Ask the Stars 10 – Johnny Monaco and C.C. Banana

 

with…

2003 Sludgeaholic of the Year C.C. BANANA
& Enuff Z’Nuff’s JOHNNY MONACO

Dear Celebrity Advice Columnist,

I like women and want to find women to be intimate with, but I fear them. I don’t know how to even go about finding them. I could in high school, but now that I’m 30, I have no confidence. The reason is that I’m only 5’4″ and have a 3 inch cock. It’s not even a schlong, it’s a schlort. It doesn’t help that I look like a cross between Dio and Rhea Perlman of Cheers, but that could be overcome. What CAN’T be overcome is my package. Why would a woman want to stay with a guy tugging on a midget-digit like mine? How do I get past this? All I do is set around watching TV (you know, the great glass nipple; the altar of the useless), and I want to get back into the world. But how?

Howard F. Hammick
Tulsa, OK

Dear Banana Hammick,

If I were you, I’d be afraid of women too. At 5’4″ most women probably seem like giants to you. And who’s not afraid of giants? Especially ones with glass nipples. But as far as I’m concerned, if you can overcome looking like the bastard child of Ronnie James and Carla Tortelli then you’ve already accomplished the hardest part. The size of your banana is the LAST thing a woman will discover about your anatomy, and if you do everything else right it shouldn’t really matter what size it is. At least that’s what my mother keeps telling me.

If all else fails, stuff a zucchini down your pants and hope she doesn’t look too closely.

Howard, Howard, Howard… maybe you should work on a different approach. Having lots of $$$, playing guitar or driving a cool car is always more impressive than a big dick. As far as looking like Dio goes, it works for him but not for all. Cut your hair and go shopping for some new threads. If you can sing “Man On The Silver Moutain” as good as Dio you should have no problem with the ladies. btw.. nothing wrong with watching tons of tv, it’s soothing, warm, gripping nuclear glow is very comforting, much like an old man easing into a warm bath. Hope this helps. Seacrest out !

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the other day my girl and i were getting a little frisky…she decided to “pull the pork” herself and just about as i was to shoot the sherbert, i felt a bad pain inside my purlple headed monster…i finished, and the pain was still there…the next day, when i went to drain the lizard in the morning, there was a little trickle of blood in my urine…could somebody tell me what the fuck happened?…confused in bflo

Dear Blood Brother,

All this talk of pork and sherbert has made me hungry! So while I’m off fixing myself a snack, get thee to a doctor! Your decidedly ungentle girlfriend obviously damaged something important and you need to have it examined by a medical professional.

Oh, and while you’re at it, have a veterinarian take a look at your pet lizard and purple-headed monster. It sounds like they might be injured, too.

DOAH! Could be many things. Chances are you got some bacteria in there from a previous encounter and this may have cause a bacterial infection. There are many types of UTI’s and most can be cured with antibiotics. Sometimes this can go away on it’s own but if left untreated it could provide to be a serious problem. Go to the doctor and keep your purple headed monster away from her barnyard’s backdoor. A girl’s butt is one of the dirtiest places on earth. Next to a McDonald’s kitchen of course.

j

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Dear ?Star,?
My old lady wants me to have a hairless nutsack, and I?m all cool with that, but I?m deathly afraid of cutting my bag open with a razor. What?s the best route to go?
Jon

Dear “Civilian,”

The best route would be I-95 at 65 miles per hour. In other words, get away from that harpy as fast as you can. Real men don’t shave below the waist.

“sacky”,

well… it’s fun for a few days but then it grows back and the “smooth like a seal” party is over and the constant itchy-pinchy-burning party begins.. Try using barber scissors at first to remove the bulk then shave it with a decent razor in the shower w/ shaving cream. Always go with the grain as you risk causing in grown hairs & razor bumps. And don’t press too hard. You need to pull & stretch the skin as you shave it. If you’ve never done this before you can expect to cut yourself at least once, you’re gonna bleed like a pig down there and it really will sting a lot too. I think it’s too porno looking and it’s very high maintenance but go for it.

j

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This is quite embarrassing, but I don’t know who else to reach out to except Metal Sludge and their A.T.S. column. I am in my late 30’s and I’m losing my hair. (More than losing, but I can’t bring myself to admit it.) I have tried shaving it, but I was unhappy with that look, so I have taken to wearing wigs (I know, don’t laugh), cowboy hats, or bandanas. Sometimes all three at once. I think that it looks good, but I have a feeling that some people are laughing behind my back or making fun of me. I even had a picture taken when I wasn’t prepared of myself in a wig, and it was completely askew on my head. I don’t know what to do. I have a reputation to uphold and this frankly makes me somewhat of a laughing stock. I need to know what to do. Should I continue to pretend that I am not follicly challenged, or should I remove all rugs and cover-ups and just let it shine, loud and proud? I don’t know how much longer I can keep up the charade, as I sometimes look like something the cat dragged in. Please let me know what you would do, and I thank you in advance for the any advice.

Signed,

A Letter From Hair Club Row

Dear Mr. Dokken,

Your predicament, while unfortunate, is hardly an uncommon one. If fact, it sounds remarkably similar to that of a certain Glam Slam King of Noise. Alas, even handsome and successful celebrities like us aren’t immune to the ravages of hair loss. Even yours truly suffers from a receding peel. Wigs, hats and bandanas will only go so far in alleviating the problem; at the end of the day you still need to like what you see when you look in the mirror.

If as you say you are in denial about the whole thing, then shaving your head is probably the wrong way to go. The sudden loss of that which you cling to will most likely send you into a downward emotional spiral. And with the effectiveness of topical hair loss remedies largely unproven, your best bet would probably be to wear your hair a bit shorter and begin looking into the many surgical hair restoration options available today.

If that doesn’t work, just start hanging out with lots of blind people.

Dear Chip,

Yes, they are laughing. Unfortunately there’s not much you can do when you loose your hair. Some ppl can still carry themselves well & others cannot. Captain Pecard & Yul Brynner look great bald, where as aging rockers and fat metal guitar players do not. I say loose the wig, hat & shades, etc. and go for a new dew… You can’t polish a turd. Maybe try to style it short and see how it feels. Nothing wrong with reinventing yourself. “When it’s time to change you got to rearrange, who you are into what you want to be… sha-na-na, na-na-na-na-na-na, sha-na-na, na-na…”

j

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Bet you’ve never heard this before: I know in porn, the “money shot” is everything, but due to a medical condition called retrograde ejaculation, when I have an orgasm, I don’t “shoot” anything out. This goes beyond “shooting blanks”!! I’m not shooting anything!!

Everything else is perfectly normal, except that nothing “comes out”. What I want to know is, how do you think most women would feel about this? Would they think I’m a freak? Would they be thrilled they don’t have to deal with a mess or swallowing?

I’m not planning on having kids, and so far, no girlfriends have complained…but I want to know what they REALLY think.

Thanks from Sin City!

Dear Frank Miller,

Despite your belief to the contrary, I have actually encountered this scenario before. In fact, I accidentally stumbled upon the process as a young teen trying to avoid soiling the sheets while pleasuring myself in bed one night. It’s all about contracting the proper muscles at just the right moment. If done correctly, you’ll experience what I like to call “all of the rush, with none of the mush.” It’s quite ingenious, actually. And it comes in handy during long car rides.

But I am quite surprised that you claim to be afflicted with an involuntary form of this phenomenon. So per your request, to find out what women REALLY think of this situation, I asked the juicy Janna Banana for her thoughts on the matter.

Says Janna: “Tell that selfish son of a bitch to stop obsessing so much over his own ejaculations (or lack thereof) and start focusing more on hers! And stop watching so much goddamn porn!”

There you have it, a no-nonsense answer from an honest-to-goodness woman! Now aren’t you glad you asked?

Dear Dry Heave,

Depends on who’s doing the thinking. If they do not understand this condition and are looking for a future with kids, etc. it might be a bit of a deterrent to them. But the sluts probably won’t mind as much and might just consider you merely freakish, like an elf or a eunich. I’m not really well versed on this condition so I really can’t say.

j

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Dear Celebrity,

How small is “too small”, in terms of penis size? I’ve been with several women, and none of them have complained, but I’m still insecure. I’m about six and a half inches, but I keep hearing about these guys that are 8-9 inches, and I feel a bit small. Any words of encouragement?

Small in St. Louis

Dear Louis,

Fret not, we can’t all be hung like a porn star. Or a banana, for that matter. Just remember — a 9 is simply a 6 turned upside-down. So stand on your head and copulate with confidence.

Hang in there little buddy & don’t sweat the small stuff.

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What’s the best way to get massive BLOODSTAINS out of my carpet ? (not that i have any yet…)

thanx
v.d.

Dear Mr. Soprano,

In the Banana household, we always use coasters to prevent the stains from occurring in the first place. As they say, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Or a pound of flesh, as the case may be.

Kill her in the woods next time… that always seems to work well.

j

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Hi metalsludge,

Recently, I have been having problems with my penis going LIMP BIZKIT during heated exchange of sexual jabs with a woman. This does not happen every time in fact i do not knwo when it’s gonna happen. But some days it just decides to go limp and this is not good on my reputation on girls. Is this due to stress, maybe on how i pace myself during sex, alchohol, etc….I need advise…Viagra is the last option!!

Dear Heff,

Your reference to the youth-oriented musical group known as Limp Bizkit indicates that you are likely still a youngster, and as such not in need of said pharmaceutical assistance. As you suggest, your flaccid phallus is most likely the result of excess stress. Or maybe you just have a lot on your mind. It’s not always easy to block out the concerns of the outside world and focus solely on a pleasurable activity. Believe it or not, even the virile C.C. Banana has experienced the occasional horizontal hiccup. In fact, I’m going a little soft right now, trying to satisfy my woman while typing this reply.

All I’m saying is — relax, kiddo. Don’t think about it so much. Relish the moment and the rest will come naturally.

This too shall pass … I think that’s called “Whiskey Dick”. Stop smoking so much weed and try midday masturbation cause it’s so dirty. Maybe you’ll regain your horns that way.

j

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How do I get rid of that fucking paperclip on my computer? He always pops up when I?m in Word. I click on everything I can possibly click on, yet I still can?t make him go away. I hate him. What can I do?

Dear Pixar,

Fear not, that metallic micronaut is about to meet his match! My electronic alter ego will tackle the tiny titan on his own technological turf, thanks to the wonders of C.C. Bananimation! Prepare to witness the spectacular Sludgeaholic Smackdown!

Bananimalize!

To keep it from being a nuisance but still have it available:

Call up the Office Assistant Help ? Microsoft Word Help .

Click on the Options button.

Uncheck the following boxes:

__ Respond to F1 key

__ Display Alerts

__ Using the mouse more effectively

__ Keyboard Shortcuts

__ Using features more effectively

__ Show tip of the day at Start Up

You will probably want to leave the one about wizards unchanged and I have left the one about programming checked. Click on the OK button.

When you have done this, the Office Assistant will no longer delay you when you start Word by offering some tip you may already know. If you press F1, you will get the traditional Windows help screen with Contents, Index, and Find (W97) or (W2k) the Word IE help screens. If you want the Office Assistant, click on the question mark icon on the Standard toolbar or select Help Microsoft Word Help .

If you are a new user, though, I would recommend keeping the tips turned on for quite a while. There are features to Word that will help you do your job that you probably won’t find out about any other way.

b. Quick and dirty method

Find the folder “Actors” and rename it something like “Actors was my name. I hold the Office Assistants.” (To turn it back on you just rename it “Actors”.) This will disable the Office Assistant. (Any different name will do.) Write down what you did in case you want to turn it back on. Store that information in a file named something like “How I turned off the Office Assistant.doc.” That file should be some place where it can be found by Windows Explorer.

If you want to read more about taming the Office Assistant try:

http://www.mvps.org/word/FAQs/Customization/TameAssistant.htm

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Dear ask the stars,

I like nothing better than back a few beers with the guys from work, but lately it seems that it’s giving me fruit farts, I’m wondering if the beer is what’s causing this?. It doesn’t vary on the type of beer, because I’ve tried that. same beer, different fruit farts, Like the other day I ripped a good one and it smelled like Pina Colada. My girlfriend and I were at Home depot the other day and I crop dusted through one of the asles and she commented that something smelled like a peach smoothie, it even reminded her that we needed a new Glade plug in for the living room. Should I just consider these fruity ass blasts a blessing?

Thanks.

Jeremy in Baltimore.

Dear Pearl Jam fan,

You letter couldn’t have been delivered to a more appropriate recipient! If there’s anyone who knows about fruity flatulence, it’s C.C. Banana! At my house, I AM the Glade Plug-In. If anything, the gift we’ve been given is more blessing than curse. Just be grateful that we weren’t instead burdened with White Castle-scented ass gas.

And speaking of “Riding the Wind… “

Fruity,

Well, I never smelled a fart I liked. So either you’re putting me on or you’re eating the right stuff. It’s not the beer.

j

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Hi ,i have been wanting to fuck bret michaels since i was 13,i have flirted with him everytime i’ve seen him,but i still don’t have the courage to just come out and tell that i wanna ride him,help me!!!!

redhot lady

Dear Gerri Miller,

Menopause can be a cruel mistress indeed, and I am sorry to hear about these hot flashes you are currently experiencing. Additionally, since you are too shy to speak openly of your carnal desires, my advice would be to try something a bit more direct. If you believe that doing the Unskinny Bop with Poison’s fabulous frontman will soothe your fiery loins, join the Bret Michaels International Fan Club for $30 then simply show up for the meet & greet stark naked. As you will soon discover, actions do speak louder than words.

ewwwwwwwwwwww.

j

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Dear Star,

Every year it seems like I take in the ass when tax time rolls around. I take the standard deductions from my paycheck, but I do a little freelance on the side. It ended up that I owed $800 this past year and that sucked. I tried to talk to a few accountants but they are just too confusing. Maybe you have a suggestion so I can keep some extra coin for myself instead of giving it to uncle Sam?

Brent / Beaver Falls, PA

Dear Falling Beaver,

It is a sincere pleasure to receive a letter from a genuine Native American. Yours is an ancient and noble culture, as evidenced in the popular songs by Europe and Anthrax. Sorry about scamming you out of Manhattan and all that. Regarding your inquiry…

As a professional entertainer who routinely receives checks from multiple agencies, I know all too well the pitfalls of paying the taxman long after the paychecks have come and gone. Try as one might, it is often difficult to set aside a portion of each check for taxpaying purposes at a later date. My friend the freelance journalist told me that he now prepares his taxes quarterly, so as to avoid the massive payment he would otherwise owe come April 15th. So that’s one option you might consider.

However, if you wish to avoid paying the additional taxes altogether, my advice would be to create a few write-offs in the form of bad investments, starting with a sizable purchase from the following website:

http://www.TuffCDs.com

Beaver Falls,

You have to figure it out come tax time. There’s all kinds of legal ways to do that. Save all your receipts and use everything you can as a work related deduction. Unless you’re making tons you shouldn’t have to pay a lot. And if you’re making a lot $800 ain’t that bad to pay back. Do some research and read some literature on it. You can buy the software to do it at home our you can spend a very little money and go to H&R Block for a hassle free good time. You get what you pay for.

j

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Here’s my deal. I only really got into hair metal and all that goes with it a couple of years ago, but when I got into it, I got into it pretty bad. I went after one band in particular, seeing them as many times as I could.

Eventually I managed to meet 3/4 of the band (all awesome experiences), and I kept in touch with one member, via email, for months. I don’t want to go into too much detail about our online friendship — it’s someone who’s quite familiar with your site, and you’re quite familiar with him, too.

Anyway, all I ever wanted from this dude was a friendship of sorts. I say “of sorts” because he’s a rock star and I’m just some chick, but we emailed back in forth fifty or so times, and I thought we’d formed at least some level of basic mutual respect. Like, enough mutual respect that he wouldn’t be a complete fuckwit and stop talking to me.

When I finally met him in person, it was great. He was the sweetest guy to my friend and I, and he honestly did, I think, spend a little bit more time, and affection, with me than with anyone else backstage (although I don’t mean to imply that anything “happened”). We stayed in touch for a while after that.

Basically, we discussed meeting each other (and specific things that would happen if we did), several times. He assured me he was quite sincere about it. He also wanted to use some photographs of me, photographs that took my best friend (the artist; my artistic talent is non-existent) four hours to do, and even after *he* asked me for permission, then asked me to resend the photos since he’d lost them, he never used them. (I’m more upset on my friend’s behalf on that point.) He never followed through with any sort of contact between the two of us other than the few minutes we’d met in person and the emails, which eventually became fewer and farther between.

At some point, once I’d felt as though we’d reached a point where we were “close” enough that I thought of him as just a person, just my “friend” so-and-so (although if he’s reading this, he knows who I am and who he is, and my friends would notice it, too). At that point I basically told him that I really wanted to take things to another level and specifically said basically look, I know you’re a rock star and I’m just some person, and I don’t expect any sort of relationship (honestly, that idea’s too ridiculous to comprehend; he’s famous and taken, and I’m not famous, but am taken, and happily) or even a “real” friendship, but that we’d been in touch long and closely enough that I thought we could move up to staying in more constant contact through email, or talk on the phone, or maybe even meet up, since he is sometimes on my part of the map (I don’t live terribly far from his parents; I’ve even met them). I don’t think any of that was unrealistic or unclear. I didn’t expect jack shit from the guy, basically.

He sent me a serious (for him) email asking me what I was upset about, when I expressed that I was in fact upset. *Again* I explained my position regarding my desire to become closer *in a completely non-romantic way*, expressed my distaste for his flightiness and ignorance of only select emails or portions of emails, and mentioned again that I was bothered that he’d repeatedly requested, but never utilized the aforementioned photos (and I don’t think I ever pressed that issue; it was something he suggested in the first place, it was not my idea initially). I explained everything I felt *because he asked for that explanation*. He basically told me that he thought I mistakenly thought there was something between us, which is patently absurd, and I told him so. I may be a huge fan, and I wouldn’t turn down a night in bed with the guy, but I’m not delusional. So anyway, he asked for and received the explanation and I haven’t heard a word from the guy since.

Honestly, I’m just upset at the loss of a fun email companion and a potential friend, and I’d like to hear from the “experts” what I should do, how or even if I should proceed.

My goal is just to maintain contact with him, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t take more if offered. I mean, the guy came on to me, and I came on to him. I’m a twenty-something, reasonably attractive chick who’s willing to fuck the motherloving shit out of an aging rock star, a rock star who’s expressed interest in just that before completely vanishing. Maybe I’m being conceited, but that seems a little absurd to me.

So, tell me what to do, guys. I’m counting on you, no one else could help with this kind of shit.

–S

Dear S,

Your words paint the picture of a woman who has clearly invested much time and emotion composing her thoughts on this matter. Though your sentiments occasionally strike me as somewhat contradictory, I’m inclined to believe that you are ultimately in the right. Somewhere along the way, this fellow changed his mind regarding his intentions toward you and is now either unwilling or unable to acknowledge it. And regardless of how well you present your case or how many specific examples you cite, you are unlikely to coax an admission of wrongdoing from him. As such, the only validation you’ll be able to walk away with must come from an impartial third party. In this case, yours truly.

However, I would also advise against taking up a similar pursuit in future. It can be misleading to think of celebrities as ordinary folk, for often their concerns and cautions are anything but ordinary. People in their position are in demand 24-7; everybody wants a piece of them yet they have only so much to give. Even asking for something as seemingly innocent as a friendship can in fact be asking a lot. Consequently, if they feel that someone is getting too close or expecting too much, their inclination may be to pull back and retreat. A harsh lesson from the school of rock, perhaps, but hopefully nothing so painful that it will send you running into the arms of the nearest rapper.

Finally, if by now you’re still not feeling better about things, just lock yourself in your bedroom with a six-pack, a tub of Haagen-Dazs and a copy of the hilarious BACKSTAGE BANANA video. I guarantee by the next day you won’t remember any of this.

hmmmm…

“he’s famous and taken, and I’m not famous, but am taken, and happily..”

I hope you get everything you deserve.

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I heard smoking a lot of pot could make a guy impotent, is this true?

Dan, Chicago Heights, IL

Dear Mr. Chong,

I’m sorry your fellow inmates are making fun of your inability to perform, but you made your bed and now you have to lie in it. Besides, I think the saying goes, “Getting hit in the nuts WITH a pot makes a guy impotent.” In which case you’re probably safer behind bars.

Hello my non-fertile friend,

The bottom line is, the active ingredients in marijuana are doing something to sperms, and the numbers are in the direction toward infertility. Men who are most affected likely have naturally occurring borderline fertility potential, and THC from marijuana may push them over the edge into infertility. THC remains stored in fat for a long period, so we can’t say that everything will go back to normal. Most men who have borderline fertility are unaware of that fact. It’s difficult to know who is at risk. I definitely would advise anyone trying to conceive not to smoke marijuana, and that would include women as well as men. However, I do not believe there to be a link between marijuana and actual impotence.

“Dearly beloved, I will now read the special vows which Homer has prepared for this occasion. Do you Marge take Homer in richness and poorness, poorness is underlined, in impotence and im-potence, in quiet solitude or blasting across the alkali flats in a jet powered monkey navigated… and it goes on like this.”

j

www.CCBanana.com
www.myspace.com/johnnymonaco | www.JohnnyMonaco.com

In closing, C.C. Banana also included this shameless plug:

As ever, I’d like to thank the mighty Metal Sludge for allowing me to address its loyal legions, and thanks also to everyone who submitted their heartfelt inquiries. It’s great to be back and I look forward to bringing you more banana shenanigans in the future!

In the meantime, don’t forget to check out the ALL-NEW CCBanana.com! Rebuilt from the ground up, it now boasts new features, new stories, new interviews and new video clips! There are even several new photo-filled C.C. Banana adventures, featuring my encounters with Kiss, Bret Michaels and comedian Craig Gass! Slip inside and enjoy the ride!

And while you’re there, read about my upcoming ALL-NEW home video, “C.C. Banana: SPLIT HAPPENS!”

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Got problems? We all do, but do you want a random Metal Sludge-sanctioned celebrity to help you sort out your worries, concerns, and fucked-up feelings? Then send your questions to AskTheStars@metalsludge.tv and we’ll see if we can’t find someone to make you feel all better.