Sludge Mailbag returns with Kurt Krash Kilmister!

Sludge Mailbag returns with Kurt Krash Kilmister!

Oh fuck yes it’s time!  Do you know what time it is?  Don’t look at your grandfather clock jackass!  (Speaking of which, why the fuck are you looking at a grandfather clock for the time?)  You should have had this day marked for weeks, if not months!

What do you mean you didn’t know about it?  The Aztecs mentioned it, the Mayans mentioned it, hell even the Tygers of Pan Tang mentioned it!  I could explain it all to you, but I’d need a lot of weed and alcohol and I don’t do well on mailbags when I’m under the influence of narcotics just for the sake of being “intellectual” or something.

SHIT I gave it away!  It’s the return of the Metal Sludge Mailbag!  Remember these?  Bastard Boy Fartfetish used to do these once or twice a year when his lazy ass had the motivation to do them and now I’m bringing them back.  That’s right bitches, your friendly neighborhood Metal Sludge is baaaaack!

Seriously though, one of my favorite features used to be the Sludge Mailbags.  When the “power of me” became part of the “powers that be”, I used this newfound power to bring this back, so I invite your feedback, band rumors, random thoughts and continued hate mail.

I’m kind of nervous about this.  Kind of like getting laid for the first time.  Or right before the money shot in a porno.  I don’t remember my first time, and I haven’t been in a porno for a long time now.  Either way in both instances I probably wasn’t sober.  The great thing about being an alcoholic is you can lie to yourself, so in my mind my first lay was FUCKING AWESOME!  I hope this mailbag goes just as well and that I don’t BLOW IT.  Here we go!

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Hmmmm, well, not quite the Opening I was hoping for, which is how I feel about the average opening band on the typical yearly hairband county fair tour.  Hey, anybody hear anything about Slaughter?  Are they still together?  This mention of them in my mailbag (aka my sack) is probably more press than they’ve gotten in the last few years.  Anyway, NEXT!

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Hmmmm what’s going on here?  This isn’t right at all.  Probably what the average ho on the Ho Board is thinking when hooking up with Random Washed up Rockstar.  Hey, speaking of washed up rockstars (or future washed up rockstars) anybody hear anything about Escape The Fate?  Some ho (or dude) named “boytoy” (probably one of the band members) is anxiously awaiting info on the Ho Board.  I just took a look at Escape The Fate (not their cocks, Elton) and I’ve seen this band before!  They just go by a bunch of other names since they look like a bunch of other bands.  Hopefully they don’t suck too badly.  Otherwise boytoy is going to be depressed having to sit through a shitty band just to have a cock in his ass… or her mouth.

Anyway, what the fuck is up with these spam emails?  I’m looking for HATE and FURY, not Viagra and Cialis.  Although, come to think of it, these prices are fucking good!  Wow, 90% off?  Where did I put your credit card?  Back in a moment.

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Oops I figured it out.  I was VIEWING my Spam folder.  Wow, fuck me.  I guess I’m not entirely sober yet.

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Guitar Ogre Shane Gibson (Korn) & Super Drummer

Thomas Lang Unleash stOrk

(2.23.11 – Los Angeles, CA) Combining thrash metal with progressive rock — stOrk, is the brainchild of guitar ogre Shane Gibson (KoRn) and uber-drummer Thomas Lang. With their debut release stOrk (MUSO Entertainment) available 1.11.11, the LA-based power trio delivers aggressive, progressive instrumental metal that combines virtuoso playing with a serious metal edge.

Best known for his soloing, Shane Gibson’s frequent use of odd time signatures, heavy riffing, poly-rhythms, innovative tapping sequences and his impressive sweep picking technique provides the sonic spine of stOrk’s masterful, musical progeny. Songs like, “Changing Lanes” and “Alien” on stOrk’s debut album perfectly showcase Gibson’s considerable shredding skills.   

World-renowned drummer Thomas Lang (Rhythm magazine’s “Best Drummer in the World”) provides the percussive punch to stOrk’s sonic uppercut. With Lang’s incredible interdependence, powerful double bass drumming combined with an innate musicality, his drumming on stOrk is both insanely heavy and musical at the same time. Featured on “Metal Fatigue” and “Nautilus,” Lang’s drumming is legendary.

Rounding out this musical triumvirate is Eloy Palacios (Vension) on bass. Palacios is the sonic superglue that binds Gibson’s guitar and Lang’s drums together. On stOrk’s debut album, Palacios’ virtuoso playing and bottomless bass pocket are not to be missed.

Intense, dark, aggressive, futuristic and somehow familiar, stOrk sounds like nothing you’ve ever heard — but always hoped you would.

stOrk (MUSO ENtertainment) is available 1.11.11

“stOrk”

1. Moonrock

2. Doooosh

3. Alien

4. Changing Lanes

5. Nautilus

6. Prelude In The Key of Shut The Hell Up

7. Loki

8. DucksInaPond

9. Metal Fatigue

10. Asian Manipulation

11. Emo Village Pillage

12. Tripola

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This was literally the first email I received in my KKK inbox, and it was literally received within an hour after my inbox was setup and I gained access to it, so I’m forever going to reminisce about the band Stork.  Oh shit sorry, it’s the band “stOrk”.  DON’T EVER CALL THEM STORK!  Huge difference here probably.  Is there an emphasis on the O?  Do you say it with an O mouth?  Does this symbolize they like cock?  I hate the way foreigners pronounce vowels all funny.  With those crazy umlauts, Mötley Crüe should actually be pronounced “Murtley Crewe” and “Motörhead” would actually sound about the same.  Even if Motörhead had a funny pronunciation, I could never do that to my possible-father’s band.  Anyway, I haven’t checked out stOrk-not-Stork and I probably won’t anytime soon, but you can’t go wrong with song titles like Doooosh (with four O’s), Prelude In The Key of Shut The Hell Up, Asian Manipulation (one of my favorite pastimes), and Emo Village Pillage.  Listen to stOrk-not-Stork at your own risk.

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Guys-  You or yours complain about Gene Simmon’s answers on your 2/21 13 questions,  but all the questions you ask are universally “closed.”   When you ask a “have”  or “do” question, you invite the person not to expand. I can imagine Gene looking at  your list and imagine his sigh of relief–“this will take 5 seconds”.   However,  If you ask “”what” , “how”  “when” “why” questions in some combination you all but demand open ended answers.   Example? “How is it to shovel snow like a normal human?” or “When did you last shovel snow and how did it go?”.  Or ask a question with a qualifier:  “Why do you wear a wig when bald is soooo in? ”    Make sense?

-chris

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Chris,

Metal Sludge didn’t ask those questions to Gene “Simmon”, and I agree… they suck the ugliest balls ever.  If they were Gene’s balls, they’d be down at his ankles from the excessive swinging on them.  At the bottom of the “interview” is a link to his own page.  It looks like they’re mailbag comments, like this.  Scroll down about 4 or 5 letters and you’ll see where the questions came from.  If I submitted the questions, they would feature certain things like:

“Do you purchase your wigs from the same wig dealer as Bret Michaels?”

“In the last five years, how many times has Paul Stanley hit on you?”

“Just like presidents have term limits, why doesn’t KISS?”

“With the economy still recovering, what’s the going rate on KISS caskets nowadays?”

Gene, you’re welcome to answer these “jewels” if you want!

Your pal, KKK

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Editors Note: Translation from KKK to Chris = eat a dick.

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Def leppard just passted 1 million fans on facebook!  How big of a deal is this now?  Are they the most popular hair band from that era online?

Best,

CJ

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CJ from The Wildhearts?  No?  Never mind.  Looking at the most popular pages on Facebook, it looks like Def Leppard has a long way to go before reaching the likes of Texas Hold’em Poker, Facebook itself, Michael Jackson (I thought he was dead), Eminem, Lady Gaga, YouTube, Family Guy, Sleeze Beez, Rihanna, Linkin Park, South Park, and tons of other pages I don’t care about.

Doing a very, very brief search, Guns N’ Roses has almost 6.7 million “fans” on Facebook, while two Iron Maiden pages have a total of 2.3 million or so.  They’re obviously NOT a hairband, and I’m obviously NOT interested in looking up every other band now, but I’m sure somebody else will be.

Needless to say, in today’s digital world, having 1,000,000 “fans” on Facebook is the new version of going platinum, so congratulations to internet champions Def Leppard!  High five guys!  Yeah!  Rock on and interact with some fans!  Bad ass!  Cool!

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THE COMPULSIONS (Featuring Members Of GUNS N’ ROSES and ex-NY DOLLS) Release Profanity-Laced Live Video – Feb. 28, 2011

Critically acclaimed New York City rock ‘n’ roll band THE COMPULSIONS have released a fan filmed live video for “Big, Fat, Sexy Mama” (http://www.youtube.com/thecompulsions). Viewers can “follow the bouncing boob” to check out the song’s profanity-laced lyrics.

THE COMPULSIONS are led by founder and front man Rob Carlyle with Richard Fortus (GUNS N’ ROSES) on guitar, Sami Yaffa (MICHAEL MONROE BAND, NEW YORK DOLLS) on bass and Frank Ferrer (GUNS N’ ROSES) on drums.

According to Carlyle: “When we played in early January, it’d been over a year since we were on stage together and with our schedules we could only rehearse once the night before. But there’s something about the four of us because no matter how long it’s been, whenever we get in the same room, the music just comes together instantly.”

A full length COMPULSIONS album titled Beat The Devil is also in the works with a very special guest appearance by guitar legend Hubert Sumlin (MUDDY WATERS, HOWLIN’ WOLF).

“There’s a lot of new COMPULSIONS fans lately and I’m happy to say they’ve been really getting into it. For starters, one couple drove 5 hours from New Hampshire through the ice and snow to see us play and a couple girls flew in from Sweden. So we’re gonna put out a new record as soon as possible and hopefully keep the momentum going.” adds Carlyle.

When asked about the inspiration behind “Big, Fat, Sexy Mama” Carlyle explains: “Lots of people have written songs like this before, whether it’s John Lee Hooker with “Big Legs, Tight Skirt,” AC/DC with “Whole Lotta Rosie” or Sir Mix-A-Lot with “Baby Got Back” and it seemed time for someone to write another one. The lyrics are obviously filthy but what’s really surprising is the amount of positive feedback I get from women of all shapes and sizes.”

Ferrer and Fortus have performed on all three COMPULSIONS EPs, Laughter From Below (2004), Demon Love (2008) and Been Through Hell (2009). The 6-song discs, known to diehard fans as “The Unholy Trinity,” have received near universal critical acclaim from both the underground and mainstream press, including Classic Rock magazine which dubbed THE COMPULSIONS “The Coolest Band In The World.”

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“Follow the bouncing boob”?  Profanity-laced lyrics?  Ooooooh EDGY!  SHOCKING!  Nice to see Tommy Lee’s titty-cam is inspiring other bands.

Classic Rock Magazine probably labeled them “The Coolest Band In The World” before realizing there are actually no current or former “members of GUNS N’ ROSES” in this band.  The only members of Guns N’ Roses are/were Axl Rose, Slash, Duff McKagan, Steven Adler, Izzy Stradlin, Gilby Clarke, and Matt Sorum.  Dizzy Reed, if you’re feeling generous.  The rest of the “members of GUNS N’ ROSES” are members of Axl Rose’s Solo Band.  Stop calling it Guns N’ Roses.  I don’t care who owns the name.

As for the one couple driving 5 hours from New Hampshire “through the ice and snow” to see them play, that’s nothing.  There are probably 10 fat chicks on the Metal Sludge Gossip Board alone that drive 16 hours to see Faster Pussycat play a festival at a casino in Mississippi somewhere.  As for the girls that flew in from Sweden, hopefully it didn’t cost too much flying them in.  That’s your touring money!  You’re supposed to tour, gain fans and hot chicks that will PAY to see you, instead of you paying to see THEM!  Good luck kids!

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Hahaha nice to see you all trying to make metal sludge relevant again! no matter what you do your not going to replace bastard boy floyd or jani bon neil or any of the people that made the site what it was!  keep trying to be funny!  EPIC FAIL!

anonymous

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Briefing from the editor:

Dear Ass Hat: “people that made the site what it was” I’m typing to you right now.

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Wow, where do I start with this?  I’m going to forgive the fact that you can’t spell and probably dropped out of high school before struggling to get a job stocking shelves at Walmart.  Maybe I’ve walked past you in the paper goods aisle while asking you where the two-ply toilet paper is to wipe the diarrhea from my dirty ass.  Or maybe I asked you where the extra large condoms are to fuck a bitch I met on the internet in a chat room (she said she was a model!) while you’re stuck working on Friday night.

I don’t care what you or anybody thinks about this site now or seven years ago.  The truth is you’re reading it, and that’s all that matters.  Your page views don’t register as “huge fan” or “disgruntled reader waxing poetic about the old days”.  It’s all the same when you look at the numbers.  Truth be told, there’s some new blood writing and some “old friends” who came back because they just wanted to have fun again!  That’s all I’m doing here.  For years, people have been crying that there’s no new shit on the main page, and that’s what we’re giving you now.  There’s a lot more to come!  New ideas and old favorites.

If this is bastard bum floyd, I’ll deal with you later.  Otherwise please, just shut the fuck up and get back to work.  I don’t want you fired for taking extra long breaks.  It took you long enough to get this job, so I don’t want to be the reason you lose it!  Love me, hate me or be indifferent about me.  Just read my shit.

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Dear Metal Sludge,

I like your site, I also like to blog and love butt plugs.

Sometimes I sit on a plug (no lube), blog and bounce while reading Sludge at the same time.

Recently, I upgraded to a bigger plug. I am now raw as a bag of lunch meat.

Any advice? I don’t want to stop plugging or blogging while I read Sludge.

Signed, BoyToy on Twitter

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Dear boytoy,

Wait a minute, do you post on the Ho Board?  First of all, thank you for reading Sludge.  Your pageviews result in my excessive drinking, which I hope will continue long into the future.  Which do you enjoy more, blogging or butt plugs?  Have you asked for help from any of the six people you’re “following” on Twitter?  Maybe GayPornCenter, gaygod, gaysdotcom, GayClubs, sirwinchester, or GavinNewsom could help you out?  And why doesn’t he call himself Gayvin Newsom?  Everybody knows he uses a butt plug too.  2008 – first black president?  2016 – first gay president?  (And no, I don’t count JFK.  Him and Sinatra were “close” but there haven’t been any confirmed ass-rammings between them.)

 

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Hey KKK,

Wanted to get your thoughts on Charlie Sheen and his problems possibly costing him his career, if not the end of Two and a Half Men.  Who could replace him?

Eric

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I REALLY think this is overblown, and I don’t think people care that much.  I saw a poll somewhere recently that said people most people don’t care about his personal life, who he’s banging, and what he’s doing to himself.  He’s always banged tons of chicks at one time and always done drugs.  His show was about him being himself!  He didn’t have to act that much.  It’s never impacted his work at all until TMZZZZZZZZZ (sorry, fell asleep on my keyboard) and every other gossip site started freaking out about it.

As for a replacement, who’s out of work now?  Sebastian Bach keeps crying about Skid Row firing him almost 20 years ago.  Maybe it could help him get out of the dumps?  Anus Jones or whoever plays the fat kid on the show plays guitar, so they could form a band or something.  The gay one who plays Charlie’s brother could help promote the band.

Going back to Charlie for a second, we’re all hypocrites too after idolizing rock stars who banged sluts everywhere while doing drugs and getting fucked up, but with Charlie Sheen?  OHHHHH NO HE HAS PROBLEMZ!!!  HE SO CRAZY!!!  GET HIM HELP!!!  HIS CAREER IS OVERRRRR!  Twenty years ago nobody cared about Roxxy Sparklecoxx or whatever random rock star was acting the same way.  We just bought more albums!  Charlie, keep doing drugs and fucking sluts all you want!  I SUPPORT YOU!  Still waiting on that invite though.  Your pal, KKK

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Go with god!

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.” (John 14:1-4)

phil

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“My beloved put in his hand by the hole [of the door], and my bowels were moved for him.”

- Song of Solomon 5:4

See that right there?  Gay marriage.  If you didn’t want Perez Hilton to start crying about equality for all, Solomon should have never written that verse.  Or he could have written “my beloved put on the new Iron Maiden album and my head was banging for it”.  That’s great!  If Pope Benedict XVI ever wants to add a few new chapters to the Bible, he can let me know!

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Kurt Krash Kilmister reporting for du… oops.  Until next time kids, this is your friend KKK encouraging you to break the law, go to jail and live off the taxpayers’ dime, fuck some bitches, drink, do drugs, and always love rock and metal.  Fuck giving the “safe” or “good” advice.  Enough people are doing that already and I need to be a rebel just for the sake of being a rebel!  Thanks for your submissions.  I don’t want to blow my wad on the first one, so keep sending me your shit (not feces) and once again YOU READ IT, even if you hate it.