Ask the Stars 7 – Ozzy Stillbourne

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Hey there Rock Star! Getting straight to the point……My husband is one of those people that thinks if your going to cover domestic violence on women you have to cover it on men. If your going to do a rape episode on TV just about women, you have to do one on men. Its not that I disagree with that at all. The problem is everytime I try and talk to him about these issues I can’t cause he jumps out with it doesn’t just happen to Females it happens to Males too. Well no shit sherlock…….Will I ever be able to have a civilized conversation with him? How can I get him to listen to what I’m saying about the issues and not worrying about his Male friends who get raped and beat up too?

~Shayna~

Shayna, you need to realize that your husband doesn’t love you and is sleeping with your best friend. Anybody who reads your email will also agree with me because it’s really obvious. I’m sorry to be the one to break the news to you, but you’re going to have to move on.

Thanks for writing and stop living in the past.

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First off let me do a quick run down: I’m 17, 110 pounds, dark blonde hair, some cute curves. But my real problem is how do I score a *real* boyfriend. I dont show off my body and dont wear makeup, I’m an all natural girl. I can’t seem to attract guys I like, or any guys for that matter. I did have one bf but I didn’t consider him a real boyfriend, we never did anything. Before you say it, I’m not ugly. I’m a good looking girl but I pretty much cover myself up and I’m shy. I figured I’d e-mail somebody to get some good advice.
XOXO
AM

How do you score a *real* boyfriend? Try opening your mouth. I don’t mean that sexually, though that would work too. If you cover yourself up and you’re shy, you probably look like a snotty bitch who doesn’t want to talk to anybody. Shyness sometimes comes off as being a snob, so maybe you just look uninterested. Guys don’t need an excuse to hit on a chick, so just look friendly, or drunk, and guys will flock to you. Smile. You’re 17 so you should have plenty of 30 year old guys lining up to deal on you. Wearing a wet T-Shirt and a thong might also work.

Thanks for wrting and try not to get knocked up.

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whats the best cure for hangover??

and is Elvis really dead?

Disturbed mention in their DVD that they learned from Pantera that the cure for a hangover is Pedialyte, which is basically Gatorade formulated for infants. I’ve never tried it before so I can’t say if it works or not, but if Pantera recommends it, they should know! My suggestion is that the best cure for a hangover is to not sober up.

Elvis Presely is dead but unfortunately Elvis Costello is alive.

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Explain to me the difference between plugs and transplants?

Vaughn

Do I look like Bret Michaels to you? How should I know? Off the top of my head, no pun intended, I believe hair transplants are better than hair plugs. Hair plugs was an older method of doing it and genereally looked shitty, while Hair Transplants are supposedly better. I could give a fuck either way because I have a full head of hair and I don’t have to worry about either. Go to Yahoo.com and type in Hair Transplants and find your own fucking information.

Thanks for writing and wear a bandana.

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Dear famous guy/pornstar,
I am 17 and recently started dating a new girl. She’s great, and everything was going good until we hit a roadblock. She was raised strictly catholic, and doesn’t want to have sex with me yet. I despise all organized religion, so this is doubly frustrating. I really do like her, I don’t want to break up with her at all. But, to quote Led Zeppelin, if it keeps on raining the levy’s gonna break. Advise me.
Thank you,
Kyle

If you despise all organzied religion and she’s strictly catholic, that’s going to be problems. Do you have any idea how long a catholic marriage ceremony is? It’s like 3 days. You’d kill yourself before you get to the “I do’s.” Religion can be a big issue to some people in relationships, so if you’re not willing to deal with it, start looking for another chick. Maybe keep her around in case she changes her mind, but if you can get laid somewhere else, by all means do it. You’re only 17 so you should be more concerned about looking for porn magazines in the woods or throwing eggs at cars, so forget little Ms. “I Have Morals” and go find yourself a dirty whore.

Thanks for writing and enjoy masturbating.

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My next door neighbor is an egotistical, stuck-up gay (literally) asshole. And he is ridiculous. He said some very mean things to me about a month ago (for no real reason- just because he is an asshole). Since then, we have just been avoiding each other like the plague because it is obvious that we both hate each other. But unfortunately, i did not have any snappy comebacks when he put me down and treated me like shit. I was unprepared, and I am bad at thinking on my feet. In fact, I am bad at telling people off, period.
I am a wimp.
But it has been bothering me so much ever since. I just want to go over there and put him in his place, set him straight. I wrote a great note that tells him in a plain and simple and creative way why he is such a jerk-off… and I really want to give it to him mostly just to make myself feel better and get it off my chest. But I don’t want to start anything that could escalate into an all out war and get me into trouble or make me fear for my own safety (afterall, he lives next door and I he seems to be a little delusional). Could a nasty letter get me in trouble? What would you do if you were a wimp who reeeally wanted to tell a total asshole what his problem is without causing problems for yourself?

From the sounds of your email, you might be gay too. Love and hate are both very similar emotions and I think you might enjoy some casual sex with him.

If you’re too afraid to fess up that you lust him, then create a website, get a dedicated following, and give him an F.U. Award.

Thanks for writing and come of out the closet already.

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Hello Mystery Star,

I have given up my groupie ways after I bagged a few musicians. It was fun until I reached my 30’s. Now there is this thing called the internet. I have met a man with a big cock, but he lives two states away. I am single and pretty hot and have been having cyber sex with him. I am ready for the real thing and he seems willing enough to make the drive. What would you suggest as a meeting place. Halfway? Drive there? Have him drive to my house? Or rent a tour bus and act like I am the rock star and he is my groupie?

Internet Slut

First of all, you’re stupid. Second, you haven’t met him yet and you don’t know that he’s got a big cock. It’s the internet. He could just send you photos of guys with big cocks. How the fuck do you really know? Maybe you’ve been looking at pictures of Tommy Lee’s cock? If you’ve seriously considered having him drive to your house, then you need to doggy paddle to the swallow end of the gene pool. You’re not a strong enough swimmer to be in the deep end, if you know what I’m saying. If you’re so hot and banged a few musicians, then why do you need to meet men over the internet? Let me tell you a secret, most men you meet on the internet aren’t hot and if it sounds too good to be true it certainly is. Forget the internet. The only truely safe way to meet a guy is to go to a rock bar, get really drunk, go home with some guy who’s name you don’t even know, let him blow a load on your back, and then take it from there.

Thanks for writing and get an HIV test.

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Dear Star In Someone’s Opinion,
My fixation with women’s breasts is raging out of control. I mean, it’s getting chronic. Ever since elementary school I have been a complete starving wolf when it comes to tits, and the frequency with which I dwell on them, no matter the size or shape, is ridiculous. To me, Cuba looks like a B-cup on its side. Streetside cleavage threatens to land me in a fatal car wreck every single day. My question is, do you think that’s cool? Also will you please start a charity fund for guys with chronic breast obsession? The money in the fund would go directly to buying us fancy clothes, cars, and apartments so we can get laid more often and thereby fondle more tits. It would also raise America’s awareness of the painful mental disorder from which we suffer, and maybe even change societal conventions to accommodate guys with CBO. Maybe someday, god willing, instead of shaking hands women will allow new male acquaintances to fondle their bare breasts. Thank you very much and God breas- uh, bless you for your compassion.

BUTCH THE HOOTER WOLF

Look Butch, I know “Left Of Self-Centered” hasn’t taken off like you’d hope, but I think you’re starting to snap.

See ladies, guys who write emails like this are the same guys that say they have “big cocks” and have cyber sex with “hot groupie chicks.” Think about this email next time you have cyber sex with some guy in a chat room.

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I am a 16 year old male. I play bass in a metal band. I get my fair share of ass. My problem is… I want more that. I keep telling myself I want a good relationship, but every girl I end up with doesn’t give a damn or is too obsessive. I would think the obsessive yet attractive girls I end up with would be the keepers, but I find myself being not attracted to them once they state their feelings. Is this because I am just attached to the “idea” of being in a steady relationship, or am I just fucked up beyond any possible redemption, or have I just not found the right one yet?

JORDAN

Jordan,
You like the thrill of the chase, but once the chick says she’s interested it’s not fun for you and you want to move on. You’ll keep doing this for a while until you met a girl you really do like, and you’ll fall in love with her, but then she won’t be interested in you and will think of you as a “brother.” She’ll call you the sweetest guy she’s ever met but you’ll never get in her pants. This will torture your soul and eventually she’ll destroy ever fiber of your being, pull your heart out from your chest, shit on it, piss in your face, and leave you for dead. However, you won’t be that lucky to die, you’ll survive and live the rest of your life a demoralized man living every day in an abyss of self doubt. You’ll end up marrying a fat chick because all your self confidence has been destroyed and you don’t think you can do any better. You’ll then die for a brain tumor.

Thanks for writing and enjoy your life in eternal hell.

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Dear Rock Star,
Since you are a rock star maybe you can answer this for me. I’m currently in a relationship with a rock star who has a girlfriend. Now it’s ok for him to fuck his girlfriend and even screw chicks on the road, but he doesn’t want me with any other guys! Isn’t that a double standard? Why is it ok for him to do what he wants and not ok for me to see other guys too?

Confused

Well Cuntfused, I’m sorry but I don’t see what the problem is. Sounds perfectly normal to me. Guys are allowed to fuck whoever they want but their side pieces of ass should remain 100% faithful to them. Makes sense to me. I say you should stop being so fucking selfish and think about somebody other than yourself!! You sound like a trouble maker. Just be happy you’re getting some cock every now and then.

Thanks for writing and mind your own business.

I’m out like this column,

OZZY STILLBOURNE