Random Thoughts On Another Stupid Press Release! 9/18/02

Last Spring I got what I thought at the time was the stupidest press release I’ve ever read. It was for the Rock Never Stops tour. But I might have been wrong! This one might just take the cake. Where it takes the cake, I don’t know.

It was sent to us by former Beautiful Creature’s guitarist Dj Ashba. It’s so good, even Taime “Sex” Slaughter wanted to get involved, and that’s saying something. My comments are in red and Taime’s are in gay purple.

Dj Ashba To Deliver Highly Requested Industry Debut To NYC
After Wowing L.A.’s Viper Room With New Band

Dj Ashba Hot On The Track To New Label Deal

September 17, 2002 FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

LOS ANGELES – On Wednesday, Sept. 25th, Dj Ashba will deliver to New York City great, does he work for Pizza Hut or Dominoes? his “rock star” looks, his famed lightning guitarwork, and his raspy, dirty and always sexy vocals Rock star looks? Always sexy vocals? Is this written by a real publicist or some chick who posts on the Ho Board? as he fearlessly leads his highly anticipated new band into the realm of ‘label-land’. Next door to ‘label-land’ is ‘dropped-land’ which is North of ‘unemployed-land.’ I believe Dj will also visiting these lands too. Dj and his new band will perform, at the request of several major labels, a private industry showcase at S.I.R. (520 W. 25th St.). good idea to put out a press release with the exact address of this ‘private’ showcase. That was done in hopes of having some girls camp out there waiting for him, so when the record execs show up they’ll think he’s got something going on. Last month, Dj packed Los Angeles’ Viper Room for the band’s W. Coast debut, Impressive, especially since the place only holds about 150-200 people max. Fuck, Metal Shop pack the Viper Room every Monday night. If you can’t “pack” the Viper Room then you shouldn’t even be in a band. proving he is back on the scene and ready to take on the rock world from where he left off only months ago. Where is that, the bargain bin? The last band he was in was dropped only months after their CD came out and their label invested over a million dollars in them. I would certainly hope if he’s coming back that he has higher expectations then what happened last time around.

Former lead-guitarist, co-founder and writer for the ex-Warner Bros. band Beautiful Creatures, Which is about as impressive as saying, “Not only do I run the drive-thru, but I mop the floors too!” What kind of credibility does ‘former’, ‘co’ & ‘ex’ establish here? Dj Ashba has been exceptionally active over the last few months as fans, the industry and the press watch to see what will be the next move for the kid who’s known for his onstage antics and incredible musicianship, adding a fresh modern edge to the world of rock. Sorry to piss on your candles, but the fans, the industry, and the press are watching to see what happens to Britney Spears, or Eminem, or even Axl Rose! Nobody is waiting around to see what “the kid” is going to do. By the way, “the kid” turns 30 in November. We’re all watching to see if this ‘fresh modern edge’ will cost well over a million dollars again but only sell equally to the latest indy release by Warrant

As if in response, Dj has answered the call with a massive amount of energy, enthusiasm and productivity that has garnered him increasing visibility and credibility, and made his loyal and young (meaning naive teenage girls) fanbase even more zealous and anticipatory. was the word ‘anticipatory’ really necessary here In the last half year:

? Dj wrote, performed, recorded, edited and mixed 25+ new songs
Any jackass with Pro Tools can do that. Doesn’t mean the songs are any good. I could write, perform, record, and edit 100 songs in a month but none of them would be worth listening too.
? Dj now fronts his newly-formed band “Dj Ashba”, adding charismatic lead vocals to his guitar-god talents.
Did I just see “guitar-god talents” written down? Eddie Van Halen is a guitar-god. Steve Vai is a guitar-god. Did you ever hear Eddie or Vai call themselves a guitar god? Did you ever see them issue press releases calling themselves that? No you haven’t. If you have to resort to having your publicist call you a guitar god, you’re not a guitar god. Let other people give you those names, but you don’t have your fucking publicist call you that shit. He’s a talented guitar player but he’s no guitar-god.
? Dj auditioned many talented musicians as opposed to auditioning untalented musicians who can’t play eager to work with the lead guitarist, and found “three young guys that could play their f***in’ asses off, with no egos, and who truly believed in my vision,” says Dj. My vision = you have no say so in the band at all. They are: drummer Matt Muckle (formerly of Sinomatic), bassist Rodney Rocha (formerly of American Pearl), and rhythm guitarist Dave “Skeeter” Marr. All nobodies.
? 4,000 fans downloaded Dj’s new music clips within the first week of posting. The number continues to grow.
I find that pretty remarkable that they specifically know that 4,000 fans downloaded his music. He might have had 4,000 downloads, but that doesn’t mean it was 4,000 different people. Dj’s message board says it only has 617 members, and he put up 5 songs to download. Now you know if you’re a registered member of his message board, you’re going to listen to all the stuff he posts. So if everyone of those people downloaded all 5 songs, that’s 3,085 downloads. Then you had about 183 stragglers come by and download all 5 songs, which comes out to about 800 people. Not quite as impressive anymore, is it? And you know those 617 people downloaded the songs a few times, so it’s probably even less than 800. By the way, I actually listened to a few songs and thought, “decent guitar player, lame singing” so just because you have a certain number of downloads doesn’t mean people like it.
? Ovation Guitars launched a worldwide ad campaign featuring the tattooed and pierced
guitarist from which Dj has amassed a great deal more fans, males and females alike, who continue to spread the “Dj” gospel both online and on the streets.
Can’t really remember the last time I walked down the street and heard somebody spreading the “Dj gospel” but maybe I’m not walking in the right area of town. Maybe I should be walking in ‘label-land!’
? Dj performed on CBS’ “The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn” (Aug. 19) as a special guest of Elektra recording artist Knoc-turn’Al, and at Anaheim Pond’s sold-out Power Jam.
And you’re telling me this because….
? Dj performed as a special guest in the new video “Revolution” of another Elektra recording artist, Aimee Allen (released to MTV in July).
THOUGHT: If a video is never seen, are you really in the video?

Dj also continues to grow the massive success of his website, www.djashba.com, by engaging fully with his fans. He not only hosts and manages the site, but personally answers over 200 fan e-mails a day.
A blatant lie indeed. Let’s do the math here kids. Let’s say he only replies to 180 e-mails a day and takes the weekends off. That’s 900 e-mails a week. Let’s say he types a simple 2 line response and hit’s send. That takes about 60 seconds. So Dj spends 15 hours per week just on responding to e-mails? Then he hosts, manages his site, writes all the songs, plays all the instruments, and wipes his own asshole too? Tell me another story, Grandpa.
“It’s all about staying in touch with the audience and the fans,” he says. The fans have responded in kind by delivering 7,000,000 page views on his site since its March 2002 launch.
This makes me angry. Seven million page views since March 2002? Really? Lets stop by the Alexa website and see where Dj’s site ranks. Alexa is fairly accurate as to website popularity, so lets took a look.

DJAshba.com is ranked at 522,472.
Now Jizzy Pearl’s page is ranked at 308,320.
Ratt’s website is at 170,201.
Dokken’s website is at 459,100.
Sebastian Bach is at 282,636.
Hell, even Stevie Rachelle’s website is at 297,306!
So if Dj is getting seven million page views, how many are those sites getting? 20 Million? 30 Million? Shut the fuck up. Plus, do you hear Jizzy, or even Sebastian brag about page views? If somebody was going to brag about page views, it would be Sebastian and even he knows that’s lame.
Currently, Metal Sludge is ranked at 14,965, so how many page views are we getting? 100 Billion?? If Dj’s site is getting 7 Million page views, it’s from one fat kid in Iowa who keeps hitting refresh over and over again.

In support of Dj and his fans, endorsers Ernie Ball/Music Man and Line 6 will each provide professional gear (combined $3,500 est. value) marked up 1000% to $3,500 for the jackasses who shop at Guitar Center. Actual value $350 as the Grand Prize for a contest beginning on the website in late September. An autographed Music Man Axis electric guitar and a Line 6 Flextone amp and floorboard will be awarded to the site’s registered user who delivers the most unique hits to www.djashba.com by placing banners or links strategically across the Web. So this contest is encouraging spam. Great. If Dj’s getting so many hits, why does he need to do a contest like this? Maybe we should just direct all our award winning traffic to Dj’s site so we can win a shitty amp. Says Line 6’s Tim Godwin, “Dj is just f***ing cool. He is bringing great songs and guitar playing back into rock.” Oh well hell, if Tim Godwin is saying that then it must be true!

Adds Ernie Ball’s Greg Timmons, “Ernie Ball/Music Man has a history of working with the best guitar players in music, from Keith Richards and Eric Clapton to Steve Lukather and Steve Morse. Dj is considered a player who will someday join those ranks.” that was the most absurd quote I’ve ever read in my entire life. Ovation states simply, “Dj Ashba IS rock and Roll.”

Publicity Contact (including show list info):
Julie Du Brow
dubroWORKS
Julie@dubroworks.com

Management Contact:
Katie McNeil
The Music Division
Katie@musicdivision.com

Julie, I guess if you’re related to Kevin than we can see why your mouth is overflowing with shit. But if your not please turn in your ‘press’ credentials at once and return to waiting tables at Big Boy.

Katie, we haven’t seen quality management like this since Paul Gargano took over Beautiful Creatures. Maybe you two could become the next Doc McGee/Doug Thaler genius management team!

This entire press release sounds like shit you’d hear at the Rainbow from some band guy. You know the guy. He always has “something” going on and “label interest” and “big things are happening.” Right. There’s a guy like that in every town and in every band. To summarize this press release, it’s just saying Dj Ashba is doing a showcase for some labels. WOW!!! Bands are doing label showcases every day of the week. Try sending out the press release once you’re signed because if you don’t get a deal, you just made all of this look like a joke.

I can see the record label execs rolling their eyes after reading a press release like that. People aren’t stupid and if you’ve been in the business for any length of time you can read through all that shit. All a press release like that does is set you up to be a failure. Dj is a talented guitar player, but he better not start believing the hype his publicist and manger feed him or they’re just setting him up for a fall.

Later,

OZZY STILLBOURNE & Taime “Sex” Slaughter