with…

Former Saigon Kick singer Matt Kramer &
ex-Saigon Kick/Skid Row drummer Phil Varone!

Look who we have for our July 2005 edition of Ask the Stars! It’s none other than former Saigon Kick members Matt Kramer and Phil Varone. Phil also used to be in Skid Row, but don’t hold that against him. Presently, Matt has a solo album out called “War and Peas” and Phil stars in the documentary feature “Waking Up Dead.” Both these guys have their fingers in many pies, but they’re not too busy that they can’t help out the lost and confused Sludgeaholics who need someone to give them guidance. So, Metal Sludge proudly presents our 16th edition of Ask the Stars! We’re sure you’ll find some kind of helpful advice. Well, probably. Let’s get right to it!

Dear Sludge Star,

Two weeks ago I took a trip to Hollywood and all I wanted to do was hit the Strip, watch some bands, drink some beers and get some tang. So after a long night of drinkin I ended up at a seedy hotel with an Asian hooker. She slobbed the knob, and I came back with what appears to be mold, budding on my balls. Holy shit man, I think I got the crotch rot! I?ve NEVER seen anything like this.

The logical thing to do would be to see my doctor but I?m not real logical. This shit is embarrassing. I Googled it and ?moldy balls? comes up with nothing! Any suggestions for a home diagnosis or remedy?

Signed,
Sushi Sack

Yo Su-sack, look at it this way, Blue cheese can be very expensive, and really carry quite a hefty price tag, especially some of the more exotics, for example the much loved Stilton recipe. Try this Dandy remedy for your next guests, they?ll definitely be asking for seconds.

Scrape your fingernails across your sushi sack, gather some fermunda de molda, you can also use a lemon zester with a light lateral raking motion. Try them on water crackers with sour cream, diced onion, and chopped hard-boiled eggs, then salt to taste. For you high fallutin fancy connoisseurs try with beluga caviar. Some people go nuts! for this tempting appi-teaser.

Dear Sushi Sack,

I feel your pain my brother. Back when I was a young lad touring freely through the world, I too found odd and annoying growth on my balls. Your problem specifically was common when touring through asian communities. Before we toured those areas, a simple injection from your doctor would immune you from any of that. Since you didn?t get the shot first, I am hear to help you. First take a brillo pad, and rub the surface of the infected sack. If the infection is extensive, you might want to call a friend to help with the cleaning. To do this, have your friend pull your sack with two hands to expose the area for proper cleaning. After the brillo treatment, fill a large or small (depending on your sack size) bowl with peroxide, and add and alka seltzer night time relief tablet , and soak repeatedely till the infection is gone. Side note, you will find your self soaking your balls after that for the only reason that it feels good. I hope this will help you.

Okay ? I want the real story from a real musician. What do you think when your girlfriend goes to your shows? Is it cool that she?s there, or would you rather she stay at home?

Thanks,
Bobbi Des Barres

Dear Bobbi,

The dreaded girlfriend coming to your show, has haunted the musician for ever. What do you do? On one hand, you have to be nice, and let her come. If you don?t a few things can happen. 1. No pussy from her for a long time!!! That is bad, or in some cases not that bad at all. 2. No pussy from her for a long time!!! And 3, go back to 1, and 2. Now if you bring youre girlfriend to the show, she will be happy of course and tell all the girls you are her boyfriend, but with that, a few things will happen. 1, you will get no pussy from the girls in the audience . 2 you will get no pussy from the girls in the audience, and 3 go back to 1 and 2. In the far out chance that you are a swinger, or your girlfriend is bi sexual, bringing her to the show can work in your favor.I have found that a girl can pick up a girl quicker then a man can. That is the perfect world…

I hope this has helped you.

Phil Varone

Dear Ask the Stars,

I have a weird lumpy bump on my hand. It?s sort of shaped like Florida. I can?t afford to go to the doctor. Do you know what it could be?

Signed,

Lumpy in L.A.

Being from Florida I can answer this with a little knowledge. My diagnosis is your tired of living in a cold pent up frustrated time, and the warmth and loose environment of the tropics are calling. If you start hearing Latin girls in your dreams starting to call you Papi Choolo go To Florida, but beware and do a package check at the door, word has it Lola might be in town!

Dear Stars,

About a month ago I got a cold and started taking Robotussin DM, but I?ve found that I cannot stop taking it. Lately I?ve found myself chugging it at various times of the day. At one point I started taking so much that I think I started hallucinating. At one point I thought I saw Yoda hiding in my coffee cup telling me to do things. For the rest of the day I started speaking in inverted sentences. My coworkers freaked and my boss told me I?d better get my shit together or I?d be out of there. How do I go about seeking help for this addiction?

Thanks,

Bert in Baltimore

I say change your life around and start doing a lot of blow, the you can fake a cold all the time with the sniffles, then you got an alibi, and a bonus of something to come down from the blow.

My guy wants to try anal, & I?m kinda afraid. My sister told me I should play with some toys first to get used to it. What do you recommend and how long do you think it?ll be before I?m ready? I want to please him & don?t want him to get bored and find someone else.

Sue, Lincoln, Mass.

What?s you sisters phone number, she?s a fucking genius.

Dear Sue,

It brings a tear to my eye when I see a girl who will take it up the ass. Bravo my dear. I only wish there were more like you in the world. Being the President and founder of Ass Eaters Anonymous, I am proud to write you and helpyou with this. Your sister is correct about the toys. That is the best way to ease into anal. Let me recomend something with a suction cup. You want to be able to stick it to the tile, and back into it like a garbage truck dumping the load. The problem with the suction cup, is you can put significant damage to your bathroom tile depending on the ride. With that, I would always have some extra tile adhesive, and grout standing by for that situation. Make sure there is plenty of lube as well. You don?t want anything going up your ass dry. .I remember those days, I was young, and didn?t need the money..(sorry I got side tracked). Anyway, I would ride the dildo and change sizes as you feel comfy.Get to the size of your boyfriend, and then you are ready. Call him up, and ride him like the bull at Gilleys. If you have a cowboy hat, I would wear it, and swing it around like you are at a rodeo.

Dear Ask the Stars,

Do you know of anyone that can score me some pot? It?s fucking dry around here, man.

Signed,

?Out? in Oklamhoma

Hey farm boy, fucking grow your own dude.

I?m a small white girl, 5?2?, 104 lbs, & the past few months been seeing a fairly large man of color. He always came to visit me, but since May he?s been under house arrest, so I go visit him to get me some. It?s bad though, he lives in the projects and it?s really scary. It sucks going to visit him but I can?t get enough of his big black cock. What kind of heat should I pack for my trips there?

Signed,

Carla in Charlotte

There is a new Smith & Wesson 38, its a 5 shot revolver Plus P round called ?The Bodyguard? it?s tiny, light weight, and that Plus P round is like a fucking cannon, all in one tiny little package. Easily fits in your jacket pocket, So when the heat gets going in the hood, put your cute little finger around that cushy trigger, and shoot right through your pockets! The best part is, they?ll never know what hit em!

Dear Carla,

You poor girl. Why does getting laid get so complicated? I have put myslef in danger many times getting some good pussy, but never carried a weapon other then my pissed off cock. Usually I would find myslelf running from irrate boyfriends , and the whole time thanking my track teacher in High school. You can do a couple of things to solve this delema.1. carry some good heat. I would recommend the 40 caliber Desert Eagle of course. That will kill anyone trying to hurt you, and also prepare you for a Zoo breakout of the wild elephants. My second piece of advice would be. Find a guy with money and a big cock!!! I know Tommy Lee is back on the prowl, and I have some time myself. Anything to help.

My boyfriend is 19 years older than me. He is really nice, good-looking and has lots of money, taking me out to really nice places that I couldn’t afford to go to if I weren’t with him. He broke up with his wife to be with me, so I know he really loves me. The problem is, he can’t get stiff most of the time. I’ve dressed up in all kinds of sexy outfits and he still can’t get it up. He says it’s because I’m TOO hot and he gets “overexcited.” That doesn’t sound overexcited to me. Should I stay with this guy?

Try putting your tongue in his ass, is a sure thing.

This is not a problem at all. Here is my advice. You should stay with this guy for sure. Just because he can?t get it up, should not be viewed as a problem . He is rich!!! So, everytime he doesn?t get it up, and deprives you from sex, make him feel guilty and turn over some cash.With this new cash you will have, find yourself a nice young stud to service your needs when you call. There are a few guys that I recomend for this. One in particular would be a drummer in a rock band. We will fuck you the best, we have the biggest cocks, and of course will never commit to you, so there is no drama. If you are feeling freakey, bring your deprived pussy and some cash, and I will meet you anywhere.
I have to say it feels good to help!!

What is the white smelly shit that comes out of the hole in my nipple piercing when I squeeze it?

Cheers,
Ooze

Cr?me De la Saccapuss, try this festive dish, with chipitole, and a green mole salsa, on a flour tortilla. Your be shouting Taquilla!!!

Dear Ooze,

I don?t know what sex you are, but if you are female, I would only hope it was milk because you are pregnant. There is nothing like a pregnant chick with pierced nipples. I love to get behind a pregnant chick and hold her belly like I was picking up a heavy log, as I bang her from behind. The milk squirting out is only a bonus.

Congrats on your new child.

Dear Rock Star,

My boyfriend of 5 years is not doing it for me anymore. We live together, & bought many things together Including a nice new 2003 car. Now I cringe at the thought of him getting on top of me. We use to bang About 4-5 times a week, now I let him have it once a month and can’t stand it if it lasts over 10 minutes.

My problem is now this. I work in an office, met a co-worker who asked me to lunch and after the 2nd Lunch said he needed to stop by his house to pick up paperwork. I came in with him, and withing minutes He had me naked on his bed. I’ll admit, it’s not my style but I climaxed like never before. Now we do Lunch 4-5 days a week. Will I cringe at him for those 10 minutes 2-3 years down the road too?

P.S. He’s huge, and it makes me turn into a little whore at the thought of his size alone.

Tina
Sherman Oaks

That?s a naughty naughty thing your doing Tina, and its not fair to go to another mans house and have sex! I say fuck in the nice new 2003 car, and go out to dinner with your Bo, then you?ll be turned on so much thinking about your naughty rides, that you can maybe even give a little piece of pie to your hubby, knowing what you did in the car earlier in the day. Try not to crash.;)

Dear Tina,

I have two words for you….. CALL ME!!!!!!!

my question: what hand do you wipe with? i use toilet paper.

signed,

smear

I use a bidet. I once knew a girl who would call over the cat!

Dear Smear,

What is this toilet paper you speak of? Where have I been. I have never heard of such a thing. Now I understand why my cat hates me… Thank you for the advice!!!

Dear Star,

I am starting to get a little concerned that I have developed a “Tea Bag” Fetish… It all started out one night at a party, some ugly fat chick passed out on the floor, and we got tired of having to step over her fat fucking ass, and these dudes dared me to “Tea Bag” her on her forehead as they took pictures…So for a quick $40, I did it, I whipped out my beanbag and plopped it right on her forehead… I got alot of laughs out of it, but I got really turned on, and now I want to “Tea Bag” every chick I see, and anything else that comes to mind… I like to think of it as the ultimate “fuck you”, I guess another way of giving the finger more or less…I have already “Tea Bagged” my supervisor’s coffee mug at work and also I have “Tea Bagged” the water fountain in the hallway as hell… Now I have this crush on this woman at work and she wears those sexy secretary glasses and business suit outfits, and now I can’t get any work done, because all I think about all day long is “Tea Bagging” her with her sexy glasses on, right on top of her desk…Am I a sick fuck, or do I just have a fetish, please give me your thoughts…What I really want to do is freeze my nuts on ice cubes, and give her an “Iced Tea Bag” for her upcoming birthday… Please give me any advice on my fetish, and also suggestions in how I can approach this beautiful woman and express my yearning for her and for my love of the Tea.

Thank You in Advance,

Sincerely,

Tea Bag Tommy

Try this, tea bag a tub of Vick?s vapo rub (don?t forget to microwave for 20 seconds the heat is fantastic!), then tea bag back and forth to the heater then the fan. Better yet! Put the fan in front of the heater the your freezer, (careful not to fall if you use a stool!) If that don?t do it for you, all you sea lovers will love this bag of tricks, I have a friend that has a tank of parrona you can try tea bagging that for a cool refreshing underwater thrill!!

To the star who answers this stuff?

I got my penis pierced and I think it looks cool but people keep saying that?s what gay dudes do. Is that true?

Signed,
Pierced and Proud

Ask Phil Varone that one.

Dear Pierced and Proud,

I too have my penis pierced, and I have to say my friends were kinda freaked out by the whole thought.. Once you show what you can do with it, they will think it was a great idea. I will tell you a few things to do with your peircing, that will make you the life of the party, and get the respect from your friends again.

1. With a peircing, you have an added advantage. You can include the piecing as extra length when measuring.
2. You can try to be mister lifto, and attempt to lift anything around you for a laugh. Ex- a bag of apples, etc…
3. You always have a place for you keys
4. You have cool nick names for your dick, like the chrome horn, and heavy metal.
5. Make bets at bars that you have it pierced, no one will believe you, and you can make big money.
6. My favorite, is hook a napkin holder to your cock, and walk into a resturant. Go table to table and ask the people if they need a napkin. The kids love that one.

Good Luck

Phil Varone

Dear Metal Sludge Star,

My chick and I had talked about the idea of having a 3-way a few times, and she said we could do the 2-girl thing if I did the 2-guy thing with her, so I said, sure why not, fair is fair. So she found some dude that was cool with it and after a few drinks we went home and started getting busy. But as soon as we were all naked and fooling around with her, the other dude?s leg brushed against mine, and it freaked me out and I lost my wood. The other guy kept fucking her and finished and left. She said that didn?t count and if I still wanted to do get some 2-girl action that we?d have to try again. My question is how can we pull this off so I don?t get freaked out again? Please help, and thanks.

Freaked in Frankfort

Try 3 guys then they can brush each other?s legs, gangbang your poopsie, and degrade you into a soft smooshie Frankforter. But look at the upside freaky Frank, after that its all about you and 2 crazy bitches!!

Dear Freaked in Frankfort,

It is obvious that you are homophobic, as most men are. The thought of another man brushing against you while being naked, would make most men lose a hardon.The problem is, when two men bang a girl, there will be some contact by accident. In order for you to get the two girls, you will have to deal with it. I have a good idea that might help you with this. Since she wants to get fucked by another dick, my advice to you is get a shemale. Then , she can get fucked, and you have a big old set on juggs to play with, and since he looks like a woman, you will not get freaked by him touching you, and honestly you might like it.

I hope this helps, and do tell about the girl when it happens..

What?s up? You guys can?t give me any worse advice than anyone else, so here goes. My job sucks. But I make enough money to get by. I really, really want to quit, though. There must be something better to do than the crap job I have. I didn?t go to college, but I?m not stupid or anything. I just want to have a job that is fun and that I don?t hate waking up and going to, you know? But everyone says how screwed up the economy is so I?m freaked that if I quit I won?t get any job at all. I don?t play in a band, I don?t have any real ?passion? or anything, I just want to be happy during the day. Should I quit and go for it?

You guys rock! JJ Snider

You have to something you love to do, and craft it in spare time till you can pay the taxes with it. Then maybe quit your day job when that levels out. Remember you always have to take a risk to succeed. Try Guatemalan cockroach farming, there?s got to be a booming market there.

www.mattkramer.net
www.wakingupdeadmovie.com

Got problems? We all do, but do you want a random Metal Sludge-sanctioned celebrity to help you sort out your worries, concerns, and fucked-up feelings? Then send your questions to AskTheStars@metalsludge.tv and we’ll see if we can’t find someone to make you feel all better.

with…

Naked Beggars singer Inga Brittingham!

For our April 2005 edition of “Ask the Stars,” we have none other than Naked Beggars singer Inga Brittingham on hand to give advice and to answer your fucked-up questions! Now, Inga’s never done a 20 Questions with Metal Sludge before, but she’s come up with some of the sickest responses for our whacky monthly feature, the Rotten Roundup. Plus she’s married to Cinderella bass player Eric Brittingham! We like the way she thinks, so we figured she’d be awesome to meter out advice to the Sludgeaholics in need. Here she is to help you guys out.

Dear Star,

What’s the best way to remove unwanted body hair? I’m a bit sensitive to chemicals and don’t want to get a rash from pouring Nair all over my crotch. Thanks for any help or advice.

S.T.

Dear S.T.,

Ripping straight out would be the best route. It hurts but it’s better than getting burnt. Have you tried those insects that eat the hair. Gosh, what movie was that from…I wish I could get a hold of those bugs.

After reading Motley Crue’s “The Dirt”, I am addicted to reading about rock stars’ sordid and glamorous lives. Have any other metal bands written autobiographies or had biographies written about them that are worth reading? I am currently reading Aerosmith’s “Walk this way”.

Metal Sludge is all the reading material you need to keep up on the latest shit!

I really need some advice. So, I’m going to a concert in a few weeks (happens to be Motley Crue) and I really want to get backstage to meet the band. Do you have any tips (short of giving head to the entire road crew)? Thanks.

~Cyn

Dear Cyn,

Worming your way backstage is always hard. But the better liar you are the easier it will be to get there! Learn maybe the head honcho’s name and drop it, maybe get a press pass made. You Can Dewwww it! And if that shit doesn’t work, you can always try sneaking by. They can’t watch everyone who walks by!!

Priest or Maiden?

Thanks,

Metal Hoops

Dear Metal Hoops,

Priest

Dear Star,

I have a real wicked step mother. I mean like fuckin Cinderella style here. Always bitching, complaining and nagging. She thinks I’m this devil child even though the whole community knows how nice of a guy I am. I don’t know how I’m going to handle living with her until I graduate this summer. What do you suggest I do to put up with this bitch until I move out to university?

thanks, Steve-O

Dear Steve-O,

Did you ever think that maybe you are doing something to make her complain? And is she by any chance getting laid. Maybe you could get your dad to give it up a little. Make sure she is taken care of, ya know what I’m saying!

Dear Sludge Star or starette,

I’m in an 80s rock tribute band in England. Instead of wearing a wig, I want to get big hair myself. Now my hair’s getting pretty long, but whenever I try to get it to go big, it just falls over again. How do I get that huge hair spikey Nikki Sixx look? I’m only 20 so I wasn’t around when it was socially acceptable (if it ever was) to ask this shit!

Thanks,

Jonny

Dear Jonny,

Who is your hairdresser? Have you asked a hairdresser. You can’t just have long hair. You have to have some sort of cut. My friend Lora Seligmann, hairstylist extraordinaire! She can give you some advice! Look for her on Myspace, she’ll love to help ya! He he he!!!

Dear star,

over the past few months, I have fell in love with one of my female friends, she knows how I feel but says she is involved with someone else, which is true but her closest friends tell me her boyfriend is a “fag”! She says she can’t rule out the possibility of us ever being more than friends, but I don’t know what to do now, I feel so strongly about her and would do anything to make her mine. Can you please give me some advice on what to do…. I am only 15 by the way.

Holy cow, by the way, there is going to be a lot more things for you to worry about then being with some chick at 15. Girls are way too fickle at that age as well as guys. You will change your mind as soon as you bump into some finer chick. Don’t forget she is dating a “fag”. And if she goes after you, what do you think that that may mean? Some chicks dig fags, that is why they are called “fag hags”.

Here is a question: What is her dad like? Whatever her dad is like is exactly what you need to be, that what the chick wants. It’s all psychological bullshit.

Dear Star,

My boss yelled at me the other day. He does it a lot for seemingly no reason and it’s getting kind of old. I was thinking about killing him, but don’t want to spend the rest of my life in jail if I get caught. How can I get him back good?

Thanks,

Tommy

Dear Tommy,

First of all, your right don’t kill. Second of all, you should start your own business and just steal all of his ideas and clients. I bet he’ll love that!

Dear Random Metal Sludge Celebrity,

My boyfriend is so mean! Everything was going great and then he forgot to give me anything for my birthday. When I asked him about it, he said that most normal people should stop expecting everyone to make a big deal about their birthday around the age of 12. What should I do? Everything else is fine, and he’s good to me, but that was just plain mean. Should I dump him, or is he right? Should I just figure my birthday really isn’t that big of a deal anymore?

Laura, Milwaukee, WI

Dear Laura,

It’s really not the most important thing on earth that he gives you something for your birthday. If you ask me, that actually is a little selfish. Here’s the real question: Does he love you? Does he normally do cool things for you? If so, then shut up and deal. If he isn’t, yeah, dump him.

dear metal sludge ask the stars,

A long time ago I dropped acid and had a blast. Then I tried it again a few weeks ago and it didn’t do much for me. Very boring. Did I just get some bunk tabs, or do I already have a tolerance and need to take more next time?

Thanks,

Steve S.
in Lincoln, NE

Dear Steve S.,

I’ve always learned that not all things are created equal. And neither was your acid. I myself stick to all natural items.

Dear star,

I need to make dinner and here’s all I have: a bag of frozen peas, a box of bisquick, a can of spam, and a tub of margarine. What can I make with that? Or should I just order a pizza?

J.L.T.

Dear J.L.T.,

By the time you read this, I would hope that you would have some other options. But, I would butter a pan, mix the bisquick to make biscuits throw it in the bottom of a 9×13 pan, throw the peas on top and then slice the layers on spam on top of the peas, and cook for about 25-30 minutes. And voila: no wasted food, and a filling meal!! I would probably wash it down with some beer, though. Only because I’m kinda thinking the shit might be a little old.

Help! I’m obsessed with Johnny Monaco from Enuff Z’Nuff. I saw him play the other night and he’s so hot. I’ll see him again soon when he’s off tour. How do you think I should approach him and proposition him? Do youthink it matters if I’m a guy?

Signed,

Bill from Chicago

Hey Bill,

It can’t hurt to try! I would see if he has a Myspace profile and check to see if he is bi/gay/ straight/ whatever, then go for it!

Hi,

What’s the best way to dump my chick? It’s not that she’s done anything wrong, but we’ve been dating for a few years, I’m kinda bored with her, and I want to bang other girls. How can I let her down easy? I don’t want her to swallow a bottle of sleeping pills or slit her wrist in the bathtub or something. Thanks for your help.

Bored in Boca Raton

Dear Bored,

Yikes, if she is that sensitive, you might want to try some different tactics. See how she reacts when you tell her you want to bang some other chicks. If she totally flips, tell her she’s nuts and then accuse her of cheating. Flip it around a little. She’ll think you’re messed up and want to leave you if you keep it up!

If that doesn’t work, you might want to pick up a disgusting habit that she can’t stand, and just don’t stop doing it. That will really make her hate you!! I think that would get me out the door!

Inga Brittingham
www.nakedbeggars.net

Got problems? We all do, but do you want a random Metal Sludge-sanctioned celebrity to help you sort out your worries, concerns, and fucked-up feelings? Then send your questions to AskTheStars@metalsludge.tv and we’ll see if we can’t find someone to make you feel all better.