Ask the Stars 6 – Scott Ian from Anthrax

Dear Mystery Star,

My boyfriend is interested in having a threesome with me and another girl. I have to say, I like the idea alot too, it’s always been a fantasy of mine to be with another woman. The problem is, he wants the other girl to do sexual things with him too, and I don’t like that idea. So I told him to scratch the idea, because really, it would be selfish of me to say I want the woman to just do things with me (even though my boyfriend could do stuff with me, he wouldn’t just be watching or anything, but he wants more than that). My boyfriend doesn’t understand where I’m coming from, and says that it wouldn’t mean anything if he just has this other girl go down on him or whatever, and he thinks I’m being unreasonable, arguing that it was my idea in the first place. I only told him it was a fantasy, I never said I’d actually follow through on it, sometimes the fantasy is better than the actual doing. But is it possible for a guy to just get into that scene to play out a fantasy, or is this just a way for the guy to get away with screwing someone else and not having to say he cheated on me?

—Trina—

Why not invite the neighbor’s dog and a local Priest as well. This way your boyfriend can get away with beastiality too, and the Priest can bless it.

Do you think that the appearence of bands like Strokes and Hives, that, even if they suck just a little bit, do real rock, is a great sign? After a “dark era” after grunge, will the world be normal and fuckin cool again like in the 80s? (Oh, I hope It?s Stevie Rachelle!!!!!)

Alana Manzoro

If you think that those bands play real rock, you are mistaken. It’s pop. Sorry. And who is Stevie Rachelle?

Vaughn

You my friend, are funny.
They left out the dinosaurs with the truth.

Dear Ask the Stars,

I am an attractive blonde woman of 33 who has a 36-25-36C figure and lots of fun stuff in my life.

I don’t have a problem meeting men, but I have a big problem getting deeper into a relationship for one reason – I have herpes. Not from slutting around, but from a guy I loved, by the way.

Nothing else, I’ve had all the tests, but I’ve been celibate since I found out and don’t know how to or when to bring this up with a guy who likes me.

So I back away. All the other advice sites give out bullshit like “tell them when you’re ready, in a non-intimate situation” but I don’t even get that far because I don’t know how they’ll react, and I’m too scared in case it’s negative.

Sure hope you can help me with this one, I want some honest to god, down to earth feedback.
Love,
Suzi

From this website?
How about, “Hi, I have herpes!”

Some of my favorite VH1 Behind the Music episodes are the ones that feature metal bands from the 80’s. However, it seem as if you can’t qualify to be on unless you’ve lost everything, entered a Re-hab clinic and moved back home with your parents for a while (“It went from a house of whores, to a house of horrors”)…All time classic VH1 line.

My question is, other than Simmons and Stanley and the Kiss money making machine, were there any stars that banked and invested their money, knowing that it wouldn’t last forever, and today are financially set? It seems as if so much could be made so quick, that there had to be at least a couple of well known names of that time that either bought real estate, or franchises.

Vince in Cincinnati.

Try www.igiveafuckforthem.com

My teeth hurt like a fucking madman. I think it’s because my wisdom teeth have been going through growth spurts, which in turn is crowding out the rest of my teeth and pushing them into each other. There’s a constant pain now on my lower row of teeth that won’t quit.

I don’t have any dental insurance and forking over $1,000+ to get my teeth pulled isn’t exactly high on my priority list. Will the pain eventually go away if I just let it go? Are there any topical pain killers I can use? Do you think this is going to cause me massive dental damage in the end?
Please help . . . the throbbing pain is getting really fucking old.

R. Jason Coulston

Dear Snaggletooth,
Crooked teeth are one thing. That’s OK. Look at Patricia Arquette. Get your fucking teeth fixed if they hurt. Do you want to end up looking like Shane McGowan? Spend the money you cheap bastard.

Dear Metal Sludge,

Whut up former rock star/present day porn star…Quick question here. My band has played a couple of gigs and has gotten a heck of a reception. My question is, when do I get laid from this? (PS the music is not necessarily unchick friendly nor do we frighten like Slipknot or Vince Neil).

Horny in Hoepenskockeninendsonend

When you can spell the word what.

Dear Rocker X,
Trying to make this as simple as possible. 50% of the time I want a house with the white picket fence, the dog, and the fat faced baby. The rest of the time I want a man who is not into babies, likes art galleries, fast cars, loud music, clubbing and mad sex at all hours. I’ve been dating a Volvo driving, Motorola Engineer, who digs dogs, white picket fences, and shopping at Pottery Barn. I love him and can see myself living happily ever after with him.

The problem: I know that he will never freak buck wild on the kitchen counter, consider fucking in public, he doesn’t dance, and isn’t the least interested in playing at Bondage “lite”. Sex is pretty much the same, day in-day out. Pun intended. I’ve tried initiating new things and it’s great but he heads right back to missonary the next day.

I’ve been with guys who can and will fuck like the energizer bunny, and it’s great! But not for any length of time. Mostly because guys who have a little life left in them are also (usually) immature.. I’m 30, I want a bit of stability, but I’m not ready to start knitting sweaters by the fireside.

The Question is: Should I stay with Mr. Nice, and possibly spend my spare time fucking guys on the side. Stay with him and hope that my sex drive just leaves quietly (I’d rather die). Or should I have a little honor break up with him and keep looking for the needle in the haystack(possibly not finding it, and losing a really nice guy in the process)?

Could it be that you really can’t always get what you want?

signed – Not Fucking in Florida

Dear NFiF,
The needle in the haystack exists. I’ve got it. We can fuck in the kitchen and shop for linens at the same time. Keep looking. If that doesn’t pan out, you can always go to the next Vince Neil show in your area. Just buy him a drink.

I relocated from the Boston area to Chicago, about 3 years ago. Now I cant seem to find any intellegent/talented musicians to form an original band with. Does Chicago just suck, or do I have some warped perception of reality? Maybe I should just say “fuck-it”, and join a corporate/wedding band. Couldn’t possibly be any worse than auditioning with Joe-Bob-Dipshit… You know him. He’s the guy that wants to do a “Rap/Rock/Metal/Country/Jazz/Jam-Band” type thing. I have a theory. If you have to use more than two genres of music to describe your own tuneage, you suck. Rap/Blues/Zydeco…you suck. Thrash/Country/Bagpipe… you suck. Any tips on hooking up with like-minded musicians?

First off, never, EVER, use the word tuneage. Unless you want to join “Cockstar.”
Secondly, Chicago rules.

Dear Mystery Star:

My problem is somehow atypical. You see, I’m a 29 year old hardcore sludgeaholic. I work as a media planner on a top level agency and I’m currently trying to finish a master’s degree. I have a lovely fiancee (she’s 25, beautiful, intelligent and has a lot of common sense, something that I sometimes lack) and we’re planning on getting married next year. Thing is, I’m about 5’6″ short, slightly built and I have really childish facial features (more on the cute side than on the masculine side, if you get the picture), so everybody tends to think I’m a lot younger (about 22 or 23 tops). This shouldn’t be a real problem, but because of my looks most people I work with have a hard time taking me seriously, and are always referring to me as “Kid”, even younger coworkers. Worse, I’ve been working on advertising agencies since I was 20, but most people I meet tend to think I’m new in the Industry. I even tried growing a goatee to look older and stop people from confusing me with the errand boy, but my boss told me I
look like a teenager with a fake beard!!! Another negative side effect is this really young girl (under 16), who works part time as an actress, and has developed a major crush on me. I met her about a month ago at this work related party I went to with my fiancee, and talked a lot because she happens to love 80’s metal, just like me. She’s ok, an intelligent and sensitive person, but I’m really not interested in her, I mean, we talked personally just once, but now she’s calling me almost everyday, and I think she’s trying to start something. Her first phone calls were really innocent, mostly music related (like asking me to burn some obscure 80’s metal CD’s or mp3’s for her), but now she’s starting to get really personal, like telling me that I shouldn’t hang out with older women that don’t share my musical taste (she’s obviously referring to my fiancee, who looks her real age and loathes metal in general), most boys her age are morons, and finally, that she’d love to come to my house and hear some of my recorded music (I used to play bass in a local metal band about four years ago, nothing big). The real problem here?s that the girl I’m talking about is also the daughter of my company?s CEO. I don’t think he knows about this (at least, he never spoke to me about the subject, not that we talk that much). Most of my coworkers know about the situation: they think it’s really funny and constantly tease me. My fiancee is also on it (she was right there when this girl started talking to me at the party) but thinks she’s kind of cute and that she’ll eventually outgrow this crush. I, on the other hand, feel really uncomfortable with the whole thing, and I’m really afraid that if I don’t handle this properly I might jeopardize my job. Therefore, I have three questions:
1) How do I convince this girl that I’m an adult, way too old for her and that I’m really not interested in having any kind of relationship with a minor, without being too harsh or hurting her feelings and thus starting bad blood with my company?s CEO?
2) Do you think the fact that I look a lot younger than my real age is somehow harming my career, or am I’m just a useless prick who’s just trying to justify his own faults overreacting about this?
3) I know you can’t choose who will give me advice, but is there any chance that Anthony Fox (from Beautiful Creatures) will be the one handling my case?
If this should be it, please, just delete this email, because the last thing I need is advice from a moron who has to lie about his age to get laid.
Sincerely,
The Way Past his Prime Metal Kid.
PD: Please excuse my bad grammar. I’m not a native English speaker.

After reading the first chapter of your novel, here is my answer. Ditch the kid. Be a man. Don’t act like you look.

Dear Star,

Who is Buckethead?

-Bruce Cyr
Little Rock, Arkansas

Second best question of the lot. That’s a deep question. Who are you?

www.anthraxtheband.com