Ask the Stars 12 – Frankie Banali and Jen Hilton

 

with…

Quiet Riot drummer Frankie Banali &
February 2004 Sludgette of the Month Jen Hilton!

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Dear Star,

I’m getting ready to go to 18 month drug treatment on January 17 after being clean for 7 months. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months now. Should I dump him before I go or wait and see if he dumps me while I’m gone.

Thanks

Hi,

Glad to hear your getting it together. Since you will have time on your hands, no need to make a decision now. If the guy breaks up with you while you are away, he’s a scum bag for not showing you respect and support. If that is the case, look at the bright side. After an 18 month sexual hibernation, you will likely want to fuck anything, so you will truly be the hairy oyster on a half shell. You can always count on my very own Kevin DuBrow to supply you with the 30 second miracle, twice. Good luck!

Tell him that you are going on an 18 month sex and drug bender if he dumps you on the spot I guess it wasn’t mean’t to be, if he decides to stay with you, then you’ve got a winner.

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Dear Star,

My second toe from the left, on my right foot, has a crusty yellow toenail. I’ve tried everything to make it white again but nothing works!!!! At first I painted it with Whiteout to make it look normal but when I ran out I didn’t have money to buy another bottle so I just ripped the toenail off. It’s been a month now and it’s starting to grow back again. This time it’s super thick and hard. How do I fix it?

Signed,

Toenail Schmonail

Hey, Nailschmo,

Like anybody gives a rat’s ass about your yellowed plate covering the upper surface of the end of your toe. Hint: the Black & Decker tool section at Home Depot. And while your at it, try taking a real shower, scrub your ass as well as your toes instead of just dancing around in-between the water drops like some aquatic bimbo. I hope this helps……

How the hell would I know, do I look like someone that has nasty toenails. Ask Bastard Boy Floyd.

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Dear Random Star~

People are telling me that I’m obsessed with my exhusband. I’m not obsessed!!! Just because I made a website dedicated to his misdeeds. Is it inherently wrong of me to want to expose his sorry ass for the idiot he truly is? I swear I’m not obsessed, I just want to make him miserable. That’s not obsession I swear! It’s not like I’m stalking him or anything. I’m not obsessed right? And did I mention he really IS an idiot? I mean really, c’mon. I’m not fucking obsessed…ooooh he just signed on… gotta bait him some more… Come on you freak!Give me ammo dammit!! Oh, sorry, where was I?? Oh yeah, I’m not obsessed am I???

Love~

I’m Not Obsessed, Just Bored.

Hello Obsessively, Bored and Dangerous,

Please provide the e-mail address of your ex husband as I feel he is in danger and needs help as much as you need to be put down. Thanks for writing!

Naw not at all. Have you tried following him and asking his new girlfriend about him. I am sure she’d love to hear all about what you think about him. Private investigators are cheaper than you might think. It’d save you some leg work.

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Dear Star… It seems like everytime I have sex with a woman, there is blood involved… a lot of it. I usually only can bring myself to go … downtown during her… um … period. I don’t think I am a vampire, because I can go outside in the daytime… but ALL of my women bleed… in one way or another.

Do I have a problem??? My nick name is “THE RIPPER”, at least thats what ALL of my girlfriends call me afterwards… and they are not complaining. DO I NEED HELP????

sincerely, THE RIPPER

Hey, ah, “Ripper”

Nice little fantasy you got going there. Try loosening the forty six yards of duct tape you have wrapped around that popsicle stick you think is a penis. I mean, I find it hard to believe that a blow up doll can actually bleed, but then again, these days modern technology is really something, isn’t it? By the way, if you are really going down on the “Red Badge of Courage” and enjoying the experience, try sucking down a can of Chef Boyardee Spaghetti-o’s, it’s not much better but less chunky.

Yes you need help, lots of it.

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Dear star,

Why does my ass hurt whenver I blow my wad? It feels achey for hours afterwards. What’s the deal?

Al

Al,

I think that’s a by-product of having sex with another guy. (Legal disclaimer: It’s OK to be gay if that’s what floats your boat)

Have you tried not masturbating on electical cords?

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Dear Star, Is it best to use Jergens hand lotion or KY Jelly when jerking off? KY is just too expensive, but can’t I get an infection from hand lotion if it goes into the hole in my cock?

Signed,

Matt in Milwaukee

Hey Matt,

Is it really that lonely in Milwaukee? Listen, buy a Great Dane, use mayonnaise as a lubricant, after you get your jollies, the dog might just lick your cock & sack to clean up your mess. You know what they say, a dog’s mouth is most sanitary and man’s best friend…. (Note to self: Make sure the Rock Never Stops tour avoids Milwaukee)

Two words, baby oil! It’s cheaper than both KY and Jergens. So spank to your heart’s content.

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Dear Star,

I desperately need your help! Tonight I was at the clubs and met this fine piece of ass. So a few drinks and some smalltalk and we went back to her place. Well before you can say “open up and say ahhh!” this chick is fucking sucking me like a tootsie roll pop! So after polishing my knob, we make our way to the bedroom and she fucking whips out two pairs of handcuffs from her purse, and wanting me to fuck her while handcuffed! So I cuff her to the bed and proceed to fuck the hell out of her!

Now this doesn’t sound like a problem, but here’s the thing…I have a bad habit of chewing gum and leaving it on the headboard. This may sound minor, but while I was fucking her, her head got stuck to the gum and she can’t get her head unglued from the headboard!

She’s really pissed and wants to kill me as we speak…should I undo the handcuffs and face her wrath, or just run for the hills? Answer ASAP!!

Bazooka Joe

Mr. Joe,

What a lady, first you picked her up at a club using three fingers like you were carrying your best bowling ball, then she took you to what is likely a trailer park where you probably placed a can of “Bud” on her head while she sucked on your rancid member as you watched a bass fishing special on TV, then you slammed her like the prize winner she truly is, and now she complains? I mean, I give her credit for the quasi S&M gesture, but just take out your hunting knife, cut off the offensive hairy bubble gum and I’m sure it will be an improvement on her bowl cut special hair do. I hope this helped….

Cut her hair and tell her that the mullet is coming back.

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Dear Star,

I am a guitar player and need some advice! What should I do to help my band get more famous?

megan

Megan,

Take a few weeks off, ponder the obstacles and rewards of the music business, then quit. Good Luck!

Have you tried playing naked? People love naked girls and they love bands with a gimmick.

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I have huge trust issues with people-in general. I don’t have friends because I display a “fuck you” attitude to most. I’m not a bad person really, I just have intense anger and a fear of rejection when it comes to maintaining relationships. I haven’t had a significant other in a looooong time because I don’t want to get close to anyone-but I get lonely and yearn for something more. I’m not grotesquely hideous, guys are interested in me every now and then-if they aren’t put off by my “tough” facade and bullshit attitude. My question is, how can I work past this to feel comfortable with another person around? Even if it’s superficial, because right now I’m so fucked up I can’t even initiate a conversation with someone.

Go to your local bar, see a rock band play, get totally shit faced, fuck the first person that is as shit faced as you. When you wake up in the morning you will likely still have all the same feelings you had when you started, but now you will have a reasonable reason for feeling that way. It works for most musicians, why not for you?!

Take some small steps. Be nicer to people that you know that are going to be nice to you, like people at grocery stores and places like that. Those people have to be nice to you, it’s their job. Once you have done that for a while, try making some other friends. You’re a girl, guys are going to hit on you. Find one that you think you might like and try being nice to them. Hopefully things work out for you. If they don’t get a nice big bottle of vodka and sit in a dark room listening to Suicide Note Pt1 by Pantera, and Spend My Life by Slaughter for three hours on repeat.

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Hi. My name is Greg! Can?t you feel the love man?

Only if you say so, but I may have to get a second opinion from your sister……..

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Hi star

ok, I was wondering – lately, when Ive had sex with my guy, who I’ve been seeing for awhile now, I hurt afterward. Its not a constant pain, it doesnt burn when I pee or anything.. I dont think I have a bladder or urinary infection because Ive had one before and it hurts like hell, not like this. And its not a yeast infection either. But then if we go to have sex again that day, it really really hurts, its like I’m tender. If we go a day before having sex again, then I’m ok, but if we try two days in a row I’m really sensitive. Do you know what could cause this. Ive been with him for two years and its just started happening. And it happens whether I have extra lubrication or not.

puzzled

Take two Tylenol, call Kevin DuBrow in the morning. I promise he won’t come close to hurting you…..

Do you really want medical advice from someone that is answering a Metal Sludge ask the stars? I mean really… See a doctor.

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Dear Star,

I always used to say that I’d never do the whole “anal” thing, but a couple of weeks ago my husband hinted that hes kind of curious about trying it, so I thought, why not. Well it really hurt the first time, BAD, like enough to almost make me cry. So I told him that we’d try it again and we did, and it still hurt, but not as bad. My question is, does it hurt every time, or does it get better? Or is every girl different? I dont want to make it a thing we do often, but I would like him to get full pleasure out if it without me complaining and asking him to stop.

Thanx

SabrinaXOXO

All right Sabrina!

OK, listen, it’s very easy. Just try and try and try again. It will likely hurt for a while, but eventually the opening will relax and get bigger, and bigger, and bigger just like an old pair of sweat pants whose elastic band no longer has any give. The bonus is that when you sit down to do #2, it will just happen and you’ll be done before you know it! A miracle of science, huh?

What a sport!

I have no idea. If a girlfriend of mine ever tried to stick something up my ass I’d hit her over the head with it. If you really don’t want to do it anymore, just bug him about being a homo, guys won’t do anything that makes them seem gay.

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Dear whoever, my boy is 24 still lives at home with me and is still a virgin, granted i never wanted him in the first place and he has a lazy eye and bad skin, but i feel partially responsible, is there a way i could possibly abort him this late in his life????? if so can i purchase the kit at the grocery store?

signed,

Mother Session

I am just moved by your maternal instincts. I am afraid that waiting 288 months is a little past the due date to erase the birth. Find consolation in that if you play your cards right, they may use a picture of your boy as the centerpiece of an argument for abortion. I know a good attorney that will make sure you get the publishing rights on the photo. You been jerking your boy now for 24 years, why stop now! Thanks for writing and for your inspiring story.

Tell him there is a slaughter concert two towns over, that’ll get him out of the house. Then hook up the trailer to a truck and move to a new park and start all over again. After the concert Slaughter will feel a kinship with your boy and take him on as a second drummer.

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WHY AM I SO DAMN ANGRY??????? WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT IT???????

SIGNED,

ANGRYISLAMICBOY

Loosen the towel and get together with Madonna and embrace Kabbalah…..

Wrap your hands around your wiener and push them up and down, repeat till you get some milk out, drink it and start again.

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Dear “star”, may the Lord bless you and keep you. I don’t know where else I could write. My wife and I are Amish and live in rural Pennsylvania. We are an average, white, Amish family and live in a very tight-knit community. I am beginning to suspect that my wife could be cheating on me though. In the Amish culture, it is very wrong to question such a beautiful and holy bond in the Lord’s eyes, but this is why. We have 4 wonderful children now. I question if they are mine though. Little Paco Ramon is Mexican. Likacuchi is Asian. Little Big Hood is Native American. And Tyrone Jamal is African American. Do you agree with me that my wife could be cheating on me? I prayed to the Lord and he has yet to get back to me yet, but my suspicions could prove to be true. Well, this is the only computer in Amish country and I have to go hitch up the buggy and churn lots of butter, minute after minute, hour after hour.

Thank you for your time, “star”. May the Lord bless you with a husband or wife that does not cheat on you. :o(

Father Archie Q Babbitt

Oh Father Babbitt,

I think that in many ways your wife has blessed you beyond your comprehension. You see, not only are Amish women easy and hairy, they are also very giving. She has made it possible for you to embrace Cinco de Mayo when you look deeply into little Paco Ramon’s eyes. You will broaden your horizons as you teach Likacuchie that although it is now 2005, The Chinese Lunar New Year is the longest chronological record in history, dating from 2600BC, when the Emperor Huang Ti introduced the first cycle of the zodiac. Oh, what fun! Of course, “your” little Native American bundle of joy, Little Big Hood will marvel while sitting on your lap and you read to him how the Indian braves used every single bit of the great bison for food and clothing and the occasional bestiality ritual. And won’t Jamal just love the combined Amish and Kwanzaa gatherings! Yes, your Amish wife is cheating on you. Her box is as well traveled as the portals of the UN. And guess what? Rumor has it that in the next nine months you are likely to be celebrating such wonderful holidays as Columbus Day and the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre because a carload of Italians just did your Mama Mia!

Ciao signore Babbit, Ciao!

How dare you question the virtue of such a fine lady. You are a lucky man! The lord has blessed you. Much like Mary mother of Jesus, your wife has been inpregnated by the lord and given a truly multicultural family. Paco will grow up and be an expert cart detailer. You’ll have the only lowrider cart with giovanni spinner rims and low profile Pirelli tires. Likacuchi will be a great mathematition and will make great strides in sheep counting. Little Big Hood will open a great casino on your land and make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. Tyrone will be the first ever member of your family to slam dunk a basketball.

www.frankiebanali.com
www.jenhilton.com

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Got problems? We all do, but do you want a random Metal Sludge-sanctioned celebrity to help you sort out your worries, concerns, and fucked-up feelings? Then send your questions to AskTheStars@metalsludge.tv and we’ll see if we can’t find someone to make you feel all better.