Random Thoughts On Gene Simmons' Tongue, 6/14/02

RANDOM THOUGHTS ON GENE SIMMONS’ TONGUE MAGAZINE

 

I can’t even believe that this magazine actually exists. I’ll give credit to Gene for actually finding people stupid enough to go along with it. In a way, I can’t say I blame him. I wish I could find people stupid enough to spend their own money while I don’t do shit but collect the profits. Where do I sign up for that?

The cover has Hugh Hefner on it with one of his blond bimbos, and it folds out so you see other Playmates and then, of course, Gene. Not that Gene was ever a good looking guy, but he’s getting really fucking frightening looking. If ugliness were platinum, Gene would be certified diamond!

The first thing you see when you open the magazine is an ad for the Kiss Box Set, and this sets the tone for the entire magazine. Kiss, Kiss, and oh yea, KISS!! It’s 3 full pages too boot! Not a full page ad, not a centerfold, but a three page pullout telling the world that KISS are the Gold record champions. Someone please stab me in the fucking eye with a fork!
 

We’ll start off with some comments from Publisher Allen Tuller, who by the way also publishes Metal Edge, so he’s to blame for that as well. He talks about how the magazine was started and that, “we felt there needed to be a voice for the rock star in all of us; for those who want to “Rock & Roll All Nite and Party Every Day.” There already is….it’s called Metal Sludge.

Allen then says a bunch of shit about what type of men the magazine is for, with stuff like, “Men who can appreciate the beautiful women that adore GS Tongue, but are also refined enough to want to read the STORY that goes along with it. Men who can still “do beers” with their buddies, but who also enjoy a great martini or single malt scotch. Men who still think that Paul Stanley doesn’t wear a wig and that Peter Criss is still playing drums for Kiss and not Eric Singer.” Ok, maybe that last part wasn’t there, but it should have been. After a few more sentences of what type of men this magazine is for, it finally says, “In other words, men like Gene Simmons.”

NOTE TO ALLEN: Last time I checked, I didn’t know ANY men like Gene Simmons. I don’t know any 50 year old men who wear clown makeup, leather pants, take Polaroid’s of nude women, and are completely delusional. And if you do know somebody like that and his name isn’t Gene Simmons, then you probably have a serial killer on your hands, and serial killers aren’t the target audience you should be after.

It goes on to say, “We don’t follow trends…we create them! We’re about sex, style, and rock n roll. Gene Simmons Tongue magazine brings together the worlds of music, movies, style and entertainment.”

That’s kind of cute. I remember my first delusion. If it wasn’t for Maxim, FHM, Stuff, Blender, and a million other magazines like that, I’d almost believe him that they aren’t following a trend.

At the end of his column, Allen says “Lick It Up.” Well Allen, the only thing that needs to be Licked Up are the excess copies of Tongue that aren’t moving off the newstands.

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The next page is called “First Licks” and it has a bunch of random info on people and various things, just like Playboy, Maxim, FHM, Stuff, Blender, etc. This one part caught my eye and is called “These numbers just in.” It lists the following things:

The average human eats 8 spiders in his lifetime at night.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
 

Feb 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
 

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
 

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
 

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
 

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
 

Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now after reading that, you might think, “Wow, the writers for Tongue really found some interesting info!” Guess again. Everything they just listed can be found at this website, http://www.tiller.demon.co.uk/humour/life/interesting.html. I’m sure it’s some list that has floated around the internet and the goofs at this rag found it and decided to use it. They just took what they wanted and didn’t even try to verify if it was true of not, because Marilyn Monroe didn’t have 6 toes. That’s an urban legend and more info on that can be found at http://www.snopes2.com/movies/actors/mmtoes.htm. Even the FAQ at www.marilynmonroe.com says:
 

Did Marilyn Monroe have six toes on one of her feet?
No. Marilyn had five toes on each foot.
 

So right there, the info is wrong. Doesn’t anybody at this rag research anything? What other information is wrong? Where else did the writers just find something from the internet, print it, and not give a shit if it was true or not. Little shit like this is why Tongue will never become anything worth a shit. It’s like a guy with only one butt cheek, halfassed.

NOTE TO GENE: If you want to rip off shit from the net, try Donna’s Penis Chart. That info is probably more accurate than half the shit you’ll find floating around.

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I finally come to Gene’s own 2 page column called “Tongue Lashings.” It’s basically 2 pages of bragging and boasting.

Gene says, “The magazine you’re holding will not try to re-invent the wheel. We may not in fact have very much profound content.”

So Gene basically says the magazine isn’t going to re-invent the wheel and they don’t have much profound content, but the publisher makes it sound like the magazine is going to create trends and is totally original. Hmmmm. Maybe it’s me, but I’m seeing two different things here.

The magazine will however be an extension of my personality.

Considering most people think you have the personality of a a greedy, self absorbed, delusional asshole, that doesn’t exactly say much for your magazine.

Then Gene rattles off some of his accomplishments:

I’ve acted in films and televison.

So has Jesse Camp. Your point is?

I discovered Van Halen

And I’m sure if you hadn’t “discovered” them they’d still be playing in bars in LA. Yup, they owe it all to you! (Sarcasm mode turned off) Hey Gene, you also produced most of the Black n’ Blue releases and signed Silent Rage to Simmons Records. Why didn’t you mention these ground breaking accomplishments?
 

I’m co-owner of a women’s wrestling league.

And that last time that women’s wrestling league ran a show was……exactly. Gene wouldn’t know the difference between a wrist lock and a wrist watch.

I’ve managed the careers of other artists, including Liza Minnelli’s recording career.

That’s not something that should be mentioned in public.

I’ve produced movies and television shows.

So has about a million other people who live in LA. And by the way, Metal Sludge has been on VH-1, MTV, and MTV 2.

I’ve had my own record label – Simmons Records/RCA.

Saying you have our own record label doesn’t impress anybody these days. Fuck, even Tom Mathers has his own record label! It’s not that big of a deal anymore.

NOTE TO GENE: Anybody who buys your silly rag already knows who you are and what you’ve done. Don’t kid yourself and think that some guy is going to buy your magazine who isn’t a Kiss fan because only Kiss fans are going to buy this.

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An ad for Kiss Kondoms. Without a doubt the stupidest fucking idea since Gene’s last idea, the Kiss Kasket. I’m surprised the ad doesn’t say, “Protect yourself from AIDS by wearing a Kiss Kondom, or else you could end up buried in a Kiss Kasket.” What the ad does say is over 4,600 “clinical trials.” Kiss Kondoms were developed through years of painstaking field study by a dedicated researcher just for you.” So you mean for all these years, Gene was using his own secret brand of condoms, trying to find what worked best? Bullshit. He used fucking Trojans like the rest of us. All he’s doing here is putting his name on a condom package. I’m sure if we looked hard enough we could find somebody to make Metal Sludge Condoms. We just have more class and don’t really feel like being whores.

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After wasting a few minutes of my life reading that, we next come to a sex advice column called “Calling Dr. Love” and some supposed sexpert answers the questions. It’s no “Ask The Stars” or “Dr. Rockett” and the questions are even lame, like “How do I get my girlfriend to go downstairs?” That’s such an easy question to answer. Just tell the bitch to take the stairs.

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The first interview is with Hugh Hefner and is conducted by Gene. If you’ve ever read an interview with Hef, then you don’t need to read this because you won’t learn anything new. There are also 8 Playmates shown and it gives a few facts on them. The photos are ok but nothing special. Just the chicks standing in front of a white background. Kind of lame and cheap. Maxim easily has Tongue beat in the photography department.

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An article on Tommy Lee, and the intro says: “So we gave him a Kiss cell phone, with a plan to chase down the rocker as often as possible, to chart a verbal diary of life on the run.”

A Kiss cell phone? Of course they had to work that in, didn’t they? Wouldn’t want us to forget that Kiss had cell phones!! You can buy them too!! This is just another ad for Kiss cell phones disguised as a Tommy Lee interview. The article sucks because Tommy doesn’t cry about Metal Sludge once! That’s almost as disappointing as Tommy’s CD sales.

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Next up is 4 pages on some chick I’ve never heard of who is a witch. Care.

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After that are about 5 pages on the Adult Video News Expo in Las Vegas. Go figure, there is a picture of Gene with Ron Jeremy and various porn chicks!!

Here’s photo of Houston. Chill with the lip injections, will ya? It looks like you got hit in the face repeatedly by a space heater.

Here’s Vince Neil in his natural habitat……drunk, looking fat, at a porn convention, next to a blond with fake tits. Vince can also be seen looking this way at basically any Vince Neil show, so kids, bring your cameras!

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The best part of the magazine is the Donna D’Errico photos that go along with her article. Nikki is one lucky bastard. Fuck, Donna looks really good. Providing your into hot chicks. The article itself doesn’t really say anything we don’t know. It says she used to be on Baywatch, was in Playboy, and is married to Nikki Sixx. Wow, how revealing. It’s your typical fluff piece, but the pictures makes up for it. If you want a quality interview with Donna D’Errico please read her 20 Questions and her Rewind she did with us.
 

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An interview with Fred Durst comes next, and of course it shows Fred dressed up as Ace Frehley as a kid. Just in case you forgot this was Gene’s magazine, he conducts the interview and ends up talking about himself more than he interviews Fred. Fred bitches about Wes leaving the band, yak yak yak, who cares.

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There is an ad for a Kiss checkbook! So next time you want to pay your Kiss cell phone bill, be sure to pay for it with a Kiss check. Then do me a favor and find a shotgun, place it under your chin, pull the trigger, and be buried in a Kiss Koffin.

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The rest of the magazine has a bunch of shit that is basically useless.

An article on some chick from Roswell.

Then 8 pages of a fashion shoot with some biker chicks.

2 Pages on some hat designer who makes hats for Pamela Anderson and Steven Tyler.

Another fashion photo shoot, this time at various Sunset Strip bars. I see Lemmy hanging out at the Rainbow. Hope that wasn’t a stretch to get him there for that.

After that, the rest of the magazine has a 2 page article on Weezer, a short interview with Bill Maher, and just a bunch of shit that really isn’t even worth looking it. After you’ve gone through everything, you’ll instantly forget what you just saw.

Now that I’ve looked through the magazine, let me compare Tongue to the competition.

MAGAZINE & PRICE	NUMBER OF PAGES
Maxim $3.99	212 pages
Stuff $3.99	184 pages
Playboy $4.99	180 pages
FHM $3.99	162 pages
Blender $3.99	150 Pages
Metal Edge $4.99	126 Pages
Tongue $3.99	106 pages

Of those 106 pages, the magazine has 8 Full page ads for KISS KRAP. There are also a handful of other ads that feature the KISS name and their association. There is even an ad for the Black N’ Blue catalog. Gee, I wonder who produced most of Black N’ Blue releases? There is also a 2 page column by Gene called “Tongue Lashings.” In addition you get a full color pin-up of….you guessed it…Gene on the toilet! Take away all the Kiss shit and you have a magazine that has about 92 pages. Rock City News back in 1990 had about that many pages.

Now why buy Tongue for $3.99 when you could buy numerous other magazine for the same price, with more content, better pictures, and better writing? Tongue is nothing more than another way for Gene to promote Kiss shit without spending his own money. Everything about it says “I’m just doing this so I can say that I had my own magazine and then blame others when it fails.” If you think about it, the only real success Gene has ever had was with Kiss. You remember Kiss….the band!! They actually wrote songs and played instruments. But none of Gene’s outside interests were ever really that successful.

Gene does a lot of things half-assed and is more concerned with having his name out there then giving a shit if the product is any good. Just so long as it says Kiss or Gene Simmons on it, he doesn’t care. Quality is not his concern. I mean, I heard the next issue of Tongue is going to have a photo shoot with Rena Mero, the chick that used to be Sable in the WWF. That probably would have been a good idea had the year been 1997, but obviously Gene didn’t get the memo that Rena Mero is no longer famous! Her 15 minutes expired the second she left the WWF. Gene, face it, you need help. You’re completely clueless as to what people want. My bet is the magazine will be lucky to last 5 issues.

The only real way for Gene to save his magazine is to give Metal Sludge a column! Fuck, we’d do it for free, just as long as we could say WHATEVER we want, but that’s about as likely to happen as Gene giving all his money to charity.

I’m out like Tongue’s sales,

OZZY STILLBOURNE