that sort of sounds like shit we’d do. Never mind.

Downtown Julie Brown and Idalis are up next and are totally annoying so I have to hit fast forward. And Downtown Julie Brown almost looks as bad as that other Julie Brown that was on MTV. Remember her? The white Julie Brown? Well the both look like hell. Just thought I’d pass that along.

Jenny McCarthy is being interviewed. Jenny talks about being married, yeah, great, whatever. Way to throw your life away at only 28. She’ll be singled out again by 35.

They show a clip of the first TRL where Carson says, “this is your show and you’re the ones that are programming all the videos. We’re doing nothing but playing them back.”

HA FUCKING HA HA HA!

Yeah, they’re playing them back after record labels pay them to play the fucking videos! Bands have been specifically told on a Monday, “Your video will be #4 on TRL Thursday.” If fans are programming the videos, how does MTV know that? Are they calling up Miss Cleo? Shut the fuck up. It’s all bullshit.

And with that my tape ends. I guess I didn’t program the VCR long enough. Now isn’t that a bitch? I guess I missed Janes Addiction, so in a way I did myself a favor.

If you want to see this disaster yourself, MTV will be reshowing this another 1,765 times during the next month.

I’m out like JJ Jackson’s hair,

OZZY STILLBOURNE