Ask the Stars 3 – Kendra Jade and Josie Pearl

 

Kendra Jade

and

Josie Pearl

Dear star

I am a single man in my 30s and have a small harem of girls I spend some “quality” time with. Most of these girls are above average in the looks and body department so I’m happy for that. Me myself, I love sex and love eating pussy even more. But, a couple of my little friends have a bad problem with odor down there. There is one girl who I’ve been screwing for over a year now and I’ve yet to eat her box. I really wish she’d get the hint and scrub that thing out. How can I get her to clean up the pie without embarrassing the shit out of her?

Sad in the San Fernando Valley

Josie: My first inclination is that you are lying and wasting my time, besides the occasional, extremely active rockstar, few men have a “harem” of women. However, I suggest bathing together before you have sex and if she isn’t shaved, having her do it or doing it for her. You could always get kinky and play Dr. and break out the douche. If it is still funky, there is a serious problem and she should see a REAL dr.

Kendra: Dear Sad – that IS sad!!!!…There is nothing worse then going out to eat and having the restaurant stink like fish..that reflexive gag in the back of my throat is going crazy…Tell Stinky to stop eating so much asparagus and to start eating dates or peaches, that ought to add some must to her!!! Or, suggest a shower or bath together, you can wash her down with a side of hot shower water…Get her to give her afro a hair cut, tell her the kids are all wearing their hair short these days…Unless you do one of those things, then I suggest you catch a cold or break your nose, then with the loss of the 5th sense, you can go “all you can eat” – stink free!!
Happy Dining !

---

This is a really strange place to ask this let alone talk about but I don’t know what to do. When I was 16, I met this guy in school who I was attracted to and liked. He was flirtatious with me and made me feel good about myself.
One day he asked me to skip school with him and go eat breakfast so I did thinking it was innocent. Little did I know what he really had planned for me. He took me back to his parents house and we watched TV for a while.
Needless to say, he started doing things I was not comfortable with and I told him to stop. I said that I wasn’t into doing that and I didn’t want to have sex with him. He got mad and told me that I knew exactly why he brought me there and I had been teasing him for a whole year and now he was going to see and feel me the way he had wanted to for so long. I tried to stop him but he was too big. I finally just let him get it over with. He took me back to school and I never talked about it. It was the last day of school and thank God he was graduating and I didn’t have to see him anymore. I told my husband about it before we got married and he understood my need for secrecy.
My question is how do I let this go? I know in my head that what happened wasn’t really my fault but I can’t help thinking that I did know what might happen by going to that house. Maybe I did want it before it actually happened but once he started, I got really scared and wanted him to stop. So, did I do anything to bring it on or am I just crazy for still feeling like this years later? Please give me any advice you can. I have mentioned it to a professional before but I didn’t get any real help from him. At 24, I want to put this behind me and lead a normal life. Is that possible?

Stuck in the past

Josie: I have found in situations like this, nothing feels better then revenge. If your husband hasn’t killed him already, then he is a pussy and you should start dating a nice big italian guy named Vito and let him take care of it for you. Otherwise, I have found sex with women helps tremendously. Quit having sex with men and you’ll never have to think about it again. It has worked for strippers thru-out the ages.

Kendra: Having a loved one there to comfort you and help you with your issue is a plus!! Love your man and know he wouldn’t do anything to hurt you, then have your man get 5 of his friends and tell them to grab some baseball bats and hit some cock and balls around..without the use of his dick, your asshole attacker won’t even be able to take advantage of himself and he’ll be peeing in a bag for the rest of his life.
–NOTE: To avoid any trouble with the law, have them wear masks!!! Aww, if only we could all be Lorena Bobbitt!

---

I am 25 and getting married in less than six months. My family has been absolutely no help financially or otherwise, yet they have tons of requests and things they think we should do. My fiance’s sister is the only one who has offered to pay for things and help us set it up. I am pretty close to running away and eloping-any advice?

Josie: Either take your fiance’s sisters requests only, as long as they are reasonable, or tell them to fuck off. It’s your wedding and you are paying so don’t let anyone ruin your day. Eloping is always a fun thing to do tho. I recommend the Graceland Ghapel in Vegas. There have been many notable rockstar weddings there including Jon Bon Jovi, Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra and, of course, Jizzy and Josie Pearl.

Kendra: Sounds like you are in trouble buddy…my first thoughts are that if your only 25 and you are broke, why are you getting married??? If it’s love it can wait..if you must however, you have one option…take the money and run!! Get some Vegas chip money from sis and pack up the tux and dress, and alcohol and drive to sin city..get married, party hard, fuck hard and on the last day gamble the money..if you win, pay back sis, if you lose, oh well, get drunk and thank sis for helping you get married!!

---

Hi my name is Jesse and I am a 16 year old male. My problem is there is this girl I realy like. I just don,t know what to say to her. I am realy shy and it is hard for me to talk to girls with out making an ass out of myself. The only thing I say to her is hi when I see her. Usally when I like a girl I write her a letter,but the girls never answer me back. In all honesty I don,t she would go out with me. I have liked her for almost two years. I have never liked a girl like I like this one. I want to try to be friends with her first before I tell her I like her. I just want to know how to approach her,and what to say.

Josie: At 16 you don’t have to be that smooth because unless the chick is one hell of a slut, she doesn’t even know any smooth guys. Get a group of friends together and meet up with her and her friends. Not too much pressure there. Send her flowers, or just tell her you’d like to take her to the movies or something. If she says no, ask out an easy chick.

Kendra: Jesse – it sounds to me like you are a borderline homosexual…This whole “I wrote her a letter and I get shy around her” shit is so “Teen Wolf”…Unless you know how to transform into a wolf and play some serious basketball, I don’t see you getting near this chick unless you GROW A SET OF BALLS…girls like confidence…until then, enjoy yourself in the privacy of your parents bathroom…

---

I am a 26 year old of 2 boys ages 9 years old and 19 months. I have been a huge Poison fan since the beginning and I think my husband is jealous of the love I have for the band. He thinks that a woman that has 2 kids and is 26 years old shouldn’t be going to concerts….I on the other hand tell him to fuck off!! But I thought I could use someone else’s opinion. Also my 9 year old wants to go to a Poison show with me. I don’t know if he is ready for that kind of thing and kinda feel uncomfortable about that. Thanks for the help!!

Josie: I wouldn’t advise taking a child to a rock concert where people are doing drugs, drinking, swearing and flashing their tits but as long as you just watch the show and go home and you aren’t one of the chicks lining up to get backstage and suck some cock I dont see what the harm is. I advise you to buy as many tickets as possible and bring all your friends

Kendra: Well it sounds like your man’s got a jealousy issue with Bret Micheals…I mean there should be no reason for him to be pissed about your love for a make up-wearing-big-hair-having-pornstar-fucking-king-of-the-monster-ballad who gets chicks that look like Pamela Anderson every day of the week, and probably is way better looking and has way more money than your husband and is all around a great guy….Umm…Try fucking his brains out better than ever to a Poison song and see if he still hates on Poison…on the other hand, a woman with 2 kids going to a poison show with her 9 year old isn’t exactly what Bret and company are looking for in a back stage after party romp so he REALLY shouldn’t have a problem..stick with your intuition – tell him to fuck off!!

---

What’s up? Here’s my issue:

I’ve been with this girl for over a year. About 4 months into the relationship we started having sex like good little boys and girls. I’ve gone down on her, fingered her, she’s givin’ me handjobs and all that jazz… but NO HEAD!!!

Seriously, all i want is a little blowjob. I’ve done all i could to make her feel comfortable, i shaved my balls and all that stuff; i’ve made it pretty OBVIOUS that i just want her to slob the knob.

The thing is, i don’t want to bring it up directly… because she’ll feel FORCED to do it, or she’ll deny me completely and i’ll feel like a fucking dick.

How do i get her to suck on my johnson??

Josie: Are you circumcised? Is there smega? Did you try some cologne and a shower? Still no? Well then just tell her that you would love her to try it. Maybe she is nervous or doesn’t know how. Be sweet and she will be deep throating in no time. If that doesn’t work, stop eating her box.

Kendra: If you are approaching ANY girl with lines like “suck on my johnson” or “slob the knob” I don’t blame her for not giving you a little dick to mouth action…Unless…., yes that’s it!! Try paying her!! At least if she was getting $100 bucks out of it, it would make her feel like she’s doing someting worthwhile..I mean if you are gonna talk to her like she’s a whore, then at least pay her like one…Seriously though – some girls aren’t down for go down, you have to ease them into it. You have to learn how to walk before you can crawl…perhaps some chocolate sauce might help your dick look more appetizing? Until then, I recomend Gold Bond medicated cream for blue balls…

---

Dear Star,

I am 18 years old and from Australia, about a month ago a fairly big producer/manager saw us play and was immediately impressed. He wanted to record us asap, We are now two weeks away from starting our sessions but here’s the problem…We want rid of our drummer!

He was one of the original members back when we were only 13 and he is a great friend, but his playing has always been below average, only now it is a HUGE problem. He has a fiery, stubborn temper, if he fucks up in rehearsal he trys to blame it on us, he can’t play the parts I want him to, he tries to tell us what to do (even though he has never written ANY part of a song), he struggles to keep time and as a person, in the last year or two he has turned into a bit of a disagreeable prick. We have grown musically, and he hasn’t, and it is very hard to work with him. We know if we don’t fire him that the producer/manager dude will hear him play in the studio and say “i’m not recording you unless you get a new drummer” so we want to save the embarrassment of turning up with him.

Thing is, he will take it very badly. We will definiely lose the friendship, and he will probably shit talk us to all our friends (he thinks he’s better than us) and make us out to look like the bad guys. People will probably listen to him too before hearing our side.

This could be our shot, and I believe that we have what it takes to make it, our drummer has always dragged us down, and I know we aren’t gonna get far unless we fire him.

So what’s the best way to go about this?

How do we break it to him?

Should we find a replacement now? before we fire him?

Thanks for your help!

***AL***

Josie: Well, you are thinking like a rockstar already. Get someone else and ditch the dead weight. You gotta fuck a lot of people over to get to the top and this should be good practice.

Kendra: AL – DONT BE SUCH A PUSSY…This is the music BUSINESS…MUSIC-BUSINESS…you want to make money??? You want to sell records?? This guy is holding you back??? You want it?? Well then I think you already know what to do…If not, have fun doing Silverchair covers, playing weddings and bar mitzvahs in Sydney…FIRE HIS ASS..

---

Sincerely,
Tess Sanford
Honolulu, Hawaii

Josie: Do whatever makes you happy. Grief is a process that affects everyone differently, when you are ready you will know. Having sex with a chick might help.

Kendra: It sounds like you really had a good guy! It’s sweet and endearing that you still stay true to your late husband, but your also human and you obviously have the desire to be with someone or you wouldn’t be seeking my help. When the time is right for you to have some fun, you’ll know it..and hell, you live in Hawaii, go take a stroll down to the beach and find some married tourist and fuck with him, but don’t touch him..that will be good practice for you and maybe even a little fun…after a few “tease sessions” you’ll know if your ready to really go out and find you a man! On the other hand – if you can manage fine without a man, all the power to you..love your kids and love yourself!!

---

I am a 28 year old female that looks like Im in my early 20s. I am an education professional, have a nice apartment, and have a lot of good friends. However, I have been single for YEARS. The only guys I meet are either 20-25 year old losers that have no jobs, live with their moms and have no life, or they are 40+ year old boring schmucks that I have nothing in common with. Where does a person find a guy that is smart, educated AND a metal head?

Josie: That’s a pretty tall order. Maybe you are looking in the wrong places, but then again how educated do you think most men that write songs like “fuck like a beast” really are?

Kendra: Ok ..Let me get this right … You only seem to attract 20-25 year old losers with no jobs or 40 year old shmucks…WAKE UP HONEY !!! This is the real world..Those are the two options we have in 2002. Either take the youngster who is probably fiery in the bed and would go down until the sun came up, or ride the viagra train and talk Bob Seger with the 40 year old..You want to find a SMART, EDUCATED METAL HEAD>> isn’t that the new Metal Sludge Ad campaign to attract 28 year olds who look like 20 year old chicks to their site??? Good luck – if you find your perfect man, let me know if he has a brother…

---

while the metal-sludge site kicks fuckin ass all around, i do belive that the absolute best thing ever reported here was the ever awesome Donna D’Errico’s brilliant out-take on Pamela that read something along the lines of: “if she had as many dicks going out of her than she has had going into her, she would be a porcupine!”.

now my question on this very important subject is:

Is Nikki Sixx the luckiest man alive today or what? It is always great to see a celeb as they really are as a person, and sludge proves the Sixxter kicks ass, but hey, Donna takes the fuckin’ cake!!!
As David Lee Roth would say, “Give that girl a backstage pass!!!!”
…Oh, she has one.

OK, then, as Howard Stern would say, “Give that girl a free set of implants!!!!”
…Oh, she has ‘em.

OK, then, hmmmmmmmmm, let me see, what would make things great???? What would make me feel really good right about now?
OK, “Give Nikki Sixx a one way ticket to the North Pole or somewhere and Donna a one way ticket to me!!!”

So what’s the answer. Is Nikki Sixx the luckiest man alive today or what?

the Magic Man

Josie: I would leave the comedy to someone else, but yes, Nikki is a lucky man. Donna is a piece of ass.

Kendra: While Nikki Sixx may have luck bangin busty blondes, you, my friend shouldn’t be gawking..Afterall YOU are the Magic Man–I would think that you didn’t get that name from pulling hankys out of a hat. You are obvously surrounded by an aura that should allow you to score a D’errico of your own..Come on man, magic men get chicks – look at David Copperfield. He was fucking Claudia Schiffer right? And Sigfried definately fucks Roid (or however you spell it)…I got an easy magic trick for you to score a hot blonde…ready? Your gonna need a phone book and a major credit card..you got it? Good…Now flip the yellow pages to the letter E, as in escorts..then call the first number you see. Ask them for a blonde (you can say abra cadabra if you must) and give them your credit card number and PRESTO within 45 minutes you make your very own Donna D’errico appear!! Otherwise, stick to your day job, trying to bag moms while doing card tricks at little Billys 7th bday party…

---

I have what I would consider a rather difficult situation happening here. First and foremost its important for you to know that I am a 31 year old women and a recovering alcoholic as this pertains directly to the question at hand. Also, note that I am in my first year of recovery…a very difficult time in and of itself.

Anyway, among other things in your first year, it is advised to not get involved emotionially or sexually with anyone as it could trigger relapse and/or cause un-needed or unwanted stress early on in your sobriety. There is more to it than that but I think we get the idea as to why its discouraged. Here is where my problem starts.

I have ALWAYS been a very sensual/sexual person but when I was drinking that subsided a little as a lot of senses become dulled. But that didnt stop me from having sex it just made it less fulfilling and to be quite honest…sometimes I wouldnt even remember it at all…and I know that this may seem awful, and difficult to understand but other than maybe my first or second sexual exerience…I cant remember the last time I was with someone when I wasnt high on alcohol and as a final consequence of my drinking I was raped and I pretty much stopped having any kind of sexual relations for about the last year an a half of my drinking…

So here is the problem…now that I am not drinking and getting on with my life I find myself thinking about sex all the time but as I aready stated at this point in my sobriety it is suggested that I not act on those feelings and the worst part about it is even if I can hold out the suggested minimum waiting time…what kind of lover am I going to be? IF I can even be one!!… what got this whole drinking bit started was the feeling of inadequacy and low self-esteem and so when I would drink it would make me feel a lot less inhibited and more confident and thus PROBABLY making me a better lover…So am I going to revert to that ultra shy insecure person after all these years of FEELING secure at least sexually…(even if falsey) It scares me to death to think that I may not be as sexually exciting or as uninhibited as I used to be. What is your opinion, advice, comments on this? And WHY am I asking you? Because at this point in my recovery I am not ready to open myself up ! that much even to the people at my meetings etc. Right now this is much safer to me. Please Help Me Out even your thoughts and or comments could probably help a lot.
Thanks,
Jody

Josie: It is one thing to be a drunken slut, being a sober one is entirely unacceptable. I say wait it out. Seriously, sobriety is a very difficult thing and you don’t want to fuck that up over sex. Get a pearl rabbit or a pocket rocket from your local sex shop, it will make you much happier then any man and your sobriety will remain intact.

Kendra: Jody – congrats on staying sober!!!!!!! However, until you are ready to have booze free sex, I got one piece of advice for you..vibrator!! It doesn’t talk back, fart in bed, snore, call you names, eat your food, piss on your floor..It fucks you till you cum, then leaves you alone..hell, you can even pick the size! After a month of that, you’ll know what to do!!

---

Dear Ask The Stars:

I want to start my own hair band, but I’m suffering from male pattern baldness. I’ve tried rogaine and all those other drugs to no avail. Can I succeed as a bald fart in a hair band?

Signed

Thinning in Raleigh

Josie: No. Get hair plugs or invest in a really good wig.

Kendra: A hair band with no hair..hmmm…you know, it just might work!! If it doesn’t then NO. Give it up. You are old and bald. Go watch tv or something, and please..try not to hurt yourself!!!

---

Dear Metal-Sludge Mystery Star of the Month,
I need some advice on where and how to find a girl basically. I’m 18 years old, I’ve graduated from high school early (Yeah, thats right, im smart, hell, I even got second place a few years ago in the Metal-Sludge Fozzy Story Contest), I’m an Assistant Manager at a Blockbuster, average looks and a pretty decent personality but I have an extremly hard time relating to girls my own age.
I have yet to meet a single girl who likes anything 80’s Metal like me. You mention Poison, GNR, Van Halen and most of these girls just ask “Who? Don’t you like Creed?” I’d just like to meet a nice girl, with good taste in movies and music. I have no problem being friends with girls. But it’s always just friends. Then of course, the jealous boyfriend steps in and we all end up hating each other. I repeat this scenario about every 3 months and quite frankly, Im sick of it.
On ocassion I get lonely and I have to break out the Monster Ballads. And then I sit around sad and pathetic like a whiny, PMSing bitch for a couple days. I reflect on my miserable one date and how the few girls I’ve been friends with, developed a proxomity infacuation for and how they are no longer on speaking terms with me.
So please, offer me some advice. Advise me on where to look for some metal loving girls, and how exactly do I get their attention. I just can’t stand meeting anymore of these air headed, superficial, Creed loving, psycho bitches. What does a girl look for and how do I go about starting a meaningful relationship with one.

Sincerely,
Brandon Myers

Josie: Try buying some tickets to the Poison show this summer, getting some friends together and talking to some girls there, because obviously they have similar taste. Avoid the ones with knee pads and sticky passes, cause you ain’t gonna get no where, and avoid the ones there with dates. Should work out just fine for ya.

Kendra:
Dear Assistant at Blockbuster,
I recently rented Donnie Darko on dvd and returned it 17 days late. I’ll make you a deal, erase my late charges and I’ll come and fuck you!! Now only if it were that easy. WAKE UP!! It’s quite obvious that the place you need to go to find cute chicks your age is: A CREED CONCERT..suck it up, call the girl, buy 2 tickets, a couple t-shirts, spend a couple of hours praising jesus and singing “when you are with me I’m freeeeee..” and see your self at first base by the 2nd encore…get home, nail her and then celebrate with some Appetite For Destruction…if she leaves, oh well – you got yours..otherwise, let me know about those late charges..

---

Hi,
It’s been some days since I meet this beautifull and cool girl, and after hours talking, laughing and drinking, we end up kissing each other and spending a lot of time together, high quality time, I gotta say. I’ve felt in love with this girl, but I don’t think she liked me that much, how can I make her love me ?
Some information on her:
-cool girl
-she’s pretty
-she loves iron maiden
-she smokes pot
-she drinks beer
and some info on me:
-cool boy
-not so pretty, but ok
-I love poison, bon jovi and motley crue
-don’t smoke
-I also like beer
thanx for your time!
Mr. So tell me why, from S?o Paulo- Brazil

Josie: Have you considered a pact with the prince of darkness? Call her and see how she reacts. If she is interested you will know. Otherwise drown your sorrows at a non smoking, beer serving titty bar.

Kendra: Well senior So – you can’t make her love you, but, from the sounds of it, you can get her fucked up and take her upstairs for a quickie..She may grow to love you in time, or get used to being force fed beer from you and devolp an alchohol dependancy – either way you’re good….

Much love,
and for more info please visit : kendrajadeonline.com, or thestonemovement.com