Ask the Stars 4 – Matt from the Wild Boyz

 

with

Matt (Steavanz) Karp

 

Okay Wild Onez, Matt (Thumper) is here to help you out of your perverse little-too-much-time-on-your-hands-problems. Now I know some of you not might appreciate me being your “star”, but look at it this way: of all the current “rock stars” out there sludgin’ it, I’m the only one who got the hell out with my brain still in tack and to boot don’t resemble an obese mutant amphibious freak (more on Jani Lane later).

So with the experience I possess (and the fact that Chris Jericho was too busy to answer your questions originally), I am here to help.

The Wild Doctor is “In”.

I have a question about my “pink girlie parts”. My labia minora (inner lips) extend pass my labia majora (outer lips). They have been this way since my early teens. I would say they stick out about 1/4 to 1/2 inches. I also have a fairly thick hood over my clitoris, althought I don’t seem to have an unusually large clitoris. Needless to say, I’m rather meaty down there. I’ve seen pornos and dirty magazines and haven’t noticed anyone with my condition. It’s made me kinda self-conscience of my little kitty. I know this isn’t totally uncommon, but it doesn’t seem to be the norm either.
So, my question is: Does this type of pussy appearence strike guys as freakish, or do they look at it as more to munch?
Signed, Fleshy Pink ( i )

First of all, I take it you were born a woman?yes? I mean if there is some surgery that was not stated above, I can’t help you. Refer to Jackie Enx. However, barring that, the first thing I can say is you’re spending way too much time staring at your scootch. If you’ve already named it, (little kitty) you’re too familiar with it. Know two things:
1. You hold the power of the world there, no matter what it looks like. Last year, the male species spent an aggregate total of 1.2 trillion dollars on “little kitties”. Whether on touching it, looking at it, buying it dinners and diamonds, promising suns and moons to it, etc…etc. Feel confident and blessed you’ve got that thing.
2. Men don’t care, trust me, what it looks like. Most of them really don’t want to actually see it, they all look like a jagged knife wound up close anyway?yes even Donna D’Errico’s. So your job is to keep the lights off and play coy enough to land the one whose really going to give you his share of the 1.2 trillion.

Oh yeah, another thing: there’s nothing a guy hates more than a woman he bags too easy. Make him work for that flesh. Guys hate to commit, so it’s fun to see ‘em squirm and writhe and actually do it.

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Nick….”golden shower”

Hmmm, this used to happen to the Wild Boyz all the time?except for the “girls” part and the “threesome” part and the “sex” part and the “getting drunk” part. So here’s what I advise:
First of all don’t feel bad you forgot your camera. Footage like this always wears with time. I mean yeah it’s “in” and hip today to defecate and urinate on someone, but in five or ten years everyone will be doing it and then your video would have been be dated and unimportant.
You can pat yourself on the back that you’ve got some measure of morality.
But if you feel you need to repent in some way, you should give these girls Anthony Foggy’s phone number. You’ll make a nice match, you’ll feel better about yourself and you can wash your hands of the whole affair?so to speak.

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Dear Random Star,
I’m 17 years old and made the terrible mistake of telling some people I’m not a virgin when I am. Now I’m paranoid because now I have a new boyfriend, and I’m afraid if we end up having sex I’ll bleed all over and he’ll know that I’m a liar. I know it was a stupid thing to do, but how do I fix this problem? Is there any excuse that I can give? I can’t stand the thought of telling everyone the truth.
Thanks,
Anonymous

Quick answer. Maybe it’s too obvious?DON’T HAVE SEX. Let’s do the math and let’s look at a little “scenario”: No sex = no bleed, no boyfriend leaving you after ten or fifteen sex sessions, no pregnancy, no fat pregnant wedding dress pictures, no dropping out of college, no dumping your unwanted kid in dare-care at six days old, no getting a disease from your husband who just slept around on you cuz he was forced to marry you, no trying to “Bobbit” your husband at night, no landing in jail for ten years, no strung out on crystal meth, no pushing a grocery cart behind a K.F.C. fighting the bums for the last bit of meat on a chicken bone.

I think my point is clear. Stay pure and let this guy do the right thing by you: Marry you and he gets a pleasant virgin surprise on the wedding night or he can masturbate about you and the wedding night. Also, look at the other “ladies” on this “ask the stars” section. You want to end up like them? You’re a damn novelty in this world, be proud of it. Trust me, if Kendra Jade and Josie Pearl could turn back their clock and their hymen, you bet your ass they would. (By the way, the aforementioned “scenario” is completely fictional; any resemblance to Donnie & Joni Vie’s actual marriage is purely unintentional).

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I think your should understand your friend a little bit. She sounds like she goes for, what we in the Boyz called: The Tommy Lee Syndrome. It’s where the woman knows the guy’s going to eventually lead-pipe you upside the head, figuratively and literally, but she thinks that she’ll reform him.

The only thing you can do is give her the information and hope she uses it. Otherwise, if you keep it from her and she ends up on the wrong side of the daisies, you’ll be getting a knock on the door from a shiny badge and a ringside seat at a grand jury.

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I’ve managed to get myself into a somewhat complicated and sensitive romance situation, and this being my first foray into the world of love, I have no fucking clue what I’m doing. Like I said, this is a hella complicated situation, so excuse the short novel I’ve written explaining it

Ok, I’m 19 years old and as previously mentioned, I haven’t had a girlfriend yet. My problem is I find a girl I might like and automatically think that there’s no way she’d be interested in a guy like me. But last Christmas I found someone I liked and things actually looked like they might turn out differently. She was hired on as a Christmas temp in the shop I work in, and one night we all went out for a christmas party. As the evening wore on we started chatting and then she pulled me out onto the dance floor for a bit, before we departed arm in arm for something to eat. Other than my manager firing us questioning looks (He has a “no dating co-workers” rule,
which was about to be broken anyway as two of my other colleagues got together that night regardless) the evening was awesome.

After that we got pretty friendly with each other, while before we didn’t speak to each other that much, however much to my dismay she wasn’t hired on permanently after Christmas and lost her job. I didn’t see her again until March, when myself and a group of friends took time off work to travel out of town for the weekend to a show. To my pleasant surprise, she was also going to the show with our group. While we where there we started chatting, and we started going around together, and she even agreed to sleep in the same bed as me (As there where 6 of us sharing a double bedroom), and on the train home we sat next to each other and shared our food. I also found out that she was being re-hired at my shop (As the people we kept on where crap). Everything seemed to be going right.

Until another person was hired on at the same time as her. I think you can see where this is going. Now I have nothing against this guy, he’s as cool as can be and I get on great with him. But suddenly she seemed to be attracted to him as well. He’s already told a mutual friend of ours that he’s not interested in her like that, though she seems to favour him over me. On top of that, there have been rumours circulating that she IS dating this other guy, which she says where started by someone else, who denies that it was him who started them. The whole situation is getting real ugly real fast, it’s so bad our manager has set our work hours up so we don’t see each other.

I used to feel floaty inside when I thought about her, but now I just feel sick and depressed. I thought that she really liked me. She still pops in to work occaisionally and talks to me, but I’m not sure if she still does like me or not…

What should I do?
-CP

Dude?dude?dude. I’m crying over my keyboard right now. You’re so innocent, so pure, so vulnerable, so?clueless. Let me get the “caps lock” on here?SHE NEVER LIKED YOU LIKE YOU WANTED HER TO!!!

I counted twelve and a half sign posts in that little history story there that she said: FRIEND…FRIEND?AND LISTEN BRAINSLUDGE, I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND. This one is history pal. Let it go. Flush it now before you go down with it. Let Metal-Sludge be your guide. Look at what they expose for the betterment of society; bands that can’t let go. Just think, you can accomplish what any band member of Rockfest cannot; flush the crap away. I mean these guys are in their forties and are still in bands because they can’t flush the crap. They’ll be buried in the Perris Record mortuary with headstones reading: “Here Lay Mike Fasono. Accidentally Strangled By That Stupid-Ass Towel Around His Neck That He Thought Was So Cool To Photo With”. Or “Here Lay Butch Walker, He Couldn’t Stop Talking In Lame Clich?s And Died Trying To Think Up New Ones”. (Butch’s next stop is Rockfest and Perris Records, stay tuned). Or “Here Lay The Wild Boyz, They Couldn’t Even Get Signed To Perris Even After Years Of Trying, But We Did Them A Favor Anyway”.

See what I mean? Do yourself a favor and do something all these bands cannot: keep your self-respect and act like you are in love with someone else: yourself. Get a new friend while you’re at it. Be nice, but just keep it short with this chick, and never call her again no matter how much that itch tells you to. Make us proud and be an example to Phil Varone and withstand the urge.

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I hold a bachelors degree in Psychology and am furthering my career in the next year by pursuing my doctorate in Clinical Psychology. I would like to specialize in Conflict Resolution. Here’s my thought on this: there seems to be much chaos and tremendous misunderstanding between band members. No one seems to communicate anymore, instead, everyone resolves themselves to issuing press releases and widening the gap between themself and their band mate.

Do you feel, as a professional musician, that there is a market for my future services?

If so, who do you think would be willing to pay for the services: record company, management, the band themselves?

Thank you for your guidance-

Vanessa R.
Ohio

Vanessa, if you can visit the mind of a band member to do your research, you know like “Being J. Malkovich”, you’d need a de-lousing and an Orkin professional immediately. Forget about them. They’d sit in your office, lie to you, make you feel sorry for them, then try to get into your pants suit. They’re beyond help. Let them be. A man’s ego is bigger than your educated mind can fathom. Go save the whales or start a recycling center if you want to heal the world. Or call my ex-drummer, his ego should be just about deflating by now.

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Sludge, I need your advice on something. My ex-girlfriend broke up with me last week because she apparently lost feelings for me. We did have a long-term relationship and I actually thought it might have worked. Anyway, a week and a half ago she was about me then last week her feelings just changed and got with my best friend. My best friend lives near her and I don’t know what to do. I am all emotional about this and really could use some rock n roll advice. Thanks for taking time to listen to my fucking problems.

EddiiSeven

Mr. Seven. Wow, the memories you just brought back. The pain. The tears. The wailing to every song on the radio. The spying on her on her front lawn. The sprinklers turning on. The nights looking down at the fast-moving traffic on Highway 101 from atop a bridge.

Yeah, I almost felt bad taking that dude’s girl. I think he did jump, by the way.

Anyway, it was no great victory, cuz after a few years with her, I was on that bridge. My point is this, Valentino, if that girl left you after all this time, she’ll do the same to the new schlong and so on and so on. It’s not natural for chicks to leave dudes. She’s got some “dude chromosome” in her. You got a sleeper Al Queda broad. Her time was due. And don’t hate your friend, just pity him and take out a good insurance policy on him. Do a little homework next girl out. Read some red flags. This ex-girlfriend of mine dumped some dude for me. The aforementioned dude walked toward me and I thought he was going to crack me one. But he shook my hand instead and said “good luck”. It took me a few years to figure out what he meant and extricate myself from that ground-zero of a relationship. The only solace I had was that the Wild Boyz were going to “make” it and I would show her. Oooops.

2 to 1, she’s going to call you back some time soon and want a little “familiar”. You can get your revenge then and tell her you really pity her and that you’re not available. If she doesn’t call?cool. Move on, (once again unlike the bands in Rockfest), and get a life.

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Dear guest star,

Sometimes I lay in bed at night while pretending I’m sucking on Blackie Lawless’ huge, tasty, curvacious, perky yet supple man titties. The way they jiggle when he’s onstage and in the WASP videos really drives me crazy.
I find myself questioning my sexuality because of this. Am I a lesbian?

~Confused in Cleveland~

You know, I think this one is for Donna Anderson.
Donna, let me know what you think of this ~Thing in Cleveland~ and I’ll be politically correct in answering her back.

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To whom it may concern:

I am interested in pursuing music as a career. However, there’s one aspect of it that I’m unsure about. Judging by all the stuff they say on Metal Sludge, it seems like pretty much every rock star gets caught up in the “rock and roll lifestyle,” which would include promiscuous sex, drugs and heavy drinking. I don’t want to get caught up in all that, because I know how those things can destroy a person’s life, but as I said before, it appears that a good portion of the rock stars end up that way. My question is: Do you think it’s possible to become a “rock star,” but not get caught up in the debauchery?

Ian

Ian,

Debauchery in Greek is translated as “the music business”, so you’re already at odds. I guess there are some pockets of purity out there, but it’s only when the bands are having their salad days. Once they are on the downslide, things start to get terribly ugly. At that point, guys get desperate at about 35 years of age; realize that they’re never going to amount to much in life. They start sneaking in and out of wig shops, they start considering marriage, usually with the first woman who has a bank account, they cry more and say things like “Okay guys I know it’s just Perris Records, but it’s our way back into the business”. Then surviving comes into their minds and they wonder what the hell they’re going to do with their lives for the next few years, how they’re going to eat, who’s going to have sex with them. And then they’ll do just about anything. Like I said, it gets ugly. (That’s the short history of Rockfest, just for your information).

So unless you have some great talent for making money, say like making soap or something, your chances are small that you’ll survive the business and have your self-respect in tact.

Maybe you can start a trend? Who knows? “Just say no to drugs and debauchery” might catch on. You and Ted Nugent can be the spokesmen.

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Dear Miscellaneous Rock Star,

This seems a strange place to ask this kind of question, but it isn’t exactly something you can go
and ask your Mom…I am a 28 yr. old happily married woman. Since kids have come along (we have 4 of them), my sex life has dwindled to nothing. I am 5’3″, blonde hair/green eyes, 115# and have a 34DD chest (all natural- no silicone thank you very much), so I KNOW it’s not that I have let myself go that my hubby isn’t interested anymore. There’s the background – here’s my question. I have been discussing with my hubby the possiblity of bringing others into our bedroom. I have never been involved with another woman, but am very interested in doing so. I have gone so far as to find another woman who would like to have a relationship with me as well. We have also discussed bringing in another man for us both. My hubby is 200% for the broadening of our marital boundaries without any hesitation. So, I need to know is this crazy? Can a marriage endure all the possible scenarios and still remain strong? There are jealousy issues, health issues, fidelity issues all to think about. Is it simply stupid to invite others into a marriage bed just to have fun, or am I over-analyzing this? Should I just relax and enjoy the experience? Any thoughts would be most appreciated!

Sincerely,

Horny Housewife in Mass.

I knew Massachusetts was a hotbed of Liberalism but wow?
Let’s see. Where do I start? Let’s be honest at this point.
1. You are not happily married. A dwindled sex life means happiness has left the building, toots.
2. This plan of yours will fulfill every nasty fantasy one of you has (i.e. MR. 200%) and a funny thing will happen, bliss and happiness will return to the aforementioned Mr. 200%. You, on the other hand, will find somewhat less happiness in knowing your husband’s fantasies are totally fulfilled by someone other than you. Unless of course there’s something wrong with your female hardwiring and you want some strange Italian dude’s pork in you. Sorry, but I can’t relate to that kind of female.
3. I guess if you guys can’t resist your southern urges, and find nothing wrong in this, maybe the thought of your kids will cool your loins. I once heard that parents were supposed to be the guiding lights and the moral examples for their children to follow?what a bunch of crap, huh? Anyway?back to my loins.

I think you already stated the reasons not to do this. Marriage aint easy, but figure it out. Work at it. It’ll be worth it. If you love your husband, don’t give him everything he wants. Men are strange creatures, don’t give him what he wants, it’s the death sentence of your “happy” marriage. Of course if it excites you having some random sweaty Spaniard on top you gruntin’ and a’ groanin’ ‘say le vie’. Just don’t wonder why your kids grew up, converted to Islam and blew themselves up in a pizzeria or something.

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1. Go rent a movie called Chasing Amy. It’ll answer all your questions about how much import you give the past.
2. Go to see Rockfest this summer and you’ll see people who can’t give up the past.
3. See my “20 Questions” on someone who laughs at his past.
4. Put the pieces together and stop being a crybaby.
I wonder if she knew all the disgusting things that go through your mind on an hourly basis if she’d look past that and still date you. So stop acting like Sebastian Bach and buy some humility. You’re lucky a woman wants to give herself to you at all. There?I feel better.

I applaud everyone for exposing your darker sides as you did and hope this helps. I have a general prescription for everyone: Sit back, relax, break out the hairspray and leather vests. Visit Metal-Sludge.com twice a day. Comb your hair over one eye, put on track 5 of the Wild Boyz’ “Unleashed” and sing out “Take me, in the heat of the night, make it hot?oh yeah feel your temperature rise and take me.” Think of calmer, gentler times when bands knew when to quit the business. Because we’re living in times when a lot of maniacal Muslims are planning to fry this world and turn everyone into obese mutant amphibious freaks. And only Jani Lane would wish for that.

Sorry if I came off bitter and jealous of a certain summer concert, in fact, I retract everything I said. Is anyone on Rockfest looking for a “back-up guitar player”, please I need the work?!?

Stay Wild and Rock on Soichi.

The Wild Doctor is “out”.